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[dconklin]

My wife and I both enjoy Facebook. We both live about 1000 miles from our hometowns. It is really nice to reconnect. Last week I went home (alone) to my 25th HS reunion. Since I have been in contact with many of my old friends for the past few years, the reunion seemed much more meaningful and effective. The 20th was far from as enjoyable. Since we have been catching up already, we did not have to spend as much time talking about what we have been doing and spent more time asking how each other’s kids are - and so on. I was also able to find out since last weekend that one of our classmates recently passed.

I have reconnected with old flames and crushes and I am sure my wife has as well. Not a single thing as even come to happening. We are old now, most of us married, and we are all over old relationships.

 

[chain]

I often wonder how many marriages will fail because of social networking sites.

I saw one marriage put through the ringer because of one. The wife hooked up with one of her exes because the grass looked greener - pretty much forgot any of the vows she made at her wedding. Turns out after 6 months the new boyfriend became an ex again and she came back home to her husband (who still felt his vows mattered).

While not social networking, I was the ex my wife found on the internet (she broke up with me 14 years earlier to take a job cross country - long story about the misunderstanding behind that one). She was board one day at work (the weekend before her divorce was final). I went to visit her the next weekend because I knew she would be under stress - we have been back together about 8 years now.

I too hate seeing all the ex and wanted-to-be’s that are on her friends list (who she probably has no other contact with than an occasional fronterville gift).

 

[Charlotte1776]

I have this same issue with my husband. He is close friends with all his exes, and is facebook friends with all of them too. I know he would never go back to any of them, but it still makes me uncomfortable considering how deeply he loved them and the fact that they broke up with him, so he did not want the relationships to end. One in particular was basically his soul mate and he wanted to go back to her right up until he met me.
I don’t think he really understands relationship boundaries, as evidenced by the fact that I called him during lunch on the day we were supposed to go to our first marriage prep class and he was at a restaurant with one of his exes. He didn’t even tell me he was going to meet with her, though he swears he did. I cried so hard. Of all the days to do something like that! I tried to find the number of the marriage prep counselor to cancel the appointment, but I couldn’t so we ended up going anyway but I was pretty miserable.
Then when we were planning our wedding, we were considering a reception venue that only seated 100 people and he wanted me to cut out some of my family so he could invite the ENTIRE family of his favorite ex - sister, parents, grandparets, everyone.
He also lied to me about how many times he’s been to strip clubs, but that’s different matter I guess.
I’ve talked to him a lot about it and he doesn’t talk to his exes much anymore, but I don’t think he really gets how much it hurt me. When I first started going out with my husband, my ex unfriended me on facebook and stopped talking to me because he new it would probably hurt my new relationship, and I agreed.
So now I’m stuck in a position where if I tell him how much it bothers me, I come off as a jealous, insecure person who should just let it go. But if I keep it tucked away inside, it’s going to slowly eat through me and our relationship.

 

[xando]

I read in an encyclical I believe that married people really should avoid extramarital relationships, ostensibly platonic, with people of the opposite sex. One of the points being that you should look towards the marriage for fulfillment and growth. Another being that creating relationships with members of the opposite sex could potentially create problems - and we have all seen that happen.

In this day and age of easy access to social networks and with people working long hours and days in offices it is easy to see how friendships can develop.

Having said all that my thoughts are basically old flames and relationships (many of which may have involved sexual intimacies) are in the past and should be left there. I personally have no desire to connect with any ex girlfriend and I have made it clear I would not be comfortable with my wife having friendly relations with her ex’s.

Married couples need to focus on the marriage and the relationship and not checking in on ex’s especially when there has been a gap in communication for some time.

 

[TurboVW]

Facebook could be seen as a silly website with harmless personal pages.

Or, it’s a manifestation of the person behind the screen. Like another said here, if that ex is and ex, then why would they seek and befriend you? Why would you say yes? And I think it depends on the relationship that the couple had, if it was a fling or something deeper.

Yet, Facebook has now rewritten all of society’s unwritten rules of interacting with people. Why should our on-line behavior matter? It’s just an ordinary chat on Facebook, not like we’re talking in person. It’s just linking profiles, not like we’re moving in with him/her.

It does matter. We need to keep stuff private throughout our lives, and the past isn’t always worth reliving. And you can easily relive every aspect of your past with Facebook (some very bored former classmate scanned pictures of my grammar school class 20 years ago, which most people untagged themselves from. Yet, the photos are still up on his page…).

