Falling fast

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headhunter199

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Hi - I am a mid 30 male who just had my 4th child. (number 3 was 11 months ago). I have been through a tough spiritual time this past year… After child number 2 my wife and I tried NFP. Yes, two years later we had 2 more kids. I was angry with God after we found out we were pregnant again with number 4. That anger has caused a lot of problems in my life. I made the selfish decision to have a vacectomy because we don’t want more kids. We have at least 10 years of child bearning years ahead of us and we proved we don’t have the control to make NFP work.

Through my on-going debate with myself about getting the procedure done, I seem to have lost everything. My prayer life is gone, I don’t get anything out of the mass or communiion. Confessions didn’t work. I seem to think it is all a waist. Why can’t I feel God’s love. Why won’t Jesus help keep me with him. I know I have to fight but when I do, I feel empty.

I don’t want to feel this way but we seem to like life without the constraints of the Church.

I’m not sure what to do… I never understood how people said they stopped going to church and it doesn’t bother them… I can see that now…

I know I’ll get the normal suggestions… go to confessions, the sacraments, read the lives of the saints… etc… But that doesn’t work. Whenever I read the Gosples or lives of the Saints, I just think that it could all be made up, someone’s story. I have never “felt” God’s presence in my life. Blind faith. I know that’s a good thing but I don’t think it is enough any more.
 
The anger etc, would indicate to me that you feel tired and overwhelmed, and you made a choice that impacts on your view of yourself as a Catholic man, that too has impact.
You don’t need to be told various things because you already know, but you do need to take care of yourself as husband and father, because stress, whatever it arises from, does tend to result in making us feel drained and without much of the feeling we believe we should have, and even none of the devotion we would like to feel. The same can happen, not only in our spiritual lives, but also in our relationships. It is then that we must simply go on, to arrive later at a deeper level.

Many spiritual writers, including saints, go through dry periods when they feel nothing where God is concerned, and it is a call to growing past the easy times when we feel good, feel devout etc. It is when you feel nothing that you have to find ways to grow, even if in just being faithful to God and the Church though you feel nothing. In time, that will return.

I know it’s horrible to live through, and I’ve had my share of that, but be very honest to God about how you feel and think. Make some little time every day to speak honestly with Him, or to say a prayer, even if you feel nothing. If you’ve repented and gone to Confession, as you have, try to go from there. There is no point in looking back. Things are as they are now. Be utterly honest with God about everything you feel and trust yourself to Him even if you feel nothing.

God bless you,
Trishie
 
headhunter199 said:
Hi - I am a mid 30 male who just had my 4th child. (number 3 was 11 months ago). I have been through a tough spiritual time this past year… After child number 2 my wife and I tried NFP. Yes, two years later we had 2 more kids. I was angry with God after we found out we were pregnant again with number 4. That anger has caused a lot of problems in my life. I made the selfish decision to have a vacectomy because we don’t want more kids. We have at least 10 years of child bearning years ahead of us and we proved we don’t have the control to make NFP work.

Through my on-going debate with myself about getting the procedure done, I seem to have lost everything. My prayer life is gone, I don’t get anything out of the mass or communiion. Confessions didn’t work. I seem to think it is all a waist. Why can’t I feel God’s love. Why won’t Jesus help keep me with him. I know I have to fight but when I do, I feel empty.

I don’t want to feel this way but we seem to like life without the constraints of the Church.

I’m not sure what to do… I never understood how people said they stopped going to church and it doesn’t bother them… I can see that now…

I know I’ll get the normal suggestions… go to confessions, the sacraments, read the lives of the saints… etc… But that doesn’t work. Whenever I read the Gosples or lives of the Saints, I just think that it could all be made up, someone’s story. I have never “felt” God’s presence in my life. Blind faith. I know that’s a good thing but I don’t think it is enough any more.
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well rest assured the new testament is historically quite accurate. and about not feeling teh love and presence of God, i actually have the same problem right now. im praying for you, all the best.
 
Headhunter, I know what you’re going through. Not the child-bearing or vasectomy part, but the emptiness. I’m just now coming out of a 2 year hiatus from faith. Due to reasons I won’t go into here I slowly drifted away from Mass, prayer, everything related to religion 2 years ago. No more watching EWTN, no more visiting these forums. I just didn’t care anymore about the spiritual life. My wife is not a strong person so she was no help to me. For me, it was due to a lot of stress coming from different angles. I, too, went about enjoying life without the constraints of the Church. But, the lie there is that I wasn’t really enjoying life. I was simply surviving it. I kept talking to God in desperation almost every day. I just couldn’t muster up any desire to go to Mass or really pray. Eventually, the emptiness began to push me back to God and to church. I’m happy to say I’m once again feeling the brilliant light of Christ upon me.

Part of my renewal had to do with eliminating the stress from my life. I found fun, safe, social activities outside my home that have nothing to do with religion. I play in a band, and belong to a secular service organization. I also cycle long distances a couple times a week. These things helped me to see God again in other people and in the world around me. Eventually, I could begin to see God in myself again. Two weeks ago I went to confession for the first time in 2 years. It was like a pressure valve was released! I received Holy Communion 3 days later. Since then I’ve been to Mass 4 times, twice this past week. And I’ll go again tomorrow, Sunday. The feeling of renewal is amazing!

I don’t have any sound advice to offer you. About the only thing I can say is sometimes you just have to live out the emptiness until it eventually brings you back. Not the best thing to do, but if you can’t bring yourself up and out of it, then maybe you just have to wait for Christ to do it. as I had to do. Just keep talking to God even if it feels useless. He is listening and will answer in His good time.

