Family and Christmas

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DarkLight

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It’s getting close to time to start planning Christmas vacation. Here’s the deal: I do want to see my family around Christmas, especially my grandparents who are in poor health. That said, I adamantly do not want to be there ON Christmas day. I want to be able to go to Mass and celebrate with my own church, not be dragged to hers.

I have not told her I’m Catholic. I see nothing productive coming from that conversation - she’s set her mind that I can have nothing intelligent to say on such matters. I do not wish to be lectured. That said, I’m having a very hard time justifying coming down without going on Christmas. She pays for plane tickets, as I could never afford them.

I’m not sure what to do here. I want to see my grandparents while they’re still alive. I want to go to Christmas Mass. And I want to avoid making the holidays a huge storm about how “disrespectful” I am, especially since if Mom tells the family I’m being rude they’ll be after me too. What can I do here?
 
Are you able to go after mass? My family and I always go to midnight mass at our parish then get up on Christmas morning and drive to my folks house.
 
aeroengr said:
Are you able to go after mass? My family and I always go to midnight mass at our parish then get up on Christmas morning and drive to my folks house.
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That doesn’t work so well with airplanes. And even if it did it would be a big matter of my not being home on Christmas, since a flight out wouldn’t get me there until quite late.
 
you could go to midnight mass at a parish near your family and then go to their church in the morning. and you should let them know that you are catholic. let them know that you are sincere in your beliefs and you respect their beliefs and wish for them to give you the same respect with yours.
 
I don’t see how you are being disrespectful choosing to go to a different church. 🤷 Maybe I’m just stubborn, but I would tell them that they are the ones being disrespectful if they started harping on me. Are you needing transportation to Mass? Maybe you could contact the nearest parish, tell them what’s going on, and see if some kind person could pick you up.
 
DarkLight said:
I want to be able to go to Mass and celebrate with my own church, not be dragged to hers.
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Now, when you say “my own church,” do you mean your home parish or do you just mean a Catholic church as opposed to a non-Catholic one? If it’s the latter, then I’m sure that there must be some way to arrange transportation to the Christmas Eve vigil mass before politely sitting through her service the next morning. That way you can go mass and spend time with Grandma.
If it’s the former (as your comment about needing an airplane to get there might indicate), then I think you’re being unreasonable. The mass will be the same in a parish in your grandmother’s area as it would be in your home parish. The liturgy is the same. The Eucharist is the same. i can see no reason for you to object to attending mass at a parish that isn’t your own.
 
I’m not sure that there is a good answer in this situation, the reason being that you are financially dependent on her to pay for the flight. The only thing I can think of is maybe renting a car for the time you are visiting? That way, if you don’t feel comfortable telling your family you are Catholic, you can tell them you are going out, go to Mass on Christmas Eve, and still be able to spend time with everyone on Christmas.
 
Gia_B said:
Now, when you say “my own church,” do you mean your home parish or do you just mean a Catholic church as opposed to a non-Catholic one? If it’s the latter, then I’m sure that there must be some way to arrange transportation to the Christmas Eve vigil mass before politely sitting through her service the next morning. That way you can go mass and spend time with Grandma.
If it’s the former (as your comment about needing an airplane to get there might indicate), then I think you’re being unreasonable. The mass will be the same in a parish in your grandmother’s area as it would be in your home parish. The liturgy is the same. The Eucharist is the same. i can see no reason for you to object to attending mass at a parish that isn’t your own.
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I’d really like to attend at my home parish. I’d like to be able to worship and enjoy my Christmas holidays. Why is that unreasonable? I have friends there who actually support me in my faith and my life in general, something my own family has never been able to be bothered to do. And I don’t want to be dragged to some church so I can be lectured on my evil ways of worshiping statues and not believing in the bible.

Edit: Also there’s a good chance there’s no parish near my grandparents, if we end up down there, that has a vigil service. I’m not even sure how far I’d have to drive to get to a Catholic church but it’s probably well over an hour.
 
DarkLight said:
I’d really like to attend at my home parish. I’d like to be able to worship and enjoy my Christmas holidays. Why is that unreasonable? I have friends there who actually support me in my faith and my life in general, something my own family has never been able to be bothered to do. And I don’t want to be dragged to some church so I can be lectured on my evil ways of worshiping statues and not believing in the bible.

Edit: Also there’s a good chance there’s no parish near my grandparents, if we end up down there, that has a vigil service. I’m not even sure how far I’d have to drive to get to a Catholic church but it’s probably well over an hour.
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If your family has never supported your “life in general,” why would you want to celebrate any holiday with them? :confused:
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
If your family has never supported your “life in general,” why would you want to celebrate any holiday with them? :confused:
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It’s complicated. I do want to see my grandparents while they’re still here, which will not be much longer. And I do love my father, and even my mother somewhat. I’d like to give them some chance. But unfortunately my mother’s temper tends to overwhelm everything, and once she’s mad everyone assumes it’s my fault for making her mad. And I don’t want to keep tiptoeing around her telling her what she wants to hear, just because she thinks I’m being “disrespectful” and “mean” every time I don’t act how she wants. She’s determined that I’m a rebellious teenager that she has to set straight, and nothing I say or do other than “yes you’re completely right mother I’m so sorry I ever disagreed” will change that.
 
How about calling her and discussing everything over the phone? It is probably better to tell her that you are a Catholic now rather than waiting until you get there.
 
DarkLight said:
I have not told her I’m Catholic. I see nothing productive coming from that conversation - she’s set her mind that I can have nothing intelligent to say on such matters. I do not wish to be lectured. That said, I’m having a very hard time justifying coming down without going on Christmas. She pays for plane tickets, as I could never afford them.
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Will your family not pay if you come to visit if you wait until the day after Christmas to visit?

