Falling Out of Love With Wife

[Eleanor61]

Only two points:
I think the bit about marrying to please a dying parent is BS. Honestly, why would you date someone who wasn’t a marriage prospect for six years? This is one of the problem with dating too long before marriage, a lot of the bloom is off the rose by the time you walk down the aisle.

Children are rarely better off if the parents divorce unless there is actual abuse. My life totally fell part when my parents divorced when I was 9. I went from a nice single family home with a yard to a series of not very nice apartments, and I was left alone all the time where before my dad used to take care of me. ( my mother worked or went out nights).

A marriage retreat, marriage encounter, or retrouvaille is in order here. Too much is left unsaid between you. My husband and I both come from broken homes and have been married 30 years. God Bless you. You can probably save this and improve your marriage if you really want to. The problem is you sound like you don’t.

 

[Lasting_faith]

OK. How long will it take to explain that if people don’t love/like each other there is no flipping way on this earth to change that. I am not against marriage, nor for divorce. But we can not force two people to stay together in a humanly possible way if they don’t have any “romantic” feelings toward one and the other.

A divorce is always a tragedy, but it can turn out to be the best option. Ask your self this: would you be happy as a kid if your parents would avoid each other, row once in a while (for no real reason) and one of them are always somewhere else in the house or flat? Sounds like the best childhood I could think about? (Sure.) If it would be possible to just “make” someone to love you I would be happily married now, but I am happily divorced, and my kids had a much better childhood with a step-father who I regard as a outstanding man who was the best possible choice my x ever did. So, end is well, all is well. And it is not a sin to divorce. But it sure is a sin to force someone to do, or continue to do, what he/she don’t want or can.

A divorce is always a loss but sometimes the best option one may have.

As a Catholic I do defend the marriage, as I am supposed to do, but also Catholic marriages fail. That is inevitable. I am against hasty marriages and also hasty divorces, but there come a point when there is no solution anymore. And then, for the sake of everyone and foremost the children, when a divorce is the best thing that can be done. It is easy to negotiate a schedule to who will see the kids and when as long as both parties still can be in the same room then in a court where two solicitors do it in front of a judge. I was lucky, everything did turn out fine and dandy just because we did divorce when we still were friends, and we still are friends. That is the best possible outcome one can wait for. I can’t see any reason why two persons need to live in a cold marriage that really is only front. It will not fool people for too long, will it?

It is impossible to resuscitate a dead feeling. (At least for us humans.)

We have confession for a good reason. We do sin, and we know it, and God know it. We are not “upstairs” people just because we are Catholics. Underneath the skin we look the same as a Muslim or what ever religion known to us. We have needs, we have feelings, and above all, we do mistakes. Sometime a feeling peter out, and we can only accept it. It is not a sin to fail neither. My marriage (was a disaster) was a “cold” one for a couple of years, and it was hellish. No feelings left, and yet we had to make people think we are so happy, and we did not fool anyone. As I have written before we must be Christians first, then Catholics. What I mean is that we must accept facts that we can not change. Divorced people are not something out of a freak show. Divorced people are not doing anything wrong. Divorced people are not outcasts. Divorced people are like all others. And if we really want to call us Christians we need to learn that we are not supposed to judge, and above all, we are not better then anyone else. A dead marriage is a dead marriage. R.I.P.

 

[AnneTeresa]

you do actually not promise God to stay married for the rest of your life, you make the oath in front of God. And a divorce is not a sin…

im pretty sure part of the oath is staying together through good and bad times. And divorce is a sin if it’s only because you are “unhappy”.

 

[Johanna_C]

OK. How long will it take to explain that if people don’t love/like each other there is no flipping way on this earth to change that. I am not against marriage, nor for divorce. But we can not force two people to stay together in a humanly possible way if they don’t have any “romantic” feelings toward one and the other.

It is impossible to resuscitate a dead feeling. (At least for us humans.)

