Extremely anxious about my first confession & specific Qs

[TaraJoBean]

I am quite convinced, as of recently, that the Catholic Church is the true Church of God. I am going through RCIA and am pretty sure I want to convert this Easter.

However, since I have never confessed my sins before in my life, I am VERY anxious both because it’s my first time ever confessing, and because since it’s my first time confessing, I have a decent-sized list of mortal sins. Almost all of them were about 10 years ago or more, but I have major guilt over them. I would love for my sins to be absolved but I feel like I have an aversion to even saying the words and if I do say it, I just know I’m going to be crying in the confessional and not be able to talk clearly, partly for sorrow, and partly for shame from having to tell someone.

To make it worse, I know the priest will know exactly who I am and I just do NOT want him to know some of the things I have to say, and then see him later. He expects that we (the RCIA-ers) will confess to him when the time comes in a few weeks. Is there any way that I could go to a different priest that won’t know who I am to confess? It would be awkward to tell him that’s what I want to do, but less awkward than him hearing the confession. I don’t know what to do…

Also, I have questions about a few things I’ve done, as to whether or not I have to confess them. I know you have to confess all “mortal sins” but what if the sin you did IS a mortal sin, and at the time you knew it was bad, but you didn’t know what a “mortal sin” was. Does this mean I am not bound to confess it since you have to know it’s a mortal sin? (I hope you understand my question… Does “you have to know it’s a mortal sin” mean you have to know it’s really bad, or does it literally mean that you have to know it’s a mortal sin and what that means? They are 2 different things.) If the latter is the case, I didn’t know what a mortal sin was until very recently.

Also, (yes, there’s more) if I do have to confess those things, I wish I knew how to word certain sins… I am thinking of sexual sins (which are all my mortal sins, I think). Does anyone know if I have to break down certain “acts”? What if you sinned sexually but it didn’t fall into a usual category… (i.e. what pagans call “messing around”), so it wasn’t intercourse, wasn’t oral, etc. What do you call that? Should I just say “fornication” and lump all this together?

I really want to be Catholic at this point, but this first confession is going to make me sick to my stomach. But I also don’t want to make an invalid confession so that after all this anxiety, my sins won’t even be absolved… I feel so haunted by this, too, since, like I said, most of this was 10 years ago or more… yet I have to dredge all this stuff up again…

Anyway, I thought maybe someone here could help me answer these questions, and hopefully make me feel a little better about the whole thing.

Thanks.

 

[rkrispies]

First off, welcome home. There’s a quite a lot in here, so I willtry my best.

I am quite convinced, as of recently, that the Catholic Church is the true Church of God. I am going through RCIA and am pretty sure I want to convert this Easter.

However, since I have never confessed my sins before in my life, I am VERY anxious both because it’s my first time ever confessing, and because since it’s my first time confessing, I have a decent-sized list of mortal sins. Almost all of them were about 10 years ago or more, but I have major guilt over them. I would love for my sins to be absolved but I feel like I have an aversion to even saying the words and if I do say it, I just know I’m going to be crying in the confessional and not be able to talk clearly, partly for sorrow, and partly for shame from having to tell someone.

To make it worse, I know the priest will know exactly who I am and I just do NOT want him to know some of the things I have to say, and then see him later. He expects that we (the RCIA-ers) will confess to him when the time comes in a few weeks. Is there any way that I could go to a different priest that won’t know who I am to confess? It would be awkward to tell him that’s what I want to do, but less awkward than him hearing the confession. I don’t know what to do…

Don’t stress out too much about who you confess to. There is the seal of the confessional. That means even under pain of death, the priest cannot reveal ANYTHING heard in the confessional. It means he cannot use it against you. It generally even means that as soon as you leave, it is all forgotten. I would venture to say the following:

1. Most priests have heard what you might confess
2. Most priests have heard worse
3. Most priests put it all out of their minds as quickly as possible

If you are that worked up over it, talk to your pastor. Tell him your concerns and ask his advice. That’s why he’s there.

