Family Conflict/Need Spiritual advice

[Ryniev]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. I have one sibling. He is not Christian, has never been baptized and belongs to a quasi-Christian sect that practices “spiritual healing”. As long as I can remember he has been a user. He takes and takes and takes and his wife is not much better. For years I have tried to maintain a relationship with him for my mothers sake even though my husband and I have huge issues with how he and his wife treat her. But it’s very important to my mom that I try, so I have.

I should also mention that my brother has been diagnosed with being bi-polar at one point in his life but is not being treated because of his “religion”. For years I have walked on eggshells with him and his wife, rearranged holidays to accomadate them etc. I have extended olive branch after olive branch. My mother had told me that I am the bigger person, I need to love him where he’s at etc.

Here is the problem. My mother is ill and has no one other than my brother and I. I have 3 young children and can’t do it all. Because of her bizarre religious beliefs, she won’t tell anyone at her church and wants me to be her Husband, Mother and Daughter. My brother has always told me that if anything happens to mom “she’s your problem” He lives 5 minutes away from her and rarely sees her. However, I finally got to the point where I had to insist that he split the care of my mother 50/50 and he grudgingly did so.

However, he now refuses to speak to me at all! I’ve tried calling him and emailing him only to be ignored. I finally found out from my mom that he wants nothing more to do with me ever because “I only think about myself and don’t see how this affects him!” Now mind you, I was driving 30 miles a day 3-4 times a week for her treatment, taking my kids to the hospital to see her and running over to her house to drop off oatmeal because “she was in the mood” and didn’t want to bother my brother who lives 5 minutes away.

It has gotten to the point where my husband (I’ll call him Switzerland because he is so neutral) is so disgusted with my brother and his wife that he thinks the best thing to do is just lead completely seperate lives. He feels like we’ve been overly generous and accomadating for years and enough is enough. I agree with him and feel like I’m done as far as a relationship is concerned, it’s too one-sided and he is sick of my family always trying to tell me what a horrible person I am, because I’m not.

However, I feel so much anger in my heart towards my brother that it is poisoning me spiritually. I want him to suffer and I feel like a horrible person for feeling that way. I feel so wronged and terribly hurt and I need to let it go and am having a horrible time doing so. I want to be able to love him but at the same time stay away from his toxicity. The only time I’ve felt any peace recently is at RCIA and Mass.

Can you all offer me any prayers and/or advice?

Thank you!

Ryniev

 

[janelle]

Wow, what a tough situation. I don’t have any advice, but I will ask God to give you his wisdom and peace.

Janelle

 

[YinYangMom]

Ryniev:

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. I have one sibling. He is not Christian, has never been baptized and belongs to a quasi-Christian sect that practices “spiritual healing”. As long as I can remember he has been a user. He takes and takes and takes and his wife is not much better. For years I have tried to maintain a relationship with him for my mothers sake even though my husband and I have huge issues with how he and his wife treat her. But it’s very important to my mom that I try, so I have.

Oh my, bless you for honoring your mother’s wishes.

I should also mention that my brother has been diagnosed with being bi-polar at one point in his life but is not being treated because of his “religion”…My mother had told me that I am the bigger person, I need to love him where he’s at etc.

Not only are you the bigger person, you are the one not afflicted with being bi-polar…this diagnosis complicates matters significantly.

Here is the problem. My mother is ill and has no one other than my brother and I. I have 3 young children and can’t do it all. Because of her bizarre religious beliefs, she won’t tell anyone at her church and wants me to be her Husband, Mother and Daughter. … I finally got to the point where I had to insist that he split the care of my mother 50/50 and he grudgingly did so.

However, he now refuses to speak to me at all!

It has gotten to the point where my husband (I’ll call him Switzerland because he is so neutral) is so disgusted with my brother and his wife that he thinks the best thing to do is just lead completely seperate lives.

However, I feel so much anger in my heart towards my brother that it is poisoning me spiritually. I want him to suffer and I feel like a horrible person for feeling that way. I feel so wronged and terribly hurt and I need to let it go and am having a horrible time doing so. I want to be able to love him but at the same time stay away from his toxicity. The only time I’ve felt any peace recently is at RCIA and Mass.

