Falling in love with sponsor

[hockey1982]

Well, I hope that this might be the right place for the topic.
I was having a difficult time finding the RCIA section.
But I need advice. Help, i am falling in love with my RCIA sponsor.
He is one of the closest friends that I have. I am seriously thinking about postponing converting until next year, when he gets stationed somewhere else to finish grad school or get another sponsor.
My reasons for converting are due to church history and the Lord’s leading. But, I want to make sure that my reasons are purely for the Lord and not anyone else. What do you think I should do?

I have a question for you relating to my conversion process, yet of a more personal nature.
I am a non-denominational Christian converting to Catholicism. This is due to much study and the Lord leading me this way it would seem.
I have an incredibly good friend. He is actually the one who started really explaining Catholocism to me. I met him in my protestant Bible study last year.
Well, I keep on having road blocks in my conversion experience. It it’s not one thing it’s another. I have missed way too many RCIA classes this year. They might not even let me convert.
Anyways, this guy is my sponsor fir the church. He is gone a lot since he is a officer in the Air Force. But, he has been there for me through soo much. I have been falling in love with him. It drives me crazy. I have not said anything to him. This is for many reasons. But, knowing that I am falling for him, I wonder if I should wait about converting. I do not want to convert for the wrong reasons or get attached to him. I have thought about switching sponsors or not going through with the process at all until next year. He is getting stationed somewhere else next year. Plus, at one time he thought about the priesthood, which he hasn’t brought up in a while. I called him tonight and told him I might put the process on hold.

I said I just didn’t feel ready to convert and this is a lonely journey for me, which it is. He is one of the few people that I can talk about it with and who understands me from both sides. We share the same Catholic and protestant friends. He sounded almost heart broken when I said I might put it on hold. He said I haven’t been there for you enough. I need to be there for you more. He apologized. He is working on some important work stuff for the next couple months 4 hrs away. But, he was planning on coming home for all my church stuff.
Anyways, I don’t know what to do.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Well, I hope that this might be the right place for the topic.
I was having a difficult time finding the RCIA section.
But I need advice. Help, i am falling in love with my RCIA sponsor.
He is one of the closest friends that I have. I am seriously thinking about postponing converting until next year, when he gets stationed somewhere else to finish grad school or get another sponsor.
My reasons for converting are due to church history and the Lord’s leading. But, I want to make sure that my reasons are purely for the Lord and not anyone else. What do you think I should do?

I don’t think that is an issue, if you maintain a proper Catholic moral relationship.

 

[Sr_Sally]

If he or you are not free to marry, than you should do your best to control the feelings you are developing for him. But you shouldn’t postpone your entrance into the church because of this. Make an appointment with your priest and discuss this with him. He can help you get a new sponsor if that is necessary, or at least get you additional support so that you do not have to spend all your learning time with someone who might be (unintentionally) causing a stumbling block to your entrance.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

If he or you are not free to marry, than you should do your best to control the feelings you are developing for him. But you shouldn’t postpone your entrance into the church because of this. Make an appointment with your priest and discuss this with him. He can help you get a new sponsor if that is necessary, or at least get you additional support so that you do not have to spend all your learning time with someone who might be (unintentionally) causing a stumbling block to your entrance.

I agree. In my parish, we usually look for a sponsor who is the same sex and has something in common with the candidate. By the way, the RCIA sponsor is someone who accompanies the candidate on the journey, this isn’t necessarily the sponsor for baptism or confirmation. So your present sponsor could still be your sponsor for the sacrament.

 

[palmas85]

hockey1982:

I have a question for you relating to my conversion process, yet of a more personal nature.
I am a non-denominational Christian converting to Catholicism. This is due to much study and the Lord leading me this way it would seem.
I have an incredibly good friend. He is actually the one who started really explaining Catholocism to me. I met him in my protestant Bible study last year.
Well, I keep on having road blocks in my conversion experience. It it’s not one thing it’s another. I have missed way too many RCIA classes this year. They might not even let me convert.
Anyways, this guy is my sponsor fir the church. He is gone a lot since he is a officer in the Air Force. But, he has been there for me through soo much. I have been falling in love with him. It drives me crazy. I have not said anything to him. This is for many reasons. But, knowing that I am falling for him, I wonder if I should wait about converting. I do not want to convert for the wrong reasons or get attached to him. I have thought about switching sponsors or not going through with the process at all until next year. He is getting stationed somewhere else next year. Plus, at one time he thought about the priesthood, which he hasn’t brought up in a while. I called him tonight and told him I might put the process on hold.

