Extremely hurt over adult sons!

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novelist99

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I’m going through a terrible time, because of my two adult sons. My heart is absolutely broken.

The first is 32 years old. He has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, which he’s getting treatment for. After a breakup two months ago, he has undergone a drastic personality change and is having severe depression. He has always been selfish and verbally abusive to me off and on for years, but this time, it’s so much worse. It’s like he’s taking his pain out on me, wants to hurt me. I tried to be supportive of him through the breakup, but he started snapping at me publicly on Facebook, and he even created some fake profiles in order to attack me. The messages were full of profanity and accusations. They were utterly dehumanizing.

He lives in my home, but has avoided me for months. The only way I can communicate with him is through FB. We live in a large house, and he enters via a back hallway and races up to his room. My health is poor, and I’m unable to go to his room upstairs to speak to him.

Feeling that I can no longer handle the stress and abuse, (plus he never pays rent though he has a good paying job) I told him that I want him to move out, but I only received further abuse.

Still reeling from this, I received another blow when my 29 year old son, who has Asperger’s, visited tonight and told me that he doesn’t believe in God. I don’t understand this as he was always involved with the church, very pious. It’s hard to get information from him as he’s locked in his own world, but he said that he suddenly decided this in August 2015. He also added that, because he no longer believes in God that he won’t be coming over for dinner on Easter.

I told my other son, who was also very pious, about this development via a private message on FB, and he said he has no intention of celebrating Easter either. He said: “It’s hard to believe in a God that has not granted the one thing I’ve prayed for over and over these years, and that is for him to kill me. I certainly do not feel like celebrating Easter or worshiping god or praising him.”

I’m hurt, shocked, and frustrated–I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know how to deal with this. My family and I could certainly use some prayers.

Do you have any advice?
 
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such heartbreak with your sons. It must be so very painful seeing your sons, whom you raised to be God-fearing, behaving this way.

Are you able to talk to your priest? Perhaps he could offer some avenues for dealing with this issue.

Do you have your husband around? Any family members you can confide in? It’s important to have some kind of support structure helping you through this.

Continue with Mass, the Sacraments, and praying!! Don’t ever give up! Place this cross at the foot of Our Lord’s cross.

Pray to the Blessed Mother to help you as she is the patron saint of all mothers. You will be in my prayers.

St. Monica pray for us!

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
novelist99 said:
I’m going through a terrible time, because of my two adult sons. My heart is absolutely broken.

The first is 32 years old. He has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, which he’s getting treatment for. After a breakup two months ago, he has undergone a drastic personality change and is having severe depression. He has always been selfish and verbally abusive to me off and on for years, but this time, it’s so much worse. It’s like he’s taking his pain out on me, wants to hurt me. I tried to be supportive of him through the breakup, but he started snapping at me publicly on Facebook, and he even created some fake profiles in order to attack me. The messages were full of profanity and accusations. They were utterly dehumanizing.

He lives in my home, but has avoided me for months. The only way I can communicate with him is through FB. We live in a large house, and he enters via a back hallway and races up to his room. My health is poor, and I’m unable to go to his room upstairs to speak to him.

Feeling that I can no longer handle the stress and abuse, (plus he never pays rent though he has a good paying job) I told him that I want him to move out, but I only received further abuse.

Still reeling from this, I received another blow when my 29 year old son, who has Asperger’s, visited tonight and told me that he doesn’t believe in God. I don’t understand this as he was always involved with the church, very pious. It’s hard to get information from him as he’s locked in his own world, but he said that he suddenly decided this in August 2015. He also added that, because he no longer believes in God that he won’t be coming over for dinner on Easter.

I told my other son, who was also very pious, about this development via a private message on FB, and he said he has no intention of celebrating Easter either. He said: “It’s hard to believe in a God that has not granted the one thing I’ve prayed for over and over these years, and that is for him to kill me. I certainly do not feel like celebrating Easter or worshiping god or praising him.”

I’m hurt, shocked, and frustrated–I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know how to deal with this. My family and I could certainly use some prayers.

Do you have any advice?
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I do have two pieces of advice. Get off Facebook. It is inhibiting your social behavior. And kick your son out. Yes, I know you probably are not going to do either. But that is what should be done.
 
novelist99 said:
I’m going through a terrible time, because of my two adult sons. My heart is absolutely broken.

