Falling out with friend, what to do?

[CarrieH]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, CAF friends. So, I was at a small party hosted by a Catholic friend on New Year’s Eve, and a mutual friend who is Protestant was there, too. We were sitting around together and the Catholic friend and I got into a lengthy discussion of Catholic stuff. The Protestant friend, who has some self-esteem issues, was feeling excluded and all of a sudden she totally went off on us, saying some hateful things about Catholicism. I pointed out to her that she was being hostile and that the things she was criticizing (the Rosary, for starters) all had their basis in Sacred Scripture, etc., but she didn’t want to hear it. So for the sake of preventing a further scene, we changed the subject. The next day, she sent us an email with an apology, but I get the feeling that she was only sorry about making a scene, not about the nasty things she said about the Church. So, where do I go from here? I can’t avoid her altogether because we have several friends in common and until recently have been pretty good friends. And besides, I need to set a good example of Christ’s love by forgiving her. I emailed her back and told her that I was sorry that we had excluded her but that I was disturbed by some of the things she said, so maybe we need to steer clear of religious discussions for awhile. But how can I have an authentic friendship with someone who feels that way about something so important to me? Thanks for reading and for any advice. God bless.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I think you’ve got it covered. Personally, I find that my closest friends are those with whom I have a lot in common, in particular my faith. It may be that you can’t be as close with her as you thought, now that you know how she really feels about Catholicism. But consider this, if she really does believe what she said, then this isn’t new, and all this time, she was holding back from you. The fact that you have to hold back from each other doesn’t mean you can’t still be true friends, and can’t still be close, if you have other things to bond over though. In my opinion, an authentic friendship is an honest one. So it could be that now that your differences are more out in the open, perhaps the friendship will be more authentic, even if it is less pleasant.

 

[Metropolis]

I do think it was kind of rude for you all to be discussing all these deep Catholic subjects while your Protestant friend is left out. It is kind of like when my Step Dad’s family all speak Chinese together knowing that a few of us are left out and don’t understand really what is being talked about. That still didn’t give her the right to flip out like that and talk poorly of your belief system/practices. Honestly I think you all owe her an apology as well. Some things in your faith that are sacred and holy to you aren’t important to her and some things in her faith that are sacred and holy to her I am sure aren’t important to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. Just let it go and move on. You aren’t going o agree with any of your friends on everything (and frankly you can learn a lot from each other because you have different points of views). Plus you can’t really reach her and try to bring her back home (to the Mother Church) if you cut her off because she believes differently.

When my husband and I were dating I was a Protestant and he was Catholic. Through our disagreements and discussions, I became a Catholic. I didn’t agree with prayer to Saints (including the Rosary), I didn’t agree with tradition + scripture, I didn’t agree with having to confess your sins to a Priest, as well as many other Catholic beliefs. If he just cut me off because we disagreed (and our arguments sometimes got heated) I probably would have just have been confirmed in my negative views of Catholicism and probably never would have become one.

 

[LittleScoty]

Lots of good ideas and points of view have been stated already.

I would only ask this:
What would Jesus do?

And remind you of this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Hope you find guidance, comfort, strength and encouragement.

 

[CarrieH]

Thanks for your thoughts.

The problem wasn’t so much that we disagree on theology – I can agree to disagree with no problem. But she said some very vicious and hateful things about the Church and wasn’t willing to listen to our attempts to explain things. @ThyKingdomCome, you are right, now I do know where she stands, so in that regard, we can be more authentic. @Metropolis, we have already apologized for making her feel excluded, although she was free to join in the discussion, or she could have excused herself and mingled with others at the party.

I am willing to let it go and move forward, avoiding religious discussions with her for the time being, but where does one draw the line? I would be happy to have a civil theological discussion with her, but I will have a hard time remaining her friend if she starts in again spewing hatred and venom. I guess I will pray for strength and charity, and I can always offer it up if things get nasty…

 

[LittleScoty]

I am willing to let it go and move forward, avoiding religious discussions with her for the time being, but where does one draw the line?

I think that by avoiding religious discussions you are drawing the line.