Also, I have questions about a few things I’ve done, as to whether or not I have to confess them. I know you have to confess all “mortal sins” but what if the sin you did IS a mortal sin, and at the time you knew it was bad, but you didn’t know what a “mortal sin” was. Does this mean I am not bound to confess it since you have to know it’s a mortal sin? (I hope you understand my question… Does “you have to know it’s a mortal sin” mean you have to know it’s really bad, or does it literally mean that you have to know it’s a mortal sin and what that means? They are 2 different things.) If the latter is the case, I didn’t know what a mortal sin was until very recently.

You probably heard this in RCIA, but it bears repeating. For a sin to be truly mortal, it must meet three criteria:

1. It must be a grave matter
2. It must be committed with full knowledge and
3. It must be committed with full consent.

If any of these is missing, the act is still sinful, though not mortally so. If you know it is wrong, and you do the deed willingly, it still counts as a mortal sin. You don’t have to know what a mortal sin is to commit one. Put another way, there is no competency test for sin.

Also, (yes, there’s more) if I do have to confess those things, I wish I knew how to word certain sins… I am thinking of sexual sins (which are all my mortal sins, I think). Does anyone know if I have to break down certain “acts”? What if you sinned sexually but it didn’t fall into a usual category… (i.e. what pagans call “messing around”), so it wasn’t intercourse, wasn’t oral, etc. What do you call that? Should I just say “fornication” and lump all this together?

I don’t think you need to make a laundry list of every permutation on sexual sin. From my perspective you can simply say that you committed sexual sins x times without engaging in intercourse. If the priest needs more detail, he will ask. The more important thing here is to be honest with yourself, the priest and ultimately with God. You don’t need to split hairs on what “counts” and what doesn’t. God knows and he will forgive.

I really want to be Catholic at this point, but this first confession is going to make me sick to my stomach. But I also don’t want to make an invalid confession so that after all this anxiety, my sins won’t even be absolved… I feel so haunted by this, too, since, like I said, most of this was 10 years ago or more… yet I have to dredge all this stuff up again…

Anyway, I thought maybe someone here could help me answer these questions, and hopefully make me feel a little better about the whole thing.

Thanks.

Ok, breathe. If you honestly forget something in confession, it’s ok. Confess it the next time.

You’re taking the right steps. You’re joining the Church. You’re making a first confession. As a revert, I can tell you without shame that the first confession is a life-changing experience. You unburden yourself of so much guilt and shame. It’s like a huge load is lifted from your shoulders. If I can make one more suggestion: don’t let your first confession be your last. Go often. As often as you need to. It helps. It really does. Eventually, you figure things out with God’s help. It’s a long journey, but it definitely is worth it.

Lastly, I would offer this thought: with Catholicism, it’s easy to think of God as a sin accountant, checking a box every time you slip up. Put that image out of your mind. Concentrate on what is important. Love God. Love your neighbor. Put yourself third. Do more good than evil in a day. And when you do slip up (and you will), seek forgiveness. There is no balance sheet, no checkbook of sin. Trust in God and do your best every day to love and serve him. That’s all there is to it.

 

[Bookcat]

If any of these is missing, the act is still sinful, though not mortally so. If you know it is wrong, and you do the deed willingly, it still counts as a mortal sin.

true on the first part. on the last part…perhaps yes perhaps no. …but tell the priest anyhow and tell him you are not sure…

 

[Bookcat]

one needs to give number and kind…for mortal sins… more than just “sexual sins” …
read the section in the Catechism for some of them…

 

[Bookcat]

In the end…prepare …and relax …and ask the priest to help.

 

[baltobetsy]

I am quite convinced, as of recently, that the Catholic Church is the true Church of God. I am going through RCIA and am pretty sure I want to convert this Easter.

Good for you!

However, since I have never confessed my sins before in my life, I am VERY anxious both because it’s my first time ever confessing, and because since it’s my first time confessing, I have a decent-sized list of mortal sins. Almost all of them were about 10 years ago or more, but I have major guilt over them. I would love for my sins to be absolved but I feel like I have an aversion to even saying the words and if I do say it, I just know I’m going to be crying in the confessional and not be able to talk clearly, partly for sorrow, and partly for shame from having to tell someone.

