Failing marriage

[Eliza10]

Here is something very beautiful to read on Families that has been approved to be published, having been investigated by the proper authority and found to be wholely consistently within the teachings of our Church.

This volume called “Heaven Speaks to Families” is messages from Heaven for our times, written to a wife and mother. I believe these words will insprire you in your family life. And in reading them you will learn what our Church teaches about families. Here is the link to that: directionforourtimes.com/docs/DFOT%20Vol%206.pdf I found it clickingon the volume on this page, in case that link doesn’t work: directionforourtimes.com/onlinevolumes.html

…http://www.directionforourtimes.com/images/6.jpg

All of the volumes and booklets can be bought or are free to read and/or print on this site: www.directionforourtimes.com (which is where the above links are from). They are all investigated to be completely faithful to the Magisteriam (teaching authority) of the Catholic Church. But best of all they are so readable you won’t want to put them down once you start reading them. I can attest to the promises that come with them: that the readers of them will be blessed by the many graces promised to accompany them.

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[Eliza10]

Dear MomafterIF, I have just read more of your posts and it does sound pretty bad, the abuse that you are living through. You really need to see a good priest and get some counsel from him about your situation.

Meanwhile it does not seem like any changes will be coming quickly, especially with you with young children to care for. Therefore remember that Jesus is your friend closer than a brother. Jesus will never ever let you down, like all people will at sometime - even people much less broken than your husband. Jesus is the husband to the husband to the husbandless. That means YOU, when your husband is not acting the way God wants a husband to act.

Jesus is close to those whose hearts are breaking. So rely on Him. You see, to be so alone in the world can turn into a great strength. Because it causes you to rely on Him alone. People in unfortunate circumstances do - and then later they say, “Thank you, God, I am so glad for those unfortunate circumstances in my life, because they made me rely on You, Who is all Love and Mercy, an Everpresent Help in trouble, and Who never lets me down!”

Take time in silence to be with Jesus and ask him to come into your life and for you to feel his comfort and love that is so real and that will sustain you in these hard times and more. He will come swiftly with His peace! When you lean on Jesus he will never let you down! He is your rock. Your best freind. He longs for you.

…http://www.tldm.org/tldmstore/SacredHeartPicture2.jpg

 

[Musician]

You sound like a lovely wife and mother! I am sure that God is granting you special graces for you being as patient as you are being. It is very hard to go through marital problems.
My husband was very much like your husband the first 10 years of our marriage; very macho, had a lot of emotional baggage, short temper, etc. Many the time we would have it out, loudly!
But I knew I loved him, and I knew that if for no other reason that he was my children’s father that I would stay with him, come hell or high water.
Well, over the course of 24 years both hell AND high water has come and gone, and I am so glad that I stuck it out through some very bad years. My husband has had me on some sort of pedestal since about our 15th anniversary…something happened that opened his eyes to how he really loved me. I think it was a God-realization thing. He doesn’t share his feelings easily so I am not exactly sure. But he did change the more he saw me show my love and respect for him, and the way I reassured him many times that I would NEVER leave him. And I really worked hard at not criticizing him, which can be an easy rut for married women to get into. I wanted to build my husband up, not tear him down.
So it is definitely worth working on, in my opinion, and you’re doing a great job!

 

[Serap]

You sound like a lovely wife and mother! I am sure that God is granting you special graces for you being as patient as you are being. It is very hard to go through marital problems.
My husband was very much like your husband the first 10 years of our marriage; very macho, had a lot of emotional baggage, short temper, etc. Many the time we would have it out, loudly!
But I knew I loved him, and I knew that if for no other reason that he was my children’s father that I would stay with him, come hell or high water.
Well, over the course of 24 years both hell AND high water has come and gone, and I am so glad that I stuck it out through some very bad years. My husband has had me on some sort of pedestal since about our 15th anniversary…something happened that opened his eyes to how he really loved me. I think it was a God-realization thing. He doesn’t share his feelings easily so I am not exactly sure. But he did change the more he saw me show my love and respect for him, and the way I reassured him many times that I would NEVER leave him. And I really worked hard at not criticizing him, which can be an easy rut for married women to get into. I wanted to build my husband up, not tear him down.
So it is definitely worth working on, in my opinion, and you’re doing a great job!

words from a very wise lady!

I think you will be ok. It sounds like you have both done a lot of changing and you guys will get through this.

It’s very difficult with young children. All marriages are put to the stress test when young children are in the picture.

you’re doing everything right. please let us know when you hear from the priest. try calling again if you get impatient. the squeaky wheel gets fixed first

 

[Huiou_Theou]

Kage_ar, thank you!

Huiou Theou, thank you. I will take a look around for an RSV-CE. Will I be able to read it though? I dont do well with the old english. The blue cover, does it only say Holy Bible on it? If so, I can get one of those.

Yes, it does. But on the binder it says RSV Catholic Edition or CE.
There is also an RSV which is not the Catholic Edition – but it does not have all the books – so look for CE or catholic edition.

The same bible also often comes in a brown (maybe mauve, plumb brown…dunno I only really know about 7 colors) but it has gold lettering saying “Ignatius” over the words “Holy Bible”.

