Facebook and my mother

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peccator81

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My mother has a habit of “liking” and commenting on nearly everything I post on facebook, especially pictures and anecdotes of my children. This bothers me because I’m not on facebook to interact with my mother, but with old friends and acquaintances who I rarely/never see or talk to outside of facebook. I find many of my mother’s comments embarrassing, and would like to ask her to stop, but she will likely be hurt and offended if I do. Am I dishonoring my mother, disrespecting her, violating the 4th commandment, or sinning in any other way if I politely ask her to give me her reactions to my facebook posts in private? My other options - deleting her comments, blocking her from seeing my posts, not posting at all, or doing nothing and being annoyed every time she comments - all seem worse than gently asking her to respect my personal internet space. Advice, suggestions, and perspectives greatly appreciated 🙂

Some background fwiw: my mother and I have had a tense and uncomfortable relationship for years. At this point it is civil and polite (wasn’t always, mostly my fault) but we will never be good friends or really close. Another potential complication is that my MIL comments on my stuff about half as often as my mother. I wish she wouldn’t either but don’t feel comfortable asking her to stop.
 
Another reason to delete your facebook account. Best thing I ever did. 😃

Otherwise, tell her not to comment on your posts/pics and then if she continues to:
“de-friend” her. FB is not real life and you don’t have to “Friend” every single family member/relative.
 
If you post it for all your “friends” to see and then are upset that one of these “friends” comments on them, even though its your mother, I think the problem is with you, and not your mom.
Your options:
  1. Stop posting on facebook so that your mom will stop commenting on stuff that you post for everyone to see.
  2. Only post on your friends boards.
  3. Delete facebook all together since its stupid.
  4. Completely alienate your mom by unfriending her or telling her she’s embarrasing.
Personally I would just let it go.
 
I think it’s her way of trying to reconnect with you. Maybe give her a gentle Facebook primer that you don’t have to like everything.
 
Brianmcg321 said:
If you post it for all your “friends” to see and then are upset that one of these “friends” comments on them, even though its your mother, I think the problem is with you, and not your mom.
Your options:
  1. Stop posting on facebook so that your mom will stop commenting on stuff that you post for everyone to see.
  2. Only post on your friends boards.
  3. Delete facebook all together since its stupid.
  4. Completely alienate your mom by unfriending her or telling her she’s embarrasing.
Personally I would just let it go.
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haha I like #4 😃
 
It is weird to be so concerned about friendships that probably would not exist any more if you weren’t posting stuff on the internet that is primarily of interest to your parents and in-laws. If you get cancer, who is going to take care of your kids and take you to chemo? These people you never see, except for Facebook? If they’re that close, for crying out loud figure out how to have a real social life with them!

There is a reason that everyone expects immediate family to make more Facebook posts than anyone else. It is because everyone knows your mom has always been more excited when you cut a tooth or rode a bike or found a really great recipe than anybody else. They found out you had a baby, and they thought, “Oh nice, Peccator had a baby. How nice for her.” Your mother and MIL, meanwhile, were the thrilled grandparents! If anything at all was wrong with one of your kids, they would be there for you every step of the way.

You may not be close to your mom, but I have news for you: Someone who is a long ways a way and wants to be closer to you than your mother will not mind seeing her “embarrassing” likes of your life on Facebook. If they don’t post more than your mom, she is probably closer and more to be counted on than they are. Being closer, she has a hundred times more different ways to annoy you. It is like the force of gravity–the closer you are, the more those little faults drive you nuts.

PS The high school kids who want a virtual social life that doesn’t include their parents use Instagram. (Hint: You do not tell your parents that you use it and you still post stuff on Facebook for the consumption of your older relatives…)
 
FrenzyJen said:
My parents always told me growing up that their job was to be my parent, not my friend.

So you, could un-friend her on that basis alone.
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As the Esurance lady would protest: That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works! 😃
 

  1. EasterJoy said:
    As the Esurance lady would protest: That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works! 😃
    Click to expand...
    Omgosh those commercials are my favorite! Did you see the new one where the old lady is playing Candy Crush and she’s sitting there crushing little hard candies with a hammer saying this is so fun? Hahaha
    Oh yeah… And I deleted my Facebook last year. I found it to be a major sucker upper of my time!
 
henpecked said:
I think it’s her way of trying to reconnect with you. Maybe give her a gentle Facebook primer that you don’t have to like everything.
Click to expand...
That’s what I was thinking. She probably believes this is a way to support you and show that she is proud of the grandkids.
Let it go.
 
Simply adjust the settings on the posts in question so that she doesn’t see them. But remember to make some posts visible to her. The problem you have is that in real life we typically interact with different groups of friends and family separately and I different ways. Facebook breaks those barriers if not setup correctly.
 
I think you should count your blessings and your mother is a blessing!

This just reminds me of a special friend of mine who has suffered so many years due to her mother`s indifference towards her. She grew up with a mother who verbally abused her constantly and at the age of 8 she was told by her mother " I hate you but I love you because you are my daughter". It is evident that the mother has a psychiatric problem but all her life she suffered because she never had a mother’s love.
 
No one else can understand the real facts of your relationship with your mum; be it cold or warm, only you know how you really feel and why it is so. This might not perfectly fit with the theme but maybe this will help you find peace:

My dear child, the day you see I’m
getting old, I ask you to please be
patient, but most of all, try to
understand what I’m going through. If
when we talk, I repeat the same thing
a thousand times, don’t interrupt to
say: “You said the same thing a
minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try
to remember the times when you were
little and I would read the same story
night after night until you would fall
asleep.
When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t
be mad and don’t embarrass me.
Remember when I had to run after you
making excuses and trying to get you
to take a shower when you were just a
girl?
When you see how ignorant I am when
it comes to new technology, give me
the time to learn and don’t look at me
that way … remember, honey, I
patiently taught you how to do many
things like eating appropriately, getting
dressed, combing your hair and
dealing with life’s issues every day…
the day you see I’m getting old, I ask
you to please be patient, but most of
all, try to understand what I’m going
through.
If I occasionally lose track of what
we’re talking about, give me the time
to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be
nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just
know in your heart that the most
important thing for me is to be with
you.
And when my old, tired legs don’t let
me move as quickly as before, give
me your hand the same way that I
offered mine to you when you first
walked. When those days come, don’t
feel sad… just be with me, and
understand me while I get to the end of
my life with love. I’ll cherish and
thank you for the gift of time and joy
we shared. With a big smile and the
huge love I’ve always had for you, I
just want to say, I love you … my
darling daughter.

Original text in Spanish and photo by
Guillermo Peña.
Translation to English by Sergio
Cadena
 
You could ask your Mom to offer feedback on photos and other things using Facebook’s private message system. Explain this as “privacy concerns,” so that not everyone on Facebook can see into your parental relationship, or get private details about your kids.

Or send her the same pictures, etc. that you post through the Facebook’s PM system, which allows you to upload attachments and such, so that her ONLY option is to respond that way.

You can also prevent people from writing on your wall using custom settings.

Eventually I just had to walk away from Facebook. It’s too much complication for too little payoff.
 
I love seeing DD’s posts about her sons on FB and seeing the comments her friends make but seldom add any comments myself.

That being said, if she blocked me and not her DMIL, who committed similar offenses, it would severely, and possibly permanently, damage our relationship.
 
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