Failing marriage

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Anne1960

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Well not sure if any prayers would help at this point. I have been married to my husband for 34 years. Those years were not always happy ones for either one of us. I married young and have struggled with that for a long time, that maybe I got married for all the wrong reasons and I won’t elaborate on them. Here I am 34 years later with anger, bitterness and regret that I married the wrong man. It is not that he as a person is a bad man. He is kind, generous and I know that he loves me. He has had an attraction to porn and immoral things all our marriage and I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel and how it hurts me as a wife that he does these things and he will apologize and all is well for awhile but then I come across a video on the computer or pictures of women on his phone when I had to use it to call someone and didn’t have my phone. I feel so betrayed and when I confronted him about these things in the past he did apologize but recently he told me he didn’t feel there was anything wrong about it and never has. I just can’t be intimate with him knowing he is doing these things behind my back AND with no regret to what it could be doing to our marriage. I have asked him to go to counseling but he won’t. I have prayed but I have yet to receive an answer to my sorrow. Any help or suggestions.
 
Praying for you to find a way to solve this and for your marriage to be fully restored. I would urge you to read about the life of St. Monica.
 
It appears that your spouse has an addiction and he doesn’t understand how damaging it is to himself, nor to you. I have heard & read that porn addiction is very common in society these days and also it is hurtful to Jesus as he sees us degrading ourselves and others by producing and consuming this degrading material.

Maybe some other participants who have overcome this or other addictions can share about this. Since it appears to be an addiction your husband can’t just “will” it away or stop suddenly, but on the other hand as far as I know about addictions the person needs a desire to stop. Sometimes there needs to be a “shake up” or hitting bottom etc.

You have been so hurt and disappointed that you feel even God can’t help (Prayer).
God is there with you in your hurt and disappointment whether you realize it or not.

I might regret to say the below, but here it goes… First if my spouse was doing this I would pray and then if God gives the go ahead I would…

kick him/her out of the house addiction and all. In the kicking out I’d give him a print-out about porn addiction and give him the phone number of a counselor specializing in addictions and the name/contact of a holy priest that I had already talked to about this problem of long suffering. I would also give him a long letter of how his behavior has hurt me and my desire to have a happy and holy family inspite of marrying at a young age and our struggles. Also if his addiction hurt others, (time with children etc)I would certainly point it out. Finally, I would say that I would welcome him back into the house after he has gotten the desire for help, help, and has stopped his hurtful addictions. And I’d thank him for his love and other good qualities. I’d disclose his addiction to all family members that I think would be supportive and ask everyone to pray, pray, pray and I’d do the same.

My purpose to do the above would be to give a shake up to my spouse. If he choses his addictions over me I would have to accept it and I would continue to pray for him forever!

Prayer
Dear Lord, come to the aid of our friend. She has been so hurt by her husband’s interest in porn and other unholy activities over the years. He promised to stop many times, but either can’t or doesn’t want to. Give her strength and give her some sign that she can feel your comfort right there in the midst of her suffering. Help her spouse to understand the hurt he has caused and also the evil that he is participating in that he views as harmless. Lord, quickly intervene within this situation. Please give her husband the desire to stop and the help he needs. We pray in Jesus name. Amen.
 
Anne1960 said:
Well not sure if any prayers would help at this point. I have been married to my husband for 34 years. Those years were not always happy ones for either one of us. I married young and have struggled with that for a long time, that maybe I got married for all the wrong reasons and I won’t elaborate on them. Here I am 34 years later with anger, bitterness and regret that I married the wrong man. It is not that he as a person is a bad man. He is kind, generous and I know that he loves me. He has had an attraction to porn and immoral things all our marriage and I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel and how it hurts me as a wife that he does these things and he will apologize and all is well for awhile but then I come across a video on the computer or pictures of women on his phone when I had to use it to call someone and didn’t have my phone. I feel so betrayed and when I confronted him about these things in the past he did apologize but recently he told me he didn’t feel there was anything wrong about it and never has. I just can’t be intimate with him knowing he is doing these things behind my back AND with no regret to what it could be doing to our marriage. I have asked him to go to counseling but he won’t. I have prayed but I have yet to receive an answer to my sorrow. Any help or suggestions.
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That is very concerning that he does not see anything wrong with pornography. I am guessing he frequently lies about how much he uses porn. Maybe he even blames you for the lack of intimacy in your marriage.

Have you thought of going to counseling yourself? Not that you have done anything wrong, but you have been and are being hurt by your husband’s porn use. Think of it like going to the doctor after an auto accident that wasn’t your fault. Carrying anger and bitterness is hurting you, and you will need help to heal from that. Prayer is essential, but I don’t think prayer alone will heal your wounds - you need professional help.

One thing to know is that you are not alone. Many women have or had husbands who are sex addicts. There is a group like Al-Anon for alcoholics for the spouses of sex addicts called CO-SAA cosa-recovery.org/. Unfortunately, they are a small organization and it may be difficult to find meetings in your area. But they are worth checking out and it is free. Nothing you say to these folks will surprise them. Even if they are not in your area, I would suggest making a call to someone in the organization. They may have some ideas of where you can get help.

Finally, you may need to separate just to give yourself some space to heal from all of the damage his porn use has caused. Sometimes a wife separating is the catalyst for the husband to seek help; not that that would be the reason to separate. The separation would be to put you in an environment where you can heal. But please seek professional counsel before you make such a decision. I am so sorry you are going through this.
 
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