Falling for a Married man

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Rose07

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I need your help and prayers.I cant believe I am falling in love with someone at my work .I have said nothing and prayed.I prayed for this job and now find myself in a situation were I cant avoid meeting him.
I am surprised at myself and know I am in a vulnerable position in my life.I am recently out an abusive marriage and this is the last thing I need.

What I dont understand is when I avoid him he seeks me out rather than just leave me alone.I am seriously thinking of leaving my job,however need the job and money.Please advise,anyone that`s been in a situation like this before,I would appreciate you sharing how you got through this.😦 Why am I been tested like this?:confused:
 
have you told him your situation? he might understand and leave you alone afterwards.
 
Rose07 said:
I am falling in love
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No such thing. Love is an action word and thus a choice. You love someone because choose to love someone and you act to love someone. No one is compelled to love anyone by something beyond their control.
 
Dear Rose,
My prayers are with you.

By the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit you will be given the strength to overcome this. It is a most difficult situation, especially that you are new and if he had any authority over you. Continue keeping distance, be polite and focus on your work when he comes around. A nod, a smile smile and a forced straight face. Try praying when you see him.
Just a guess, he wants your attention and when you avoid him it makes him want you more. People like the chase, sometimes even better than the prize.

Image his wife and family around him, so to speak and if you have even lost a love you understand the pain and would not want that on anybody.
 
Love is a wonderful feeling. I do not think that repressing love is the answer here.

However, when two spouses are united in matrimony, they have God as their witness: “what God has united, let no man divide”.

Therefore, no matter how strong the heart pulls, a sheer act of the will must show that the spirit is stronger than the flesh, and by obedience to God* you must treat this person very coldly* in order to move him away from you. Anything short than holy indifference could be very dangerous. This is the advice I found in The Spiritual Combat by Fr. Lorenzo Scupoli, a reading I recommend. It is entirely possible that he simply intends to be friendly, not knowing the motions of your heart. However, you do. And anything, even basic friendship, can be very dangerous, given the temptations you are receiving.

P.s.: Fan of Francis gave a wonderful advice: imagine his wife and kids with him. This should help your will overcome the passions.

Remember that ultimately each of us has a divine Bridegroom awaiting for us…and that we should be faithful to Him just like we would be faithful to a creature, to a mortal spouse, lest for the consolation of a short time we lost eternal happiness.

This life is very short. Remain close, possibly closer to Christ, in the Holy Eucharist. He knows your inner struggles, since He is neither far nor away from you, but rather within your very heart.

Perhaps you may benefit by talking to your confessor and asking him for some periodic spiritual direction, that he may see the motions of your soul over some time and give you more proper advice.
 
ConstantineTG said:
No such thing. Love is an action word and thus a choice. You love someone because choose to love someone and you act to love someone. No one is compelled to love anyone by something beyond their control.
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Romantic love is still love, is it not?
 
Threep said:
Romantic love is still love, is it not?
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Of course. But “falling in love” is not love. Again, love is a verb, it is an action word. Love is a choice. There is no such thing as love that we are compelled to against our will. If we think that we shouldn’t love someone, then just don’t.
 
Rose07 said:
What I dont understand is when I avoid him he seeks me out rather than just leave me alone.
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You don’t understand? Srsly? He likes your attention and that you like him, it makes him feel good about himself. If he seeks you out be professional and brief. You only owe him professional courtesy, nothing else.

Having these feelings is like a long bout of the flu. They will pass but it can take quite a while and you have to be very stern with yourself about not fanning the flames. Have no conversations that are personal at all. Good morning is as much as you say that isn’t work related. Never be alone with him if you can help it. Also, if he wants to flirt with you and he’s married - what’s to love about him, anyway? Do you really want to look for another job?
 
Rose07 said:
I need your help and prayers.I cant believe I am falling in love with someone at my work .I have said nothing and prayed.I prayed for this job and now find myself in a situation were I cant avoid meeting him.
I am surprised at myself and know I am in a vulnerable position in my life.I am recently out an abusive marriage and this is the last thing I need.

What I dont understand is when I avoid him he seeks me out rather than just leave me alone.I am seriously thinking of leaving my job,however need the job and money.Please advise,anyone that`s been in a situation like this before,I would appreciate you sharing how you got through this.😦 Why am I been tested like this?:confused:
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Understand he is a person like you. Don’t think of him as an object. Married people that I have been attracted to have turned out to be good friends of mine. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone just don’t do anything wrong. To fall in love it takes two.

Bill
 
Start looking for a new job. That would be doing something positive. You are in a bad situation and you know it. You know he’s interested too. Get out now. You might surprise yourself and find something better. Also God is telling you to leave and He just might have something special for you elsewhere. You don’t need this grief. You don’t need to be the cause of a scandal.
 
aicirt said:
Start looking for a new job. That would be doing something positive. You are in a bad situation and you know it. You know he’s interested too. Get out now. You might surprise yourself and find something better. Also God is telling you to leave and He just might have something special for you elsewhere. You don’t need this grief. You don’t need to be the cause of a scandal.
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Not sure I agree with you here, although it’s true that she’s in a bad situation. What if she leaves and she finds herself in a similar situation elsewhere? And is God really telling her to leave? It’s a difficult situation to be sure, but if she can’t deal with it now, then when? There are many attractive married men out there.

To the OP, I am really sorry that you are going through this. Love (emotion, action, what have you) is a powerful thing. Weigh your options carefully. I will pray for you.
 