Can you all offer me any prayers and/or advice?

Thank you!

Ryniev

The advice I have to offer is to read up on bi-polar syndrome. This will help you to understand that your brother, especially since he is not on medication, cannot possibly see your perspective. It just is not wired into his brain to perceive reality the way you and I are able to. To expect that of him is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Knowing about his condition will help you not personalize so much whatever it is your brother says or does against or for you. When he’s on his up, you can’t buy into any praise or compliments he offers just as when he’s on his down you can’t buy into any of his insults or criticisms. The really bad thing about bi-polar is it’s extreme up or extreme down and rarely a smooth transition. So the sooner you detach your reactions and emotions from his ups/downs the better.

The real problem seems to be the fact that your mother needs care that you are not able to provide. It is wearing you thin and producing the environment for resenting your brother. That means it’s time for her to make other arrangements. You are obliged to care for her needs to the extent that you can without sacrificing your husband, children and your own sanity. You cannot and are not expected to do it all, as you state. You say your mother refused to reach out to her church. Well, that’s her choice, but that doesn’t mean you then have to fill those roles her church could if she’d only reach out. When you start saying no, explaining you have your own family to attend to and suggesting she call one of her church friends instead she eventually will find herself in the position of having to reach out to her church if she really wants those needs met.

As for your brother and your relationship…You are open to the day he will acknowledge you again. That is honoring your mother’s wish. You don’t have to reach out any more that you already have. If your mother suggests otherwise, just remind her that you understand your brother’s condition and are patiently awaiting the day his mood shifts in the other direction and he speaks to you again, at which time you fully intend to welcome him and treat him well, to reach out when he’s in this state will harm your relationship more than help it. And remind her you are constantly praying for him.

I’m sure there are others on this board to offer even better advice, but I wanted to share mine.

Certainly you, your family, your brother and your mother will be in my prayers. May you find peace soon.

 

[Della]

I think YinYangMom’s advise is right on the money. You have your own family and needs to take care of. Let your adult family members get the help they need from professionals instead of relying on you to do everything for them. Let them go and begin living your own life. I remembered you and your situation in my Evening Prayers. God bless you and yours.

 

[Ryniev]

Thank you so much! It just makes me feel so not alone in this world.

Btw, I suffer from clinical depression and have since I was a teenager. Thankfully, I have the right medication and it’s under control right now or I don’t know what I’d do. I know it’s not the same as Bi-Polar and I don’t really think I’m the “better” person but I am the one that has worked through childhood abuse through therapy and a 12 step program so I’m maybe the more “healthy” one, if that makes sense?

I didn’t mean to sound egotistical.

 

[YinYangMom]

Ryniev:

Thank you so much! It just makes me feel so not alone in this world.

Btw, I suffer from clinical depression and have since I was a teenager. Thankfully, I have the right medication and it’s under control right now or I don’t know what I’d do. I know it’s not the same as Bi-Polar and I don’t really think I’m the “better” person but I am the one that has worked through childhood abuse through therapy and a 12 step program so I’m maybe the more “healthy” one, if that makes sense?

I didn’t mean to sound egotistical.

You didn’t come of egotistical at all! More ‘healthy’, perhaps, more blessed with God’s grace for certain. It’s through His grace you were able to seek the medical assistance you needed and accept it.

Since you suffer from clinical depression and your brother suffers from bi-polar syndrome, I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother also suffers from some mental condition herself…if that’s the case, all the more reason to not get into the trap of being her co-dependent ‘everything’…it does not help her in the short or long term cope with whatever cross she is bearing. Truly, help find her the support she needs from outside sources and encourage her to access them, then focus on your family and continue to check up on your mother, offering encouragement for her anxieties about reaching out.

 

[crystal]

Hi,

I agree with the advice you’ve gotten. I jhust want you to know that I know how much it hurts as I’m dealing with similar problems.

Be strong,
Crystal