Faith progressing at different rates and picking and choosing

[PaulfromIowa]

Well hello
He was both Baptized, Confirmed and received First Communion at the Easter Vigil.
I know it will take time but he will always remind me of how I was willing to do all those things with the other men Yes, I did and I used to do them with him too but I am changed. As soon as I tell him I don’t feel comfortable doing something he throws my adultery back in my face(which I probably deserve). I know that takes a lot to forgive and forget but I feel if he would get closer to God he would feel better but it isn’t something I can do for him.

Welcome to the Church!

You probably should have had some counseling regarding these issues before converting. When he joined the Church, he should have been ready to renounce and resist sin. He should have been ready to live in a Christian marriage.

This could invalidate your marriage if he is still advocating adultery, e.g. “threesomes.” If he is wicked enough to remind you of past sins to persuade you to sin again, you need to be ready to walk away.

I would talk to your pastor about this ASAP. Don’t neglect facing this out of embarrassment. We have all sinned in the past.

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

Well he doesn’t care for it but that is how I have always gotten in the mood, so he wants me to watch it so that I do want to be intimate. That is partially my fault, but it can’t be in our house nonetheless.

Oh, now I see. Well, it is good that he is not into porn. You will have to leave it behind as well. Talk about a lifelong penance…those visuals are not easily forgotten…but you can do it. Your husband needs a lot of patience, and understanding. Which might be difficult given that he is still hurting from the adultery.

Can you do couples counseling? You can contact Catholic Charities in your area and see if they have a counselor available. It is on a graduated income scale so if you have a need and cannot pay, it will be low-cost or free. I would recommend this because you can deal with some of the issues from your past as a couple.

 

[Southern]

Well he doesn’t care for it but that is how I have always gotten in the mood, so he wants me to watch it so that I do want to be intimate. That is partially my fault, but it can’t be in our house nonetheless.

I have some very dear friends of mine that did this maybe it might help. Just advice, it worked for them. My friend was deep into Porn and he made a deal with his wife that everytime they had sex he had to get rid of a handfull of Porn. By the time it was all said and done he had none left and he realized how much he loved his wife. Just make sure it doesn’t backfire and make him treat you like a piece of meat. Use the Unity of Sex and not the way the world sees sex and use it as a learning experience for him and maybe you may enjoy it too! The Porn does have to go! This may not work for everyone but it is just advice.

 

[CleverUserName]

I believe you will, by example, inspire your husband. He may have a little bit of selfish resentment that you are “more converted” than he is at this time. He wants to drag you back a little because that is easier than catching up to you. Show him some patience. Show him some faith, be his cheerleader by telling him things like “I know that you are strong enough to put this habit behind you”, etc.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Mary,

First off – congratulations and welcome to the family. And I for one admire your strength and honesty in explaining your situation / past experiences. We are all sinners and most of us are ashamed of them, but few have the courage to post them as you have.

The “crazy things” that he wants to do is just unacceptable – flat out. You are becoming closer to God, try to bring your husband there with you; do not let him lead you away. Let him know – again if need be – that you are sorry for past mistakes; hence you confessed to him not him discovering things on his own. And that you will not make those mistakes again.

Also that you both need to be examples to your daughters, showing them that God loves and forgives those that repent. That we must all try to live as God wants us to, our time here is very short – an Eternity in Heaven is our goal.

I will pray that God helps you remain strong and continue to move closer to Him. And help you move your daughters and husband to Him with you.

Robert

 

[MaryRita85]

Do you look at EWTN? Once Mother Angelica said and I will never forget it for as long as I live.
“It is an insult to God to think that our sins are greater than His mercy.”

What is EWTN?
That is so true and I have never thought of it that way, I always looked at it as if I do wrong I should feel guilty and always carry that with me. I think because o that is the Protestant view I grew up with. I love that though.

 

[MaryRita85]

I have to reinforce the idea others brought up of some kind of counseling session or marriage encounter/Retrouvaille experience. Right now he might just be seeing your conversion and your being “free” and him not experiencing any of it. He might be stuck in the proverbial mud and see no real upside here except that you’ll stop the adultery. You know what I mean?

If you move away from “we can’t do X, Y, Z” to “we should be doing A, B, C to strengthen our marriage, our family and our relationships with God” that might at least get you going in the right direction.

All I can say is that I know a lot of people who are sex addicts thanks to my own addiction. Many of them do not share our Catholic religion. Many of them are married. Almost to a man (and woman) they agree that they have to get rid of all the junk to have any kind of real relationship. Even many of them who are part of belief systems which do not condemn pornography or masturbation are the first to admit that porn is insidious and corrupting.

Basically my point is that many even Christian folks are only a little uncomfortable with pornography, but sex addicts will agree that it needs to be out in a marriage. Take the advice from those who have been there; if even something as “harmless” as pornography is bad news for a marriage, how much worse are the kinds of things he’s asking for? It’s only going to lead to a darker spiral.

Exactly, I do not want to open a can of worms of temptation by something he sees as harmless, it will take me farther away from my faith.

