Families and Engagement

[yessisan]

my boyfriend told me he wanted to marry me two weeks after we started dating. It was eight months after we met, though. He also introduced me to people as “his future wife” three weeks into our relationship!

I forgot one thing… DH did this too… we were only “dating” but he told me w/in 1-2 wks of knowing each other that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me… I met him Oct 23, we married March 18.

Sometimes it does work out, but be weary… make sure you talk about kids, finances, religion, and other important things so it’ll save you some tears… I didn’t know DH wasn’t Catholic… my bad for not asking. He’s Mexican, and so am I, so I thought “Mexican = Catholic” (I had NEVER met a non-Catholic Mexican in my life) man was I wrong! He’s a Jehovah’s Witness/ex-Catholic… so, talk, talk, talk so you don’t get surprises like mine.

 

[lotusblossom]

Met my DH while he had a girlfriend.
A year and a half later, after having broken up with his girlfriend for a while, we started dating.
One month later, we both knew but didn’t say anything - even to each other yet.
Told my parents this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…
Two and a half months, we talked about “if we got married…”
Three and a half months, we got engaged (RIGHT after DH asked my dad for permission).
A year later, we got married .

He’s the only guy both my parents loved and didn’t think he would become a priest instead of dating me . And the only one ALL my siblings like and respect.

 

[Just_wondering]

Really??? Be careful though, you do want to have a longer engagement than your actual relationship, right? Please think about it very well if you’re going to have a short engagement. Not knowing what you get into can cause a lot of tears and/or frustration.

The soonest we could get married is October 2008, but I’d prefer December 2008 or January 2009. I’ll be finishing my M.A. in December 2008, so then I’ll have time to start planning the wedding. I guess maybe January is a little early too, huh?

Can you believe I was 24 when they said no??? My parents were worried we had only known each other for so little time. We got married w/in 5 months of knowing each other, but we’re still strong and growing stronger as a couple!

Just be sure you aren’t just doing this because it’s exciting…

I don’t think I’m doing this because it’s exciting, but we still have a lot to think about. Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend is rushing things because he needs a mother for his children, but I dismiss the thought soon after I get it.

 

[BlestOne]

The soonest we could get married is October 2008, but I’d prefer December 2008 or January 2009. I’ll be finishing my M.A. in December 2008, so then I’ll have time to start planning the wedding. I guess maybe January is a little early too, huh?

I don’t think I’m doing this because it’s exciting, but we still have a lot to think about. Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend is rushing things because he needs a mother for his children, but I dismiss the thought soon after I get it.

JW… Depends on how extravagant you are planning on going for the wedding. I planned mine in about 3-4 weeks. But with family in different countries, I am sure you will need more time. Look around the forums for some of our wedding stories and you will see we have the whole spectrum here… I had a small wedding but very formal… until the reception… we went ultra informal so that the kids would have fun.

If you think your bf is looking for a mom for his kids… tell me, have you met them yet? Can you accept them as your own? I think it is more important for you to develop a relationship with them before you even think about marriage, but that is just me. My dh and I slowly introduced our kids early on… and if I couldn’t get along with his dd or he couldn’t get along with my 3, we probably would never have continued a relationship let alone gotten married. Our kids didn’t necessarily get along with each other at first, but he got along with mine and I with his before we even discussed marriage. You may want to think about it and spend the next couple months getting to know them.

 

[Belle10]

My husband asked for my parents’ blessing and his parents’ blessing before he proposed to me. His siblings and my siblings knew too – I was the only one who didn’t know! (I knew it was coming, though it happened sooner than I expected it to.)

 

[yessisan]

The soonest we could get married is October 2008, but I’d prefer December 2008 or January 2009. I’ll be finishing my M.A. in December 2008, so then I’ll have time to start planning the wedding. I guess maybe January is a little early too, huh?

Well, at least you’d know each other for a while… that’s good to hear… But you know? I planned my wedding from Jan 18 - March 18. Everything was great! Sometimes you can get a hall booked as soon as 2 wks, I was lucky to have found it right away, but I got mad at my mother and canceled it and had decided to “elope” hehe… but then DH talked me into doing the wedding w/the family like I wanted. We had the party at my uncle’s 1 acre backyard, well, the “wedding” too since we weren’t able to do a Catholic wedding, but that was fixed a little over a yr later… long story

I don’t think I’m doing this because it’s exciting, but we still have a lot to think about. Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend is rushing things because he needs a mother for his children, but I dismiss the thought soon after I get it.

Well, you still have to meet the kids, don’t you? Would you be moving to where the kids live? Or will they be moving where you live? I don’t think it’d be because he’s looking for a mother for his kids, but then again, I don’t know your bf, so do make sure it’s not that, ok?

 

[KJLSchneider]

When did you let your family know that you were thinking of getting engaged? Or that you had already become engaged?