That’s why they put boxes of tissues in confessionals.

To make it worse, I know the priest will know exactly who I am and I just do NOT want him to know some of the things I have to say, and then see him later. He expects that we (the RCIA-ers) will confess to him when the time comes in a few weeks. Is there any way that I could go to a different priest that won’t know who I am to confess? It would be awkward to tell him that’s what I want to do, but less awkward than him hearing the confession. I don’t know what to do…

You have the right to confess your sins to any priest that you wish to. However, be assured that even if the priest knows who you are, he will not treat you any differently after your confession than before. The seal of confession forbids him to use any information from your confession against you in any way - ever. If he did, he would be excommunicated. Also, unless he was ordained last week, he’s heard absolutely everything. You cannot shock him. The worse your sins are, the happier he will be to free you of them and the more he will admire your courage and honesty. I’ll bet 90% of new converts have the same fear, and it always turns out to be unfounded. Still, you may, if you wish, go to another priest who does not know you.

Also, I have questions about a few things I’ve done, as to whether or not I have to confess them. I know you have to confess all “mortal sins” but what if the sin you did IS a mortal sin, and at the time you knew it was bad, but you didn’t know what a “mortal sin” was. Does this mean I am not bound to confess it since you have to know it’s a mortal sin? (I hope you understand my question… Does “you have to know it’s a mortal sin” mean you have to know it’s really bad, or does it literally mean that you have to know it’s a mortal sin and what that means? They are 2 different things.) If the latter is the case, I didn’t know what a mortal sin was until very recently.

Not knowing the term, “mortal sin,” does not mean you did not know the things you did were seriously wrong. If you split hairs on this, you’ll always worry if your first confession (and therefore every other one) was valid. Not worth it. Confess it all.

Also, (yes, there’s more) if I do have to confess those things, I wish I knew how to word certain sins… I am thinking of sexual sins (which are all my mortal sins, I think). Does anyone know if I have to break down certain “acts”? What if you sinned sexually but it didn’t fall into a usual category… (i.e. what pagans call “messing around”), so it wasn’t intercourse, wasn’t oral, etc. What do you call that? Should I just say “fornication” and lump all this together?

“I had sexual intercourse outside of marriage.” “I had sexual intercourse with a person consecrated to God.” “I committed impure acts with another person.” “I committed impure acts with a person of the same sex.” “I committed impure acts with a person consecrated to God.” “I committed impure acts with an animal.” “I committed impure acts by myself.” “I viewed pornography.” “I entertained impure thoughts.” You should be able to find a phrase here that covers just about anything, don’t you think?

I really want to be Catholic at this point, but this first confession is going to make me sick to my stomach. But I also don’t want to make an invalid confession so that after all this anxiety, my sins won’t even be absolved… I feel so haunted by this, too, since, like I said, most of this was 10 years ago or more… yet I have to dredge all this stuff up again…

Yes, but when you “dredge all this stuff up again,” it will be taken away from you forever.

Anyway, I thought maybe someone here could help me answer these questions, and hopefully make me feel a little better about the whole thing.

The worse you feel before, the better you will feel after!
Thanks.

Hope something here was helpful. God bless you!

Betsy

 

[lizds]

I’m glad someone else asked this. I was kinda curious about all this too. My RCIA class started up late so our first confession is still a ways away, but I’m am also a bit nervious. My list is quite long as well.

I have non-catholic friends joke to me about scheduling an appointment for confession because mine will take a half hour or so. : / I just try to look at the plus side, I know I will feel so much better afterwards.

 

[Bookcat]

Hope something here was helpful. God bless you!

Betsy

I hope that the persons read the post Betsy posted above…

one little twique…(is that how you spell that?) when you confess anything you were not sure was a sin or are not sure was a mortal sin…simply say that this is the case…

 

[baltobetsy]

I hope that the persons read the post Betsy posted above…

one little twique…(is that how you spell that?) when you confess anything you were not sure was a sin or are not sure was a mortal sin…simply say that this is the case…

Aww, thank you. And it’s “tweek,” although I think I like your French-style spelling better!

