Family Advice

[tinamn]

I’d say it must be the time of year, but my family life has been troubled for awhile

As some of you know, my husband is an alcoholic, and I recently had an order for protection put against him at the advice of a counselor and a women’s advocate. I’ve probably not posted about my sister much, but she has had a troubled life (drugs, stealing, pathological liar, etc).

Well, as the way things seem to go for me, my sister has decided my husband was wronged just like she was (her husband filed for divorce and restraining order because she was going absolutely crazy). She’s been telling everyone she meets that I’m lying about everything I say he’s done, he’s not a danger to me or the kids, he’s “really changed” this time and I won’t give him a chance etc. She’s been helping him move, and feeding him lies about how I’m dragging my feet in getting the paperwork done for his supervised visits with the kids (he’s having his 3rd tomorrow and they’ve all been on his terms), how I’m telling everyone I see that he’s been taking all the money (I only told a close friend, my counselor, and her/my parents when they were over for dinner - big mistake on saying anything to her).

Beyond that, he is sending letters home with the kids on his visitation time, telling them how he’s doing so well and making so many changes and him being away is only temporary. This is against the visitation facilities rules, and I made a report of that today. He also told my oldest when she asked him why he wasn’t coming home that “I can only come back when mommy decides it’s time.” Which he’s also not supposed to say - it’s basically putting it all on me and making the kids thing I’m being mean and making him stay away.

I know my title is “advice” but I guess this is all really more of a vent/rant than anything. I’m feeling extra frustrated/overwhelmed because what I did wasn’t easy in the first place, plus it’s the holidays etc. I know that I need to hold firm - the changes he needs to make aren’t going to happen in a month, probably not even a year. Beyond that I know I need to cut communication with my sister (but sometimes I feel that in her case, it’s better to take the approach of “keeping your enemies close”), or at the very least not tell her anything about the situation.

I just know that she will be having him over all the time, her kids will see him and tell my kids they get to see their daddy, she’s probably telling everyone who will listen about how I’m so terrible in not giving him a chance when I messed up so bad 7 years ago. And to top it off, knowing both of them, I’m afraid it’s not going to be very long before they get… “intimate” because both of them have troubles in that area (she is not yet divorced but has had 5 boyfriends in the 18 months since the papers were served).

So maybe instead of advice… prayers, encouragement… anything really. The only people in my life telling me I’m not doing the right thing are my husband, my sister, and my husband’s family, but because of all the things he has said and the control he has had over me for so long, I just don’t always feel very strong in this.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d say it must be the time of year, but my family life has been troubled for awhile

As some of you know, my husband is an alcoholic, and I recently had an order for protection put against him at the advice of a counselor and a women’s advocate. I’ve probably not posted about my sister much, but she has had a troubled life (drugs, stealing, pathological liar, etc).

Well, as the way things seem to go for me, my sister has decided my husband was wronged just like she was (her husband filed for divorce and restraining order because she was going absolutely crazy). She’s been telling everyone she meets that I’m lying about everything I say he’s done, he’s not a danger to me or the kids, he’s “really changed” this time and I won’t give him a chance etc. She’s been helping him move, and feeding him lies about how I’m dragging my feet in getting the paperwork done for his supervised visits with the kids (he’s having his 3rd tomorrow and they’ve all been on his terms), how I’m telling everyone I see that he’s been taking all the money (I only told a close friend, my counselor, and her/my parents when they were over for dinner - big mistake on saying anything to her).

Beyond that, he is sending letters home with the kids on his visitation time, telling them how he’s doing so well and making so many changes and him being away is only temporary. This is against the visitation facilities rules, and I made a report of that today. He also told my oldest when she asked him why he wasn’t coming home that “I can only come back when mommy decides it’s time.” Which he’s also not supposed to say - it’s basically putting it all on me and making the kids thing I’m being mean and making him stay away.

I know my title is “advice” but I guess this is all really more of a vent/rant than anything. I’m feeling extra frustrated/overwhelmed because what I did wasn’t easy in the first place, plus it’s the holidays etc. I know that I need to hold firm - the changes he needs to make aren’t going to happen in a month, probably not even a year. Beyond that I know I need to cut communication with my sister (but sometimes I feel that in her case, it’s better to take the approach of “keeping your enemies close”), or at the very least not tell her anything about the situation.

I just know that she will be having him over all the time, her kids will see him and tell my kids they get to see their daddy, she’s probably telling everyone who will listen about how I’m so terrible in not giving him a chance when I messed up so bad 7 years ago. And to top it off, knowing both of them, I’m afraid it’s not going to be very long before they get… “intimate” because both of them have troubles in that area (she is not yet divorced but has had 5 boyfriends in the 18 months since the papers were served).