 

[JRKH]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, CAF friends. So, I was at a small party hosted by a Catholic friend on New Year’s Eve, and a mutual friend who is Protestant was there, too. We were sitting around together and the Catholic friend and I got into a lengthy discussion of Catholic stuff. The Protestant friend, who has some self-esteem issues, was feeling excluded and all of a sudden she totally went off on us, saying some hateful things about Catholicism. I pointed out to her that she was being hostile and that the things she was criticizing (the Rosary, for starters) all had their basis in Sacred Scripture, etc., but she didn’t want to hear it. So for the sake of preventing a further scene, we changed the subject. The next day, she sent us an email with an apology, but I get the feeling that she was only sorry about making a scene, not about the nasty things she said about the Church. So, where do I go from here? I can’t avoid her altogether because we have several friends in common and until recently have been pretty good friends. And besides, I need to set a good example of Christ’s love by forgiving her. I emailed her back and told her that I was sorry that we had excluded her but that I was disturbed by some of the things she said, so maybe we need to steer clear of religious discussions for awhile. But how can I have an authentic friendship with someone who feels that way about something so important to me? Thanks for reading and for any advice. God bless.

At this point I would say that you have closed the door on further discussion for the time being by the comment you made in your e-mail about avoiding religion for a while.
Now - you can live with this for the time being - or you can send another e-mail expressing that you have reconsidered the matter and now feel it is important to talk about these issues.

Just my 2-cents

Peace
James

 

[EasterJoy]

…But she said some very vicious and hateful things about the Church and wasn’t willing to listen to our attempts to explain things…I am willing to let it go and move forward…but I will have a hard time remaining her friend if she starts in again spewing hatred and venom. I guess I will pray for strength and charity, and I can always offer it up if things get nasty…

You could just conclude that she has repented and apologized, and put the best interpretation on that possible. IOW, go forward with the knowledge that she regrets her rash speech and has no intention of speaking that way again, whether the discussion is religious or not.

As for religious discussions, “But even if you should suffer because of righteousness, blessed are you. Do not be afraid or terrified with fear of them, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who defame your good conduct in Christ may themselves be put to shame.” 1 Peter 3:14-16

 

[Demetra2]

You mentioned that you were at a New Year’s eve party. Is it possible that she had too much to drink and was not thinking straight and said things that she would not normally say? She is probably quite embarrassed. I would forgive her and stear clear from the topic of religion. However if she is disrespectful to you again concerning your Catholic faith I would tell her that you will not tolerate hateful comments. Be prepared to set boundaries.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You mentioned that you were at a New Year’s eve party. Is it possible that she had too much to drink and was not thinking straight and said things that she would not normally say? She is probably quite embarrassed. I would forgive her and steer clear from the topic of religion. However if she is disrespectful to you again concerning your Catholic faith I would tell her that you will not tolerate hateful comments. Be prepared to set boundaries.

Yeah, that’s what I was wondering - how much was she drinking? If she wasn’t drinking, then no excuse, she was rude but you guys shouldn’t have gotten all totally Catholic and excluded her either. At least you know what some of her worst thoughts are!

 

[CarrieH]

She wasn’t drinking enough to be drunk, but that might have loosened her tongue a little bit. Another thing is, she seems to have some anger and impulse control issues. I have seen her go off on others over fairly trivial matters, and then she apologizes and expects everything to be just fine again. So I’m not so sure that this was a one-time, never-again situation. But as of tonight, it seems that she is not speaking to me; she is not answering my texts or emails.

 

[m_crane]

Can you say word for word (leaving out personal details ) what exactly you said in the email?
Maybe the way it was worded made her think you weren’t so much sorry as trying to be defensive.

 

[CarrieH]

Can you say word for word (leaving out personal details ) what exactly you said in the email?
Maybe the way it was worded made her think you weren’t so much sorry as trying to be defensive.

“I am sorry if we left you feeling so excluded that it triggered this incident. In the heat of the moment you did say some vicious things, and while I know that you are sorry you said them, it disturbs me that you probably really do feel that badly towards Catholicism. The next step beyond “forgive and forget” is to take measures to prevent situations which could be troublesome in the future, so I’m thinking we should not discuss religion again for awhile, and maybe you and XXX and I should only hang out in a larger group for now. Your friendship is important enough to me that I am willing to work around these issues. So, friends again?”

Sounds straightforward enough to me. Am I missing something?

So now I hear that she is planning to have some people over for dinner this Sunday night, and I’m invited (although the invitation came through a mutual friend who is part of our larger social group). I asked the mutual friend if she seemed weird or anything about including me, and they were totally surprised by my question and had no clue that there was a problem between the two of us. But she still won’t talk to me herself. This same mutual friend told me that some of them had gotten together on New Year’s Day, and that the same friend who went off on me got into it with someone else at that gathering. I’m starting to wonder if she isn’t having some sort of mental-health issue and that this whole thing really had very little to do with me. And now that I think about it, she does have some medical issues and the doctors recently changed her medication, so maybe her irrational behavior and irritability are a side-effect of that. If this keeps up much longer, I’m going to ask another friend who is a nurse to talk to her about this. St. Dymphna, pray for us!