My boyfriend has been making proposal noises recently but we haven’t met each other’s families yet, because we both live in Korea, his family is in the Philippines, and mine is in Canada. My parents know I’m in a happy relationship, but they don’t know that he’s planning to ask and I’m planning to say yes. I would rather wait for them to meet him before I ask for their blessing. However, it won’t be possible for them to meet him for another 8 months or so. His family knows that he’s going to ask me to marry him. This week he asked me to go with him to talk to the priest about marriage preparation. It’s getting to the point that I have to talk to my parents about it. So when did you talk to your family about engagement?

I spoke to my family about it at Christmas one year (when we’d only been dating a month ). My then-BF asked my father for my hand the next summer when we were visiting, although by then it was a pretty done deal, and I knew it was coming. We were engaged for 11 months and have been married 4.5 years. The “asking for my hand” thing was as a show of respect to my father. I was 23 and had been out of college and living on my own across the country for 2 years, so we were going to get married either way!

Personally, I would caution against a very short engagement. Use that time to talk, learn about each other, and build a relationship with his children. Make sure you get some good pre-marital counseling; we really found it helpful not just for the religious aspect, but for many practical aspects as well. Ours dealt with how to argue constructively and how to understand and deal with finances among other things.

PS Since I saw your post about my siggy on another thread, I thought I’d let you know that we won’t actually name our new baby Shrimpy When we went for our first u/s the baby was about the size of a jumbo shrimp, and the name just stuck! Our DS was Chubs until he made his appearance.

 

[Just_wondering]

Personally, I would caution against a very short engagement. Use that time to talk, learn about each other, and build a relationship with his children. Make sure you get some good pre-marital counseling; we really found it helpful not just for the religious aspect, but for many practical aspects as well. Ours dealt with how to argue constructively and how to understand and deal with finances among other things.

Yeah, we’ve already decided against the short engagement, and we will go through the pre-marital counselling. I think we’ll need it - I’m about to be a wife and step-mother, and he’s been married before unsuccessfully, so we obviously need training!

Well, you still have to meet the kids, don’t you? Would you be moving to where the kids live? Or will they be moving where you live?

The plan so far is that the kids would move to us, but my bf is unhappy in Korea, so we’d all move together to some other place, possibly Canada but more likely another Asian country.

JW… Depends on how extravagant you are planning on going for the wedding. I planned mine in about 3-4 weeks.

Hmm… wedding planning. Umm… Well, I want a wedding, or at least to be married. And there’ll be a dress… and food, and people. Well, we’ve picked the country, at least. It’ll happen in the Philippines. I’m hoping FMIL will help with stuff like that - like if she can talk to the priest there on our behalf, while we do marriage prep in Korea.

My biggest fear about marriage right now is the “where are we going to live” thing. As a Canadian, I’m pretty free to travel wherever I like. I could pick any country in the world to live in, pretty much. But my bf is Filipino, and it’s way harder for them to get travel and work visas. Right now he’s trapped in a job he hates because they hold his visa. I don’t want the story of our marriage to be “and then we wanted to go to Canada, but we couldn’t because bf couldn’t get a visa, so we had to do this instead.” My aunt married a guy from India, and it took two years for him to get permission to enter Canada, even after they got married! My bf and I were discussing last night how we’d better pick where we want to live after the wedding and get the visas being processed now, even before we pick a wedding date!

 

[Just_wondering]

I thought I’d let you know that we won’t actually name our new baby Shrimpy When we went for our first u/s the baby was about the size of a jumbo shrimp, and the name just stuck! Our DS was Chubs until he made his appearance.

Yeah, I figured Shrimpy was just a “working title” until you meet him or her and introduce yourselves! I like the way you think!

 

[Brando]

Well, I was going to do it this weekend, but she made dinner and brought it over last night to celebrate the end of finals and we ended up talking about engagement and how scary it is. We talked about it for about 30 minutes, then we prayed about it together and 10 minutes after that I was on my knee in front of her proposing. She said yes immediately, and I slipped the ring on her finger.

We’re going to wait a few days to tell people, mainly just to have some time to get used to it and enjoy being engaged before we start getting all the questions about when and where. We also decided we’re going to take our time in planning the wedding and everything. There’s no real rush, because we decided that we want to spend time preparing for our marriage and getting to know each other even better before we look at a single magazine or bridal store.

 

[Just_wondering]

Aww, Brando, congratulations! That’s wonderful! I wish you and your fiancee all the best.

Now, because it’s the kind of thing I wonder about, I have to ask. If you hadn’t been planning to propose yesterday, did you have to get up and go digging around for the ring, or did you have it hidden in your pocket or something just in case you decided to propose early?