So maybe instead of advice… prayers, encouragement… anything really. The only people in my life telling me I’m not doing the right thing are my husband, my sister, and my husband’s family, but because of all the things he has said and the control he has had over me for so long, I just don’t always feel very strong in this.

Bummer.

Looking on the bright side, anybody who knows your sister well knows she’s nuts.

You might tell your parents that it would probably be for the best if you and your sister don’t always see them at the same time–I’m sure you’d like to see your mom and dad without your sister’s crazy at least some of the time.

Do you feel confident that the kids are safe during his visitation time?

 

[egretps]

You are in my prayers tonight for certain. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

You may need to put your sister on the need to know basis. She doesn’t need to know much in this situation. Really I understand that family is hard to sometimes sort but you are under NO obligation to keep her updated. Also, keep her unsupervised contact with your kids to a minimum. She reminds me of someone in my family.

Also, go have a mass said for your sister and your husband (soon to be ex husband maybe).

God Bless you and you are welcome to rant, you need a safe place to do so.

 

[Xantippe]

You are in my prayers tonight for certain. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

You may need to put your sister on the need to know basis. She doesn’t need to know much in this situation. Really I understand that family is hard to sometimes sort but you are under NO obligation to keep her updated. Also, keep her unsupervised contact with your kids to a minimum. She reminds me of someone in my family.

Also, go have a mass said for your sister and your husband (soon to be ex husband maybe).

God Bless you and you are welcome to rant, you need a safe place to do so.

Plus, she already knows everything, right?

Edited to add: In case that was unclear–she thinks she knows everything there is to know about your marriage and your family, so she doesn’t need you volunteering more information.

 

[Viki63]

I’m feeling extra frustrated/overwhelmed because what I did wasn’t easy in the first place, plus it’s the holidays etc. I know that I need to hold firm - the changes he needs to make aren’t going to happen in a month, probably not even a year.

I read your previous posts and am so pleased that you stood up for yourself and your children. I have an idea how hard it was, since I did a similar thing 40 years ago.
You must be very proud of the courageous steps you have taken and what you’ve achieved. Not everyone could have done it.
Hopefully now that you’ve put some distance between you and your husband, you will be able to see the situation a bit more clearly. It’s hard to do when you’re constantly being manipulated and/or browbeaten.
Stay strong.
You are in our prayers.

.

 

[tinamn]

Bummer.

Looking on the bright side, anybody who knows your sister well knows she’s nuts.

You might tell your parents that it would probably be for the best if you and your sister don’t always see them at the same time–I’m sure you’d like to see your mom and dad without your sister’s crazy at least some of the time.

Do you feel confident that the kids are safe during his visitation time?

Well, they’re visiting him at the county’s set “supervised parenting time center” with a designated person there at all times. I certainly hope they are safe; I’m not really sure there would be a safer way to do it.

My parents are fed up with my sister as well, they can’t believe after all the things she’s seen and even said about my husband, that she would be supporting him like this. And on the flip side, they can’t believe my husband is so willing to accept what she says when he’s on numerous occasions been willing to send her to jail, etc.

I ended up going and speaking with my counselor again last night. I have no idea why I can KNOW what not to do, tell myself not to do it, but still do it. And then go talk to someone knowledgeable and feel better about it all and be firmer in my resolve. I have no intention of responding to her at all about anything from this point forward.

Proverbs 9:7-9 and Matthew 7:6 are verses I was given to help remind me that it doesn’t make sense to even dignify what is going on here with a response.

BTW, what are the correct/good translations for the Catholic Bible. The only Bible I own is not a Catholic Bible. I don’t know that it’s that big of a deal for me at this point, but eventually I should have the right one

 

[pensmama87]

Continued praying for you… It’s hard to break bad habits of behavior, but the more you do it, the more you’ll form good ones instead.

As far as a Bible, Revised Standard Version - Catholic Edition, New American Bible, or Jerusalem Bible are all good and in present-day English.

 

[Xantippe]

**Well, they’re visiting him at the county’s set “supervised parenting time center” with a designated person there at all times. **I certainly hope they are safe; I’m not really sure there would be a safer way to do it.

My parents are fed up with my sister as well, they can’t believe after all the things she’s seen and even said about my husband, that she would be supporting him like this. And on the flip side, they can’t believe my husband is so willing to accept what she says when he’s on numerous occasions been willing to send her to jail, etc.

That’s very good about the visitation.