 

[remjsmom76]

You shouldve said something. Just like men tell woman “WE DONT READ MINDS” yeah…same rule applies here. Although, I would never accept an old flames request to be a friend. To me its a no brainer…Its out of respect for my husband. What would I have to talk about with an old flame…the way we held hands, stared into each others eyes…what? Thats just me…maybe Im wrong and some others may either disagree with me or agree with me but for me…I wouldnt ask my husband if it was ok, Id just click DECLINE!

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut here.

My wife is pretty active on Facebook and enjoys keeping up with friends, reconnecting with old ones, sharing pics of kids…blah, blah, blah. Social networking is not really my thing, so I have pretty much avoided it. I gave her grief about a year ago when I was watching her carrying on a conversation with a guy we both new from college (good guy)–nothing terribly seriously, just a half-joking discussion about not being super comfortable with old random guy friends jumping back in her life.

Didn’t really give it much more thought after that. I trust her and have no reason to ever suspect any sort of infidelity–not even close.

Fast forward to a year later and my wife told me she got a friend request from an old flame (15 years ago). Now this old flame was more of a long distance relationship and didn’t last all that long…but I know of him and their relationship. My wife asked my about it and asked if I cared what she did? I really didn’t give it considerable amount of thought and sort of just dismissed saying I didn’t care. I trust my wife and don’t typically expend much energy worring about these sort of things.

A week later, I see she accepted his friend request. And I feel…irritated. I realize I said I didn’t care, but I find that…apparently I do–and I think that she really should have just ignored the request. Should I say something? Do I have a right to be irritated since I said I didn’t care? Did she do anything wrong?

I realize this is super trivial compared to the serious issues raised on this forum, but I thought I would get some feedback from you.

–Rico

 

[KCT]

How long ago were these two “flames”? Recently or many years ago? Were they teens and are now adults?

 

[KCT]

How long ago were these two “flames”? Recently or many years ago? Were they teens and are now adults?

 

[ProVobis]

I see people on fb with over 500 friends. There are polilticians and movements and schools and common friends and advertising besides . It’s pretty hard to communicate with one exclusively for a long period of time without a whole slew of people in on your conversations. You could just as easily communicate using normal emails if you’re serious about rekindling an old relationship, I would think.

 

[remjsmom76]

yeah but you could set your converstions to only one person viewing it or you send each other private messages. its not good…

I see people on fb with over 500 friends. There are polilticians and movements and schools and common friends and advertising besides . It’s pretty hard to communicate with one exclusively for a long period of time without a whole slew of people in on your conversations. You could just as easily communicate using normal emails if you’re serious about rekindling an old relationship, I would think.

 

[cmscms]

In no way shape or form are you making a mountain out of a mole hill. You are totally write to ask her in a non-threatening manner to de-friend him. And I totally agree, what would she want him back in her life.

Let’s say she was just dating him a couple of months, they both realized it wasn’t meant to be, remained friends and then met you while he was still in her life. That is different because you would have know about him before hand and had the opportunity to walk away. But you are married now and she is letting an old flame back for no reason. If he was worth keeping in touch with why did they EVER loose touch/

I do however agree with another poster that you can’t expect your wife to read your mind. As much as she owes you to de-friend him, you owe her to listen more and take what she says more serious and show her more honesty

CM

 

[PatriceA]

It probably depends upon if these “flames” were once in your wife’s life before FB. My husband was friends with a couple of his old flames even after we married, but because of life events, they just lost touch for a couple of years. My husband recently got an FB account and found those “flames” again. It doesn’t bother me because they were in semi contact even when we got married. To me its no different than me connecting with an old high school girl friend that I haven’t seen in years. But my husband has always remained friends with his exes, its not unusual to get christmas cards and such from them when we had current addresses for them.

 

[vsedriver]

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut here.

A week later, I see she accepted his friend request. And I feel…irritated. I realize I said I didn’t care, but I find that…apparently I do–and I think that she really should have just ignored the request. Should I say something? Do I have a right to be irritated since I said I didn’t care? Did she do anything wrong?

I realize this is super trivial compared to the serious issues raised on this forum, but I thought I would get some feedback from you.