I said I just didn’t feel ready to convert and this is a lonely journey for me, which it is. He is one of the few people that I can talk about it with and who understands me from both sides. We share the same Catholic and protestant friends. He sounded almost heart broken when I said I might put it on hold. He said I haven’t been there for you enough. I need to be there for you more. He apologized. He is working on some important work stuff for the next couple months 4 hrs away. But, he was planning on coming home for all my church stuff.
Anyways, I don’t know what to do.

I’m surprised that the program allowed you to have a sponser of the opposite sex. That is discouraged in great part to the fact that falling in love is a definite possibility. Many Parishes do not allow it. As far as missing classes there is no hard and fast guideline as to how many missed is too much. It is up to the RCIA Director and the Priest in charge to make that determination. I will tell you that missing too many classes is definitely a sign that the person is not ready for conversion for whatever reason. I am also somewhat surprised that your sponsor would be attending a Protestant Bible Study group. Protestant Bible Study often stresses non Catholic ideas and beliefs and attending them can be tricky thing.

I would speak to your Parish Priest about this, Maybe it isn’t time for you or maybe your desire to convert is being tested. In any event I wish you all the best in your quest.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I’m surprised that the program allowed you to have a sponser of the opposite sex. That is discouraged in great part to the fact that falling in love is a definite possibility. Many Parishes do not allow it. As far as missing classes there is no hard and fast guideline as to how many missed is too much. It is up to the RCIA Director and the Priest in charge to make that determination. I will tell you that missing too many classes is definitely a sign that the person is not ready for conversion for whatever reason. I am also somewhat surprised that your sponsor would be attending a Protestant Bible Study group. Protestant Bible Study often stresses non Catholic ideas and beliefs and attending them can be tricky thing.

I would speak to your Parish Priest about this, Maybe it isn’t time for you or maybe your desire to convert is being tested. In any event I wish you all the best in your quest.

I’m reading this thread and I’m confused by some of the responses, or I have missed something. We don’t know the details of the situation. If one or both are married then that is of course different from if both are single. If both are single, maybe this is what God had planned? There is NO rule prohibiting a sponsor of the opposite gender. Any parish that has one or discourages sponsors of the opposite gender or doesn’t allow candidates or catechumens to supply their own Sponsor, or prohibits spouses, is “MAKING UP THEIR OWN RULES”!

 

[Em_in_FL]

It’s a good question to consider… whether or not your conversion is genuine… but Br. Rich makes a good point also.

Since you mentioned missing a lot of classes… and that your current sponsor is not able to attend very often… why not talk to the RCIA director about having a substitute or secondary sponsor? This would allow you to focus on the conversion separately from the feelings you’re having for your current sponsor…

 

[NetNuncio]

Forgive me, but I fail to see the negativity here.

I assume that you and he are free to marry (never been married before, or if you have, you have either obtained a proper annulment or your spouses have gone to the Lord). You have found a man that is strong in the faith and with whom you connect very well with.

As long as your feelings for him don’t cloud your logical thought in learning the faith, I see this as a cause for rejoicing! Starting a journey to the Church and finding a great person with whom you share so much with and who can guide you in your journey is something very few people can claim.

At my last parish we had a woman who was sponsored by her fiance. They are one of the most devout couples I know. Granted, they were farther along in their relationship, but still in that “smitten” phase.

All in all, I don’t see this as a problem at all. You could talk to the pastor of the parish or the RCIA leader about it if you still have concerns (that’s always a good idea, anyway), but I CERTAINLY would not delay your path to the Church for this reason.

Adam

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, I hope that this might be the right place for the topic.
I was having a difficult time finding the RCIA section.
But I need advice. Help, i am falling in love with my RCIA sponsor.
He is one of the closest friends that I have. I am seriously thinking about postponing converting until next year, when he gets stationed somewhere else to finish grad school or get another sponsor.
My reasons for converting are due to church history and the Lord’s leading. But, I want to make sure that my reasons are purely for the Lord and not anyone else. What do you think I should do?

I have a question for you relating to my conversion process, yet of a more personal nature.
I am a non-denominational Christian converting to Catholicism. This is due to much study and the Lord leading me this way it would seem.
I have an incredibly good friend. He is actually the one who started really explaining Catholocism to me. I met him in my protestant Bible study last year.
Well, I keep on having road blocks in my conversion experience. It it’s not one thing it’s another. I have missed way too many RCIA classes this year. They might not even let me convert.
Anyways, this guy is my sponsor fir the church. He is gone a lot since he is a officer in the Air Force. But, he has been there for me through soo much. I have been falling in love with him. It drives me crazy. I have not said anything to him. This is for many reasons. But, knowing that I am falling for him, I wonder if I should wait about converting. I do not want to convert for the wrong reasons or get attached to him. I have thought about switching sponsors or not going through with the process at all until next year. He is getting stationed somewhere else next year. Plus, at one time he thought about the priesthood, which he hasn’t brought up in a while. I called him tonight and told him I might put the process on hold.