And it’s good that your parents aren’t siding with your sister. Things could be much weirder than they are, unfortunately…

Definitely don’t let your kids spend any time alone with your sister.

 

[EasterJoy]

Spend time with the sane people the Good Lord has given you, and give thanks for them. Maybe that is your parents, maybe it is Al-Anon, maybe a counselor, but probably all three and more. This situation is going to be tiring and the people in your life who are still acting like drunks (even if they are “dry drunks”) will take a lot of energy from you with their gas lighting. Give yourself credit for how hard that is, and take steps to keep yourself floating.

You are going to continue to need support through this. Be thankful it is there, and don’t forget to use it. This is not your fault, but you can survive it. Getting through it in the healthiest way you can manage is not just the best for you, but the best for your children. Keep it up, you’re doing what you ought to be doing!

 

[egretps]

In addition to the translations pensmama87 listed, the Douay Rheims is the ‘official’ Catholic Bible Traditional leaning catholics seem to like.

I have right now, 4 different translations. I love the King James with the Apocrypha in paperback, making it kinda a Catholic Bible. I’m not a Protestant convert, but being used to hearing it, I’ve found I just love the sound of the KJ. I also just bought a St. Joseph’s bible, large print. It reminds me of my grandmother’s old bible because the paper is tissue paper thin and it makes me nervous to use it.

My favorite is this one: World Student Bible: New American Bible (NABRE) / Edition 1
by New American Bible published by the Catholic Book Publishing Company. I wore one out, and I don’t read it often! I purchased a couple of sets of bible book tabs for these less expensive Bibles.

Good luck finding your favorite translation.

 

[Mummsie]

Continued prayers for you, your family, and your husband. You’re doing the best thing for you and your children.

I second Easter Joy’s advice on surrounding yourself with a good support system. Al-Anon is an excellent support group.

As for what your sister may or may not be saying to anyone, let it go. You can’t change her. The “what if’s” can drive you crazy. Been there, done that, didn’t work.

God Bless You.

 

[tinamn]

Well, here’s the latest:

On Friday he sent a letter through his attorney to my attorney. She let me know about it but I chose not to accept it. She told me a lot of what he was saying was same stuff as before - he wants to work things out, he’s changed, etc etc

6 or so hours later, I get a random message from someone I don’t know on FB. She asks me if I’m his wife. I just answered with “Why” as I wasn’t sure what it was about. She sent me two screenshots of messages he sent. He was “looking at her pictures” and thought she was cute and “accidentally” bumped the friend button. He then proceeded to tell her that I left him for someone else just before Christmas, and that he was lonely.

I didn’t say much to her, but she just wanted to know why if he was married, he’d be friending her and telling her she’s cute, etc. She said his story seemed shady and she doesn’t like shady guys, so I told her to follow her instincts.

So he wants to work things out so badly that 6 hours later he’s trolling Facebook to find women to “talk to.” This isn’t the first time he’s done that, so I’m pretty sure it’s more than just talking he wants to do.

In a way, I almost feel like it was a gift… because it really helps to get rid of my doubts when I think about how he’s saying one thing and doing another… I can’t trust what he says.

However, he got me ticked off last night/today. He submitted 5 requests for visits with the kids. 2 of them were during the school day, one was during our hearing, and one was during my 6 yr old’s tournament that she worked so hard to get into. So I declined those requests (first ones I’ve declined since this started - I even cancelled a trip we were going to take in order for him to get his visits in, and took off work to make them work).

According to him, those were the only available times in the next three weeks (I find that hard to believe), and I’m keeping his kids from him, and I’m court ordered to allow him to see them and he’s going to get me on contempt of court for not following the ruling. The papers say he is entitled to up to two visits a week, per the visitation center and my schedules, and that he may only be able to get one because they are busy.

So instead of being mature and sending back some other optional dates, or requesting that I take a second look as those are the only available options, he decided to start texting my family calling his family, and posting all over Facebook about how I’m intentionally keeping him from seeing his kids, my mom is toxic and is telling me to do all these things, etc etc etc.

When his mom called me to yell at me about all of this, I lost my cool with her and let her know that she didn’t know both sides of the story and I didn’t appreciate her deciding that I’m worthless and keeping the kids from him when, with the information I had at the time, I made the decision that was best for the kids.

Shouldn’t have done that… I know. I was able to refrain from responding on FB, or from posting anything passive agressive on my own side (I rarely post anyway). So frustrating. I guess for some reason I still thought he was more mature than all of this… it’s like he’s taking a page out of my sister’s book (which he may be since she’s playing him).

