T
technatrix
Guest
I’ve been wrestling with a difficult decision lately and I feel like I need to get an unbiased opinion. It’s something that I find very difficult to discuss with the people around me, but I notice that this forum tends to give good advice on the whole and maybe you guys can help.
I’ve been out of contact with most of my family for a long while now, almost ten years. The reasons involve physical and emotional abuse and a lot of other just really terrible things that happened when I was growing up. Obviously, my younger siblings weren’t to blame for any of this, but there was no way to keep in contact with them and avoid my parents at the same time, so I haven’t spoken to any of them for the duration either. The two youngest probably don’t have clear memories of me anyway because they were very young at the time.
A couple of years ago, I reconnected over Facebook with an aunt and subsequently two of my cousins. It’s sort of a touchy relationship because of how things went down back in the day, but my aunt filled me in on the family goings on since I left and she sends me holiday cards and calls me every few months to catch up, which is nice of her. It happens that my mom died of an overdose 3 years after I left, which honestly I sort of expected to happen one day anyway and the last year I spent around her was so awful the only thing I can really feel about it is a sort of relief. However, according to my aunt, her death had a profound impact on my dad and he managed to get sober and go through some counseling as a result, is now remarried to an apparently much calmer woman, and things are very different. I’m not sure I believe it, but that’s the report anyway. The aunt in question is his elder sister and was inclined to make excuses for him in the past.
Now, I made my aunt promise not to mention that she was in touch with me to anyone else in the family, and the same with my cousins, and she swears that she hasn’t. However, she has told me that my dad wonders what ever happened to me from time to time and has said that he wishes he could see me again sometime before he dies. Recently, she also mentioned that he’s been in and out of the hospital a couple times with heart issues, though he’s recovering and doing well, and she dropped a big hint that if I ever wanted to try and talk to him, it might be a good time to do so as he’s sort of getting on a bit and has various health problems.
I don’t know what to do with this. My first instinct is just to ignore it and not try to pick up contact with him again. Even if my aunt is right and he’s gotten himself together and isn’t a horrible human being anymore, I don’t know what I could possibly say to him that would benefit either of us and I doubt there’s anything he could have to say to me now that wouldn’t just open up old wounds and rub salt in them. However, he is my only remaining living parent, and I suppose there is a minuscule possibility that he really does recognize how badly he and my mom messed up all of our lives and it wouldn’t be a complete mistake. It might be good to reconnect with my younger siblings, but I’m conflicted about that, too. I’ve felt guilty about leaving them behind for years, and I don’t want to upset them now, especially the two that are still young enough to be at home. I also have a half sister and some teenage step-siblings that I’ve never met. It would be very hard to explain where I’ve been this whole time and why without opening a whole can of worms.
I apologize for the massive post, this is just difficult for me to think through clearly. I know every situation is individual, but at what point should you consider giving someone who has hurt you in very serious and life/sanity-threatening ways a second chance to prove they’ve changed? Does it make a difference if it’s a parent? I don’t have to make a decision soon or anything and I definitely just wouldn’t fly out there to see him in person if I were going to give it a try before phone conversations had been had and so on.
Also, if I were to try to reconnect with my siblings, maybe some of you guys who are parents could suggest the best way to approach it that wouldn’t disrupt my youngest siblings/step-siblings too much? The step-siblings, I bet, probably have no idea about the history and if my younger siblings don’t remember, it might not be the best thing to dredge up. If things are really alright with them, I wonder if I should just leave it alone until they’re older.
I’ve been out of contact with most of my family for a long while now, almost ten years. The reasons involve physical and emotional abuse and a lot of other just really terrible things that happened when I was growing up. Obviously, my younger siblings weren’t to blame for any of this, but there was no way to keep in contact with them and avoid my parents at the same time, so I haven’t spoken to any of them for the duration either. The two youngest probably don’t have clear memories of me anyway because they were very young at the time.
A couple of years ago, I reconnected over Facebook with an aunt and subsequently two of my cousins. It’s sort of a touchy relationship because of how things went down back in the day, but my aunt filled me in on the family goings on since I left and she sends me holiday cards and calls me every few months to catch up, which is nice of her. It happens that my mom died of an overdose 3 years after I left, which honestly I sort of expected to happen one day anyway and the last year I spent around her was so awful the only thing I can really feel about it is a sort of relief. However, according to my aunt, her death had a profound impact on my dad and he managed to get sober and go through some counseling as a result, is now remarried to an apparently much calmer woman, and things are very different. I’m not sure I believe it, but that’s the report anyway. The aunt in question is his elder sister and was inclined to make excuses for him in the past.
Now, I made my aunt promise not to mention that she was in touch with me to anyone else in the family, and the same with my cousins, and she swears that she hasn’t. However, she has told me that my dad wonders what ever happened to me from time to time and has said that he wishes he could see me again sometime before he dies. Recently, she also mentioned that he’s been in and out of the hospital a couple times with heart issues, though he’s recovering and doing well, and she dropped a big hint that if I ever wanted to try and talk to him, it might be a good time to do so as he’s sort of getting on a bit and has various health problems.
I don’t know what to do with this. My first instinct is just to ignore it and not try to pick up contact with him again. Even if my aunt is right and he’s gotten himself together and isn’t a horrible human being anymore, I don’t know what I could possibly say to him that would benefit either of us and I doubt there’s anything he could have to say to me now that wouldn’t just open up old wounds and rub salt in them. However, he is my only remaining living parent, and I suppose there is a minuscule possibility that he really does recognize how badly he and my mom messed up all of our lives and it wouldn’t be a complete mistake. It might be good to reconnect with my younger siblings, but I’m conflicted about that, too. I’ve felt guilty about leaving them behind for years, and I don’t want to upset them now, especially the two that are still young enough to be at home. I also have a half sister and some teenage step-siblings that I’ve never met. It would be very hard to explain where I’ve been this whole time and why without opening a whole can of worms.
I apologize for the massive post, this is just difficult for me to think through clearly. I know every situation is individual, but at what point should you consider giving someone who has hurt you in very serious and life/sanity-threatening ways a second chance to prove they’ve changed? Does it make a difference if it’s a parent? I don’t have to make a decision soon or anything and I definitely just wouldn’t fly out there to see him in person if I were going to give it a try before phone conversations had been had and so on.
Also, if I were to try to reconnect with my siblings, maybe some of you guys who are parents could suggest the best way to approach it that wouldn’t disrupt my youngest siblings/step-siblings too much? The step-siblings, I bet, probably have no idea about the history and if my younger siblings don’t remember, it might not be the best thing to dredge up. If things are really alright with them, I wonder if I should just leave it alone until they’re older.