I said I just didn’t feel ready to convert and this is a lonely journey for me, which it is. He is one of the few people that I can talk about it with and who understands me from both sides. We share the same Catholic and protestant friends. He sounded almost heart broken when I said I might put it on hold. He said I haven’t been there for you enough. I need to be there for you more. He apologized. He is working on some important work stuff for the next couple months 4 hrs away. But, he was planning on coming home for all my church stuff.
Anyways, I don’t know what to do.

Hi hockey! Welcome to the forum…and glad to see you are in RCIA.

I would like to add that I don’t see anything ‘inherently’ wrong with falling in love with your sponsor. The one thing I’ll throw out there–and this may or may not apply, but just food for thought–it that sometimes we ‘fall for’ people who we admire, and who are leading us to better places in life. Many moons ago back in my college days, pre my husband, I was being counseled for my parents’ deaths–the mourning process that I had never gone through. I had a few counselors, but there was one male counselor who got through to me. I didn’t necessarily think I was falling in love with him–but I grew to view him as someone I admired, and perhaps became infatuated with. I actually stopped seeing him as my counselor, because I did not want my progress to be thwarted by my ‘feelings’ for him. I actually discussed this with a friend, who said that it is very common for women and men to misinterpret feelings of elation and joy during a recovery process–as feelings of love for the person who is aiding them through the process. NOT SAYING THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT REAL LOVE. Please know, I’m not saying that. I am just throwing this out there, that what you could be feeling, is a CONNECTION to this man, who has helped you ‘to see the Light,’ so to speak.

Next, I would not halt the conversion process–no way! If you feel that your feelings are getting in the way of your progress in RCIA, I would simply seek another counselor. That might be a good time to tell him your feelings, although not sure if you’re ready to bridge that subject with him, yet. (or if ever?) I would say that you should most certainly stick with RCIA, and if you feel you need to move to another counselor do so…if not, look at this man as a beautiful Christian brother. After RCIA, I might then tell him my ‘feelings’ if you still have them.

I will keep you in my prayers–but I hope you consider some of what I have said. Whatever you do–do not halt your conversion process–keep moving forward for The Lord…Good luck!

Blessings,
Sharon:heart:

 

[mschrank]

Forgive me, but I fail to see the negativity here.

I assume that you and he are free to marry (never been married before, or if you have, you have either obtained a proper annulment or your spouses have gone to the Lord). You have found a man that is strong in the faith and with whom you connect very well with.

As long as your feelings for him don’t cloud your logical thought in learning the faith, I see this as a cause for rejoicing! Starting a journey to the Church and finding a great person with whom you share so much with and who can guide you in your journey is something very few people can claim.

At my last parish we had a woman who was sponsored by her fiance. They are one of the most devout couples I know. Granted, they were farther along in their relationship, but still in that “smitten” phase.

All in all, I don’t see this as a problem at all. You could talk to the pastor of the parish or the RCIA leader about it if you still have concerns (that’s always a good idea, anyway), but I CERTAINLY would not delay your path to the Church for this reason.

Adam

I totally agree with these sentiments.

Is there something that you are leaving out- is he married, too old/young, discerning a religious vocation, etc?

If not, please do tell him how you feel. You might be surprised, when I first met my wife we were just friends that enjoyed the same conversation and spiritual topics. One day she told me she was falling for me and I was very surprised but it was the best surprise I ever received.

I had felt the same way, but I didn’t want to somehow ‘sully’ our relationship which had been so much about self-giving and with none of the selfishness associated with romantic love.

But when she told me how she felt, looking back on it, I can’t see why I wasn’t the one that made the first move. Now that we are married, our love is even more self giving and just as pure. She’s carrying my child and soon we’ll be able to see our love incarnate.

 

[Phemie]

I don’t think that is an issue, if you maintain a proper Catholic moral relationship.

I think the OP is concerned that there’s a danger that taking the final steps to conversion might be for the wrong reason if she keeps up this relationship. This would seem to be important enough to justify asking for another sponsor.

 

[palmas85]

I’m reading this thread and I’m confused by some of the responses, or I have missed something. We don’t know the details of the situation. If one or both are married then that is of course different from if both are single. If both are single, maybe this is what God had planned? There is NO rule prohibiting a sponsor of the opposite gender. Any parish that has one or discourages sponsors of the opposite gender or doesn’t allow candidates or catechumens to supply their own Sponsor, or prohibits spouses, is “MAKING UP THEIR OWN RULES”!