 

[MaryRita85]

Welcome to the Church!

You probably should have had some counseling regarding these issues before converting. When he joined the Church, he should have been ready to renounce and resist sin. He should have been ready to live in a Christian marriage.

This could invalidate your marriage if he is still advocating adultery, e.g. “threesomes.” If he is wicked enough to remind you of past sins to persuade you to sin again, you need to be ready to walk away.

I would talk to your pastor about this ASAP. Don’t neglect facing this out of embarrassment. We have all sinned in the past.

I had a discussion with him last night. It went well, he admits he HAS to completely forgive me and we need God in our life as we have struggled a lot. He sees this and understands how something, like I said harmless, could be very detrimental as I struggle with all sorts of sexual troubles.

 

[MaryRita85]

I had a discussion with him last night. It went well, he admits he HAS to completely forgive me and we need God in our life as we have struggled a lot. He sees this and understands how something, he believes is harmless, could be very detrimental as I struggle with all sorts of sexual troubles.

 

[MaryRita85]

Oh, now I see. Well, it is good that he is not into porn. You will have to leave it behind as well. Talk about a lifelong penance…those visuals are not easily forgotten…but you can do it. Your husband needs a lot of patience, and understanding. Which might be difficult given that he is still hurting from the adultery.

Can you do couples counseling? You can contact Catholic Charities in your area and see if they have a counselor available. It is on a graduated income scale so if you have a need and cannot pay, it will be low-cost or free. I would recommend this because you can deal with some of the issues from your past as a couple.

I would like to do counseling but I want it to be with Catholic guidance and many counselors are not faith based.

 

[MaryRita85]

I have some very dear friends of mine that did this maybe it might help. Just advice, it worked for them. My friend was deep into Porn and he made a deal with his wife that everytime they had sex he had to get rid of a handfull of Porn. By the time it was all said and done he had none left and he realized how much he loved his wife. Just make sure it doesn’t backfire and make him treat you like a piece of meat. Use the Unity of Sex and not the way the world sees sex and use it as a learning experience for him and maybe you may enjoy it too! The Porn does have to go! This may not work for everyone but it is just advice.

I would love to have. I have been so much into all the acts of impurity that having normal relations with him has been dulled, which is not good and I need to resist and get rid of all the inappropriate acts and focus on love.

 

[MaryRita85]

I believe you will, by example, inspire your husband. He may have a little bit of selfish resentment that you are “more converted” than he is at this time. He wants to drag you back a little because that is easier than catching up to you. Show him some patience. Show him some faith, be his cheerleader by telling him things like “I know that you are strong enough to put this habit behind you”, etc.

Oh I believe this is true, something just hit me and I knew that I had to put 100% into changing. He wasn’t doing it for the right reasons but if he sees me and how I change, it will inspire him.

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

What is EWTN?
That is so true and I have never thought of it that way, I always looked at it as if I do wrong I should feel guilty and always carry that with me. I think because o that is the Protestant view I grew up with. I love that though.

EWTN is the Eternal Word Television Network that Mother Angelica started. It’s on cable and satellite - on DirecTV here, it is channel 370. Lots of really good Catholic programming.

 

[MaryRita85]

Mary,

First off – congratulations and welcome to the family. And I for one admire your strength and honesty in explaining your situation / past experiences. We are all sinners and most of us are ashamed of them, but few have the courage to post them as you have.

The “crazy things” that he wants to do is just unacceptable – flat out. You are becoming closer to God, try to bring your husband there with you; do not let him lead you away. Let him know – again if need be – that you are sorry for past mistakes; hence you confessed to him not him discovering things on his own. And that you will not make those mistakes again.

Also that you both need to be examples to your daughters, showing them that God loves and forgives those that repent. That we must all try to live as God wants us to, our time here is very short – an Eternity in Heaven is our goal.

I will pray that God helps you remain strong and continue to move closer to Him. And help you move your daughters and husband to Him with you.

Robert

Thank you so much for the kind words. I do want to be a good example for my daughters, my husband and really everyone I come in contact with. I used to be embarrassed and I am certainly not proud but it is part of my past, God has forgiven me so I don’t need to worry about what others think. All that matters is that I stay close to God and if I have to share my sins to get help from others than it is worth it. I know I am not alone and what I was so giving the information could be more helpful than being vague. I have repented, I am doing good so if I can inspire others, that is what I intend to do because if someone like me can get back on track anyone can if they truly want to.

 

[MaryRita85]

EWTN is the Eternal Word Television Network that Mother Angelica started. It’s on cable and satellite - on DirecTV here, it is channel 370. Lots of really good Catholic programming.

Thank you, I have Uverse so I will have to look up what channel that is!

 

[The_Bucket]

I had a discussion with him last night. It went well, he admits he HAS to completely forgive me and we need God in our life as we have struggled a lot. He sees this and understands how something, like I said harmless, could be very detrimental as I struggle with all sorts of sexual troubles.