The writing is not Elizabethan “ye divers English” kind of stuff, but mostly plain English like Luke 1:5 “In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the division of Abijah; and he had a wife of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord, blamless, But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years.”

There are occasionally sentences where the editor left a tiny piece of old English, I recall seeing “thee” once or twice, but they are rare – and aren’t in critical places.

I was wondering if they offered anything like that. I havent recieved an email back, I think I will try to get down there and talk with someone face to face.

That would be wise, or use the telephone – as that is more likely. e-mail often gets ignored around here too…

I actually have a cross that slides open, it was my great grandmas but its missing the prayer and Holy water thats supposed to in it. I assume they can help with that as well?

You may be describing something different than I am familiar with.
I would expect a cross that slides open to have two round bored holes on the arms of the cross, two candles blessed eg: beeswax candles, not the cheaper ones, there should be cotton, a small vial of oil (chrism), and a small vial of holy oil.
If your cross has two round bored holes that don’t go all the way through on the arms of the cross – what you have is an emergency kit for extreme unction, or last rites, in case the priest arrives in a hurry and does not have these items with him. It likely would have been used when your grandmother was ill and also at the time of death; It is the last gift that Christ (the chrismated) gave to the apostles and disciples for healing both in body, but more so in soul.

If you just want holy water to put in it, you can get any plain vial with a good lid which fits inside – then at your local Catholic church there ought to be either a water fountain which is obviously not made for drinking, or there ought to be a container on a pedestal of some kind which you can push a spigot valve to get the blessed water to flow fourth. Anyone may receive the blessed (holy) water.

If neither of these are obvious, ask the priest – and if does not have them, he can bless some water for you; the only thing he will need, if I remember right, is a little salt – the same as the prophet’s of old used in purifying water. So if you have that, you pretty much have the needs covered.

The water itself carries a blessing of the Holy Spirit, that is the breath of God who stirred the waters at creation, again at baptism, and even in the womb when the breath of life enters into a child for the first time. If you are not yet baptized, it will still carry a blessing – but won’t have the value of renewing your baptismal vows.
Though you may desire to sprinkle the holy water around your house as an invitation to the lord to come there – or the priest (if willing) can come bless the house for you – Without baptism which brings you fully into communion, these are merely blessings; and the baptism itself ought to be a public event presided by a priest, or deacon.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

…but the way he does it places it all on me as if it were my fault and he’ll treat me that way. In school, he was in a fair share of fights. … However, I cant say I was an angel back when I was a young teen either. In the begining, we both had drug proplems.

For what I am looking for, your faults will not help – I am looking for a few cues as to the thinking of your husband. No need to confess things to me – may the lord bless you with their releif when the time comes.

The one time he pushed me really hard … He was high that time.

OK. These are the details which will be accurate.

It hurt none the less, more emotionally and mentally then physically because before Tom, I dated a guy who beat me daily.

I am sorry you went through all that; I have no reference frame for something that severe.

Anyway, I actually do remember clearly Tom hitting me. He was falling asleep and I was talking to him, I got a little upset because he wasnt listening to me. He punched me in the leg and told me to leave him alone. It was never beating, and barely ever left even a bruise.
Besides that, after he stopped hitting me, he would grab things and break or through them when he was angry. Slam doors, punch holes in the walls, drive crazy, etc. He doesnt do that now.

OK, so he has a quick temper when agitated by something – especially when sleepy. But in the first part you are speaking about a single event, and in the second part you appear to be talking about many times that you were hit.
Which way was it at the time, though I understand it is not that way now?

His mom moved 16 hours away when he was 7 years old. His grandpa and aunt are both alcoholics and he watched his grandparents argue daily. (He was also raised by his grandparents for 7 up) I remember him calling her when he was 17, asking her to move in with her, she told him no and he cried for hours. I personally could never imagine doing that to my children. She moved for her husband. Im sure though all of that can cause a lot of rage inside.

Yes, these are the things I was looking for.
The first thing I am going to say is that your husband doesn’t really know what a father is – the alcoholic guardians treatment of your husband will have done a significant amount of damage. I am not a professional, and am speaking only as a friend based on things I have seen; so understand that I can’t give you advice which can be guaranteed.

As for counseling, Im not sure it would go well. He will barely speak of his feelings to me, someone he loves. I cant see him saying much of anything at all to a stranger.

In Retrouvaille, he would be talking to you about his feelings – not to someone else. Again, don’t push that way yet – but do find a local chapter of Retrovaille.

I havent been pushing my husband lately. I was yes, but I have given up …
But, I can tell you one thing. I love him. When I was 14, a friend of mine called him and introduced us. We talked on the phone for 7 hours before going to meet. He had a curfew then for betting up that boy with the chain I believe it was. In those 7 hours, I knew I loved him and knew he was who I was meant to be with, that we were made to love each other.

Im not at all saying he is at fault for all of this. I know Im far from being perfect. But if we cant talk about things, we cant work on things. How can we keep going with no communication in a marriage?

Again, no need to confess details to me. I’ll ask what I need to know for what limited help I can offer.

Tell me, how do you think he would react if after coming home you ran your finger gently along his arm, perhaps from the elbow to the hand?
That isn’t verbal communication – but it is communication.
Let’s start there – for there may be some small suggestions I can make.