Well Brother, I’ve been involved with RCIA for a long time. When I started training as a catechist, one of the first things we were told is that it is a bad idea, indeed, a very bad idea to have a sponsor of the opposite sex in adult RCIA cases, , except in the rare circumstance of it being the spouse. When I started with RCIA, these sentiments were echoed by all involved at the staff level and up to and including the Priest. And this was at a fairly liberal Parish. As you are no doubt well aware, a person going through RCIA often has a very idealized view of Catholicism and can come close to idolizing the sponsor, particularly if he or she is a good one. I’m sure you can see where that can lead in the case of a male female relationship.

Quite true there is no hard and fast rule concerning the issue. However, most Parishes that I am aware of DO discourage the practice due to the fact that people are people and hormones are hormones. We cannot ignore that reality nor can we ignore the fact that such events can and do occur. A person going through RCIA has enough to worry about without having to deal with the possibility that they may fall in love with the sponsor or conversely the sponsor with them. Such an event can drastically alter the persons perception of the Church or of their place in it as it may have done for this young woman.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I think the OP is concerned that there’s a danger that taking the final steps to conversion might be for the wrong reason if she keeps up this relationship. This would seem to be important enough to justify asking for another sponsor.

I would guess that only she, the Sponsor and the pastor could answer that question.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Well Brother, I’ve been involved with RCIA for a long time. When I started training as a catechist, one of the first things we were told is that it is a bad idea, indeed, a very bad idea to have a sponsor of the opposite sex in adult RCIA cases, , except in the rare circumstance of it being the spouse. When I started with RCIA, these sentiments were echoed by all involved at the staff level and up to and including the Priest. And this was at a fairly liberal Parish. As you are no doubt well aware, a person going through RCIA often has a very idealized view of Catholicism and can come close to idolizing the sponsor, particularly if he or she is a good one. I’m sure you can see where that can lead in the case of a male female relationship.

Quite true there is no hard and fast rule concerning the issue. However, most Parishes that I am aware of DO discourage the practice due to the fact that people are people and hormones are hormones. We cannot ignore that reality nor can we ignore the fact that such events can and do occur. A person going through RCIA has enough to worry about without having to deal with the possibility that they may fall in love with the sponsor or conversely the sponsor with them. Such an event can drastically alter the persons perception of the Church or of their place in it as it may have done for this young woman.

All I can say is we need to stop “making up our own rules” because we know better and focus on implimenting the RCIA correctly and fully.

 

[palmas85]

All I can say is we need to stop “making up our own rules” because we know better and focus on implimenting the RCIA correctly and fully.

Implementing RCIA correctly and fully. Thats a good idea. Don’t you think that minimizing or trying to eliminate the possibility of a potentially distracting situation could be construed as being fully in accordance with that view?

One of the problems with the RCIA program as a whole is that there are virtually NO hard a fast rules on what is taught, how it is to be taught, what pace how it is to be taught at etc etc. Most Dioceses have a certain minimum that they want covered but it is left entirely up to the individual parishes as to how the program is implemented and how it is taught.

That is why you will have one Parish introducing TAIZE another hawking charismatic spirituality another using the Baltimore catechism in rote learning sessions and others using whatever materials happened to suit either the DRO or the RCIA Directors fancy,. All within the same diocese. There is a horrible lack of guidance from Church officials in this area. The RCIA teams are mostly dedicated people trying to do a good job, but they are not professionals in the overwhelming majority of cases.

I have to say at this point that is one of the reasons I feel many Catholics today are so poorly catechized. Very little guidance and no standardized subject matter.

I maintain with all due respect Brother, there is way too much potential for distraction in this type of case and there is just no reason for it when it can be easily avoided or the risk minimized…

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Implementing RCIA correctly and fully. Thats a good idea. Don’t you think that minimizing or trying to eliminate the possibility of a potentially distracting situation could be construed as being fully in accordance with that view?

One of the problems with the RCIA program as a whole is that there are virtually NO hard a fast rules on what is taught, how it is to be taught, what pace how it is to be taught at etc etc. Most Dioceses have a certain minimum that they want covered but it is left entirely up to the individual parishes as to how the program is implemented and how it is taught.

That is why you will have one Parish introducing TAIZE another hawking charismatic spirituality another using the Baltimore catechism in rote learning sessions and others using whatever materials happened to suit either the DRO or the RCIA Directors fancy,. All within the same diocese. There is a horrible lack of guidance from Church officials in this area. The RCIA teams are mostly dedicated people trying to do a good job, but they are not professionals in the overwhelming majority of cases.