(snip)

This is false. As human being with rational wills we have the ability to control our emotions and actions. One is able to change the way one feels through the way one acts and thinks. I know because I have done it.

Nobody “forced” the OP to date or marry his wife, so clearly there are good aspects of her personality that attracted him. Now he is focused on the bad aspects of her personality and his own unhappiness. That is a choice. He can change the way he acts toward and thinks about his wife and in all likelihood her thoughts and actions would change as well. His main complaint is that his wife acts coldly toward him, but given all of his complaints about her, and doubts about his commitment to her, is that any surprise? I wouldn’t feel all mushy-gushy about someone who was focused only on the negative aspects of our relationship and acted as if he was settling for me.

I speculate that the OP and his wife are in a vicious cycle, both of them wanting affection, but neither doing what it would take to bring affection back into the marriage. If these people have maintained a relationship for 10 years and “don’t fight that much” they are clearly pretty compatible. If the OP really only wants affection from his wife, he could probably get it by courting and seducing her. The OP even says that sex isn’t a problem, how may guys in troubled marriages say that? Women like giving and receiving love and affection!

The OP also says that he doesn’t want a divorce, so the people who are suggesting one are not being very helpful. I am rather disappointed that people who are self described Catholics on a Catholic forum, would jump to divorce as the solution in a non-crisis situation where the relationship is quite possibly salvageable. If one spouse were an alcoholic/addict or there was serious abuse going on or the spouses couldn’t stop fighting, then there might be a case for divorce, but in this case, I believe it is the wrong approach to even consider at this point. The OP owes it to his child to put his doubts, resentments and regrets aside.

Children are rarely better off if the parents divorce unless there is actual abuse. My life totally fell part when my parents divorced when I was 9. I went from a nice single family home with a yard to a series of not very nice apartments, and I was left alone all the time where before my dad used to take care of me. ( my mother worked or went out nights).

I have worked through more serious problems than the OP is facing in my own marriage, and I can tell you that it is not only doable, but completely worth it. It just takes humility and persistence.

 

[PaulinVA]

Marriage is a Sacrament. Sacraments convey grace.

When things are dark in your marriage, ask God for the openness to accept the grace that He gives in the Sacrament of Marriage.

 

[gracepoole]

It is impossible to resuscitate a dead feeling. (At least for us humans.)

Actually, it’s not. Anyone who’s been married for more than a decade knows that feelings of passion, lust, “being in love,” etc. aren’t always present. This doesn’t mean that a couple should divorce when these feelings seemingly evaporate – the feelings can come back. They can be “resuscitated.” It’s kind of scary to think they can’t be. Were that the case, who would stay married for life? Feelings are important – extremely important. But feelings can also follow actions. Anyone who thinks that divorce should be the natural next step after “losing that lovin’ feeling” shouldn’t get married in the first place. Marriage is a strong bond only when it’s been tested, when a husband and wife survive a low period and come back from it more in love and more committed than before. That’s a gift worth working for. I can’t say whether the OP will make his marriage work. But it is possible and to say otherwise is misguided, I think.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK. How long will it take to explain that if people don’t love/like each other there is no flipping way on this earth to change that. I am not against marriage, nor for divorce. But we can not force two people to stay together in a humanly possible way if they don’t have any “romantic” feelings toward one and the other.

First off, realize that I’m answering in the general sense and not judging your case. This may or may not apply to you. I do suspect that the pain of what you went through has made you think that it is never different from what you went through.

First: We can’t force anyone to act in a moral manner, but that does not make it impossible to do or cruel to expect. That we can’t know what principles apply to a particular case does not imply that there are no binding moral principles.

A divorce is always a tragedy, but it can turn out to be the best option. Ask your self this: would you be happy as a kid if your parents would avoid each other, row once in a while (for no real reason) and one of them are always somewhere else in the house or flat? Sounds like the best childhood I could think about? (Sure.) If it would be possible to just “make” someone to love you I would be happily married now, but I am happily divorced, and my kids had a much better childhood with a step-father who I regard as a outstanding man who was the best possible choice my x ever did. So, end is well, all is well. And it is not a sin to divorce. But it sure is a sin to force someone to do, or continue to do, what he/she don’t want or can.

