Falling out of Love

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lilly28

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I don’t know where to turn anymore. Before I got married my husband was so sweet and would bend over backwards to do anything I needed or wanted (and I the same for him), he was a hard worker and complimented everything about me. Now I never know when he is going to throw an insult or start screaming at me. I just feel like I made a mistake by being with him. But I don’t want out and I don’t believe in divorce. I just want to go back in time and fix things. I am really young and I cant live the rest of my life like this. I feel like I have been lied to. How can you become such a different person so quickly? I tried asking him nicely to be kinder to me. I’ve tried being overnice to him, I’ve tried ignoring his insults, I’ve tried yelling (which isn’t really yelling because, I am a quiet person and don’t really yell…), and more recently threats.

It doesn’t go both ways because I can be so sweet to him and cook for him, drop off snacks for him at work, make his day special and then when I am in need of something or forgot something at home he yells at me about it on the phone but will ultimately bring it to wherever I am. This is the BIG problem. He will always end up doing whatever it is that he needs to do, but he screams at me and calls me names while he is doing it, then expects me to thank him and pay him back for doing whatever it is he did. And everything with him has to be 50-50, so if I forget to do something (even if it was 2 years ago) then he can “forget” to do it too and remind me of my past mistake. And if he does something extra special for me then I have to do something for him quickly or he gets mad and threatens to take it away or said he shouldn’t have done it. It even goes this way with christmas or birthday gifts, if I get him something less expensive than his he throws it in my face and says yet again he spent more than me. Once I got him concert tickets and said that they didn’t count because I got one for him AND one for me so I spent waaaay less than him.

I feel so depressed I don’t even want him around anymore. I don’t even like it when he is near me or touches me. I’m trying to be a good wife and a faithful Catholic, and I have preyed about this but its getting worse and worse every day. He usually ends up crying and apologizing and then calling himself a jerk but, it doesn’t mean anything because every day this happens at least once. I just want to live in peace. I loved him and trusted him at one point…

I feel like it has to be me but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I am really sensitive, but I think anybody would be as upset as me. For instance a few days ago he was sitting down watching TV and I turned on his show, made him a special snack and got him a pillow. He thanked me then 30 seconds later yelled at me to go clean or something. I started crying and left then he came in and apologized and said he didn’t know why he did that. I don’t understand it, if you were sorry then why do you continue to do something like this? He admits that I am not mean to him and he doesn’t know why he treats me like this. This is every day for me. Every. single. day.

Yelling, apologizing, yelling, apologizing, insulting, yelling, apologizing…

I don’t even know what I want to get out of this but I needed to get it out. I’m so scared for the rest of my life. I don’t want to look back and see that I wasted it with this man that I don’t even know anymore. Any advice is appreciated but, I don’t talk to my friends or family about our problems so talking about them with another person is not an option. I don’t want others to know. They all think we are happy.
 
Although there are examples of saints who took frequent abuse, I believe it has to be in your constitution to take it.

I hope you continue to believe that God loves you, but I personally could not take the GENERAL lack of love and affection and respect from my wife. I wish to God that I were not part of a failed marriage, but I couldn’t do much to make it work.

I don’t have advise for you, really, but I hope you do the best you can.
 
I’m sorry you have having a rotten time at the moment. I wish I could help more but never being married I don’t know. Please don’t look back though and think it a wasted life. You will be able to see little glimmers that in time won’t look like it been a waste. You feeling bad right now and it hard to see the good things when it bad - I know that much. I wish I could suggest something meaningful for you like can you talk to the hubby about this but you probably just give a sarcy laugh right now. Tomorrow or the next day he is at work, don’t take in any snacks and don’t go in. He mayn’t say anything at all but you will have more time to do something you enjoy as a hobby. If he asks what happend to his snacks in whatever tone he uses, then you know he has noticed after all. Some of us are totally rubbish at communication. Screaming doesn’t sound much fun to hear all the time and feels bad but may be that is about him being rubbish at communication and forgotten to telll you how much he loves you too. Some are rubbish at this and take you for granted in their world. It not nice, far from it. I wish I could offer more solistis but being single I don’t know apart from I hope you got a few friends nearby that you can be you with :hug1:
 
lilly28 said:
Before I got married my husband was so sweet and would bend over backwards to do anything I needed or wanted (and I the same for him), he was a hard worker and complimented everything about me. Now I never know when he is going to throw an insult or start screaming at me. …