You are looking at this as a Catholic problem. But that’s not really the case. This is an adult child problem. Adults cannot always plan their visits to family according the calendar. Sometimes the adult child will have work responsibilities. Sometimes the adult child will have plans with other people. Sometimes the adult child may have plans with the Church or a charity. (This is a problem that many young newlyweds run into. Both sets of parents think the young couple should spend holidays with THEM to the exclusion of the in-laws.)

Well, here’s your introduction into adulthood. You will disappoint family members when you don’t make your holiday plans revolve around them.

If religion is too much of a problem right now then make the problem something else. Volunteer to work on Christmas Eve so another employee can have the day off. Or find a food pantry or other such organization and make plans to spend Christmas day there (after attending Mass, of course.) Then plan to visit your family the day after, or the weekend after Christmas. Or visit for New Years day. (It might be easier to get away to go to Mass then than on Christmas.)
 
I somehow doubt a Catholic church is an hour away. My daughter was in Germany with my dad this summer and I was able to find her a Mass through the internet at everyplace they were, most were no more than ten minutes away. I think it would make a better impression of your faith to your entire family (since your mother is unchangeable at least the rest of the family will see the truth) if you go and go to Mass wherever you are. Offer it up as a a sacrifice and do it with a smile.
thecatholicdirectory.com/
 
SMHW said:
Will your family not pay if you come to visit if you wait until the day after Christmas to visit?

You are looking at this as a Catholic problem. But that’s not really the case. This is an adult child problem. Adults cannot always plan their visits to family according the calendar. Sometimes the adult child will have work responsibilities. Sometimes the adult child will have plans with other people. Sometimes the adult child may have plans with the Church or a charity. (This is a problem that many young newlyweds run into. Both sets of parents think the young couple should spend holidays with THEM to the exclusion of the in-laws.)

Well, here’s your introduction into adulthood. You will disappoint family members when you don’t make your holiday plans revolve around them.

If religion is too much of a problem right now then make the problem something else. Volunteer to work on Christmas Eve so another employee can have the day off. Or find a food pantry or other such organization and make plans to spend Christmas day there (after attending Mass, of course.) Then plan to visit your family the day after, or the weekend after Christmas. Or visit for New Years day. (It might be easier to get away to go to Mass then than on Christmas.)
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You’re probably right there. I’d be more willing to be flexible about finding a Mass down there if I didn’t know that my mother was going to make it into a nightmare. I’d like to enjoy a holiday, thank you very much, not spend my precious little time off from grad school’s brutal schedule pacifying someone who is determined to find fault with my life because she still thinks I’m a rebellious kid. Rebellious - I’ve come to hate that term, it seems to be another way to make my life all about her.

I guess the biggest issue here is which storm do I take and how do I weather it without throwing my health out the window from dealing with her.
 
rayne89 said:
I somehow doubt a Catholic church is an hour away. My daughter was in Germany with my dad this summer and I was able to find her a Mass through the internet at everyplace they were, most were no more than ten minutes away. I think it would make a better impression of your faith to your entire family (since your mother is unchangeable at least the rest of the family will see the truth) if you go and go to Mass wherever you are. Offer it up as a a sacrifice and do it with a smile.
thecatholicdirectory.com/
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Last time I was down there the nearest church of any sort at all was 30min away. And it’s not exactly an area that’s fond of Catholics (I don’t even know what my grandfather would say, he’s never mentioned Catholicism but he’s got plenty of good old boy prejudices). The grocery store is 45min, even!
 
Let’s see now. Sorry, but we can’t make it for Christmas this year as we have some other plans.

Maybe we could come at another time.
 
Bell(name removed by moderator) said:
Offer to come visit for New Years.
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Usually she wants me for both - the idea is to come down and spend a week there, since we don’t have the money to fly me out more than once a year.

Trouble is I’m having a hard time coming up with “other plans” to have for that time. She knows I’m out here by myself, she doesn’t think I should be going to parties, and she knows I don’t work then.
 
“Trouble is I’m having a hard time coming up with “other plans” to have for that time. She knows I’m out here by myself, she doesn’t think I should be going to parties, and she knows I don’t work then.”

You’re a grad student and (hopefully) an adult. Just ask if such-and-such days are convenient and explain that you are Catholic now, and if you are visiting on a weekend, you will need to attend either the Saturday vigil Mass or a Sunday Mass, and if you are there over Christmas, you’ll need to go to a Mass for that, too. (And do your research about Mass times beforehand, of course.)

You’ll have to have this conversation eventually. Why not now?
 
Xantippe said:
“Trouble is I’m having a hard time coming up with “other plans” to have for that time. She knows I’m out here by myself, she doesn’t think I should be going to parties, and she knows I don’t work then.”

You’re a grad student and (hopefully) an adult. Just ask if such-and-such days are convenient and explain that you are Catholic now, and if you are visiting on a weekend, you will need to attend either the Saturday vigil Mass or a Sunday Mass, and if you are there over Christmas, you’ll need to go to a Mass for that, too. (And do your research about Mass times beforehand, of course.)

You’ll have to have this conversation eventually. Why not now?
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Honestly? Because as much as I want this, I know what the actual result is. I’m not strong enough to stand for a week of bullying and come out unscathed. And that’s what it’ll be if I tell her, the next time I go down. I can’t afford my little time off to be spent dealing with that from her. I don’t want to abandon the rest of my family at a time when I know I might not see some of them again, but I don’t want to pay the consequences for her behavior. And the way the situation is, I pay the consequences for her bad behavior if I tell her.
 
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