 

[Xantippe]

**However, he got me ticked off last night/today. He submitted 5 requests for visits with the kids. 2 of them were during the school day, one was during our hearing, and one was during my 6 yr old’s tournament that she worked so hard to get into. **So I declined those requests (first ones I’ve declined since this started - I even cancelled a trip we were going to take in order for him to get his visits in, and took off work to make them work).

According to him, those were the only available times in the next three weeks (I find that hard to believe), and I’m keeping his kids from him, and I’m court ordered to allow him to see them and he’s going to get me on contempt of court for not following the ruling. The papers say he is entitled to up to two visits a week, per the visitation center and my schedules, and that he may only be able to get one because they are busy.

So instead of being mature and sending back some other optional dates, or requesting that I take a second look as those are the only available options, he decided to start texting my family calling his family, and posting all over Facebook about how I’m intentionally keeping him from seeing his kids, my mom is toxic and is telling me to do all these things, etc etc etc.

When his mom called me to yell at me about all of this, I lost my cool with her and let her know that she didn’t know both sides of the story and I didn’t appreciate her deciding that I’m worthless and keeping the kids from him when, with the information I had at the time, I made the decision that was best for the kids.

Shouldn’t have done that… I know. I was able to refrain from responding on FB, or from posting anything passive agressive on my own side (I rarely post anyway). So frustrating. I guess for some reason I still thought he was more mature than all of this… it’s like he’s taking a page out of my sister’s book (which he may be since she’s playing him).

The system isn’t going to like his visitation shenanigans any more than you do–and it all demonstrates a lack of willingness to put his kids first.

Don’t cancel any events or any work for his sake (especially the work) unless your lawyer tells you to. You need to stay employed and financially solvent and as a single mother, you need all of your sick days.

“Up to” means “up to.” It doesn’t mean “at least.” Let your lawyer help you stay on the right side of the law on this one and remember–your husband is not your lawyer.

Document what he’s doing and make sure that your online and texting behavior is faultless.

You’re right–don’t get into fights with his mom. You can hang up on anybody who isn’t respectful. “I’m sorry you feel that way CLICK” or just “CLICK” is totally fine. No fights!

Best wishes!

 

[tinamn]

Well, things just continue to get weirder and weirder.

Found out last week that he has been threatening to kill my mom. Once via FB message to his VA advocate, once in person to her (with my sister present - and she said nothing to us), and once to another counselor over the phone. The advocate and counselor felt it was concerning enough to break confidentiality to contact the police. The police didn’t feel it was worthy of an official report, however… so my mom is unable to get a restraining order at this time.

Prior to learning this, my attorney and I had drafted up a temporary order to address custody, child support, visitation, etc and included in it that there was to be no contact with me. We were prepared to have that take over for the OFP, and drop the OFP at the hearing today.

Well, that changed after I learned about the threats. The hearing was continued today as neither of our lawyers could be present. I also went to the sheriff with all the different contacts he has made with me - we felt it was best that if we were moving forward with the order that the courts know about everything. They did file a report and the county attorney could charge him with a violation of the order. I am a little concerned about that, as he will be able to get out of jail with bail, so he may be super ticked off at that point.

I am still firm, if not more than ever, in my resolve of what needs to happen.

I am however struggling quite a bit with the idea that I basically brought this awfulness onto my family. And also that, well I guess I wasn’t “good enough” and my kids weren’t/aren’t reason enough to give him what he needs to stop. There have been a lot of things in my life where I didn’t feel like I quite fit in, wasn’t quite good enough, and now I get to add marriage to that.

I guess this is the emotional part that my counselor warned me was likely going to show up but I thought I was going to be able to avoid. The part where when someone asks me how I’m doing, I can’t honestly say “Good, considering…” but I don’t really care to answer honestly because I’d rather just go find a quiet place to cry in. Ha. Emotional basket case… that may be a good description of me right now.

 

[Lou2U]

:hug1: I don’t have any advice for you, but you are doing exactly the right thing. You have done nothing wrong - he made his choices, and he is the only one responsible for his actions.

You are not a failure. You are protecting your family, your children, your mother, and you are protecting yourself. He is hurting himself, as well as you and your family. It’s normal to feel like you do, but you are not at fault, at all. One day you will look back at this and you’ll not only know, you’ll feel that everything you did, you did right. And that everything you are not is a failure. Stay strong.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

Well, things just continue to get weirder and weirder.

Found out last week that he has been threatening to kill my mom. Once via FB message to his VA advocate, once in person to her (with my sister present - and she said nothing to us), and once to another counselor over the phone. The advocate and counselor felt it was concerning enough to break confidentiality to contact the police. The police didn’t feel it was worthy of an official report, however… so my mom is unable to get a restraining order at this time.