A divorce is always a loss but sometimes the best option one may have.

As a Catholic I do defend the marriage, as I am supposed to do, but also Catholic marriages fail. That is inevitable… I was lucky, everything did turn out fine and dandy just because we did divorce when we still were friends, and we still are friends. That is the best possible outcome one can wait for. I can’t see any reason why two persons need to live in a cold marriage that really is only front. It will not fool people for too long, will it?

It is impossible to resuscitate a dead feeling. (At least for us humans.)

This is where your situation has lead you to an incorrect general principle. Feelings come and go in marriage. It happens all of the time. I remember very well a talk I had with a man (not Catholic) who was divorced and remarried. In his second marriage, he met with the same problems he had faced in the first. Rather than divorce, however, he got good counseling with his second wife. He realized to his great regret that if he had learned before the first divorce what he had learned before jumping into the second, the first divorce need not have happened. He said, “Always, always work your way out of marriage before you accept a divorce. I have two wives and two families to look out for and I’ve had a world of suffering to go through, and all because I got a divorce before I understood myself and the things I needed to work on.” This is the general principle you will hear even from secular marriage experts!

We have confession for a good reason. We do sin, and we know it, and God know it. We are not “upstairs” people just because we are Catholics. Underneath the skin we look the same as a Muslim or what ever religion known to us. We have needs, we have feelings, and above all, we do mistakes. Sometime a feeling peter out, and we can only accept it. It is not a sin to fail neither. My marriage (was a disaster) was a “cold” one for a couple of years, and it was hellish. No feelings left, and yet we had to make people think we are so happy, and we did not fool anyone. As I have written before we must be Christians first, then Catholics. What I mean is that we must accept facts that we can not change. Divorced people are not something out of a freak show. Divorced people are not doing anything wrong. Divorced people are not outcasts. Divorced people are like all others. And if we really want to call us Christians we need to learn that we are not supposed to judge, and above all, we are not better then anyone else. A dead marriage is a dead marriage. R.I.P.

I want to clarify here: It is never OK to commit a sin with the intention to confess later, particularly when the sin is serious. That is an offense against the Sacrament of Penance and a presumption against the mercy of God.

Also, divorce is permissible only for certain serious reasons. In the absense of serious reasons, it is a sin, and a serious sin. In those cases where it is morally permissible, however, it is not a sin at all. It can also happen that divorce happens only by the fault of one of the spouses…that is, that one simply decides not to honor their commitment, and leaves the other abandoned or betrayed. Very often, the betrayed spouse is too decent or too embarrassed or whatever to tell the whole world about their spouse’s offense. They protect the reputation of the spouse that wronged them, and keep the offense secret. This and the truth that we can’t have the knowledge of hearts necessary to know if someone who commits an act that is objectionable a serious wrong is truly culpable with regards to their ability to do better is why we cannot judge those who divorce, not because divorce itself is always some inevitable tsunami that overtakes a marriage, leaving everyone devastated even though no one is at fault. It is not that simple.

The OP has had priests tell him to hang in there. Since they have more knowledge of his particulars than we do, we ought to assume that his marriage shows every sign of being one that can be saved, given help from outside and a good faith effort from within. We should not be assuming that giving up is an advisable option for him, even if it was unavoidable for you.

 

[Phe0be]

I have been a long time lurker and felt a really need to reply to this thread overall.

I am quite disappointed by how quickly posters (including Catholic ones) used the words divorce/separation/annulment when responding to the OP

I have seen a lot of divorces and separations around me - both involving Catholics and otherwise.

Contrary to what people might believe, many of those divorces are not as a result of abuse. But over and over again I hear - " I do not love her/him" or “we have fallen out of love.” Even those marriages where one or both parties has committed adultery or turned to addiction, the general reason given by the party who has - is “I have fallen out of love”. The affair or addiction is a symptom or an escape.