How can you become such a different person so quickly? I tried asking him nicely to be kinder to me. … he yells at me about it on the phone but will ultimately bring it to wherever I am. This is the BIG problem. … he screams at me and calls me names while he is doing it, …It even goes this way with christmas or birthday gifts, if I get him something less expensive than his he throws it in my face and says yet again he spent more than me.

I feel so depressed I don’t even want him around anymore. I don’t even like it when he is near me or touches me. … I just want to live in peace.

… 30 seconds later yelled at me to go clean or something. . Every. single. day.

Yelling, apologizing, yelling, apologizing, insulting, yelling, apologizing…

Any advice is appreciated but, I don’t talk to my friends or family about our problems so talking about them with another person is not an option. I don’t want others to know. They all think we are happy.
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Dearest Lilly, I am so sorry for the pain you feel every day.

I would guess that he didn’t become another person quickly… unless something traumatic changed in his life or drugs or alcohol… I would guess that this person you see today was there during your dating time…I would guess, he just kept that part of his personality hidden from you… maybe he didn’t even recognize that he was doing so… but it probably was there, just hidden… the same way as your friends and family don’t see him doing it today.

Do you know much about his parents… did his parents treat each other this way… or maybe they do, but its hidden from visitors.

It is not healthy for your relationship. You can look for help from a variety of places. Will he take time to sit and calmly talk about how his yelling and insults hurt you? If he can discuss this with you, maybe you and he can attend a therapy session together, even group therapy - a Mind Over Mood group - an Anger Management group - a Scream Free Marriage program.

He may need to work through issues of negative and unhealthy life styles he learned from his Family of Origin.

He needs to be able to communicate with you in a loving way, without hurting and apologizing and repeating it over and over.

He needs to be able to understand how he makes you feel, really feel what it is that you feel when your receive such harsh treatment from him.

I invite you both to a beautiful Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend (WWME). During this weekend you and the other couples attending will listen to three presenting couples and a presenting priest talk about a variety of topics. After each talk you and your husband will go to the privacy of your room to discuss only among yourselves. It is a very private weekend. It is designed to help you both fully understand the other. The weekend is just the start, but you will learn tools to help you every day to understand each other more and more. Hopefully, it will help him see exactly how much harm he brings the most beautiful person in the world - you his precious wife.

Maybe the tools you learn and the enrichment you receive that weekend will be a catalyst to help him with a desire to remove all the negative and harmful treatment he gives to you.

WWME is so beautiful. Pray about attending. Look at the website for the weekend closest to you. Some couples travel to another state to attend. Sign up… and Trust God to bring the two of you closer again.

wwme.org/

Peace to you and your husband - may God grant him the ability to see he must change his harmful ways of treating you, his dear wife.
 
We have been married a little over 2 years now.

Another way of explaining this is Its almost like he has to say everything he is thinking. Sometimes I can get frustrated with him but If its something stupid why bother having an argument over it. Instead he would have just told me.

For instance, if I saw him parking on an angle I would think, oh, that’s strange he should probably back up and go back in. But why criticize him? He consistently gets frustrated, with my driving, sighs loudly then will make a remark of how I parked horrible then laugh at me.

I still do love my husband, but some days I don’t really remember why, I wish there was some way for him to realize how much he hurts me. If he could switch places with me I just know he would stop treating me this way. I can tell that he loves me, its like he doesn’t realize what he is doing to us.

