Fallen Away Catholic Relatives

[MarksWife]

My H’s two uncles, brother, sister and grandmother are all fallen away Catholics.

One of the uncles left the Church as a young man and became a fundamentalist Protestant, married in that denomination, a Protestant woman. They were married about 5 years and had two children.

This uncle married again 2 years later. Also Protestant. They each brought children to the marriage, and did not have any together.

They were married from 1992 to 2007, when uncle left her and got his own apartment.

My H is a very nice man and he is loyal to both friend’s and family. He especially has always looked up to this uncle and he continues a friendly relationship.

I’ve recently learned that uncle is dating another woman. She is very much younger than he…and now I’m wondering what we’re supposed to do about a possible 3rd marriage?

We weren’t invited to the first two, because uncle was living very far away and had joined the Protestant denomination. That was 23 years ago and likely back then he assumed his Catholic sister and BIL wouldn’t attend.

Isn’t there some prohibition in the Catholic Church teaching to attending (and ie., “celebrating”) a marriage by a baptised Catholic who has married outside of it twice, and possibly will a third time?

Obviously, we’re praying for his “re-version” to the Catholic faith, and the dealing with the two previously invalid marriages. And that would really be a miracle.

Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?

God Bless,
Lisa

 

[jmcrae]

My nephew is getting himself into a similar situation. My plan is to just not go to the wedding, without explaining myself.

 

[masuwerte]

If I’m not mistaken, his joining a Protestant denomination means he has left the Catholic Church by a formal act. So if you want to attend a wedding between two Protestants, held according to their rules, canon law does not forbid doing so.

 

[MarksWife]

I’d really like to find out from Catholic teaching about this. I thought I’d read elsewhere that once a baptised Catholic, you are a Catholic. You can’t just change your mind and become another religion and be in good standing.

If you were a baptised Protestant and married another baptised Protestant, then that marriage is considered valid by the Church. Not sacramental, but valid.

In addition to that is the fact of two marriages outside the church and then two divorces. Doesn’t that have any affect on the “witnessing” (ie., approving of, celebrating of) a subsequent remarriage?

• JMJ +

 

[jmcrae]

If I’m not mistaken, his joining a Protestant denomination means he has left the Catholic Church by a formal act. So if you want to attend a wedding between two Protestants, held according to their rules, canon law does not forbid doing so.

No, he is still Catholic until such time as he makes a formal defection in writing to his Bishop.

 

[jmcrae]

I’d really like to find out from Catholic teaching about this. I thought I’d read elsewhere that once a baptised Catholic, you are a Catholic. You can’t just change your mind and become another religion and be in good standing.

If you were a baptised Protestant and married another baptised Protestant, then that marriage is considered valid by the Church. Not sacramental, but valid.

Actually, it’s just not Catholic, but it is, actually, both Sacramental and valid, if both parties are baptized, and neither of them had ever been married before. If they convert to the Catholic faith, they don’t have to get remarried.

In addition to that is the fact of two marriages outside the church and then two divorces. Doesn’t that have any affect on the “witnessing” (ie., approving of, celebrating of) a subsequent remarriage?

One should never attend a second wedding, unless one is certain that a Declaration of Nullity was received for the first marriage.

 

[grandfather]

This uncle married again 2 years later. Also Protestant. They each brought children to the marriage, and did not have any together.

They were married from 1992 to 2007, when uncle left her and got his own apartment.

I’ve recently learned that uncle is dating another woman. She is very much younger than he…and now I’m wondering what we’re supposed to do about a possible 3rd marriage?

God Bless,
Lisa

Whew! What a mess. Maybe you are worrying about something that will not happen. Uncle sounds like he is pretty unstable and spiritually troubled.

When we get into messy situations with family, such as what to do with crazy marriages, it is helpful to look at things by priority.

What is your primary concern for uncle, his kids, your family, all concerned? God’s primary concern for each of us is our personal holiness and salvation. That then should be our top concern for one another. If that is God’s primary concern for each of us, our careers, health, marriages, vacation plans, come second or third. They are important, but not number one. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these (other) things will be added unto you”.