I want to acknowledge the OP’s feeling that he has fallen out of love with his wife and I acknowledge that must be incredibly miserable. However I refuse to believe it can not get better. I can not pretend that in my 11 years of marriage I have ever felt I have fallen out of love with my husband - however even “good” marriages are at various times very difficult.

More importantly it is very difficult to comment on the OP’s marriage specifically as we have so little detail. One thing that is clear about the OP though is that it does not seem that he has actually ever raised the problem in truth with his wife.

Some reoccurring issues I have observed in many marriage breakdowns are as follows:

1.The failure to truly understand that marriage involves three. Many marriages that have failed have pushed God out of the marriage or left him out entirely. A Catholic marriage without God is always open to failure - because it’s foundations are unstable. If a couple has not allowed God his rightful place in the marriage, it is never too late to start.

1. People are confused as to what love is. Many of our secularised societies treat love as a commodity for self gratification. Love is perceived as romance - chocolates, roses, great sex and excitement. We are made to feel like the honeymoon phase can and should last forever. As time progresses - we start to see the negatives in our partner and many couples simply do not know how to deal with it and fall deeper and deeper into a well of misery. Many start to feel that divorce is the only way out - and secularised society endorses that view. But it is simply not true. It can change and it can get better - even if it involves a lot of work and pain.

To the OP I say go to your wife in charity and in love and tell her what you have told us and that you are committed to fixing your marriage. Trust in God, that with his Grace you can fix it. If your marriage is as you describe it - I doubt she will be shocked. I do not pretend that the road to repairing the marriage is easy and I imagine it will be painful and involve a lot of work and soul searching. You will also probably need help from a Priest and some marriage counselling and guidance.

For all of us - marriage involves three and we must all work to support those around us who are struggling in marriages by praying and through encouragement.

To the OP - I will be praying for your marriage…

 

[Lasting_faith]

Naturally I hope that the OP:s marriage will be better and maybe not end in a divorce, but it seem like both parts are lacking love. Maybe it is just for now or a thing that will pass, non of us can say what it really is all about, except for what we can read in the OP:s question. But I am also realistic, and now, my own divorce does not affect or compromise my answer or view. So, without love the marriage is dead, and who want to spend the rest of their life in a cold and dead marriage? If someone now say “well, I would” he/she need to confess one lie before next Communion. I remember more then well my last years of my marriage. No love, no affection (no sex) and no feelings what so ever. Was that something worth saving? I was not the one who did say the “D” word first, it was my x. And that was the best thing she ever told me. Sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing to do. But who am I to tell others what to do? I mean, I am divorced, I did commit adultery, and that was, BTW, not the reason for our divorce, and not so much for the “sex-part” but for the need of someone close to you and someone who would put her arms around me. So, I am sinner and you are all good Catholics, what more can I say? Oh yes, I am honest, and that seem to be a sin theese days.

 

[EasterJoy]

Naturally I hope that the OP:s marriage will be better and maybe not end in a divorce, but it seem like both parts are lacking love. Maybe it is just for now or a thing that will pass, non of us can say what it really is all about, except for what we can read in the OP:s question. But I am also realistic, and now, my own divorce does not affect or compromise my answer or view. So, without love the marriage is dead, and who want to spend the rest of their life in a cold and dead marriage? If someone now say “well, I would” he/she need to confess one lie before next Communion. I remember more then well my last years of my marriage. No love, no affection (no sex) and no feelings what so ever. Was that something worth saving? I was not the one who did say the “D” word first, it was my x. And that was the best thing she ever told me. Sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing to do. But who am I to tell others what to do? I mean, I am divorced, I did commit adultery, and that was, BTW, not the reason for our divorce, and not so much for the “sex-part” but for the need of someone close to you and someone who would put her arms around me. So, I am sinner and you are all good Catholics, what more can I say? Oh yes, I am honest, and that seem to be a sin theese days.