Betsy

 

[mrs_d]

When I went through RCIA a few years ago we were told we could make our first confession to a different priest, if we preferred. I was nervous about this as well. But, I wouldn’t be too concerned about how much the priest will remember about your confession. It is really not about the priest but about your confessing to our heavenly Father and receiving forgiveness. Good luck and God bless you.

 

[DOShea]

However, since I have never confessed my sins before in my life, I am VERY anxious both because it’s my first time ever confessing, and because since it’s my first time confessing, I have a decent-sized list of mortal sins.

What you are feeling is very natural, and you won’t truly understand what others are telling you about it not being the horrible experience you might imagine it is until you go through it yourself. Just remember that what is the most important thing is that you are aware you are apart from God through sin and that you are seeking to remedy that. We have Christ’s promise that those who ask will receive and those who seek shall find. You are seeking peace and reconciliation, something God gives us freely if we only make that effort to go to Him and ask. First confession is exactly that.

Also, don’t be so concerned about how many of each particular category of sin you’ve committed. Yes, the CCC does say you are required to list them all, but in actual practice of people who have long been away from confession or adults making one for the first time, quite often the priest will help guide you so you aren’t in there all day. Most people don’t remember that over many, many years they committed “X” 542 times instead of 537. Here the priest will help them with a word like “many.” Remember, I’m speaking about 1st confessions or confessions for people who haven’t gone in a dog’s age, not regular confession.

The focus is on forgiveness and reuniting your soul with the Holy Spirit, and that is more important than if you did something 211 times rather than 210. So don’t get hung up on numbers/times. Do your best, confess what you know, and you’ll do fine. God already knows how many times you did each sin, He was there when you did them. Your heart is what He truly wants, not your ability in statistics.

I would caution you about two things; first, believing you are indeed forgiven. For some reason, some who go through this process feel glad when they’re done, but within a couple days they begin to doubt if God would really forgive them. Don’t ask me why that happens, but it sometimes does. God will forgive you - believe it. It’s hard to grasp the enormity of it - that what happened to Lazarus in front of friends and family is going to happen to your soul, but it does. And when you reunite with God in that way, don’t expect Satan to just shrug and walk away. He will always sow doubt. Don’t fall for it.

The second thing I’d caution about is trying to overly dissect your confession after it happens. OH! I forgot to mention X. As one of the previous posters mentioned, don’t panic, just confess it next time you go.

And speaking of going… the best advice you’ve been offered so far is to go regularly. This went in one ear and out the other most of my adult life to my regret. But one day I got the grace to change that and confession took on a whole different light in my life. It’s hard to know what you should be working on if you go every so many months and dump a whole wheelbarrow full of sins. But if you go every couple, three weeks, it’s easy to spot that you’re in there confessing the same thing as last time, and now you know what you should be praying about and working to fix.

I wish you the best and I hope you come back after the big day and you’ve had a week or so to let it all sink in and tell us how you feel then.

 

[Scardinoz]

I’m going through RCIA right now as well and preparing to enter the Church on the Easter Vigil. My mindset has shifted from “Wow, Lent takes on a whole new meaning!” to, “Maybe with enough prayer/penence I won’t have to confess ____”. The silly thing is that this is my thought about sins that I know my priest has heard 100 times before from everyone to sit behind the screen. On the other hand, it’s the big things that I feel are unique that I want so badly to confess as soon as I have my chance.

I’m not sure whether it helps or hurts that the priest at the parish God chose to bring me into his Church at happens to be a childhood friend of my uncle and an old friend of the family.

My final conclusion was this:

• My priest will recognize my voice simply because he’s heard plenty of it.
• Nothing I tell him will surprise him.
• I’ve endured much more difficult things in converting to the Catholic Church than telling my sins to a priest who is sworn to absolute secrecy under threat of excommunication.