Maybe if an invitation comes you can tell uncle that you love him and care about his spiritual well being. There are signs in his life that things are not healthy in that regard. If he had the Protestant personal relationship with Christ, as they all claim to have, important things like marriages would have gone better. The failed marriages signify things are not so good spiritually. He will probably say you have no right to judge him, but the fact remains that the two failed marriages and broken families are glaring signs that all is not well.

Marriage is sacred and making solemn vows before God and breaking them shows that something is seriously disordered somewhere and you are worried about him spiritually and praying for his well being. He can not object to that.

Additionally all these weddings are the cause of scandal, especially for children in a family to see marriage vows made for life before God violated. It tells the kids that changing partners when you are unhappy is acceptable.

Promise to keep him in your prayers and politely decline the invitation.

If you go to an event like this that is supposed to be a joyful blessed occasion you are making believe its all ok, endorsing it. You would be doing that to keep peace in the family, but the state of a soul is more important.

If the uncle was an alcoholic and in rehab a couple of times and bought a liquor store with a bar attached would you go to the grand opening?

 

[MarksWife]

Thank you all for your replies.

“Grandfather”

I agree with you entirely. This is not my uncle nor did I think it was going to be okay to go along with another marriage considering the situation as you and other’s have pointed out.

Where this was a concern for me was in relation to the influence on our children and the fact that my H is heavily conflicted due to his affection for his uncle. H has made decisions in the past based on human affection rather than the morality of the circumstance and I was worried that this was going to happen again, and wanted to arm myself with some good information.

Thank you.

• JMJ +

 

[grandfather]

Thank you all for your replies.

“Grandfather”
Where this was a concern for me was in relation to the influence on our children and the fact that my H is heavily conflicted due to his affection for his uncle. H has made decisions in the past based on human affection rather than the morality of the circumstance and I was worried that this was going to happen again, and wanted to arm myself with some good information.

We all get conflicted. We face difficult situations and it takes courage and prudence to do what is right.

 

[MarksWife]

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions.

It turns out this whole thing is EVEN WORSE than I first knew.

The younger woman that uncle is “seeing” is married with children and works at the same place he does.

He tells my H he knows it’s not right, and doesn’t say it’s okay for others to do, but basically, it is what it is and he’s frankly, unrepentant.

He’s also stated that he’s never marrying again, which just emphasizes the fact that he’s totally about using this woman and whomever else crosses his path, and he has no intention of making anything right. Or even trying!

Re: his Protestant “faith” - he hasn’t been an active church goer of any denomination for years and years.

What is just amazing about sin and this sin especially is the sheer selfishness of it all! How dare he care so little not just about his very own soul, but the soul of this woman, her children, her HUSBAND, the people he’s scandalized in his office (where they “all know about it”) , to his family members, his own children, his two ex wives, his “former”? step children…His neices and nephews, his brother and sister, his mother…

Dear Lord! We haven’t told our own children yet. We’ve been honest about other family member’s situations, ie., drugs, out of wedlock child, multiple divorces and remarriages, etc. But this just happened with the uncle and I’m just flabbergasted and perplexed and frankly, just sick at heart.

The kids had only recently been aquainted with uncle, as he’d been significantly out of H’s life for years and years…then they got back into contact a couple of years ago…spent some time together…Then, last year, he started coming to our house occasionally, then last summer, he left his wife and got an apartment…and now this.

Help!

• JMJ +

 

[grandfather]

What is just amazing about sin and this sin especially is the sheer selfishness of it all! … But this just happened with the uncle and I’m just flabbergasted and perplexed and frankly, just sick at heart.

Help!

• JMJ +

Sin has a way of making people soft in the head. In a way every sinner can plead insanity. Yoiu have to be crazy to do some of the things people do. Today’s news is about John Edwards getting in trouble with a woman while he was in the middle of a presidential campaign, denying it, getting caught red handed, trying to hide in a men’s room then fessing up. A wile ago it was the governor of NY who has three teenage daughters spending gazillions on hookers half his age. You really have to be crazy to do this stuff. Sinners always think they will get away with it here and here after. They are deceived by the devil and this uncle is no different.

You can pray for him and get others to help. Sometimes when people are way off track God intervenes in their lives and saves them through a crisis. You can tell him you are concerned about his soul and let him know you care about him, but that you believe he is in grave danger.

All families have this kind of thing somewhere. We all have to deal with it. Al lwe can do is pray.