 

[Just_wondering]

Well, I finally brought up the topic of marriage to my mother on the phone today. We didn’t talk about it as much as I would have liked (we got interrupted), but I feel much better for having talked to her about it. Now that I’ve got the idea in her head, I don’t feel like I’m doing this without my family’s permission or blessing.

Honestly, I was terrified that my boyfriend would propose before I’d let my parents know that we were getting serious. My mom won’t ask me questions about my relationship; she waits for me to bring it up, and in the last few weeks I haven’t had the chance to bring it up. I was so worried that I’d say “he asked me to marry him!” and my mother would say, “what was his name again?” My mother is very sweet and thoughtful, but when we talk on the phone, 90% of it is about her life.

Anyway, even though we didn’t have enough time to talk today, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

[Brando]

Unfortunately I had to go get it, but it only took a few seconds and I did it while she was in the bathroom. Luckily I knew EXACTLY where I had it hidden so I didn’t have to dig around at all.

 

[dhgray]

When did you let your family know that you were thinking of getting engaged? Or that you had already become engaged?

My boyfriend has been making proposal noises recently but we haven’t met each other’s families yet, because we both live in Korea, his family is in the Philippines, and mine is in Canada. My parents know I’m in a happy relationship, but they don’t know that he’s planning to ask and I’m planning to say yes. I would rather wait for them to meet him before I ask for their blessing. However, it won’t be possible for them to meet him for another 8 months or so. His family knows that he’s going to ask me to marry him. This week he asked me to go with him to talk to the priest about marriage preparation. It’s getting to the point that I have to talk to my parents about it. So when did you talk to your family about engagement?

for the sake of your future relationship with your in-laws, please … PLEASE … OH PLEEAASSEE encourage your boyfriend to ask you father for your hand…then have the families meet, etc… you know what to do…(plus if you get married PI, he has to pay - Filipino ruled .
Good Luck and God Bless,

 

[pumpkinbeast]

for the sake of your future relationship with your in-laws, please … PLEASE … OH PLEEAASSEE encourage your boyfriend to ask you father for your hand…

Though this might be a good suggestion for someone from a Filipino family(I don’t know any Filipinos myself), I wanted to chime in about this. Having the bf ask for the father’s hand in marriage is not necessary for everyone, and at least in my case, would be frowned upon by my family. My father would be INSULTED if my bf asked him for my hand in marriage. My dad wants me to be an INDEPENDENT young lady who makes her OWN life choices. Therefore, to him, his permission would be meaningless, and he would probably say something like “Well, why don’t you go ask HER about it?”

Just something to keep in mind.

 

[yessisan]

Though this might be a good suggestion for someone from a Filipino family(I don’t know any Filipinos myself), I wanted to chime in about this. Having the bf ask for the father’s hand in marriage is not necessary for everyone, and at least in my case, would be frowned upon by my family. My father would be INSULTED if my bf asked him for my hand in marriage. My dad wants me to be an INDEPENDENT young lady who makes her OWN life choices. Therefore, to him, his permission would be meaningless, and he would probably say something like “Well, why don’t you go ask HER about it?”

Just something to keep in mind.

This is true, but it depends on the dad… my dad (stepdad) was not happy when I told my parents my FDH was going to ask for my hand. He said “Why do you make me do this? I don’t want strangers coming to my house. You’re putting me on the spot”. This is probably why he said no when FDH, his sister and BIL came to ask for my hand. You see, in Chile, they aren’t accustomed to this, but in Mexico we are. So my mom asked him to please do it for her, so they did. Poor Dh, he was so nervous and having heard that “no”, made him feel worse. But my dad said that he knew that if he said no, we’d still get married (which we did). So it all depends on JW’s parents.

 

[dhgray]

Though this might be a good suggestion for someone from a Filipino family(I don’t know any Filipinos myself), I wanted to chime in about this. Having the bf ask for the father’s hand in marriage is not necessary for everyone, and at least in my case, would be frowned upon by my family. My father would be INSULTED if my bf asked him for my hand in marriage. My dad wants me to be an INDEPENDENT young lady who makes her OWN life choices. Therefore, to him, his permission would be meaningless, and he would probably say something like “Well, why don’t you go ask HER about it?”

Just something to keep in mind.

it’s more out of respect for the family than anything else…

 

[duskyjewel]

He asked, I said yes, and then I told my parents we were engaged. I didn’t need their approval and wasn’t seeking it. (If that sounds rude, I don’t really mean it that way. But as they couldn’t keep their marriage intact, I didn’t think they had any right to a veto.) Just informing them…

My mom’s first response: “Are you pregnant?!” Uh, no Mom, just cuz that’s how you did it doesn’t mean everyone does.

My dad’s response: “He seems like the kind of guy who’s got his head screwed on straight.” That’s high praise.

Nearly 15 years later, here we are, happily raising 5 kids. (4 years engaged - through college, and 10 1/2 married) We’re high school sweethearts.