The first is 32 years old. He has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, which he’s getting treatment for. After a breakup two months ago, he has undergone a drastic personality change and is having severe depression. He has always been selfish and verbally abusive to me off and on for years, but this time, it’s so much worse. It’s like he’s taking his pain out on me, wants to hurt me. I tried to be supportive of him through the breakup, but he started snapping at me publicly on Facebook, and he even created some fake profiles in order to attack me. The messages were full of profanity and accusations. They were utterly dehumanizing.

He lives in my home, but has avoided me for months. The only way I can communicate with him is through FB. We live in a large house, and he enters via a back hallway and races up to his room. My health is poor, and I’m unable to go to his room upstairs to speak to him.

Feeling that I can no longer handle the stress and abuse, (plus he never pays rent though he has a good paying job) I told him that I want him to move out, but I only received further abuse.

Still reeling from this, I received another blow when my 29 year old son, who has Asperger’s, visited tonight and told me that he doesn’t believe in God. I don’t understand this as he was always involved with the church, very pious. It’s hard to get information from him as he’s locked in his own world, but he said that he suddenly decided this in August 2015. He also added that, because he no longer believes in God that he won’t be coming over for dinner on Easter.

I told my other son, who was also very pious, about this development via a private message on FB, and he said he has no intention of celebrating Easter either. He said: “It’s hard to believe in a God that has not granted the one thing I’ve prayed for over and over these years, and that is for him to kill me. I certainly do not feel like celebrating Easter or worshiping god or praising him.”

I’m hurt, shocked, and frustrated–I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know how to deal with this. My family and I could certainly use some prayers.

Do you have any advice?
Click to expand...
I think it’s worth asking your Asperger son, “What is the logical connection between not believing in God and not having dinner with your mother?” and see what he says. If he has some sort of argument about it being hypocritical to celebrate a holiday he doesn’t believe in, don’t argue with him about it, just book him for another night.

Don’t give up. Also, pursue counseling for yourself to figure out appropriate boundaries and conduct with your sons.
 
I am sorry you are going through this. Your son who is attacking you on Facebook isn’t winning himself any popularity. I would suggest you consider selling your house and moving into assisted living and letting your sons fend for themselves.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I do have two pieces of advice. Get off Facebook. It is inhibiting your social behavior. And kick your son out. Yes, I know you probably are not going to do either. But that is what should be done.
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Xantippe said:
I think it’s worth asking your Asperger son, “What is the logical connection between not believing in God and not having dinner with your mother?” and see what he says. If he has some sort of argument about it being hypocritical to celebrate a holiday he doesn’t believe in, don’t argue with him about it, just book him for another night.

Don’t give up. Also, pursue counseling for yourself to figure out appropriate boundaries and conduct with your sons.
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I agree with both of these posts. Your eldest has no right to treat you this way, and he should not be living in your home when he bullies and badmouths you. It sounds like he needs to get himself some help if he wants to be dead.

Get some counselling for yourself to help you. I’m sorry your son is acting this way towards you, and you do not have to put up with it.

Lou
 
MSSheBear said:
I am sorry you are going through this. Your son who is attacking you on Facebook isn’t winning himself any popularity. I would suggest you consider selling your house and moving into assisted living and letting your sons fend for themselves.
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This is a really good idea. Put your health first, OP. If you can’t manage stairs, it would be better if you could live somewhere more suited to your needs. Don’t feel like you have to stay to for your son. You don’t owe him anything.

Lou
 
Kick the 32-year-old out of your house.
Unfriend/block him on facebook if he can’t behave himself.
Find someone more pleasant to have dinner with on Easter. There’s no logic that requires not participating in a traditional family dinner when one has doubt about their faith. My mother typically invites a couple of her Jewish friend over for Easter dinner because it’s nice to spend time with people she cares about. I suspect your son in just trying to hurt your feelings. Do you have other family that you could spend the day with? I bet there are members of your parish who will have a lonely Easter evening ahead of them. Maybe you could have them over instead? If there’s literally no one else, consider volunteering your evening at the homeless shelter or soup kitchen or even the NICU at the local hospital. It’s what Jesus would do and you’ll feel much better than spending the evening with these two snotty brats you’ve described. I imagine this isn’t the advice you want to hear, but there is no magic spell for forcing grown men to act right and do what you want them to do. You can only change yourself.
 