Who said you were the only sinner here? I don’t remember saying you were a sinner at all. The question is whether the Lord meant it when he said that it is not OK for a man to put away his wife because he’s tired of her. I think he did mean that, and I don’t see where there is any getting around it. There have been a lot of shattered people posting here over the years because their spouse tired of them, said “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel it any more”, and left. Many got no complaints until they got the news that they weren’t cutting the mustard in the emotion department any more. Others post here because they were the one who was tapped to be that “someone close to you and someone who would put her arms around me”, only to be left when the marriage they had gotten into the middle of didn’t fall apart after all. Where do they fit in your big scheme of things…collateral damage, not to be helped? Hard luck for them, isn’t it?

You did what you did for whatever reasons you had…is it really necessary to re-write moral law in order to make you feel OK about it? Either you did what was necessary, knowing what you know and we can’t know, or it wasn’t, that isn’t our business. What is binding upon someone when they are capable of more doesn’t have to be changed to keep you from feeling judged for whatever situation you were in. If you could have done better and saved your marriage, yes, it was a sin, but it is undoubtedly water under the bridge now. If you couldn’t, then you couldn’t, and God knows you did your best. Don’t get defensive, though, because some people believe and do live the idea that marriage vows really are promises and that “for better or worse” really does mean “for better or worse.” Don’t call other people liars for saying they’d stay there, because people do. They don’t need your judgment any more than you need theirs, OK?

 

[Lasting_faith]

Who said you were the only sinner here? I don’t remember saying you were a sinner at all. The question is whether the Lord meant it when he said that it is not OK for a man to put away his wife because he’s tired of her. I think he did mean that, and I don’t see where there is any getting around it. There have been a lot of shattered people posting here over the years because their spouse tired of them, said “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel it any more”, and left. Many got no complaints until they got the news that they weren’t cutting the mustard in the emotion department any more. Others post here because they were the one who was tapped to be that “someone close to you and someone who would put her arms around me”, only to be left when the marriage they had gotten into the middle of didn’t fall apart after all. Where do they fit in your big scheme of things…collateral damage, not to be helped? Hard luck for them, isn’t it?

You did what you did for whatever reasons you had…is it really necessary to re-write moral law in order to make you feel OK about it? Either you did what was necessary, knowing what you know and we can’t know, or it wasn’t, that isn’t our business. What is binding upon someone when they are capable of more doesn’t have to be changed to keep you from feeling judged for whatever situation you were in. If you could have done better and saved your marriage, yes, it was a sin, but it is undoubtedly water under the bridge now. If you couldn’t, then you couldn’t, and God knows you did your best. Don’t get defensive, though, because some people believe and do live the idea that marriage vows really are promises and that “for better or worse” really does mean “for better or worse.” Don’t call other people liars for saying they’d stay there, because people do. They don’t need your judgment any more than you need theirs, OK?

Actually, I did say I am a sinner. And yes, I did what I did for my reasons and mine only. So sorry if I wrote something wrong.

I only try to explain that a divorce, as a last resort, is a possibilty worth pondering about. We can not expect that every marriage will be “until death apart you”. Some will crumble and end in a divorce. And when there is no love, or only one who love, in a marriage that is the outcome of it. What if you would be forced to live with someone that you really can’t stand, having that feeling that “I need air” when he/she is in the same room? (I don’t know if you are a he or she so don’t be offended, I did not mean that you don’t know your gender or something) and the option would be divorce? What would you do? Think about the fact that you may have to live with that person for thirty, maybe forty years. No love, no affection, no nothing. Forty years, that is a long, but the average age for a marriage in Europe. Forty years with a person who have no feelings what so ever for you, or you have no feeling for him/her, forty years are a long long time, isn’t it? Remember, divorce is not a sin. Annulment is possible. Well, I can’t tell you what you would do. I do hope OP:s marriage will find a way to last those forty years, but in happiness, not sadness. I think we all want that, don’t we? But if there is no love those years will be a living hell. Is that we want? No, I don’t think anyone at this forum or anywhere else worldwide want. When love ends, and that happen, it is time to say goodbye.

