There is a dignity that comes to the able-bodied (or otherwise able) when they have constructive work to do, this is true. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure because you haven’t been able to find a job.
You have several problems going on. The first is that you seem to be literally “dis-couraged.” You are like a pump that is not primed. That can change, but very few people manage it alone. Get some outside help with that.
The second is that you don’t have something constructive to do or you don’t feel as if it matters if you do what’s there to do. That’s not true. There are millions of stay-at-home moms that can tell you that not having a salaried job and not having any work to do are two separate things! Parishes could not survive without the work of the people who don’t get paid. Again, though: if you’re discouraged, you might tell yourself that you have to be super productive the first day. No. Start by adding so good habitual contributions to your household, one every week. If you don’t understand what I mean, go to the website
FlyLady.net. It is geared towards home care, but you can adapt the ideas for whatever work your household would benefit from. You’ll learn to get up out of bed and dress every day as if you have a job to do, you’ll learn to get stuff done around the house that needs doing, and so on.
The other problem, though, is between yourself and your wife. What that has to do with the discouragements you’re going through in the rest of your life is hard to say. It could be a cause, it could be a result, it could be both, it could even be neither. Take that to a counselor, too. I would say, though, that dressing and grooming yourself every day and at all times according to what you think she finds attractive will not hurt. If she doesn’t like it, well, at least you will feel as if you’re doing your part. If you’re not already doing it, get some regular exercise. It will help your outlook, it will help your energy level, and it will probably make you more attractive to her, in the bargain. Mostly, though, it will get some good chemicals going in your brain, and your body needs that. Put that very high on your list: go to bed and get up at regular and reasonable times for a working person–you ought to be up in time to make your wife breakfast, plus her lunch if she’ll take one, and to get her off to work–keep yourself well-groomed all of the time (with shoes on, appropriate for the work you’ll be doing that day, but no gym clothes except for exercising), and exercise every day, no excuses. I think those three things will help more than you know. The FlyLady will help you get that going. If you don’t know how to cook, I bet your wife will help you to learn how.
I’m not saying that you have to get loads of counseling. I have been depressed and found that relatively little feedback can be a big help, because when you’re depressed you see things from a distorted viewpoint. Even a little bit of feedback that lets you know that you are being too hard on yourself or too pessimistic, with suggestions for how to actually address that, can be a huge help. Honestly, I’ve had one talk with someone who knew what they were doing to be a big help. I wouldn’t stop with that, were I you, but I am saying that I’ve stopped with just that much and found it was still a night and day improvement from trying to face up to my pessimistic outlook on my own.