You didn’t mention if your 32 year old son is taking any medication or counseling from a mental health center. If he is, it may be a good idea tocallthem and let them know what’s going on! Some of this could be from the bi polar thing, but if he “wants to be dead” maybe he’s suicidal too! There may be a way you can get more help too if your a senior with this problem. I if you kick him out, make sure you have a member of the family around, particularly a male, because they can become violent. In fact, getting a lawyer is a good idea too.

You didn’t mention if he was working or gets disability. Sometimes they are eligible for low income housing.

In any case, I agree with the previous posters. Sell your home and get somewhere you’re more comfortable in. If you have the fixings for an Easter meal you might mention to your other son there’s plenty of non Christians too that have Easter meals, and if he could do this just for you.

If not, maybe visit a nursing home or a hospital with some Easter goodies. ,
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Prayer to Our Lady of Mental Peace

O Lady of Mental Peace,
Mother of Tranquility
and Mother of Hope,
look upon novelist99 in this time
of weakness and unrest.

Teach her searching heart
to know that God’s Love
for her is unchanging and
unchangeable, and, that
true human love can only
begin and grow by touching
His Love.

Let your gentle Peace -
which this world cannot give
  • be always with her.
    And, help her to bring this
    same Peace into the lives
    of others.
Our Lady of Mental Peace,
  • Pray for us!
    Amen.
Jesus, Help Me!

In every need let me come to You with humble trust,
saying:
Jesus, help me!
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations:
Jesus, help me!
In hours of loneliness, weariness and trials:
Jesus, help me!
In the failure of my plans and hopes, in disappointments,
troubles and sorrows:
Jesus, help me!
When others fail me, and Your Grace alone can assist me:
Jesus, help me!
When I throw myself on Your tender Love as Savior:
Jesus, help me!
When my heart is cast down by failure, at seeing no good
come from my efforts:
Jesus, help me!
When I feel impatient, and my cross irritates me:
Jesus, help me!
When I am ill, and my head and hands cannot work and
I am lonely:
Jesus, help me!

Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls and short-
comings of every kind:
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, help me and never forsake me!

Amen

†

Prayer Against Depression
………….By St Ignatius of Loyola

O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You,
We shall see Your Hand,
Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.

Amen.

†

Let Nothing Disturb You

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.

Patience,
Obtains all things,
Whoever has God
Lacks nothing:
God alone suffices.

Santa Teresa de Jesús
(Santa Teresa de Ávila)
 
See if you can get your sons to read your post and the replys. Maybe that will wake them up. Stay off of Facebook. If they want to talk to you let them do it in person. Praying for you .At this age you don,t need all this with being sick yourself.
 
Interesting that you posted this a day before Easter…
Are you really having as much trouble with your sons as you say? The problems with the one who lives with you seem to have been going on for a long time. And then, all of a sudden, your other son decides not to celebrate Easter with you! Yes, it is a sad situation, but is it concern over your sons, or having to spend Easter without them, that is getting you si upset?

Yes, it is sad to.have to spend Easter Sunday without your children, grown as they are, but please, don’t make any decisions concerning them, your home, who lives where, anything major, until AFTER this holiday has passed. You have to be clear minded to do this. And, if their father isn’t in the picture, you need spirItual counseling, possibly therapy, too. Make an appointment to speak to your priest. He has resources that message boards do not.
And I wish you the best Easter possible, under the circumstances.
 
Dear OP, I suffer from anxiety and depression that is most likely caused by borderline personality disorder (I stopped going to the metnal doctor before the diagnosis would be stated, so it’s not official, eventhough “it is”).
The hardest part with the disorder I’d say, is black and white thinking. If the most important thing is OKAY, everything is ok, but if anything goes bad, it all goes bad. What made me turn around from this is that once (not too long ago), I’ve looked at myself and my past behaviour. And there were no excuses for how I acted (very much like your older son). I was very crushed by that.
That’s not the end just yet.
The things and the people that made me angry all the time, were very close to me, and I still felt the unjust anger and was in a revenge like mode. I started offering that up to God and was trying my best every day to not lose it again. So far so good. But only through God’s grace. And it can be painful.

