Falling out of love in record time :/

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MJDorry

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I’ve been “dating” my GF since the end of of Jan., although we became exclusive in April, and I told her I loved her toward the end of May. And that was the absolute truth. However, we’re only just coming up on September and although I would say I still do “love” her, I don’t have a strong sensation of being “in-love”. I can say, “I love you,” some times when it feels natural for me to do so, but my GF says it more frequently than I. And when she says it, I know I have to respond with “I love you, too,” and I inwardly cringe.

This has been occurring more frequently in the past couple of weeks. To the point that I have to consciously make sure my face doesn’t contort when I say it. Is this normal? Was I ever in love? Or am I falling out of love as quick as I fell into it?

I’ve been in love before, and the feeling in both instances were identical, but in the first case, I just kept falling deeper and deeper for months and months before I worked up the courage to end that relationship for differences of faith. With my current GF, I fell in love, I hovered in that initial feeling, and then it started falling off.
 
Love isn’t a feeling…It’s a conscious and ongoing decision to put the good of the other person before your own desires.

There are many feelings that come at different stages of a romantic relationship but you sound like you’re confusing the feelings associated with romance and the actual reality of loving someone.

If you’re going off this girl then the best thing is to tell her and break up with her. And perhaps the next time you get into a relationship be less liberal with your “I love yous.”
 
Are you in your teens? Twenties? Thirties? Something else?

You sound young and this sounds more like infatuation than love.
 
I’m 28. I know the difference between infatuation and love. If you do the math above, it took me four months before I started fall in love with my GF.

As to love as a “choice vs a feeling”: Yeah, that’s applicable to an extent, and it’s what will carry a marriage, but people don’t just consciously “choose” to love someone in the first year of a relationship. What they do choose is how much they reveal their vulnerability to the other person as they continue to find that they like them and trust them. And when they reach a natural tipping point in that emotional intimacy, they “fall” in love.

Falling in love is a very important experience that is sorely underestimated by many in our Church who seem to be overly afraid of misconstruing the feelings of falling in love for the reality of true Godly love, and choose to separate the two entirely instead of carefully working out where they overlap. Trust me: I, too, am educated on such differences.

Falling in love creates a chemical bond that helps ensure our minds become focused on securing a life mate. I’d say that sounds fairly God-given right there. Falling in love is the spark that jump-starts a loving relationship. From there, yes, you then make the conscious choice to give yourself to the other person, ideally in marriage (after you’ve agreed the right amount of time has been shared between you to be sure of such a decision), but thankfully, I’m not at that stage yet.

Choices or not, as far as I’m concerned, when you’re in the dating phase, simply choosing to give yourself to another person without experiencing that overriding sense of “in loveness” is a) bad biology, and b) bad relationship choices. You should be “in love” with someone. Why the hell else would you make a vow to give yourself to them if they’re not rocking your world?
 
I read your thread about the pregnancy scare, OP, and what I think is this (feel free to take it or leave it): you fell in love because you liked her and your relationship was new and because of your hormones. When you had the scare, it pushed you towards wanting to be a ‘better’ Catholic - but according to your other thread your girlfriend isn’t Catholic. So I think that since then you’ve had time to really evaluate what you want in a relationship (to raise a family with a Catholic wife) and you’ve realised that maybe she isn’t it.

Just my :twocents: .

For what it’s worth though, there is a time when love becomes a choice as opposed to just a feeling, and when that feeling isn’t there, you choose to love that person - every relationship ebbs and flows, right? But considering you’ve only been in a relationship since April, it’s probably best just to move on.

Lou
 
Lou2U said:
For what it’s worth though, there is a time when love becomes a choice as opposed to just a feeling, and when that feeling isn’t there, you choose to love that person - every relationship ebbs and flows, right? But considering you’ve only been in a relationship since April, it’s probably best just to move on.

Lou
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Yup, and IMHO this should only be after marriage, not before.
 
