Family and obligations

[DarkLight]

My relationship with my parents have not been the greatest over the years. I’m joining the church at Easter. I haven’t told them anything about it yet. We’re working on our relationship right now; I’m concerned that telling them would just set everything back - they have so many false ideas about Catholicism and a nasty habit of dismissing any counterexamples. It’s that second bit that makes it really hard to explain anything to them; I can’t just correct them or give them info explaining otherwise.

I don’t want to get pulled into denying my faith, but…I sort of feel like it would go better if it waited a few years before I tell them. Not just to build up our relationship, but so I have a chance to ease them into the thought that maybe their ideas about Catholicism are wrong. Right now, the few times I’ve tried to obliquely bring it up have been met with simple disbelief. They tend to act like I’m a kid that doesn’t really know what she’s talking about - especially in the face of some Catholics and former Catholics my parents know that say false things about the church.

Am I doing anything wrong in not letting them know that I’m joining the Church? I do want to tell them eventually, I just feel like it wouldn’t do anything right now other than convince them I’m being rebellious and stupid.

 

[Della]

If telling them would do more harm than good, then don’t tell them. As an adult you are not obligated to explain your decisions to your parents, especially if they can’t “hear” it at this point in your relationship. Pray for them and be kind and loving to them, but don’t put yourself in the position of being treated like a child if that’s the way they will react. You are not obligated to “tell all” to everyone in your life, parents, sibilings, anyone you feel won’t be able to handle it. Sometimes it’s better to keep some things to ourselves for everyone’s good.

 

[DarkLight]

If telling them would do more harm than good, then don’t tell them. As an adult you are not obligated to explain your decisions to your parents, especially if they can’t “hear” it at this point in your relationship. Pray for them and be kind and loving to them, but don’t put yourself in the position of being treated like a child if that’s the way they will react. You are not obligated to “tell all” to everyone in your life, parents, sibilings, anyone you feel won’t be able to handle it. Sometimes it’s better to keep some things to ourselves for everyone’s good.

My biggest worry is that this would likely involve missing Mass when I’m out visiting. Now there’s a decent chance that would have to happen anyway, but…it would be very hard for me to get away for church without them figuring out something was up. It’s not exactly easy when you don’t have a car and someone else is scheduling things to do together every evening!

 

[Della]

My biggest worry is that this would likely involve missing Mass when I’m out visiting. Now there’s a decent chance that would have to happen anyway, but…it would be very hard for me to get away for church without them figuring out something was up. It’s not exactly easy when you don’t have a car and someone else is scheduling things to do together every evening!

Your parish can arrange for you to get rides to which ever weekend Mass you want to attend. If you can get to one of the Masses by taking public transportation, you might want to look into that option, as well. If there is no way for you to get to Mass as a Catholic you are not obligated to attend.

 

[DarkLight]

Your parish can arrange for you to get rides to which ever weekend Mass you want to attend. If you can get to one of the Masses by taking public transportation, you might want to look into that option, as well. If there is no way for you to get to Mass as a Catholic you are not obligated to attend.

I’m not really sure I’d be comfortable asking for a ride from a stranger.

But in any case - the problem is I can’t just disappear for an hour or two on Saturday night or Sunday morning without it raising a lot of questions. It would be a pretty weird action for me to take, since I normally don’t have anywhere I’d be going that wouldn’t involve my parents.

 

[Della]

I’m not really sure I’d be comfortable asking for a ride from a stranger.

But in any case - the problem is I can’t just disappear for an hour or two on Saturday night or Sunday morning without it raising a lot of questions. It would be a pretty weird action for me to take, since I normally don’t have anywhere I’d be going that wouldn’t involve my parents.

When we follow Jesus where he wants us to go we sometimes have to face difficulites in order to do it. If you must tell your parents because they will find out anyway, then do it kindly, in a straightforward way that brooks no arguments and simply go on your own. Your soul is your main priority in this situation. Your parents cannot make you stay or go anywhere. If you are able to do so, you may want to consider living on your own or with a roommate. In any case, pray about it and go to Mass. God will make a way. You have my prayers, as well.

 

[MarisaJean]

Okay a few things just came to mind reading your post and I hope I can be of some help.
This is YOUR life. I assume you are at a decent age that you can make your own decisions based on you saying you visit your parents. God has presented you with the greatest gift of all…himself and joining the Church. Do not be afraid!!! Storms come and go between family and friends. There are many people on here that did not have the support going into a conversion, I being one of them, but I will tell you that of all the things I have done wrong in my life and mistakes I have made I can honestly say this was not one of them. I had a strong feeling that is where I belonged and I just followed that path, regardless who said what along the way. I needed to make a life for me, and plant roots for my family and you need to do the same. People may not agree with you but if they love you now they will still love you regardless as to what church you go to. Remember that. They do not have to believe what you do but you can pray that one day they will. Until then, enjoy the rest of your RCIA journey and you welcoming in the church at Easter Vigil…it’s a wonderful memory you will hold dear forever. Pray that this situation gets better and for those around you to begin to understand. But make your decisions for yourself and not for anyone else and you will be fine. And last…WELCOME HOME!

 

[St_Francis]

I think you would be best off discussing this with a good priest who could go into details with you about this. It may be that sonce you were travelling and didn’t have transportation to Mass, it wouldn’t be a problem, or it may be that you would have to “bite the bullet” and tell your parents you’re going out for a while… maybe to visit A Friend? So to talk with a priest, who would be knowledgeable about the moral obligations *and *would be able to ask you the right questions would probably be very helpful to you in this situation.

And when you do tell your parents, present it as a Really Great Thing. Don’t present it as something you are worried about their reaction to but as something that it would be natural for them to congratulate you about and rude of them not to congratulate you about. Just go in there with that attitude of confidence no matter how you feel on the inside. Practice with a friend beforehand if you need to. Take your friend along if you need to too

 

[Augusta1990]

My relationship with my parents have not been the greatest over the years. I’m joining the church at Easter. I haven’t told them anything about it yet. We’re working on our relationship right now; I’m concerned that telling them would just set everything back - they have so many false ideas about Catholicism and a nasty habit of dismissing any counterexamples. It’s that second bit that makes it really hard to explain anything to them; I can’t just correct them or give them info explaining otherwise.

I don’t want to get pulled into denying my faith, but…I sort of feel like it would go better if it waited a few years before I tell them. Not just to build up our relationship, but so I have a chance to ease them into the thought that maybe their ideas about Catholicism are wrong. Right now, the few times I’ve tried to obliquely bring it up have been met with simple disbelief. They tend to act like I’m a kid that doesn’t really know what she’s talking about - especially in the face of some Catholics and former Catholics my parents know that say false things about the church.

Am I doing anything wrong in not letting them know that I’m joining the Church? I do want to tell them eventually, I just feel like it wouldn’t do anything right now other than convince them I’m being rebellious and stupid.

I wouldn’t recommend hiding it from them. I would think they’d be much angrier if they found out about your conversion after it had already happened.

In general, converts’ experiences in “breaking the news” to family members don’t turn out to be as horrible as they had anticipated. It might not go as poorly as you think.

 

[Della]

If you are having difficulty getting to Mass, you can ask your RCIA sponsor to help you attend. And as others have said, facing our fears is often worse than actually doing what we have to do. It’s like going to the dentist, in a way. I’ve had to have several visits for root canal and cavities and crown build up and installing of the crowns. The worst of it is the anticipation. So, don’t be afraid. Pray and let the Holy Spirit give you the words to say.

 

[DarkLight]

When we follow Jesus where he wants us to go we sometimes have to face difficulites in order to do it. If you must tell your parents because they will find out anyway, then do it kindly, in a straightforward way that brooks no arguments and simply go on your own. Your soul is your main priority in this situation. Your parents cannot make you stay or go anywhere. If you are able to do so, you may want to consider living on your own or with a roommate. In any case, pray about it and go to Mass. God will make a way. You have my prayers, as well.

I think we’re on completely different pages here. I don’t live anywhere near my family. That’s why mass is an issue for visits - I don’t really know anyone around or anything about the area they now live in, as they moved a year after I left. So it would be odd for me to just disappear for a night when I’m out there, because I only see them for a week around christmas and maybe another week in summer if we can afford the extra flight. So naturally I spend all the evenings I’m there at home with them, not going out to random places.

I’m not having trouble getting to Mass in general, just in the specific situation where I’m halfway across the country to visit them. I don’t know anyone in that parish, obviously, because it’s halfway across the country from where I live.

 

[Della]

I think we’re on completely different pages here. I don’t live anywhere near my family. That’s why mass is an issue for visits - I don’t really know anyone around or anything about the area they now live in, as they moved a year after I left. So it would be odd for me to just disappear for a night when I’m out there, because I only see them for a week around christmas and maybe another week in summer if we can afford the extra flight. So naturally I spend all the evenings I’m there at home with them, not going out to random places.

I’m not having trouble getting to Mass in general, just in the specific situation where I’m halfway across the country to visit them. I don’t know anyone in that parish, obviously, because it’s halfway across the country from where I live.

I see----finally. You might want to rent a car while visiting with them and perhaps stay at a hotel instead of at their house. After all, they have their lives and you have yours. It might make things easier all around.

 

[DarkLight]

I see----finally. You might want to rent a car while visiting with them and perhaps stay at a hotel instead of at their house. After all, they have their lives and you have yours. It might make things easier all around.

That’s…just not possible, to be honest. My financial situation is a mess, and it’s stretching their budget to fly me out once a year. I don’t even own a car myself, I walk in to Mass in my home area. Hotels and rental cars and whatnot are expensive.

 

[EasterJoy]

If it is a topic that has not come up, then you do not have to tell even your parents everything about your whole life in order to avoid lying, no. You are allowed to keep your own counsel without dishonesty.

If you silently listen while they make comments they would not make if they knew you were Catholic, if you say things that would mislead them into thinking you are not Catholic, and so on, that’s another thing. Lies of omission are still lies.

If, when they find out (and they will), they will wonder why you were so private, you are probably not lying. If they would wonder why you would deceive them by not saying anything when a Catholic normally would, then you probably are deceiving them. You’re going to have to discern the difference. There is nothing wrong with keeping things private that would cause unnecessary strife if those things were known, though. That is OK. Your parents do not have a right to know this, provided you don’t use deceitful means to keep your privacy.

 

[DarkLight]

If it is a topic that has not come up, then you do not have to tell even your parents everything about your whole life in order to avoid lying, no. You are allowed to keep your own counsel without dishonesty.

If you silently listen while they make comments they would not make if they knew you were Catholic, if you say things that would mislead them into thinking you are not Catholic, and so on, that’s another thing. Lies of omission are still lies.

If, when they find out (and they will), they will wonder why you were so private, you are probably not lying. If they would wonder why you would deceive them by not saying anything when a Catholic normally would, then you probably are deceiving them. You’re going to have to discern the difference. There is nothing wrong with keeping things private that would cause unnecessary strife if those things were known, though. That is OK. Your parents do not have a right to know this, provided you don’t use deceitful means to keep your privacy.

Honestly, I’ve been trying to ease them into a better understanding of Catholicism. Stuff like “you know that’s not actually what Catholics believe.” Trouble is they don’t always take me seriously. One of our former pastors was a very badly catechized ex-catholic, and he told them a lot of stuff about the Church that’s just plain false. Plus my mother has her Sola Scriptura and Baptist literalism so ingrained in her, that so much of Catholic teaching seems obviously false to her. I’m trying to show her how to back up and see what she’s assuming before she judges teachings, so she can at least see how they’re rational.

But I am worried. We’ve had some pretty bad fights about religion before, ones that have left me in tears for days. It’s a very sensitive subject for me because of the abuse in our old church, and my mother just has a way of pushing every button I have. It’s hard to explain if you don’t know someone like that, but she’ll just get so upset and lash out about how badly hurt she is and where did she go wrong raising me and isn’t it time I stopped all this childish rebellion and just listened to her?

It’s hard, though. In some ways our relationship has always been somewhat based on deceit. It’s the only way I survived childhood, honestly - and I mean that quite literally, it gave me the relief I needed when I wanted to kill myself. It was the only way for me to not be in trouble 24/7. I don’t like it, but…I don’t really know where to go, especially since I’ve seen so many cases where it seemed like the only way to retain any shred of sanity.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Honestly, I’ve been trying to ease them into a better understanding of Catholicism. Stuff like “you know that’s not actually what Catholics believe.” Trouble is they don’t always take me seriously. One of our former pastors was a very badly catechized ex-catholic, and he told them a lot of stuff about the Church that’s just plain false. Plus my mother has her Sola Scriptura and Baptist literalism so ingrained in her, that so much of Catholic teaching seems obviously false to her. I’m trying to show her how to back up and see what she’s assuming before she judges teachings, so she can at least see how they’re rational.

But I am worried. We’ve had some pretty bad fights about religion before, ones that have left me in tears for days. It’s a very sensitive subject for me because of the abuse in our old church, and my mother just has a way of pushing every button I have. It’s hard to explain if you don’t know someone like that, but she’ll just get so upset and lash out about how badly hurt she is and where did she go wrong raising me and isn’t it time I stopped all this childish rebellion and just listened to her?