Why sit behind the screen? I’ll sit where he can see me, look him in the eye, tell him what I’m there to tell him, and see if I can’t benefit from the short time I have to talk to my priest alone while there.

Will I lose my nerve? Maybe. Then again, I’m terrified of needles and I donated blood for the first time after mass last Sunday.

 

[Snugglebugmom]

I think you’ve already received some great advice so I’m not going to repeat those points. I just wanted to tell you that I did my very first confession a few months ago and it was nerve-wracking, embarrassing and very humbling… and then it was over and the relief and the joy were absolutely overwhelming! I don’t think I had anything to say that Monsignor hadn’t heard hundreds of times before, but even so it was rather embarrassing, and humbling. And I think that is partly the point. There is nothing wrong with having to own up to what you did and feeling that it was not the right thing to do. Sort of a “if you do the crime, you’ll have to do the time” if you catch my meaning.
And then the priest gives you absolution, and there is no way to adequately describe how you feel afterward. I had a huge grin on my face for the rest of the evening and the next day, I felt brand-new and squeaky clean, like I was granted a whole new start… It was so awesome, and you will feel the same way! It’s going to be scary, it’s going to be humbling, it’s going to be the most amazing experience, all rolled into one. You will be fine!

 

[puzzleannie]

you can go to any priest you want, but your own pastor will not remember or think about anything you say once he leaves the confessional, or bring it up to you or anyone else, he would be barred from the priesthood if he did. In any case, no matter who sits in the box you are confessing to Christ, so why should that bring fear and anxiety or anything except comfort?

but for you and others in your position, first welcome home, but recall that these things from your past that are causing you the most anxiety are also those memories most in need of healing, and confession is above all a healing sacrament. don’t hold back, experience all the grace of Christ you are entitled to and know once and for all these sins are erased.

 

[gmcbroom]

Dear TaraJoBean,
Firstly, don’t fret. God is extremely merciful and so are his priests. Now if you have been previously baptised in a church recognized by the Catholic church as one with a valid baptismal formula (I think they acknowledge the Lutheran,Anglican, and a few others as valid for baptism) then you do have to go through RCIA and of course confession. Now, if you’ve never been baptized ever, then you don’t need to confess anything because your first baptism in the Catholic church absolves your sins up to that point (there is a reason the Emperor didn’t get baptized until he was on his death bed). So, either way don’t worry. Oh and welcome to the Catholic church I’m a catachumen myself.

 

[Bookcat]

Aww, thank you. And it’s “tweek,” although I think I like your French-style spelling better!

Betsy

 

[TaraJoBean]

Thanks everyone. I do feel somewhat better. I have been praying to God to help me do what is right, too, and give me courage and help me to have the right spirit about confessing. I also might buy The Little Catechism of Confession that I saw advertised off to the right of this thread! My personality is such that the more I am prepared, the better I am able to deal psychologically with something that bothers me.

What motivates me more than anything to confess every last thing (even if I don’t remember it very clearly) is that I do NOT want to worry later that my confession wasn’t valid, which I can totally see me doing. I don’t want to leave feeling burdened because I mentally talked myself out of needing to confess that one last thing… That’s why I think I will make a list, to make sure I don’t forget anything that would cause me worry later.

Thanks to those who answered some of my specific questions. I may ask my priest about confessing to someone else the first time, but I’m not sure yet. My thinking is that if who the priest is is a distraction to me, why not confess to someone else this first time so I can more easily focus on the confession itself and my sins being absolved, rather than worrying about what the priest (who I will see later) will think of me… right?

 

[CarrieH]

Welcome to the Catholic Church! I second what Snugglebugmom said.