That’s a good attitude, especially that last part. If he can’t wrap his mind around the Church’s teaching on it yet, then leave it at the fact that it was part of your sexual past; a past that both of you agree was no good. Same goes for the other stuff. Note that you simply cannot bring in that garbage while trying to keep the other stuff out. That’s just the flat-out truth and deep down I think he knows that.

As a general rule I have a very tough time believing that people can engage in things like threesomes without totally ruining their relationships. Aside from the sheer immorality of it, there’s just a lot of weirdness and it brings in a level of distrust/self-doubt even for purely secular folks.

If you’ve got to be the “bad guy” here, so be it. If he can’t drop it because it’s what the Church teaches, he should drop it so that he doesn’t push you back into sexually addictive behaviors that led to things like adultery. That I think he can understand; you can’t tell an alcoholic to just have a few drinks until he’s buzzed or tell a drug addict to take just one hit and that’s all.

That’s not to say that you’ll be perfect or he’ll be perfect when it comes to living out the Church’s teaching on sexuality. Few do. I certainly have crossed the line even in my recovery and even in my sobriety! Christ said if we look lustfully at someone then we commit adultery in our hearts. I daresay most men and many women, even those madly in love with their spouses, have done this at least once. That’s not “OK” but it is part of our human weakness.

What matters most is whether we’re going to wallow in our sin or if we are going to dust ourselves off, ask God for forgiveness in the confessional and then move on to attempt to follow Christ’s command to “go and sin no more.”

 

[Southern]

I would love to have. I have been so much into all the acts of impurity that having normal relations with him has been dulled, which is not good and I need to resist and get rid of all the inappropriate acts and focus on love.

Seek and ye shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened, ask and ye shall recieve! Our Father is a very simple Father and is also the creator of Sex. Ask that is all he wants. If we come to him then oh how happy Our Father rejoices! He is so simple a God that our minds cannot comprehend. Pray is talking and talking is praying. Ask for his Pure heart and you shall receive. He is ready to give it to you. Yes, the images will burn for a long time to come but the more you receive his Pure Heart the more his Blood will wash you clean.

 

[Southern]

I would like to do counseling but I want it to be with Catholic guidance and many counselors are not faith based.

Most Dioscese have a counselors in their office, ask your parish Priest. He may know.

 

[newbetx]

Hello all!
My husband and I were just Confirmed Saturday night!
Some background information…During this journey through RCIA, I have developed a lot with my faith. For a long time, I was an Atheist and not a good person, quite horrible. I had struggled a lot with Adultry and impure acts in general, this I can admit. I am now a completely changed person, I got to Mass a few times per week, my language has changed, my actions…I am the best I have ever been and I have no intention of straying. I love who I am becoming and don’t know how I ever let God out of my life in the first place.
On to my question and I will try to explain the best I can, my husband (perhaps because everything I have put him through) is not progressing so well as far as making actual change. The issue we are having is sexual in nature. What got us into RCIA is he wanted me to change, obviously, but it appears he wanted me to change the cheating but not all the other impure acts that went along. He wants me to do all these crazy things with him (threesomes,Pornography…etc), and most are not acceptable and I know this, whether it be with him or with someone else(obviously again). He is picking and choosing on what he wants me to change and this causing issues. I am following Catholicism and the teachings as best I know how and he wants me to not cheat but still do all these other unacceptable behaviors. I am not sure how to deal with this. Any advice would be helpful and if further clarification is needed I can provide that too.lol

ETA that was very embarrassing to write, but I must remember I have been granted absolution through confession.

Much good advice here. Welcome home. I’m a convert from 1988… however, like your husband RCIA isn’t the end-all when it comes to understanding the faith one has chosen. I too didn’t buy in to everything. And I too understand when a spouse wants a person to change but they themselves do not wish to change.

Please understand that a faith journey is just that. A movement from point A to B and the paths and the rates of movement are always different. I think you understand it, but lack the patience. I spent probably 18 years not going anywhere in my faith. It’s hard to say what might be the trigger that helps him understand that if you are not moving forward in your faith journey, you are moving backwards. (Thank you Kimberly Hahn!)

For me, the thing that turned me around was a book by Christopher West called the Good News About Sex and Marriage. Simple, straight forward.(BTW, I found out about it here on CAF! Thank you CAF!) I suggest you and your husband read it together. Read it TO him if he doesn’t want to pick it up such that he now knows you are serious. The way I saw the book and the changes they enabled me to understand is this: How do YOU want to be loved? How does HE want to be loved? How do you EACH DESERVE to be loved?

The concepts are beautiful. He’s “all-in” for you, you are “all-in” for him. No bet hedging. But it’s difficult to live up to sometimes. But the best quote from the book that I remember is “The Church is patient.” I know we humans are not so much. Take the book a chapter at a week and openly discuss it. Take his concerns or criticisms at face value. Don’t debate. Let the concepts of TOB simmer. Good soup can’t be made in the microwave.

And of course, pray, pray, pray to St. Joseph!