I will pray for you, brother. God bless!
 
Before I was Catholic I had a tubal ligation. When I got married I disclosed this to my husband and he told me that he understood and we would look at adoption. I found out he told others that it was one of the reasons he married me. I am now divorced and seeking a decree of nullity. I also had the ligation reversed not because I may ever get married again or because I think the decree of nullity is a slam dunk or because I want to run out and have a child right now. I did it because it was the only way I was going to feel right or like my penance mattered. I also did not want to go through another marriage should I be free to do that like the one I just went through where I was used with a contraceptive mentality rather than loved. I tell you this because what I did gave me joy and comfort and made me feel right with God. It is not what the Church requires but it is simply a choice.
 
You needed better or additional instruction in how to use NFP. Or more motivation! It is as effective as the best contraceptive when used correctly.

I have friends who have been using NFP successfully for many years. You could have contacted the Couple to Couple League or many other resources after the first failure.

onemoresoul.com/

Self-mutilation is never an answer. How sad that you resent your children. You have abandoned God; He has not abandoned you.
 
It is okay to get angry at God. Moses got angry at God, Jerimiah got angry at God. Lot’s of bibical people got angry at God, you can’t live in the anger. You can’t relish the anger or the anger will become comfortable, like a favorite coat.

I find one psalm helps me, psalm 40. “I waited patiently for the Lord…”. I am one of the most impatient people I know and I cann lokk at that and say, “No, I didn’t” But it gives me something to pray for, patience. Next I ask God for the grace to forgive two persons, Him and I.

Don’t expect to feel God or hear God or whatever. not everyone walks aqround all the time in a halo of bliss. But as scripture says, “Be still and know that I am God.” He is with you and you have to be still. Practice being still and quiet. You may still not feel Him. Don’t worry. He is with you and He is there. You may never “feel” His presence. You really only need to hear His voice clearly once, when He says, “:Come in good and fiathful servant.”

Ask God for patience, the grace to forgive and the ability to be quiet. I will say a prayer for you.
 
My Dear Brother in Christ,

In so many ways I’ve been where you are. Feeling nothing from God. Feeling liberated by shaking off Church restrictions etc. then feeling guilty about it and so on…

You are right that you will likely get certain responses and suggestions. But it sounds to me like you have already tried most of them and they have not worked yet. This tells me that there are certain mental/spiritual blocks in place that stem primarily from the feeling, not so much that God has failed you but that you have failed him by not having the discipline to abstain and then by having the vasectomy.

Instead of offering you suggestions on things to “do” I’m going suggest that you “rest” where you are. Recognize that you are trying to reconcile too much too fast and you have hit overload. It’s time for you to rest. God knows your troubles - you have laid them before him. Now just rest a while.

I will offer something that might help give some perspective. Too often as Catholics we get this sense of all the “rules” that must be followed in order to get to heaven. Rules are good, there is something else involved that is equally important. The conscience. I believe this may be where you are having problems, in reconciling your conscience to your actions, your “feelings” to your “beliefs”.
If I may suggest, read through this section of the Catechism on the Moral Conscience. It may help a bit.

Most most of all, rest a bit. Keep talking to Jesus like you’ve talked to us and then be open to his (name removed by moderator)ut (which may take a while to recognize). Accept where you are now and that you are doing the best you can. Perhaps later you can do better…👍 That’s what I keep hoping for myself…

Love your wife and your children.
Raise them in the Church - even if you are not “feeling it” - for it will give them a solid foundation.

Hope some of the above is of help to you.

Peace
James
 
I agree with most of the advice others have posted. 👍

I cannot condemn you or judge you for what you did, but I wonder if you have judged yourself and maybe you are harboring personal guilt over it. Through the action of your confessor, God has forgiven you (from your post I’m assuming you have already taken care of that) but if you can’t forgive yourself that can certainly cause you to stay at a distance from God. In my own life, I’ve had to work at it to remove my own shame and guilt from past decisions that I would never make in my current state of awareness. The Good News is, I have made progress in those areas and my sense of closeness to God is being restored and strengthened. Of course, as others have written, there are times when even saints have had periods of dryness. Mother Theresa experienced it.

I think when we do wrong and repent, we are often restored even better than if we were before we did the wrong. For example, the prodigal son repented and his return was celebrated, while the older brother who had not done such wrong things had an attitude problem whereby he considered himself better than his brother. Same way with the Pharisee and Publican; the repentant sinner was more pleasing to God than a self-righteous do-gooder.

I’d like to share a story from a sermon I heard from a (non-Catholic) TV preacher, regarding forgiving yourself. It was part of a series he was teaching about dealing with serious past sins such as abortion.

He said that he liked to drive nice cars, and about twenty years prior his daughter crashed and ruined his nice car. At the time he felt hurt about it. Twenty years later, when his daughter comes to visit and they sit down at table, he doesn’t even think about the car. It’s in the past. If she were to apologize for it every time she saw him – or stayed away from him – that would be unfortunate indeed. She isn’t happy about what happened, but the car is long gone and it can’t be undone, and neither she nor her father would benefit from her wallowing in guilt over it for the rest of her life.

If God forgives us for something but we don’t forgive ourselves, then IMO we actually have not allowed ourselves to fully accept His gift of mercy. He can hardly give us a gift if we cannot accept it.

Alan
 
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