There is something in you, something missing, that is why you are seeking attention/love from the “taken” man.

Is there something in your past that would support this theory? Maybe, a parental figure or someone who was not there/taken, etc. Also boyfriend or love interest.

I would FAST. Prayer, say “Jesus, I give this temptation to you, I put it in your care, for your Glory.” Remember, temptations like this won’t give you peace until you face the source of the temptation, something in your past, and act out/claim victory in Christ against it.

Say “I can’t talk to you right now, sorry,” and get yourself right first. The temptation may never leave. It will always be in check. Having the married man follow you around at work is not good. Tell him, you need some space/don’t follow me, I just want to do my job. This is perfectly normal. Don’t be mean about it.

Turn away from sin, reduce the temptations, and you will be free! This is the best any of us can do.

Lily
 
I have not been in your situation, but if this were me, I would decide that my will was going to be in charge of my emotions…and not the other way around. I would decide that I was going to do this God’s way–no highway option. And then I would pray and make a plan. My plan would probably look something like this:

1)Guard your heart. Don’t allow yourself to daydream about what cannot be. Remember that no matter how handsome, intelligent, flattering, sophisticated or suave he may seem, there is nothing attractive about a man who cheats on his wife. Adultery and betrayal are vile. A man who would do this to his wife has nothing to offer you.
  1. Seek to fill any emotional void via legitimate channels. Spend time with family and friends, especially good Catholic friends. Find a good therapist if you need help recovering from your previous marriage. Maybe even consider getting a puppy.
3)Be watchful and maintain boundaries. Keep the relationship professional. Don’t be his confidante, or his therapist. Don’t let him play you for sympathy about his home life. If he claims he has a troubled marriage/horrible wife, it is not your job to comfort him, or be his savior. Odds are, he’s manipulating you emotionally. Be cognizant of your body language, and careful not to flirt inadvertently. Don’t give him any special considerations or attention, as he is almost sure to misconstrue them.
  1. Be assertive. Don’t let him take any liberties with you. Don’t let him buy you gifts, or take you to dinner. Don’t let him touch you physically or call you pet names. Don’t give him your personal contact information or let him drive you home.
5)Avoid the near occasion of sin. Don’t be too free with alcoholic beverages at company parties or events where you are both in attendance. Avoid being at work after hours. Don’t be alone with him. Ever.

6)Be accountable, and fortify yourself spiritually—get a regular spiritual director, receive the sacrament of reconciliation frequently,
 
Constantine is right when he says “You love someone because choose to love someone and you act to love someone. No one is compelled to love anyone by something beyond their control”. It doesn’t even take any monumental struggles to break free from “falling in love”, not to mention quitting your job. You can find someone attractive, but it’s your choice to act on it or not. Usually people who engage in such relationships play with fire, thinking “what’s wrong with going out for coffee with him?” But one thing leads to another.

As for his behavior, sometimes people “smell” vulnerability in others, that’s why many married men and women who want a extramarital relationship often approach people who had a recent breakup or divorce. And no, they don’t have the slightest intention to leave their spouses, even when they say so. There’s no such thing as an affair with a happy end. In fact, this is the reason why people who have had dysfunctional families or a history of being abused tend to continue the pattern by subjecting themselves to more abuse = relationships with married men and women.
 
Are you sure he feels anything for you other than warm friendship? Lots of work colleagues get along amazingly well - just because they do!

If you are single and perhaps this man’s attention is flattering to you and makes you feel good (and why wouldn’t it?) perhaps you are convinced you are ‘in love’ when really, you are just in lust because he’s a warm, pleasant and attractive man and he’s in your sphere.

:confused: I would definitely not be cold towards him - that’s sheer bad manners! How is he to know what he’s done ‘wrong’ and definitely don’t tell him! Be pleasant and polite and my advice (from someone who spent most of my professional life as a single woman, working with men and very often alone with men…and guess what? I have on occasion felt attracted to a few of them - but I chose never to pursue or indulge in my feelings and I haven’t wrecked 1 single marriage and yes, I am still a virgin)…is to get to know him as a FELLOW HUMAN BEING.

Ask him about his wife and kids - just chat to him as you would a brother or cousin or old family friend. There’s nothing wrong with friendship. Lust is a trick of the mind and can be overcome. In fact, for all you know, he might have a single friend or relative that he thinks you’d be perfect for!

You need to start seeing him as a family man and start seeing his wife as a real person, with feelings and a personality. You need to knock him off his pedetsal - don’t knock yourself off the career ladder by obsessing over the version of this man you have concocted in your head.

If you intend to work for a living, you will come in contact with men all the time and you just need to learn to deal with it!
 
Sing4Him said:
Not sure I agree with you here, although it’s true that she’s in a bad situation. What if she leaves and she finds herself in a similar situation elsewhere? And is God really telling her to leave? It’s a difficult situation to be sure, but if she can’t deal with it now, then when? There are many attractive married men out there.

To the OP, I am really sorry that you are going through this. Love (emotion, action, what have you) is a powerful thing. Weigh your options carefully. I will pray for you.
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She needs to start looking. She can’t make excuses for herself when they’re not based on fact. She may not find another job but right now she doesn’t know that. She vulnerable because of the recent divorce and she’s lonely. He’s attractive and interested. It would be different if she wasn’t interested, but she is. Staying around a fire is a sure way to get burned eventually. As far as other men go, it is this one she attracted to. If she wasn’t attracted to him, it would be easier to ignore him.
 
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