You know, I meet my x from time to time, last at my first grandchilds baptism, and we use to hate each other and now we are good friends. We can talk, we can laugh, we can be normal again. I am happy for her happiness, and I am happy. No, I do not date, no, I am not remarried, but I am happy. I have my life, my “what I do” and my freedom to do what ever I may fancy. Why would I not wish that to others. I know I could have married again but I don’t want to give up my right to Communion, even if a annulment is more then sure in our case, in fact, our marriage was probably never even valid (she was divorced and at the time we did marrie I was still a Lutherian and it was a civil marriage) but I don’t want to tie my self to anyone else but my dog. So a divorce is not the end of the world if it is the last option and every other ways have been explored. I am now 53. It is almost twenty years since our divorce. I reckon I should be unhappy and hard-drinking guy on my way to the gutters, but no, I am happy. My x is happy. My kids are happy. My step-daughter is happy. We are all happy. I still hope OP:s problem will be history ASAP, but if not, a divorce is the best option.

 

[Imryl]

LastingFaith. That is a lot of talk about what you want, what is best for you and your happiness. I see nothing in their about what is best for your relationship with God and family. Sure in the long run wound mend, but don’t think for a moment your actions didn’t harm your relationship with God, your family and with your own self knowledge.

 

[MySoulIsWeak]

dont divorce her or its adultery

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 5:31-32

And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. Matthew 19:9

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, I did say I am a sinner. And yes, I did what I did for my reasons and mine only. So sorry if I wrote something wrong.

I only try to explain that a divorce, as a last resort, is a possibilty worth pondering about. We can not expect that every marriage will be “until death apart you”. Some will crumble and end in a divorce. And when there is no love, or only one who love, in a marriage that is the outcome of it. What if you would be forced to live with someone that you really can’t stand, having that feeling that “I need air” when he/she is in the same room? (I don’t know if you are a he or she so don’t be offended, I did not mean that you don’t know your gender or something) and the option would be divorce? What would you do? Think about the fact that you may have to live with that person for thirty, maybe forty years. No love, no affection, no nothing. Forty years, that is a long, but the average age for a marriage in Europe. Forty years with a person who have no feelings what so ever for you, or you have no feeling for him/her, forty years are a long long time, isn’t it? Remember, divorce is not a sin. Annulment is possible. Well, I can’t tell you what you would do. I do hope OP:s marriage will find a way to last those forty years, but in happiness, not sadness. I think we all want that, don’t we? But if there is no love those years will be a living hell. Is that we want? No, I don’t think anyone at this forum or anywhere else worldwide want. When love ends, and that happen, it is time to say goodbye.

You know, I meet my x from time to time, last at my first grandchilds baptism, and we use to hate each other and now we are good friends. We can talk, we can laugh, we can be normal again. I am happy for her happiness, and I am happy. No, I do not date, no, I am not remarried, but I am happy. I have my life, my “what I do” and my freedom to do what ever I may fancy. Why would I not wish that to others. I know I could have married again but I don’t want to give up my right to Communion, even if a annulment is more then sure in our case, in fact, our marriage was probably never even valid (she was divorced and at the time we did marrie I was still a Lutherian and it was a civil marriage) but I don’t want to tie my self to anyone else but my dog. So a divorce is not the end of the world if it is the last option and every other ways have been explored. I am now 53. It is almost twenty years since our divorce. I reckon I should be unhappy and hard-drinking guy on my way to the gutters, but no, I am happy. My x is happy. My kids are happy. My step-daughter is happy. We are all happy. I still hope OP:s problem will be history ASAP, but if not, a divorce is the best option.

There are times when a separation and civil divorce are the only way to procure peace between spouses, and in that case it is permissible, and no sin. My experience with other couples leads me to believe that it is a mistake to opt for that without serious efforts to avoid it. This is not just what the Church teaches, but what the experience of marriage experts teaches, too.