Maybe counseling would help, he is always just so grumpy, if he would just stop then all of this would change. He wasn’t always like this, I just want to go back to the old him. 😦
 
I’m so sorry for you… you do deserve better treatment from your husband, and I know that you will pull through this.

I agree with the counseling advice. Everyone says it, but you guys need an objective third party. My advice would be to get your husband to agree to seek counseling with you (remind him that there’s no way HE’s happy all the time in that cycle), and then find one together. If you find a counselor apart from him, it could make it worse (I think).

Lily, my wife is my best friend; but she would NEVER get me a snack and a pillow after a hard day unless I specifically asked- you sound like a real saint. Please keep your patience. Persevere. Your reward is piling up in heaven!

TM
 
very sorry to hear of your troubles during such an early marriage lilly, and you and your husband will be in my prayers, another poster did give some really good advice on seeing a priest and a counselor.

I wonder if your husband knows how you feel about the way he treats you, if he does and still continues on with the behavior that is causing you so much grief, then there is a problem that needs to be addressed, but sadly there is not much help on an internet forum, be it here or anywhere really.

Why should any one be in a position to have to feel the victim or be hurt by a loved spouse, but not being assertive can lead to being walked on time an again, be it in a relationship or at work, and speaking from work experience I have had plenty of employers take advantage of my good nature and push me around for no good reason to even harassment. And learning to speak up is hard and even uncomfortable, but if I didn’t speak up and eventually quit those jobs that were causing me pain, I would still be working for those same people living a miserable life.

Finding the right priest and counselor to help you is like trying on clothing and takes a bit of time to find the right one that fits your needs. But the good thing is they are there to help you first and foremost.

Stay strong and don’t give up and know that at least people here are praying for you and more over that Christ loves you and is with you always.
 
lilly28 said:
I don’t know where to turn anymore. Before I got married my husband was so sweet and would bend over backwards to do anything I needed or wanted…

I just feel like I made a mistake by being with him. But I don’t want out and I don’t believe in divorce. I just want to go back in time and fix things. I am really young and I cant live the rest of my life like this. I feel like I have been lied to. I tried asking him nicely … I’ve tried being overnice… , I’ve tried ignoring , I’ve tried yelling…and more recently threats.

I feel so depressed I don’t even want him around anymore. I don’t even like it when he is near me or touches me. I just want to live in peace.

I feel like it has to be me but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I am really sensitive,… He admits that I am not mean to him and he doesn’t know why he treats me like this. This is every day for me. Every. single. day.

They all think we are happy.
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Dearest Lilly,

For now, while he still clings to his abusive treatment that pushes you away from him… take time to work on yourself. Right at this moment he is not changed… You deserve to feel good, even if he has not changed. How can you improve your feelings and emotions today?

What can you do for yourself right now… this day… this whole week? I hope you can find ways that will lift your heart towards happiness even while you are living with his awful behavior.

You must take care of yourself - your whole self. Make sure you get enough healthy food, water, exercise, and sleep every day. Don’t let him rob you of taking care of yourself.

You need to be strong in all areas of your mind and body, so his poor treatment doesn’t become the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.

Look at your diet, water intake, daily exercise, daily sleep, your relaxation and recreation time…can you improve in any of these areas? Keep yourself strong for you.

If he is not interested in attending a therapy group, such as a Mind Over Mood group, go alone. The only person you can control is yourself. Today is a good day to work on improving your emotions in spite of living without the love your husband should give to you with kindness. What can you do today when you hear the screaming and name calling, and not let him rob you of peace - a peaceful mind?

If you are going to stay in this marriage, you need to be able to detach from his awful ways hurting you. (Keep praying that he will allow God to change his heart and be filled with kindness.) You do not have to accept name calling and screaming. If he isn’t going to change, you want to learn how not to let him rob you of your daily peace while he does this to you.

