Family and dh advice needed

[Kfrog]

This is a long story but I will try to keep it short.I really need some Godly advice in dealing with problems between my parents and my husband.
First off, I am a people pleaser who hates conflict. My parents are very negative, controlling people, who find fault in anything and everyone. They’ve never liked my dh, we have been married 15 years.

Dh can be very blunt and is not much for conversation, especially politics which is where every conversation leads with my parents. For the last year I have just kept them seperated. I make the mistake of telling dh what they say over the phone to me, which makes him upset. They tend to question every decision we make and I try to justify our reasons for doing things. The last time our dc spent a week there, they complained about us to our dc, and told them they probably shouldnt tell us what they said. Ds 13 was upset and told us anyway, we told him its ok he told because they shouldn’t have put himin that position.

Unbeknown to me, dh wrote parents a letter telling them they sre not welcome in our home and the dc are not allowed to stay there due to their disrespect. He told them I can still visit them but he will not. Parents called me up extremely upset and I was dumbfounded because dh never told me what he did. I feel so stuck in the middle, from both sides. What shoukd I do?

 

[Michael57]

Pray. Seek God. Love your family.

From the way you describe it, it sounds like you have contributed a fair bit to the situation. But I could be wrong.

Allow time to pass to let heated tempers cool down.

Then:

Pray. Seek God. Love your family.

All of them.

 

[1ke]

stop being a people please, stand up. You are a grown woman, and your parents will have to learn to accept boundaries-- better late than never.

 

[Kfrog]

Pray. Seek God. Love your family.

From the way you describe it, it sounds like you have contributed a fair bit to the situation. But I could be wrong.

Allow time to pass to let heated tempers cool down.

Then:

Pray. Seek God. Love your family.

All of them.

Yes, I am a big part of the problem. I avoid confrontations, and my whole life I worried so much about what my parents think of me. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Kfrog]

stop being a people please, stand up. You are a grown woman, and your parents will have to learn to accept boundaries-- better late than never.

I guess I dont really know HOW to stop being a people pleaser…Im also not sure where the boundaries are between them and dh. I feel like they both are in the wrong, and both are too stubborn to see the other side.

 

[RoseMary131]

I guess I dont really know HOW to stop being a people pleaser…Im also not sure where the boundaries are between them and dh. I feel like they both are in the wrong, and both are too stubborn to see the other side.

I would say you need to decide where your boundaries are with your parents.

What kinds of things are you willing to listen to them say to you? What types of questions are you willing to answer when they ask?

You know they pick apart your dh. You know they pick apart decisions you tell them about.

Stop telling them things they will pick apart.

Do not answer what you do not want to share. If they will pick it apart, then do not share it.

You do not need to justify your reasons for your decisions. They are your decisions, decisions of your husband, or made together. You two are adults who can make your own decisions. They do not need to be shared with controlling parents or anyone. The decisions do not and should not be justified.

You set your boundaries.

It sounds as if your dh set some physical boundaries and he has a right to do so. He decided that your parents can not come to your home and the dc can not go to their home.

Your parents crossed the boundaries he had set for himself - not to have someone disrespect him and you to his (your) children. He may not have even thought about setting that boundary up… but when he noticed how he felt… he noticed a “boundary” was crossed… and he set up rules to protect that boundary from being crossed by them again with his (your) children.

I’m sure he did not tell you he was sending the letter that set up the new boundaries because you would have tried to stop him.

You do not have to be a people pleaser.

Take time to calmly think through this situation. Come up with a solution with your husband. Remember that he has been disliked by your parents for over 15 years. Now, they tell your children things that grandparents should not say - things that can drive a wedge between children and their parents.

Thank goodness your dc spoke up. Now, what will your parents think about that grandchild? Does your child need to worry what grandma and grandpa are going to say? Will your child have to be a people pleaser to be their grandchild?

I’m so sorry you are so pulled apart today. I bet you can feel “free” when you stop justifying your life to your parents. You will feel “free” when you realize your gut feelings - your boundaries to live by.

May God give you peace this evening and guide you in forming a peaceful home within your house - not worried about “pleasing” everyone - peace with your husband and children.

 

[Kelfa28]

I guess I dont really know HOW to stop being a people pleaser…Im also not sure where the boundaries are between them and dh. I feel like they both are in the wrong, and both are too stubborn to see the other side.

Where is TRJ when you need her?

I hope I’m not stealing her thunder…but she always recommends this book…and rightly so, it’s a great book.

Boundaries

 

[PennyinCanada]

My parents are very negative, controlling people, who find fault in anything and everyone. They’ve never liked my dh, we have been married 15 years.

Unbeknown to me, dh wrote parents a letter telling them they sre not welcome in our home and the dc are not allowed to stay there due to their disrespect. He told them I can still visit them but he will not. Parents called me up extremely upset and I was dumbfounded because dh never told me what he did. I feel so stuck in the middle, from both sides. What shoukd I do?

First of all, I didn’t have parents or in-laws like that so it’s not like I’m an expert. My thoughts being married is that I need to deal with my family, he needs to deal with his. I have learned so much from (don’t laugh now, I’m serious) Cesar Milan as the Dog Whisperer. 1) Basically, don’t reward behavior you don’t want. 2) Set up rules, boundaries, and limitations. 3) Be calm but firm. Your husband has now set up the rules, boundaries and limitations since you were having trouble with knowing how to do so. If your child was having a temper tantrum in a store over a toy, would you buy the toy so he would stop making a scene? You are rewarding the unwanted behavior. Is this how you’ve been dealing with your parents since you’ve been married?

They tend to question every decision we make and I try to justify our reasons for doing things.