MJDorry said:
I’ve been “dating” my GF since the end of of Jan., although we became exclusive in April, and I told her I loved her toward the end of May. And that was the absolute truth. However, we’re only just coming up on September and although I would say I still do “love” her, I don’t have a strong sensation of being “in-love”. I can say, “I love you,” some times when it feels natural for me to do so, but my GF says it more frequently than I. And when she says it, I know I have to respond with “I love you, too,” and I inwardly cringe.

This has been occurring more frequently in the past couple of weeks. To the point that I have to consciously make sure my face doesn’t contort when I say it. Is this normal? Was I ever in love? Or am I falling out of love as quick as I fell into it?

I’ve been in love before, and the feeling in both instances were identical, but in the first case, I just kept falling deeper and deeper for months and months before I worked up the courage to end that relationship for differences of faith. With my current GF, I fell in love, I hovered in that initial feeling, and then it started falling off.
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If you do not feel that this young lady is the most important thing in your life now and in the future, then it is time for THE TALK and end the relationship with as much class as possible.
 
Lou2U said:
I read your thread about the pregnancy scare
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Well this will throw a bucket of ice water on the lovey-dovey feelings. I would say going through something stressful and emotional like this, there are many reasons you may be pushing away feelings of love-- self preservation, fear, trying to establish emotional distance, regret, guilt… the list goes on.

Maybe you should talk with a professional to work through your feelings about the intimate relationship you had with her, the pregnancy scare, the emotional fall out, what you feel now, etc.

It’s a lot. She may be saying “I love you” a lot in order to get you to say it back and get reassurance from you that you don’t see her differently/badly, that you are going to stick by her, that you care, etc. She is also emotionally vulnerable after starting an intimate relationship with you, having an intense emotional situation, and now trying to come out the other side of it and figure out your relationship.
 
MJDorry said:
I’m 28. I know the difference between infatuation and love. If you do the math above, it took me four months before I started fall in love with my GF.

As to love as a “choice vs a feeling”: Yeah, that’s applicable to an extent, and it’s what will carry a marriage, but people don’t just consciously “choose” to love someone in the first year of a relationship. What they do choose is how much they reveal their vulnerability to the other person as they continue to find that they like them and trust them. And when they reach a natural tipping point in that emotional intimacy, they “fall” in love.

Falling in love is a very important experience that is sorely underestimated by many in our Church who seem to be overly afraid of misconstruing the feelings of falling in love for the reality of true Godly love, and choose to separate the two entirely instead of carefully working out where they overlap. Trust me: I, too, am educated on such differences.

Falling in love creates a chemical bond that helps ensure our minds become focused on securing a life mate. I’d say that sounds fairly God-given right there. Falling in love is the spark that jump-starts a loving relationship. From there, yes, you then make the conscious choice to give yourself to the other person, ideally in marriage (after you’ve agreed the right amount of time has been shared between you to be sure of such a decision), but thankfully, I’m not at that stage yet.

Choices or not, as far as I’m concerned, when you’re in the dating phase, simply choosing to give yourself to another person without experiencing that overriding sense of “in loveness” is a) bad biology, and b) bad relationship choices. You should be “in love” with someone.** Why the hell else would you make a vow to give yourself to them if they’re not rocking your world?**
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They aren’t always going to be “rocking your world”. Sometimes they’ll be vomiting in the middle of the night and need you to hold their hand and get them a hot drink even though you’re getting up at 6am to work. You shouldn’t be telling any lady you love her unless you’re at the stage where you are prepared to prove it. That’s just messing with their emotions.
 
MJDorry,

I’ve recently watched a video on Facebook by a pastor named Mark Gungor, who had an “Ask Mark” segment. A girl wrote in and asked for advice to help her and her boyfriend who were experiencing ‘Troubles’. He basically told her to dump him, because while dating you should be having a great time. Because after you say ‘I do’ it gets harder. Pastor Gungor is wonderful in describing the differences between men and women and has loads of information that helps most marriages. I also love Dr. Twersky, who is Jewish and a Psychiatrist who’s videos on Youtube have been especially a blessing to me. His video on Decisions you may find helpful fright now. youtu.be/HSD2QHXoLP0

I believe you can be 100% honest in saying ‘I love you’ to a gf/bf but not be meant for marriage with that person. Our English language doesn’t quite cut it for all the different subtleties in what that may mean. Understand, she may have meant it differently than you, or surprise, maybe she’s feeling the same and has just a smattering of doubt and that is why she keeps saying it.