May you find Peace within your mind, body, and soul today. Our Lord knows the pain you feel from the unkindness of your husband’s heart. Let Him lead you to Peace.
 
lilly28 said:
I don’t know where to turn anymore. Before I got married my husband was so sweet and would bend over backwards to do anything I needed or wanted (and I the same for him), he was a hard worker and complimented everything about me. Now I never know when he is going to throw an insult or start screaming at me. I just feel like I made a mistake by being with him. But I don’t want out and I don’t believe in divorce. I just want to go back in time and fix things. I am really young and I cant live the rest of my life like this. I feel like I have been lied to. How can you become such a different person so quickly? I tried asking him nicely to be kinder to me. I’ve tried being overnice to him, I’ve tried ignoring his insults, I’ve tried yelling (which isn’t really yelling because, I am a quiet person and don’t really yell…), and more recently threats.

It doesn’t go both ways because I can be so sweet to him and cook for him, drop off snacks for him at work, make his day special and then when I am in need of something or forgot something at home he yells at me about it on the phone but will ultimately bring it to wherever I am. This is the BIG problem. He will always end up doing whatever it is that he needs to do, but he screams at me and calls me names while he is doing it, then expects me to thank him and pay him back for doing whatever it is he did. And everything with him has to be 50-50, so if I forget to do something (even if it was 2 years ago) then he can “forget” to do it too and remind me of my past mistake. And if he does something extra special for me then I have to do something for him quickly or he gets mad and threatens to take it away or said he shouldn’t have done it. It even goes this way with christmas or birthday gifts, if I get him something less expensive than his he throws it in my face and says yet again he spent more than me. Once I got him concert tickets and said that they didn’t count because I got one for him AND one for me so I spent waaaay less than him.

I feel so depressed I don’t even want him around anymore. I don’t even like it when he is near me or touches me. I’m trying to be a good wife and a faithful Catholic, and I have preyed about this but its getting worse and worse every day. He usually ends up crying and apologizing and then calling himself a jerk but, it doesn’t mean anything because every day this happens at least once. I just want to live in peace. I loved him and trusted him at one point…

I feel like it has to be me but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I am really sensitive, but I think anybody would be as upset as me. For instance a few days ago he was sitting down watching TV and I turned on his show, made him a special snack and got him a pillow. He thanked me then 30 seconds later yelled at me to go clean or something. I started crying and left then he came in and apologized and said he didn’t know why he did that. I don’t understand it, if you were sorry then why do you continue to do something like this? He admits that I am not mean to him and he doesn’t know why he treats me like this. This is every day for me. Every. single. day.

Yelling, apologizing, yelling, apologizing, insulting, yelling, apologizing…

I don’t even know what I want to get out of this but I needed to get it out. I’m so scared for the rest of my life. I don’t want to look back and see that I wasted it with this man that I don’t even know anymore. Any advice is appreciated but, I don’t talk to my friends or family about our problems so talking about them with another person is not an option. I don’t want others to know. They all think we are happy.
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Lilly,
I think it more than possible that your husband has developed a mental problem due to maybe a chemical imballance. I recommend that you ask him if he will get a complete checkup both physically and mentally. A person I know developed manic depression. A brain scan shows the difference between a normal brain and her’s. One other thing to consider has he begun drinking to excess? How about drugs are they in the picture? I hope that you will consider sharing this with your mom if you are close enough to her. I would be interested to know if those closest to you like your parents or close friends recommended against your marrying him.

Annie
 
I am so sorry for your suffering.

I was in an eerily-similar relationship (not marriage), except instead of the nastiness and name-calling, I would get the silent treatment. If I did the slightest thing wrong, showed any type of neediness for him, or just simply didn’t pay him enough attention, I wouldn’t exist for him. I too am quiet, sensitive and eager to take care of others.