First confessions for converts are almost always stressful, so you have a lot of sympathy here! But at least you are being properly instructed – I went through RCIA at an ultra-liberal parish 12 years ago, and they had us do a “general absolution” service which I later learned wasn’t valid. So I received my confirmation in a state of serious sin (probably not truly mortal since I didn’t know the difference…yet!). Later, after I had moved away and was at a church where they did things the right way, I learned about how this was wrong and how I needed to do a real confession. And I was terrified – I didn’t cry, but I was shaking like a leaf the whole time! Father knew it was me, and do you know what he said when I finished? “Praise God – what a wonderful confession! And it’s all forgiven.” I felt sooooo good afterwards! I hope your experience will be as good as mine was. As others have said, you’re not going to tell the priest anything he hasn’t heard before, and if you make a really good confession, he will probably be impressed that you had the courage to do so, rather than thinking badly of you for having a “past.”

As far as the sexual sins, something along the lines of “impure touching and kissing” should cover it, and I’d add “to the point of orgasm” if it went that far, but further details are not necessary. If the priest wants to know more details, he’ll ask. Since you probably didn’t keep count, a general statement of “x times a week for a period of y months/years” is an acceptable way to say it.

God bless!

 

[aspirant]

Others have responded, but here’s an extra :twocents:

However, since I have never confessed my sins before in my life, I am VERY anxious both because it’s my first time ever confessing, and because since it’s my first time confessing, I have a decent-sized list of mortal sins.

My first confession covered at least fifteen years or more. Though my religious ed teacher discouraged a written list, I made a huge one. I included the different kinds of sins, and approximate numbers/frequency to the best of my recollection. I’d done some really heinous ****. And I confessed everything on it. I thought it would take much longer, but the whole thing took about 10 minutes. It was great. I burned the list when I got home.

I just know I’m going to be crying in the confessional and not be able to talk clearly

Crying is not only OK, tears are a gift! Tissues are usually available.

I know the priest will know exactly who I am and I just do NOT want him to know some of the things I have to say, and then see him later.

Don’t sweat it. Unless he’s brand new, he’s already heard most sins confessed. And even if he is brand new, he’s confessed a lot of them to other priests himself. Many priests report that they honestly cannot remember people’s sins, and some of them consider this a special gift of the Spirit. Regardless, he’ll have little desire to remember since he’s absolutely forbidden even to implicate you in front of other people. Seriously, don’t worry about this. Baltobetsy is right: you will not shock him, and he will not treat you differently. We speak from experience!

Is there any way that I could go to a different priest that won’t know who I am to confess?

Yep. Just be sure to tell whoever you do see that it’s your first confession and approximately how many years you’ll be covering. Probably a good idea to do this by appointment.

I know you have to confess all “mortal sins” but what if the sin you did IS a mortal sin, and at the time you knew it was bad, but you didn’t know what a “mortal sin” was.

If it was grave matter, you did it with full consent, and that you knew at the time it was wrong, even if you didn’t realize at the time that it was a mortal sin, confess it.

Also, if you freely did something that you sincerely believed at the time to be seriously wrong, but you’ve since learned that the act was not seriously wrong, confess the violation of your conscience.

This latter might be confusing, so let me give an example: Many Baptists believe drinking alcohol is a sin, but some of them do it anyway, even though their consciences tell them not to. Catholics, on the other hand, don’t believe drinking alcohol is a sin. If a Baptist who drank alcohol decided to become Catholic, he doesn’t need to confess “I drank alcohol once,” because that’s not a sin. He should probably confess “I violated my conscience once,” however, even though his conscience was misinformed. Catholics do believe it’s important not to violate one’s conscience.

I wish I knew how to word certain sins… I am thinking of sexual sins (which are all my mortal sins, I think). Does anyone know if I have to break down certain “acts”?

Baltobetsy’s terms should be very helpful here, stuff like:
“I committed impure acts with a married man on one occasion.”

Generally speaking, a lot of detail is not only unnecessary but unwanted. If the priest feels some further clarification is required, he will ask for it. For example:
“And were you married or unmarried at the time?”

Answer questions like this, if they’re asked, as directly as possible and without too much elaboration. For example:
“I was unmarried.”

this first confession is going to make me sick to my stomach.

Seriously, don’t worry about it.

 

[Magnavox]

Has anyone ever had a priest shun them or treat them any differently after confession?