 

[EasterJoy]

BTW, OP, it is really urgent that you make a positive effort to re-connect with your wife. It is not enough to “not divorce” in a formal sense. That’s only better than divorce on paper, and it can be every bit as bad for your child and her chances of a happy marriage for herself. Lastingfaith is right about this: Staying around in body only isn’t much of an improvement over leaving, if you’re not doing anything to make the situation better for either you or your wife or your child. You stay in order to make a marriage of it, not just to be able to say you didn’t leave. Otherwise, your misery is not doing anyone much good, and maybe causing your family misery, too. You must do something positive, not just avoid doing the negative. An emotional divorce is its own kind of divorce, too.

In order to be happy like the couples who make you feel the absence in your marriage, you need to pursue an affectionate friendship with your wife. That will require communication and a certain amount of going out on a limb on your part. She can’t but have picked up on your reservations about her. Feeling rejected breeds feelings of rejection. Feeling apathy coming your way breeds apathy. The cycle goes back and forth, building without a word and sometimes without an intention on either side, often because neither side realizes how badly they are hiding their discontent or unwillingness to attend to the other. Why should you be the start, and not her? Because someone has to, and you can’t afford to watch your marriage decay because you weren’t willing to make the first step to enliven it.

There are things about your wife that used to delight you. Pursue those, and look to rekindle your relationship. It is better to jump in and risk bringing things to an unpleasant head than to just watch your marriage die slowly from lack of oxygen. Dying of malnutrition is just as dead as dying from direct assault, and can be far more excruciating in the end. Get some counseling for yourself from someone whose job it is to help couples mend their marriages, and get with it. You want to be happy, you want your child to have happy parents and no doubt you want your wife to have a happy life, too. Go for it!

 

[Mudboots]

Marriage is a Sacrament. Sacraments convey grace.

When things are dark in your marriage, ask God for the openness to accept the grace that He gives in the Sacrament of Marriage.

+1 !

 

[Lasting_faith]

LastingFaith. That is a lot of talk about what you want, what is best for you and your happiness. I see nothing in their about what is best for your relationship with God and family. Sure in the long run wound mend, but don’t think for a moment your actions didn’t harm your relationship with God, your family and with your own self knowledge.

I do see your point. Yes, it is a lot about my self and for a good reason. I know many divorced people but I don’t think it is right to write about people who can’t see what someone do comment about what they did and why.

Since my divorce I have getting closer to God. I am not saying I am the best Catholic but I am a Catholic who do obey the Church, maybe not always happily, but I do obey. I am not trying to tell that I am better then the rest, I am merely saying that when all other options have been tested there is only one solution left. Why? Because it is not fair to force people to love, it is not even possible. What happen when someone force another to do something this other really don’t want to? A Catholic marriage is not different from any other marriage. Most of the time it last till the end of the others life, and so should it be, but that is not always possible. If the love is gone, the affection does not exsist anymore, the feeling have faded and you really don’t know anymore why you did marry, then it is wrong for both parts to stay togheter only because they are Catholic. Why try to maintain a marriage where there are no love anymore? When everything humanly possible have been done and failed there are two options left. One is to live in a misery and coldness or divorce. Which would you choose?

 

[EasterJoy]

I do see your point. Yes, it is a lot about my self and for a good reason. I know many divorced people but I don’t think it is right to write about people who can’t see what someone do comment about what they did and why.

Since my divorce I have getting closer to God. I am not saying I am the best Catholic but I am a Catholic who do obey the Church, maybe not always happily, but I do obey. I am not trying to tell that I am better then the rest, I am merely saying that when all other options have been tested there is only one solution left. Why? Because it is not fair to force people to love, it is not even possible. What happen when someone force another to do something this other really don’t want to? A Catholic marriage is not different from any other marriage. Most of the time it last till the end of the others life, and so should it be, but that is not always possible. If the love is gone, the affection does not exsist anymore, the feeling have faded and you really don’t know anymore why you did marry, then it is wrong for both parts to stay togheter only because they are Catholic. Why try to maintain a marriage where there are no love anymore? When everything humanly possible have been done and failed there are two options left. One is to live in a misery and coldness or divorce. Which would you choose?