Prior to learning this, my attorney and I had drafted up a temporary order to address custody, child support, visitation, etc and included in it that there was to be no contact with me. We were prepared to have that take over for the OFP, and drop the OFP at the hearing today.

Well, that changed after I learned about the threats. The hearing was continued today as neither of our lawyers could be present. I also went to the sheriff with all the different contacts he has made with me - we felt it was best that if we were moving forward with the order that the courts know about everything. They did file a report and the county attorney could charge him with a violation of the order. I am a little concerned about that, as he will be able to get out of jail with bail, so he may be super ticked off at that point.

I am still firm, if not more than ever, in my resolve of what needs to happen.

I am however struggling quite a bit with the idea that I basically brought this awfulness onto my family. And also that, well I guess I wasn’t “good enough” and my kids weren’t/aren’t reason enough to give him what he needs to stop. There have been a lot of things in my life where I didn’t feel like I quite fit in, wasn’t quite good enough, and now I get to add marriage to that.

I guess this is the emotional part that my counselor warned me was likely going to show up but I thought I was going to be able to avoid. The part where when someone asks me how I’m doing, I can’t honestly say “Good, considering…” but I don’t really care to answer honestly because I’d rather just go find a quiet place to cry in. Ha. Emotional basket case… that may be a good description of me right now.

I’m sure when you were dating, your husband wasn’t clearly labeled “alcoholic psychopath–contents under pressure.”

We don’t expect people we love to act like this.

This isn’t your fault. Keep yourself and your kids safe–if you manage that, you’re doing really well.

 

[egretps]

Well, things just continue to get weirder and weirder.

I am still firm, if not more than ever, in my resolve of what needs to happen.

I am however struggling quite a bit with the idea that I basically brought this awfulness onto my family. And also that, well I guess I wasn’t “good enough” and my kids weren’t/aren’t reason enough to give him what he needs to stop. There have been a lot of things in my life where I didn’t feel like I quite fit in, wasn’t quite good enough, and now I get to add marriage to that.

I guess this is the emotional part that my counselor warned me was likely going to show up but I thought I was going to be able to avoid. … Ha. Emotional basket case… that may be a good description of me right now.

The time you are going through is the Emotional Basket. You are not a ‘basket case’. You are living through a difficult and very stressful time. Divorce between two fairly amicable people is hard.

BTW, those feelings of ‘not being good enough’ tell them they aren’t paying rent so they need to leave. Really, you and your kids are precious. Many people, me included, have had times, sometimes too many, where we feel we don’t fit in. Sometimes, it’s actually true and you are being guided away from a bad situation. But I’ve begun to believe it is just a lie. A lie to keep you from taking part and living fully in your life and blessing those people around you with the gifts God has given you to share. Your laugh, your insight, your (name removed by moderator)ut. The world needs it.

You can hand your marriage or what you hoped would be a marriage over to God, but get this legal stuff done. Press on. Later, maybe ask the diocese to determine if it really was a marriage, because imho I don’t think so with this sort of behavior and history.

If by some miracle you and your husband reconcile into a healthy and happy life together, we can all celebrate.

You and your whole family are in my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[tinamn]

I’m sure when you were dating, your husband wasn’t clearly labeled “alcoholic psychopath–contents under pressure.”

We don’t expect people we love to act like this.

This isn’t your fault. Keep yourself and your kids safe–if you manage that, you’re doing really well.

He may not have had a label, but the signs were there, and we only dated for 6 months before getting married. I guess as I struggled with not feeling liked I belonged, the first person who was seriously interested in my was who I got married to because I thought for once I belonged.

I was adopted. I never really thought about it before, but that may be a deeper reason for some of these feelings. I love my family, but I didn’t really feel like I fit in with them from the start. I did a lot of things my parents wanted me to do because I thought it was right, but I never felt like I fit in because I wasn’t doing what was right for me. I don’t really have regrets in that regard, because it’s not like they forced me to do terrible things, or that I ended up absolutely hating them. My sister, even with the trouble she has been in, has always been the pretty, thin, blonde-haired blue-eyed social butterfly of the family, and I was the mousy, complete opposite introvert that preferred to have my nose stuck in a book I’m ok with who I am in that regard though. Losing a few pounds would be super cool though, after 4 kids, haha!

 

[Trident_H]

I so seriously wish I could help. I so do.

But at the same time I want you to know I’m really proud of you for taking this hard road and going this distance on it. I really want you to know that.

:console:

Peace tinamn.

-Trident