My advice? 1) In the immediate, try to avoid pregnancy, if you don’t already have children with him. Your marriage needs to be on solid footing before you bring children into it.
  1. Go see a counselor. Two years of having my self-esteem shredded daily left me thinking that I was the problem. Therapy helped me regain a grip on reality.
  2. If he will go, go to marriage counseling. I am hesitant to say go see a priest, unless you know a priest that you trust and who can actually help the situation.
  3. Lastly, don’t simply resign yourself to a marriage like this. I’m not advocating leaving him, but I do advocate adopting a mindset that you cannot live for 60 years like this, and definitely cannot subject children to that environment. Marriage is a mutual act. You need to get a support system behind you, and tell your husband this is serious and he needs to address it.
Lastly, am I the only one here who thinks this guy sounds like a classic narcissist? That term is throw around so casually these days, but there are some people and situations that just reek of it. This is part of why I strongly advocate getting a professional’s attention on it now.

I prayed for you today. I wish you the best.
 
If this is a radical change from when you were dating and married him, then something else is going on. Either he’s mentally ill, he’s a sociopath, he’s on drugs or he’s drinking and is a mean drunk. People don’t just change overnight without a reason. I suggest that you see a priest, and also look into marriage counseling. Frankly, if your husband is who you describe, he needs extensive therapy and shouldn’t be married. But even if he won’t go to counseling, YOU go, because you will get help and should you decide to, you can consider separation.

I hope that you don’t bring a child into this horrible situation. You’ll be in my prayers. Please see your priest and tell him everything you told us.
 
Go to a counselor and also inquire with them about narcissitic personality disorder. The classic signs are the perfect courtship followed by a light switch change to a mean, self centered person after marriage.

I encourage you to put physical distance between you, and look to your safety first.
 
I’m sorry that you are suffering in this way. I know exactly how you feel, as I have been going through this for the past six years or so. I have been married for almost 20 years and have known my husband for 27 years. My advice is to pray much and imitate our Lord. Prayer and suffering is how we are purified in this life. It will not be easy. Everyday will be a challenge and very painful. Consecrate yourself to our Lady and she will help you. My marriage is just starting to recover from years of abuse and I think all will be well. Every suffering that is given to us is a gift from God to prepare us for His kingdom in heaven. Prayer, fasting and frequent reception of the sacraments will give you the strength to bear this cross.
 
Lilly,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in the situation you’re in. I was in a remarkably similar situation about a year ago. I even started posting on these forums for help with my situation, as you did.
By the grace of God, my husband has made great strides to change his behavior, and my marriage is much stronger, as am I as a person. There were a lot of things I did that I think were part of what helped me, and I hope that some of these will be a help to you.

-Asking Saints to intercede. I sought the intercession of St. Jude (because I felt I was in a desperate situation), St Monica, and St Margaret of Scotland (because her good example converted her husband).

-Talking to a priest and counseling: I talked to the priest alone, then sought couples counseling. My husband really fought me on the counseling at first, but since I was seriously considering a trial separation, he begrudgingly came. Incidentally, I think having a male marriage counselor helped him open up more.

-Reading helpful books: the two that I found the most helpful for me were The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett and The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. [You may want to read the latter on an e-reader, since seeing a book with that title might not go over well with the husband.]

-Being explicit, early and often: one thing I found that I was doing wrong was taking for granted that my husband understood what things he did that upset me. He and I have very different personalities, and things that upset me don’t upset him and vice versa. I use some of the techniques I learned in counseling and from the books I read to calmly explain to him why I don’t want him to do something. For instance, he generally takes insults as a challenge to prove that person wrong, whereas I tend to find them discouraging and don’t want to try anymore. Right when he starts being too critical, I say something like “When you say X I get discouraged. It would be more helpful if you said something encouraging, like Y, instead.”

-Compensating for each other: one of the problems for me was my husband not taking responsibility and blaming me for things that could not possibly be my fault. My husband has learned to accept more responsibility, and I’ve learned not to take it when he blames me unjustly. Since my natural inclination is to blame myself, I have to fight that tendency. For my part, I have discovered how much my husband hates being “bossed around,” so how I phrase my needs is important to him. It still amazes me how much better a request is received if I preface it with “I’d like it if you…”

I’ll be praying for you, Lilly, for wisdom in your unique situation and for healing!
 