I don’t know if the first part helps you in any way, but the second part of this post is more important to you, I think. When I was depressed and hopeless (I really didn’t want to get on the old track of anger again) it was really painful. I think that was the worst psychological pain I experienced, and I experienced some. When I was at the bottom of the pit (just like you are now), I didn’t sense God’s presence , but I FIRMLY DECEIDED to follow through with my commitement, and DID NOT LET MYSELF TO DESPAIR. Eventhough I didn’t feel God next to me, HE WAS CLOSER THAN EVER. And still is. So don’t lose hope in God. If that meant that I will lay down for an hour and just repeatedly ask God to help me, that’s what I did. NO CROSS TOO HEAVY TO CARRY IS GIVEN, that’s what was on my mind pretty much all the time.

Now, I would be a lot more worried if you would see a slow and gradual change in your sons behaviour. Because most of what he is saying now is out depression and anxiety and all that - It can really, really blur our BPD minds. But it hurst you, I know.

If I would talk with your older son, I’d tell him something like this (from my own experience): When one day, you will loose a member of your family who loved you, more than any other person. Every bit of anger will feel unjustified, regardless of what was the reason behind it. Noone and nothing holds a price worthy of a minute of anger towards your family.

I’m sorry for a long reply. I just really wish you all the best and if there is anything in my post that will lift you up and help you, I will be very happy. I apologize in the name of your son, who is suffering from BPD, we can be manipulative and very bad torwards ANYONE, but especially to those who are very close to us.

(sorry my english is not too good)

Today, at the Holy Vigil Mass, right before the priest will consecrate the bread and the wine, when I will offer my thoughts, words and deeds, I will especially offer to to the altar you and your two sons and ask God to heal all the wounds. I will ask him to transform everything, just like He makes bread His Body and wine His Blood.

GOD BLESS
 
You’ve received a lot of good advice about having your son leave, blocking those on FaceBook who are abusing, getting an accessible house, and counseling for yourself.

Praying for you and your family.
 
If your 32 year old has a psychaitrist or therapist-i agree to alert them about his comment about dying and the abusive behavior. You can print the online comments to aide in the treatment.

If he doesn’t have a doctor or he refuses treatment- there should be a department of mental health that you can call, and they can come and evaluate him and the situation, and you can show them the print outs as well.

After this takes place, you can see if he changes for the better-and if not he can be evicted-if you still choose this.

As for your other son-well- this is also disturbing and sad that he will not come to Easter and has lost his faith.

However- your first priority which requires action on your part is the 32 year old. A depressed, suicidal, bipolar and abusive son comes before a missed Easter dinner imho-and you can address this with the other son later.
 
mommy_k said:
If your 32 year old has a psychaitrist or therapist-i agree to alert them about his comment about dying and the abusive behavior. You can print the online comments to aide in the treatment.

If he doesn’t have a doctor or he refuses treatment- there should be a department of mental health that you can call, and they can come and evaluate him and the situation, and you can show them the print outs as well.

After this takes place, you can see if he changes for the better-and if not he can be evicted-if you still choose this.

As for your other son-well- this is also disturbing and sad that he will not come to Easter and has lost his faith.

However- your first priority which requires action on your part is the 32 year old. A depressed, suicidal, bipolar and abusive son comes before a missed Easter dinner imho-and you can address this with the other son later.
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Right.
 
Just going over what has been said, and it seems that when I answered you before, I somehow missed the fact that your son who lives with you has threatened your life. You cannot take any chances, now. Especially if you do not have a husband that is living with you, now. If you do, show him the email/text NOW! If not, call the police. Your son has been diagnosed with serious mental health issues, You can’t take chances with your life.

Unless…has he been using similar threats to control and bully you, all along? This doesn’t change my advice, but it may make it more difficult to get him arrested or removed from your house. You haven’t posted to this thread for almost a day. I’ll be praying for you, and am hoping any anger has been abated.
 
Just to clarify things a little:
The OP did not say her son has threatened her life. He said he wants God to kill him. (She put the quote in first person.)

I agree with others, you should get help to move him out of your house, or move to a more comfortable location yourself and sell the house. If he has a job he can support himself and live independently.
It’s not doing him a kindness to allow him to live off of you and be abusive. He needs to know that people, especially one’s own family, are to be treated with respect.
God bless.
 
Your first priority has to be you. You do not deserve to be abused in your own home. I would call elder services in your area and tell them what is going on. If you can’t find elder services, call a local domestic abuse hotline and they will help you.

You don’t have to live with abuse in your own home. You can file a restraining order and the police will escort him out. If he comes back, call the police.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
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