It’s none of their business or their place to comment on what your husband and you decide as a couple. You do not need to justify your reasons. Try to think of a neutral comment you can use that can be applied. Let’s say, “you’ve had your chance to raise your family and learn from your mistakes, it’s our turn now to do the best we can, and learn as we go. Let’s change the subject…” and ask a question about something going on in their life. “I see you’re upset. Give me a call when you’ve calmed down. Talk later!” and hang up. You aren’t on this planet to make them happy. Support your husband’s decision, and the worst is that they will yell and have a temper tantrum. Let them. Hang up and talk to them when they are calmed down. There are some new rules, and there should be!

Give your husband a hug and a kiss tonight and thank him for taking over the duty that was yours to handle. I’m sure these years have been difficult. I know if my in-laws were criticizing me, I would want my husband to stand up to them right then and there, and not take years to do it. It must have been very hurtful to him to not have you put a stop to this nonsense.

God bless and strengthen you today!

 

[underacloud]

As others have addressed, your husband has needed to set this boundary because you would not.

Has he gone too far without consulting you? Yes, I think so. I would never write to my wife’s family in such a manner without discussing it with her. But, it is done now and I think you need to stand firmly on your husband’s side. He is doing this to protect your family and especially your children. It is likely that your husband will not want to soften his stance unless an apology is forthcoming, and based on what you’ve described an apology is owed. You should be as clear as necessary on this with your parents. As others have suggested, work with your husband on a solution to this, not as a go-between trying to appease everyone. And in the meantime, honor the boundary that he has put in place.

 

[bre]

God bless

 

[Musician]

Your husband did the right thing. Back him up 100%.

 

[Kfrog]

As others have addressed, your husband has needed to set this boundary because you would not.

Has he gone too far without consulting you? Yes, I think so. I would never write to my wife’s family in such a manner without discussing it with her. But, it is done now and I think you need to stand firmly on your husband’s side. He is doing this to protect your family and especially your children. It is likely that your husband will not want to soften his stance unless an apology is forthcoming, and based on what you’ve described an apology is owed. You should be as clear as necessary on this with your parents.

Thank you for your response. It has been a rough couple days for me emotionally, but I have stuck by dh. He said he realizes he was wrong in how he went about it behind my back, but he felt he could stay silent no longer. Im not sure what my relationship with my parents will be like now…but Ive felt for a long time now that Im tired of their negative, controlling ways. Anyway thanks again

 

[Kfrog]

First of all, I didn’t have parents or in-laws like that so it’s not like I’m an expert. My thoughts being married is that I need to deal with my family, he needs to deal with his. I have learned so much from (don’t laugh now, I’m serious) Cesar Milan as the Dog Whisperer. 1) Basically, don’t reward behavior you don’t want. 2) Set up rules, boundaries, and limitations. 3) Be calm but firm. Your husband has now set up the rules, boundaries and limitations since you were having trouble with knowing how to do so. If your child was having a temper tantrum in a store over a toy, would you buy the toy so he would stop making a scene? You are rewarding the unwanted behavior. Is this how you’ve been dealing with your parents since you’ve been married?

It’s none of their business or their place to comment on what your husband and you decide as a couple. You do not need to justify your reasons. Try to think of a neutral comment you can use that can be applied. Let’s say, “you’ve had your chance to raise your family and learn from your mistakes, it’s our turn now to do the best we can, and learn as we go. Let’s change the subject…” and ask a question about something going on in their life. “I see you’re upset. Give me a call when you’ve calmed down. Talk later!” and hang up. You aren’t on this planet to make them happy. Support your husband’s decision, and the worst is that they will yell and have a temper tantrum. Let them. Hang up and talk to them when they are calmed down. There are some new rules, and there should be!

Give your husband a hug and a kiss tonight and thank him for taking over the duty that was yours to handle. I’m sure these years have been difficult. I know if my in-laws were criticizing me, I would want my husband to stand up to them right then and there, and not take years to do it. It must have been very hurtful to him to not have you put a stop to this nonsense.

God bless and strengthen you today!

Thank you, your response has really helped.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Thank you, your response has really helped.

Thank you for saying so. How has the last couple of days gone?

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess I dont really know HOW to stop being a people pleaser…I’m also not sure where the boundaries are between them and dh. I feel like they both are in the wrong, and both are too stubborn to see the other side.

It takes a certain amount of expecting that people are going to lose their cool, which is unfortunate but does not end the world. When you were little, you didn’t know that. As a parent, though, you undoubtedly had to learn not to let tantrums sway you. It is not that you are aiming to stop being a kind or patient person! It is that you are aiming to stop encouraging people to manipulate you with their bad behavior. It isn’t your fault that they do that, no matter what you do, but perhaps it presents them with less of a near occasion of sin if they aren’t tempted to think it will get them what they want.

Here is the thing to expect, though: People who have manipulated you (or others, because it is not as if you taught your parents they could profit by acting this way!) with emotional outbursts and other tactics will ramp up their efforts when you finally draw the line. It is very important to stand your ground, because if you reward their behavior after a brief resistance it will be that much harder to get them to stop later. The best way to stop habitual behavior is to suddenly and completely stop rewarding it. If you gradually stop rewarding it, they become like players of the slot machines, always thinking that one more ploy might get you to cave in.

Whatever you do, though, don’t punish yourself for the way your parents are. Children do not mold their parents into tyrants. It works the other way. You started with a particular temperament, and the way others treated you later helped to mold you to what you are now What is your problem is what to do about these unprofitable strategies you were taught in the past not to punish yourself that you have those habitual strategies