–Rico

My husband reconnected with his old high school prom date on Facebook. I protested and he took offense at my ‘unreasonable jealousy’. That was in April. It’s now August and we are divorcing. Guess my jealousy wasn’t as unreasonable as he thought.

Linda in Ohio

 

[snowbee]

Exflames, high school chums of years past, some relatives do not make good Facebook friends. Best to avoid them in general unless they are already in your life on a current basis. Just my 2 cents.

I agree completely. There’s truly needless drama such as this. But really, if I was married, I wouldn’t want her doing that stuff either. My brother’s wife connected with random people on facebook, even asking if she could meet them. He said he didn’t care either, they are now divorced.

I realized after I hit 300 facebook “friends” that facebook wasn’t really necessary. Oh, I thought it was, right up until I deleted my account here (ssl.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_account), took a couple days but I realized that I wasn’t benefiting anyone by knowing intimate details of people’s lives I really had no interest in.
Sure people have asked if I’ve seen their pictures yet, but honestly, I don’t care; if they were truly important, they’ll come over with a sd card and show a slideshow.
Otherwise, I realized facebook just sucks time that can otherwise be spent, for example, here.

 

[aurora77]

I take a different approach to this. Since you told your wife you didn’t care if she friended her ex, I think you should let it go. If I were in her position, I would be troubled by my DH asking me to unfriend an ex after telling me he was fine with it. I would wonder why he doesn’t trust me. I have two of exes as friends; high school was 15 years ago, college 10. We’ve all moved on to new lives, but it’s fun to see where they are and what they’re up to.

I do wonder what effect social networking sites will have on relationships, but think that only troubled ones will be affected by them. I would never cheat on my husband and he would never cheat on me. Because of that I don’t worry in the least about who his FB friends are.

 

[ac_claire]

I think it’s reasonable for you to feel that way. It wouldn’t sit well with me either. My husband just said that if he were in your shoes he would “make sure it ended” lol.

 

[Emerite]

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut here.

…A week later, I see she accepted his friend request. And I feel…irritated. I realize I said I didn’t care, but I find that…apparently I do–and I think that she really should have just ignored the request. Should I say something? Do I have a right to be irritated since I said I didn’t care? Did she do anything wrong?

I realize this is super trivial compared to the serious issues raised on this forum, but I thought I would get some feedback from you.

–Rico

Speaking from experience, I’d say that your wife’s facebook actions could indicate that she feels a void and that she needs this attention from this other individual. If I were in your shoes, I’d pay more attention to her yourself, perhaps getting together with other couple friends, going out to dinner and/or dancing, complimenting her when she looks nice, talking about old times together, taking a class together, getting involved in church activities together, etc. It may require some effort, but the rewards are great. After years of marriage, we often take each other for granted, and another attentive man can be attractive to her.

 

[vsedriver]

I don’t think he really understands relationship boundaries, as evidenced by the fact that I called him during lunch on the day we were supposed to go to our first marriage prep class and he was at a restaurant with one of his exes. .

HUGH RED FLAG!

If this had happened to me I would have dumped him. I’m only saying this to warn others. A potential spouse who doesn’t respect relationship boundaries is a spouse with one foot out the door.

Hopefully your spouse is behaving and this won’t happen to you.

 

[Rico_S]

Thanks for all the different perspectives.

I did have a chat with my wife about how I felt. It is funny that our views on the issue reflect the basic two categories of views expressed in this thread. She likes to share and keep in touch with old friends and doesn’t see any harm since she is so anchored in our marriage–it is like the thought of something bad coming out of it is laughable. I think that there is a potential for a negative influence (in our case, really small) and I don’t see keeping touch with some guy outweighing even that small risk.

In the end, we see it differently, but I think we understand each other. She actually unfriended him without my asking and doesn’t seem irritated at me at all. I still feel kind of bad about the whole episode.

 

[Charlotte1776]

She actually unfriended him without my asking and doesn’t seem irritated at me at all. I still feel kind of bad about the whole episode.

My husband ended up unfriending one of his exes too, and I feel bad about it as well even though I think my discomfort with their friendship was normal and justifiable. I feel like a jealous jerk for even bringing it up even though it was affecting our relationship in more than a small way. I know it made no sense that it was eating me up inside and making me resent him to the level that it did, but it was! I guess it was the fact that he was facebook friends with his exes on top of everything else that’s happened that was the problem, rather than this in isolation. It’s all kind of lumped together in my mind.