This is reflected in canon law (excerpts, mine):

Art. 2.

*SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152…

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Can. 1154 After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided…*

When the common conjugal life has been rendered too difficult to maintain, it can be permissible to separate with the bond remaining, as you have done. If there is no danger, this is something that ought to be done after consulting with those who have pastoral authority, so that it is confirmed that there is a legitimate cause to conclude that the duty to maintain the common conjugal life is not realistically possible.

I am sure you’d be the last person to tell someone to rush into an early exit. I know of many marriages where it has been possible to resurrect an amiable marriage with a good faith effort. You never want to look in the mirror and have to ask yourself, “Did I really make the effort required?” It is by using diligence to save the relationship that it can be concluded that a peaceful household isn’t possible. One thing your story does warn is this, though: It is possible to wait so long that your spouse is not amenable to even trying to mend the marriage. A marriage that is drifting towards disconnection and emotionlessness is not a case where suffering in silence can be presumed to have sacrificial value. It is far better to communicate, to presume that one’s spouse might also be suffering and willing to do something to improve things. The situation you described is something like a cancer in marital affection, or a blood disease. The quicker it is treated, the better the prognosis.

 

[E_7]

Love is not a feeling?
Are you kidding?!
This makes “love” sounds like you could just pick a stranger off the street and “choose” to love them like a husband or wife as an “act of will”.
I supposed a person can choose to love like that, but that sounds like a pretty miserable existence to me.
So how does one know when they have this “true” love if they don’t heed their emotions at all?
A person does have to pay attention to their feelings in life, that is what they are there for…not only to express joy and signal to us that we are aligned with something, but also to give us signals if something is wrong as well.

.

Nope. Love is not a feeling, is an act from the will, that’s pure philosophy and logic. See the Cross? that’s an act. When you die is when your soul leaves the body. If you did good and go to heaven, you will be with God and love Him, but how? Because love is an act from the will, not an emotion nor a feeling. You feel when you are soul AND body. What do we have in common with God? Free WILL and Intellect. So when our soul leaves the body, we still have what we have in the image of God: the will and the intellect. We love with our will.

LOVE is a SACRIFICE that comes from the WILL. You DO what is BEST for the other person.

For the OP,

You can have a turtle that its shell broke and, because of that, flies start to get in and start to leave eggs. them worms come out and yuck stuff. But, even though you FEEL disgusted, you LOVE the turtle. So you take some tweezers and you start picking up worm per worm until there is nothing in there. That’s an act of love.

You can feel that way towards your wife and feel very unhappy (which are feelings), but you can still LOVE her.

You know, true happiness is not a feeling. You can buy a new car, get money, or go to a party and hang out with friends and have a good time and feel happy, but that happiness is LIMITED, you grow tired of it and then you want something else to feel happy and so on. So tell me, what is HAPPINESS? It must be a good that is LIMITLESS, logical. What or who is limitless? Infinite? GOD IS.

I’m sorry for all this you are going through, but don’t feel discouraged. See what happened to Job on the first chapter? But he still loved God. Talk to her about it, God gave you her, she is yours, she is YOU. You became one flesh, talk to her while holding her hands and trust her what you trusted us, and overall keep on praying.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

 

[Jahosacat]

The only time love is a choice is when you start falling in love with someone and you decide to stay in the relationship and see what happens.Other than that, love can’t be turned off and on like a switch.

I am legally separated from my husband, NOT at my choice. The way it’s been explained to me, no sin has been committed until either one of us sleeps with a person or we marry a person in a civil ceremony - since without an Annulment neither of us could remarry in the Catholic church.