Maybe you could ‘break up’ giving this girl the freedom to meet and probably marry someone who is thrilled to build a life with her. Or you can ‘take a break’ of sorts, meaning you break up without slamming the door. Easier said than done. Most people don’t want this sort of namby pamby not quite 100%. You care about this young woman too much to let her have anything less than wonderful. Or I hope so, and I hope you feel this way about yourself. At 28, you seem well enough versed in knowing how important the chemistry and commitment is.I agree with Adam Peter, you’ve lived enough to know maybe you should sit on the ‘I love You’ until you’re ready to really stick around.

God Bless you, you will be in my prayers.
 
I also suspect that previously you had a ‘stressful’ event with your gf which made you reexamine what sort of relationship/person you want to be. So, I think it’s possible that you have ‘guilt’ or a smattering of disrespect for your gf.

Please not only carefully read the wonderful advice given by so may here at CAF, but go talk with your Priest and pray about it. Sit with Our Lord in Adoration.

But, I think there is more to what is going on with your ‘feelings’ than just your gf. I sugest you also watch Dr. Twersky’s video on "Indiference’ youtu.be/WfR37iNueTk
 
AdamPeter said:
They aren’t always going to be “rocking your world”. Sometimes they’ll be vomiting in the middle of the night and need you to hold their hand and get them a hot drink even though you’re getting up at 6am to work. You shouldn’t be telling any lady you love her unless you’re at the stage where you are prepared to prove it. That’s just messing with their emotions.
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👍
 
So here’s the right question to ask: is this THE person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

Coming up on 38 years with my spouse, and I can tell you, there are times we’ve been tempted to call it quits. But we never have. In the end, there are three things that last: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love. Therefore, make love your aim–but you can’t conjure it out of the woodwork. If the answer to the above question is “no,” you have your answer indeed.
 
Lou2U said:
I read your thread about the pregnancy scare, OP, and what I think is this (feel free to take it or leave it): you fell in love because you liked her and your relationship was new and because of your hormones. When you had the scare, it pushed you towards wanting to be a ‘better’ Catholic - but according to your other thread your girlfriend isn’t Catholic. So I think that since then you’ve had time to really evaluate what you want in a relationship (to raise a family with a Catholic wife) and you’ve realised that maybe she isn’t it.

Just my :twocents: .

For what it’s worth though, there is a time when love becomes a choice as opposed to just a feeling, and when that feeling isn’t there, you choose to love that person - every relationship ebbs and flows, right? But considering you’ve only been in a relationship since April, it’s probably best just to move on.

Lou
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Right.

It shouldn’t be this hard at this point.
 
AdamPeter said:
They aren’t always going to be “rocking your world”. Sometimes they’ll be vomiting in the middle of the night and need you to hold their hand and get them a hot drink even though you’re getting up at 6am to work. You shouldn’t be telling any lady you love her unless you’re at the stage where you are prepared to prove it. That’s just messing with their emotions.
Click to expand...
Well said.
 
MJDorry said:
I’ve been “dating” my GF since the end of of Jan., although we became exclusive in April, and I told her I loved her toward the end of May. And that was the absolute truth. However, we’re only just coming up on September and although I would say I still do “love” her, I don’t have a strong sensation of being “in-love”. I can say, “I love you,” some times when it feels natural for me to do so, but my GF says it more frequently than I. And when she says it, I know I have to respond with “I love you, too,” and I inwardly cringe.

This has been occurring more frequently in the past couple of weeks. To the point that I have to consciously make sure my face doesn’t contort when I say it. Is this normal? Was I ever in love? Or am I falling out of love as quick as I fell into it?

I’ve been in love before, and the feeling in both instances were identical, but in the first case, I just kept falling deeper and deeper for months and months before I worked up the courage to end that relationship for differences of faith. With my current GF, I fell in love, I hovered in that initial feeling, and then it started falling off.
Click to expand...
How would you define love?

it’s not just a feeling…
 
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