Lilly, I will pray for you. St. Monica and St. Rita are great saints to ask to help you. Some suggestions:
  1. Seek counselling. I wonder how much of this is due to a failure of communication and a belief (largely on his part) that marriage should be “50/50”. Marriage is NEVER “50/50”, it’s “100/100” on BOTH parts.
  2. Marriage encounter and/or Retrouvaille. I have heard of couples who were on the brink of divorce and went through Retrouvaille and were able to rejuvenate their marriage.
  3. As the others have suggested, I would recommend that you seek medical help for your husband. A complete check-up could reveal something that you hadn’t noticed. Even small things, such as quitting smoking, or a new medication, can cause mood disorders. (It’s not just antidepressants, either - beta-blockers and some asthma meds can cause mood issues! Also, some antiseizure meds and meds for quitting smoking can cause these problems.)
 
Lilly,

the best advice I can give is to talk to your priest and work to increase your faith. As you increase your faith not only will this provide you strength and peace, but it also can bring your husband’s faith along as well. From the sounds of your posts, he is clearly dealing with issues that could benefit from an increase in faith.

One last thing, pray form him often.

You both are in my prayers.
 
Thank you everyone for your amazing advice. He does not do drugs or drink excessively. I think a lot of it is the stress he is put through (not that its an excuse). He is constantly worried about money, his job, and trying to make everybody happy. I am going to work on myself and look into all of the advice given. My parents love him and his family is amazing.

Somebody did ask me about his family though, and that brought this to mind. One thing I do notice is that he sometimes treats me like he treats his brother. His brother and him call each other names and pick on each other all the time. But then they laugh it off. They can be so cruel to each other calling one an idiot or yelling at how the other did something stupid but then they both just laugh about it. Its almost exactly how he treats me sometimes. But I don’t take this as a joke. It really hurts me.

I have talked to him about all of this gently but it doesn’t change anything. He changes for at the longest 2 days. and then right back to the new normal. I pray this changes as I want our marriage to work. I do love him, I just don’t always like him… It did feel good getting this all out though. I think if I try to take more time for myself and just busy myself with something else after one of his moods maybe he will get the hint that I wont respond to it. Something to try…

Thank you everybody again. 🙂
 
lilly28 said:
Thank you everyone for your amazing advice. He does not do drugs or drink excessively. I think a lot of it is the stress he is put through (not that its an excuse). He is constantly worried about money, his job, and trying to make everybody happy. I am going to work on myself and look into all of the advice given.
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You do realize you are excusing his behavior and taking the blame for his behavior onto yourself. If it is as you describe, this is VERY far out of normal and the occasional cross mood due to stress at work. Do not attempt to minimize this abusive behavior.
lilly28 said:
My parents love him and his family is amazing.
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Not reasons to stay with an abuser. GO to counseling to get some objective perspective. Of course your family loves him, Mr. Charming is the one who shows up when family is around.
lilly28 said:
But I don’t take this as a joke. It really hurts me.
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Which you have told him. That he does not stop doing it is a sign of something deeper.
lilly28 said:
I have talked to him about all of this gently but it doesn’t change anything. He changes for at the longest 2 days. and then right back to the new normal. I pray this changes as I want our marriage to work. I do love him, I just don’t always like him… It did feel good getting this all out though. I think if I try to take more time for myself and just busy myself with something else after one of his moods maybe he will get the hint that I wont respond to it. Something to try…

Thank you everybody again. 🙂
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I think you are trying to backpedal and minimize his seriously abusive behavior to you. Please keep your eyes wide open as you go to counseling.

Do not spend the next 20 years telling yourself this is your fault, and if you were only better, thinner, funnier, quieter, smarter, or whatever, he would be different. That is just not true.

I hope you are able to work through your issues, but if you cannot please put some physical and mental distance between the two of you.
 
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