I have to say at this point that is one of the reasons I feel many Catholics today are so poorly catechized. Very little guidance and no standardized subject matter.

I maintain with all due respect Brother, there is way too much potential for distraction in this type of case and there is just no reason for it when it can be easily avoided or the risk minimized…

I think personally it places restrictions on adults who do not need to be protected from each other and should have the freedom to interact as they feel is appropriate. The RCIA teams and directors need to be using their energy in other places instead of making up rules to protect Candidates and Catechumens from their sponsors. I might add proper sponsor training and qualification is also important. Now teens and children --different story. The content and method of catechesis (which is a component of the RCIA) is clearly covered in the Catechism, the General Directory for Catechesis and the National Directory for Catechesis.

 

[palmas85]

I think personally it places restrictions on adults who do not need to be protected from each other and should have the freedom to interact as they feel is appropriate. The RCIA teams and directors need to be using their energy in other places instead of making up rules to protect Candidates and Catechumens from their sponsors. I might add proper sponsor training and qualification is also important. Now teens and children --different story. The content and method of catechesis (which is a component of the RCIA) is clearly covered in the Catechism, the General Directory for Catechesis and the National Directory for Catechesis.

RCIA should be a place where the focus is on God and learning about the faith. I don’t think the restriction on male/ female sponsors are as much to protect as you say but to help minimize things that could distract from that goal. In any event, it is not a common occurance at least in my experience.

As far as content and method in RCIA classes, there are general guidelines and really nothing more. The various Rites are expected to be adhered to as closely as possible bur beyond that it is pretty much up to the individual Parish how anything is done.

Brother, if you fail to see that a candidate falling in love with their sponsor or vice versa could possibly have a positively disasterous effect on someones entrance into the Church, then I think you really need to open your eyes to the reality we live in. .

Not saying it would, but it definitely could. And, at least in the case of the OP, quite possibly has.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

RCIA should be a place where the focus is on God and learning about the faith. I don’t think the restriction on male/ female sponsors are as much to protect as you say but to help minimize things that could distract from that goal. In any event, it is not a common occurance at least in my experience.

As far as content and method in RCIA classes, there are general guidelines and really nothing more. The various Rites are expected to be adhered to as closely as possible bur beyond that it is pretty much up to the individual Parish how anything is done.

Brother, if you fail to see that a candidate falling in love with their sponsor or vice versa could possibly have a positively disasterous effect on someones entrance into the Church, then I think you really need to open your eyes to the reality we live in. .

Not saying it would, but it definitely could. And, at least in the case of the OP, quite possibly has.

In the few years (15) I’ve been involved in RCIA. I have seen a number of M/F Sponsor/Candidate-Catechumens with no problems, a few that developed into a relationship, one that may end in a Marriage and none that had disasterous effects. (prior relationships ending in Marriage not counted) Of course here there is always other support from the team and the strong bond between ALL the Candidates, Catechumens and Sponsors.

 

[DL82]

RCIA should be a place where the focus is on God and learning about the faith. I don’t think the restriction on male/ female sponsors are as much to protect as you say but to help minimize things that could distract from that goal. In any event, it is not a common occurance at least in my experience.

As far as content and method in RCIA classes, there are general guidelines and really nothing more. The various Rites are expected to be adhered to as closely as possible bur beyond that it is pretty much up to the individual Parish how anything is done.

Brother, if you fail to see that a candidate falling in love with their sponsor or vice versa could possibly have a positively disasterous effect on someones entrance into the Church, then I think you really need to open your eyes to the reality we live in. .

Not saying it would, but it definitely could. And, at least in the case of the OP, quite possibly has.

Another important element in RCIA is the sense that we learn together, as catechumens and sponsors, as parts of the Church as the Body of Christ, not just in individual contemplation of the Catechism.

That’s one of the reasons I waited for RCIA to begin in my parish rather than going to a neighbouring traditionalist parish that still receives catechumens by individual instruction with a priest. I already knew lots of doctrine and theology, it’s the corporate dimension, learning to interact with other Catholics, to live our faith and to be the Church, that I needed to learn through RCIA.

 

[palmas85]

In the few years (15) I’ve been involved in RCIA. I have seen a number of M/F Sponsor/Candidate-Catechumens with no problems, a few that developed into a relationship, one that may end in a Marriage and none that had disasterous effects. (prior relationships ending in Marriage not counted) Of course here there is always other support from the team and the strong bond between ALL the Candidates, Catechumens and Sponsors.

We’ve been around about the same time. Hey if you see no potential for a problem, great:thumbsup: