FAMILY BED: how to transition

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GinaF

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We are a family of three, and for the most part, have had our 9 mo old in bed with us for her whole life. We’re hoping to move her to her crib (and working on it), but I’d love to have advice from other Catholic mamas and daddies who have been in this position before! I am not a fan of the “cry-it-out” idea (it totally goes against the grain of being a mother), but I’m getting incredibly worn out from our baby waking several times a night. By several, I mean at least 3-4 times.
Thanks!
 
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GinaF:
We are a family of three, and for the most part, have had our 9 mo old in bed with us for her whole life. We’re hoping to move her to her crib (and working on it), but I’d love to have advice from other Catholic mamas and daddies who have been in this position before! I am not a fan of the “cry-it-out” idea (it totally goes against the grain of being a mother), but I’m getting incredibly worn out from our baby waking several times a night. By several, I mean at least 3-4 times.
Thanks!
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Our baby has never slept in our bed so I’m not that good of a resource, but I have met other mothers at mommy and me sessions with similar situations and one suggestion I have heard is to have a transition item. Maybe if you wrap her in a blanket in your bed a few nights and then use the same one in her crib. Another idea I heard was start putting her in her crib for day time naps so she gets used to the idea of sleeping there. One mother would put her baby in her crib while the baby was awake during the day and would work around in the same room where the crib was so the baby would get used to being in the crib without being scared. Other women said they would sleep with their child’s sheets a few nights so they would get that same mommy smell of having mommy close, and according to them it helped their baby feel safe in the new crib. They would put their baby to sleep before laying them in the crib.
If I remember any other ideas I heard I will let you know. :sleep:
 
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GinaF:
We are a family of three, and for the most part, have had our 9 mo old in bed with us for her whole life. We’re hoping to move her to her crib (and working on it), but I’d love to have advice from other Catholic mamas and daddies who have been in this position before! I am not a fan of the “cry-it-out” idea (it totally goes against the grain of being a mother), but I’m getting incredibly worn out from our baby waking several times a night. By several, I mean at least 3-4 times.
Thanks!
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I’m curious. Does your daughter wake up and want to nurse/have a bottle? Does she just wake up and cry? Or does she want to play? Perhaps your first battle is just teaching her that waking up doesn’t mean she needs Mommy or Daddy’s attention.

I don’t know that I have any special advice for you other than something it took me a long time to learn… Just because something worked for your best friend, or your mother-in-law, or someone on this forum, your daughter is not the same as anyone else’s child and may need to be handled differently. That might mean more gently. It might mean more firmly.

I don’t like letting children cry things out either. But there is a big difference between letting a child fuss for 15 minutes and letting them cry for 2 or 3 hours. My middle daughter just couldn’t fall asleep without spending 10 minutes complaining to the world about the injustice of falling asleep. It didn’t matter if I held her or not. My other two couldn’t imagine that sleeping and nursing were not the same thing and complained quite vocally when I suggested they needed happen at the same time.

Rituals help. The idea is to teach her to put herself to sleep, not rely on you to do it.
 
Pick up baby. Put baby in crib. Baby will cry. Get over it. Crying will decrease daily and probably disappear within 1-2 weeks. Mom, Dad & baby finally get some much needed rest.

This scenario is one of the reasons I think the “family bed” is an approach best left to those still living in teepees and/or 1 room yurts. Babies/children sharing the same bed with adults is one of the reasons that most of us in modern society no longer chose to live in one-room teepees and yurts. You have created a habit which you now have to break. It is not easy on anyone for several days…but if you think you are doing “permanent psychological damage” I assure you all will get through this intact.
 
Island Oak:
Pick up baby. Put baby in crib. Baby will cry. Get over it. Crying will decrease daily and probably disappear within 1-2 weeks. Mom, Dad & baby finally get some much needed rest.

This scenario is one of the reasons I think the “family bed” is an approach best left to those still living in teepees and/or 1 room yurts. Babies/children sharing the same bed with adults is one of the reasons that most of us in modern society no longer chose to live in one-room teepees and yurts. You have created a habit which you now have to break. It is not easy on anyone for several days…but if you think you are doing “permanent psychological damage” I assure you all will get through this intact.
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Oh, do I ever agree with you!!
~ Kathy ~
 
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SMHW:
I’m curious. Does your daughter wake up and want to nurse/have a bottle? Does she just wake up and cry? Or does she want to play? Perhaps your first battle is just teaching her that waking up doesn’t mean she needs Mommy or Daddy’s attention.
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She wakes up thinking she needs to nurse. I am working on getting her to go back to sleep without nursing, but she fights hard! You are right, there is a difference between 15 minutes and 2 hours. We also do have a ritual, which has made a difference in her getting to sleep. The biggest part is teaching her to STAY asleep, or get herself back to sleep. Thank you for your encouraging kind words.
 
Island Oak:
Pick up baby. Put baby in crib. Baby will cry. Get over it. Crying will decrease daily and probably disappear within 1-2 weeks. Mom, Dad & baby finally get some much needed rest.

This scenario is one of the reasons I think the “family bed” is an approach best left to those still living in teepees and/or 1 room yurts. Babies/children sharing the same bed with adults is one of the reasons that most of us in modern society no longer chose to live in one-room teepees and yurts. You have created a habit which you now have to break. It is not easy on anyone for several days…but if you think you are doing “permanent psychological damage” I assure you all will get through this intact.
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Since I already said I didn’t like cry-it-out, can you suggest something helpful for helping my baby go back to sleep? As another member said (to which I agreed), 15 minutes is different from 2 to 3 hours. (by the way, my daughter is only ready to play and get on iwth life after 2 hours of crying…sleeping doesn’t happen…we tried, I hated it, she didn’t sleep).

Curious: I assume you have children and let them cry? I have heard that it is a process you have to repeat as babies go through new developments–did you find this to be true?
 
I had all three of my boys sleep in bed with me until they were about 7 months old. Then I put their crib in my room, right next to the bed, and kept it there for a couple of months before moving them into their own room. I didn’t have any problems getting them used to their new living quarters. Good luck!
 
Island Oak:
Pick up baby. Put baby in crib. Baby will cry. Get over it. Crying will decrease daily and probably disappear within 1-2 weeks. Mom, Dad & baby finally get some much needed rest.

This scenario is one of the reasons I think the “family bed” is an approach best left to those still living in teepees and/or 1 room yurts.
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Sure, that’s ONE way…

Or, try a more gradual, well thought-out transition as described on:

www.askdrsears.com
and/or
www.drjaygordon.com

You sassy gal, Island Oak!😉 You know the “yurt” comment’s gonna send the feathers flying!
 
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StephanieC:
You’ll probably find helpful information on these websites, since both doctors are very supportive of the family bed:

www.askdrsears.com
and/or
www.drjaygordon.com

Good luck!
(And, sweet dreams!:sleep: )
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Thanks! I have been at the sears site often, and once at the gordon site. I had forgotten about it, and just now read a GREAT article by a mom who went through the same thing. Thank you for directing me to the site!
 
I to believe in the family bed sleepling arrangement. We have 8 children, and for my first I was not experienced and let people, my husband included, tell me to let them cry. How barbaric!! Now, with my last two being preemies and me being 45 years old I will do and think as I please. Wait until you are ready, don’t be afraid to use bribes, toys, ice cream , cartoon character bedding,whatever as a reward for when this is accomplished. It seems that I remember some saint, Frances of Rome? who did the same. I would go back and do the same with my oldest if I could erase those memories of crying (me and them)!!
Pray to the Blessed Virgin for everything. You will be fine and this will pass.

God Bless
 
It really doesn’t matter if the “family bed” is a good idea or not. You did it and now you are looking for a way to transition to a crib.

I hope you don’t mind getting some advice from me since I am not yet a mama…

First off, you are a mom, have faith in yourself! You came here for advice, you visit other sites for info…you are doing great! You sound like a loving mom.

My two cents is to make the experience as rewarding and pleasant for all of you as possible. You need to feel comfortable with the method you choose, but it also needs to work. Don’t stick with a method that may be “easy” on you but shows no results…and don’t avoid a method that may not seem comfortable but gives you results.

I don’t think this issue should be much different than any other transition in a childs life…going to school, potty training, eating solid food…of course, not in that order, lol. Your job is to make your baby feel safe and secure in the transition. I hope you find a way to do that.

Malia
 
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cathmonarchmom:
I to believe in the family bed sleepling arrangement. We have 8 children, and for my first I was not experienced and let people, my husband included, tell me to let them cry. How barbaric!! Now, with my last two being preemies and me being 45 years old I will do and think as I please. Wait until you are ready, don’t be afraid to use bribes, toys, ice cream , cartoon character bedding,whatever as a reward for when this is accomplished. It seems that I remember some saint, Frances of Rome? who did the same. I would go back and do the same with my oldest if I could erase those memories of crying (me and them)!!
Pray to the Blessed Virgin for everything. You will be fine and this will pass.

God Bless
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LOL! I wish I could bribe my 9 month old. I will try to look up that saint you mentioned. Thanks
 
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GinaF:
Since I already said I didn’t like cry-it-out, can you suggest something helpful for helping my baby go back to sleep?
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No. What I suggested worked for me. It is the most direct route to your intended destination. There are other approaches, but IMO they only drag out the process.
Curious: I assume you have children and let them cry?
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Only had to do it with one, but I never co-slept w/ my kids despite nursing all three. She had become very attached to her 2am feeding which her pediatrician told me she no longer needed @ 9 months. We decided to put an end to it by going cold turkey. At 9 months it’s amazing what a temper the mighty mites have developed. She about took the plaster off the walls for the first 2 nights. We would go in 1-2 times, VERY briefly, NO picking up, reading, cuddling, entertainment value. After a pat on the back–leave again. Her fits diminished within a few days. For a couple more nights she woke up and we could here her rolling around, but no more tears. After 2 weeks at the MOST, bad habit broken, sleeping through the night. I can attest that at age 10 she is functioning perfectly normally without any intervention or therapy.
I have heard that it is a process you have to repeat as babies go through new developments–did you find this to be true?
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No. But we established a firm routine with bedtime, in that it means ‘time to go to bed’, not play, dawdle, argue, negotiate, etc. It has served us well because I find I am simply out of gas by the end of the day and would rather avoid controversy then and engage in fun things like reading, art, etc…when I can be attentive. Once in bed our kids only wake up if they are sick.
 
Since I already said I didn’t like cry-it-out, can you suggest something helpful for helping my baby go back to sleep? As another member said (to which I agreed), 15 minutes is different from 2 to 3 hours. (by the way, my daughter is only ready to play and get on iwth life after 2 hours of crying…sleeping doesn’t happen…we tried, I hated it, she didn’t sleep).
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Curious: I assume you have children and let them cry? I have heard that it is a process you have to repeat as babies go through new developments–did you find this to be true?
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i guess i’m surprised people suggested the ‘get over it’ advice since you asked not to have it (shrug)
we have a 17 month old that we will night wean soon. i had no desire to night wean because i was always well rested even with nursing 2-3 times a night and that kept my fertility away until recently.

i skipped the crib. we put a toddler bed in our room and he’s been napping there for a week or two. then i read the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantly. She’ll be speaking around here in 2 weeks (perfect timing for me:) ). I will be using that after we have visitors come and go soon. My situation is a little different since he is older, but we have put in place a specific routine of things that happen before bed, i’m going to use my camera to take pictures of each of those events and make my own bedtime book, he loves books i will also use the pantly pull off method that she suggests. i don’t mind that it may take several weeks, it is important to me (and for the sake of my DH’s sleep) that he doesn’t cry.

so in short i’d read her book to get lots of different ideas
 
OFF TOPIC

Im not saying this out of anger or anything like that. Just curious because it has happened before. How come when a parent of an AP mindset asks for advice others who don’t like AP, etc…offer adivce that is not useful to that person and say things like ‘get over it’. I would never go onto a CIO thread and give that person my advice about how horrible i think CIO is (which i do). i just don’t get that. it isn’t helpful to the OP and it just seems so childish…(scratching head)
 
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spacecadet:
OFF TOPIC

Im not saying this out of anger or anything like that. Just curious because it has happened before. How come when a parent of an AP mindset asks for advice others who don’t like AP, etc…offer adivce that is not useful to that person and say things like ‘get over it’. I would never go onto a CIO thread and give that person my advice about how horrible i think CIO is (which i do). i just don’t get that. it isn’t helpful to the OP and it just seems so childish…(scratching head)
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My dear, like I tell my daughter, “when you tell me something and ask my opinion/advice etc…you allow me to tell you what I think…you run the risk of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Now , do you want me to continue or do you want me to tell you what you WANT to hear?”
~ Kathy ~
 
My dear, like I tell my daughter, “when you tell me something and ask my opinion/advice etc…you allow me to tell you what I think…you run the risk of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Now , do you want me to continue or do you want me to tell you what you WANT to hear?”
~ Kathy ~
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well i am very familiar with my parents telling me things i sometimes didn’t want to hear and it has helped me be open ot ideas, but i think this situation is quite different. and i personally don’t want to hear anything from you, i didn’t ask the question. this is the exact reason i get my AP advice from AP boards and NFP boards because people who don’t do AP have this reaction that as soon as you ask for advice it is proof that it doesn’t work or it is all wrong. it is just so odd to me that they are always lurking in the corner waiting to jump on anyone who asks about AP…“Ahaaaa” see its all bogus after all. I knew that doing the family bed would require a time of transition and it would be hard work. I don’t mind hard work.
 
Try (if possible with space and all) putting her crib as close to your bed as possible so you can touch and see her.(might take a bit of furnture moving) then slowly start moving the crib away from your bed. When she starts to sleep through, turn crib so its not so easy to see you and by her 1st birthday she should be in her room without much problems. It has so be a slow transition. Best of luck:blessyou: You seem like a wonderful momma Gina
 
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