It’s hard, though. In some ways our relationship has always been somewhat based on deceit. It’s the only way I survived childhood, honestly - and I mean that quite literally, it gave me the relief I needed when I wanted to kill myself. It was the only way for me to not be in trouble 24/7. I don’t like it, but…I don’t really know where to go, especially since I’ve seen so many cases where it seemed like the only way to retain any shred of sanity.

I would talk to your priest about this, he’s probably helped others in a similar situation. Maybe you want to keep more distance between you and your parents at this most difficult time when you are converting. You are never going to make them accept this, and it’s probably not going to go well, for the reasons you’ve already stated. This could be a big dividing line in your relationship with your parents. Are you ready for it? You’re going to need to be stronger than you ever have been. The Holy Spirit can help with that! Don’t push yourself, but don’t shy away from the moment that is coming. Set your boundaries and don’t let your Mom go too far. “Mom, I won’t listen if you’re going to start yelling at me. If you can talk in a civilized manner, then I will try to answer your questions. If you can’t treat me with respect, then we’re done.”

It might be that you don’t have a relationship with your parents for a while. For some adult children, that comes as a welcome relief, once they get over the shock that their parents would actually cut off communication (or that they had to do it themselves).

 

[pablope]

I’m not really sure I’d be comfortable asking for a ride from a stranger.

But in any case - the problem is I can’t just disappear for an hour or two on Saturday night or Sunday morning without it raising a lot of questions. It would be a pretty weird action for me to take, since I normally don’t have anywhere I’d be going that wouldn’t involve my parents.

If going to mass when you visit them is going to be challenging, talk to your priest before going, explain the situation and he may possibly give you a dispensation from your sunday obligation because of your situation…this is just one possibililty. The most important thing is…talk to your priest.

 

[underacloud]

If going to mass when you visit them is going to be challenging, talk to your priest before going, explain the situation and he may possibly give you a dispensation from your sunday obligation because of your situation…this is just one possibililty. The most important thing is…talk to your priest.

This!

Getting a dispensation for one or two Sundays a year in order to keep family peace while you are travelling and it is difficult anyway to attend mass is not a big deal.

However, making the effort to get to mass when it’s difficult can be a great witness to the importance of your faith.

Discussing this with your priest can help you weigh these things.

 

[St_Francis]

Honestly, I’ve been trying to ease them into a better understanding of Catholicism. Stuff like “you know that’s not actually what Catholics believe.” Trouble is they don’t always take me seriously. One of our former pastors was a very badly catechized ex-catholic, and he told them a lot of stuff about the Church that’s just plain false. Plus my mother has her Sola Scriptura and Baptist literalism so ingrained in her, that so much of Catholic teaching seems obviously false to her. I’m trying to show her how to back up and see what she’s assuming before she judges teachings, so she can at least see how they’re rational.

But I am worried. We’ve had some pretty bad fights about religion before, ones that have left me in tears for days. It’s a very sensitive subject for me because of the abuse in our old church, and my mother just has a way of pushing every button I have. It’s hard to explain if you don’t know someone like that, but she’ll just get so upset and lash out about how badly hurt she is and where did she go wrong raising me and isn’t it time I stopped all this childish rebellion and just listened to her?

It’s hard, though. In some ways our relationship has always been somewhat based on deceit. It’s the only way I survived childhood, honestly - and I mean that quite literally, it gave me the relief I needed when I wanted to kill myself. It was the only way for me to not be in trouble 24/7. I don’t like it, but…I don’t really know where to go, especially since I’ve seen so many cases where it seemed like the only way to retain any shred of sanity.

I remember your earlier posts about the relationship with your mother. I really think that if you talk with a good priest, one known for giving good and accurate counsel, that you will get more help than you will here.

Or you could always tell them as you’re getting on the plane for your flight back home, and then not answer the phone for a few days

 

[Della]

That’s…just not possible, to be honest. My financial situation is a mess, and it’s stretching their budget to fly me out once a year. I don’t even own a car myself, I walk in to Mass in my home area. Hotels and rental cars and whatnot are expensive.

If the Catholic parish in your folks’ town is within walking distance, you’re golden. Otherwise, you simply ask them to drop you off at the parish, while they go to their church, and pick you up afterwards. If they don’t go to church, ask them to take you to yours and pick you up afterwards. You don’t have to argue or convince them of anything. If they won’t take you and there’s no other way for you to get to Mass, then you would not be obligated to attend.