I experience this at times. I just say, “My God, I trust in you,” or “Jesus, I trust in you.” I tell myself it’s not right, it’s not me, it’s a temptation, and it will pass.
I had a dream recently that encouraged me after a bout of these temptations. I had been suffering doubts about the Gospel, and especially the Resurrection, of Christ. I said, “Jesus, I trust in you,” holding faith by will instead of feelings, and I went to bed.
I dreamed of a time of darkness and suffering, and then that passed and I was able to see the most glorious sky. It was glowing with fabulous light and I could see into depths that looked infinite, like a portrait of eternity. It was a stunningly beautiful sky, mesmerizingly glorious, reflecting the beauty of God’s infinite attributes.
I found that I was clinging to a rock in the air, and in front of me I saw a larger rock on which many homes were solidly built on the side of the rock, defying the laws of gravity, yet nonetheless secure on the rock.
I felt the rock I was on start to turn over. I put my hands on it firmly and trusted even though gravity said I was going to fall over into the sky. The rock turned over and then righted itself, and I didn’t fall over even though I was upside down for a time, because I was on the rock.
After the dream ended, the dream shifted into another scene of darkness and suffering.
But I came out of the dream happy, because what was shown me was that the foundation I am trusting in is firm even when it appears contrary to the laws of nature. For it relies on supernatural laws, not the laws of nature, and even if I’m turned upside down (which represents my opposing the laws of nature out of trust for the laws of God), provided I hold to that rock, I will be secure. The laws of nature might say, “There can be no Resurrection,” or “there can be no Divine Man,” but these truths aren’t of the laws of nature and even if the laws of nature oppose the supernatural laws of the Rock, the Rock nonetheless is solid, and all those who build their homes on the Rock cannot be shaken no matter how they are tugged down.
This is about trust. We don’t trust our feelings or our doubts. We don’t trust ourselves or our own perceptions. We rely on faith. It’s in moments of doubt that we have the opportunity to show the most faith (precisely because we don’t feel it), because these are the times when our minds and feelings are working against us, and we believe in spite of these pressures that fight against our salvation. We don’t feel belief, but we trust through the will, choosing God and Catholicism through will, for we can make that decision.
A person who jumps off a jet may not feel faith in his parachute, but he can jump off anyway by force of will, trusting the parachute whether he believes in it with his feelings or not.
A person who’s afraid of airplanes might feel tremendous fear at entering one, but he can trust in the technology, the record of success, etc., even though his feelings of faith are negligible. He doesn’t feel faith- he feels terror, but he goes ahead anyway out of trust, and that is what true faith means. Faith is not a feeling but a choice.
We also have the opportunity to give God the most glory when these doubts come, because that is when our choice of trust means the most.
