I
Iida
Guest
Greetings! I am new to this forum and have joined because I am compelled to seek urgent advice from fellow Catholics. There is a situation within my family that is seemingly rather common, but with contributing factors that make it more difficult to assess. I feel some objectivity is required here within a Catholic context.
So here goes:
My 21-year old sister had a fight with my father on Christmas Eve of 2013, and has since moved in with her boyfriend - over whom the fight began. Rather than plainly stating that she was living with the boy, she has instead been telling my parents that she stays at friends’ houses during the evenings when she’s not working/going to school. I’m sure my parents were both smart enough to realize this was not entirely true, but neither of them pushed the matter until very recently.
Here is where I must digress. My father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which makes it extremely difficult (if not impossible) to have any kind of reasonable discussion with him. Instead of sitting my sister down and telling her that her decision is wrong but that he still loves her, he yells and makes threats, and then blames everyone but himself for her poor choices. Even when I brought up the prospect of arranging a meeting with our parish pastor to mediate a conversation he dismissed it completely. He has a habit of fiercely upholding Catholic morals when it suits him, but ignoring them when they don’t. And yet, he holds everyone else to a higher moral standard than himself. My sister, therefore, does not even want to discuss anything with him and patently avoids coming by my parent’s house when he is home. This has led my father to take his frustrations out on my mother and she, in turn, has threatened to leave him if he disowns my sister outright.
All of this tension will reach its climax soon and, quite honestly, none of the prospective outlooks are good. Both my sister and my father are too selfish to admit their own faults, and my mother is just utterly exhausted and emotionally devastated by the whole situation. She is a recovering alcoholic and has been struggling very hard to maintain her sobriety (which, by the grace of God, she has so far).
I, as the oldest child (at 29), am stuck in the middle of all this. I try to calm my parents down when I am around, but I cannot always be here to keep them from saying hateful things to each other, or to keep my father from dealing with my sister as though she’s committed some unforgivable act that deserves the utmost censure. He will say that she has abandoned her family and her faith and for that she is no longer welcome at home, but in the next sentence he will say that he would not accept any form of apology or be open to the idea of reinforcing his love while maintaining his disapproval of her relationship.
I feel as though my whole family is being torn apart over this issue. I hardly have a relationship with my sister as it is, and she resents me for disapproving of many of her choices over the years. My father is stubborn and, while his disorder means it isn’t entirely his fault, everything falls back to his bad handling of circumstances that should be treated with more delicacy.
Apart from prayer, I do not know what my role should be in this mess. Do I schedule a meeting with a parish priest and try to get my parents and/or sister to go? Or should I stay out of it altogether and let the pieces fall where they may? The worst case scenario is that my parents break up as a result of this as it has been a massive wedge between them since the first fight between my sister and father a year ago. (Actually, my father’s words to my mother verbatim were that she committed a sin “worse than murder” for ruining his Christmas when she, in fact, had absolutely nothing to do with it!) I feel helpless as I watch this insanity unfold around. I do not like the idea of my sister being cut out of the family, but I could almost accept that outcome if only my parents would support each other rather than exchange blame. Some of the things my father says are morally reprehensible, but he feels justified because he believes he has authority over the entire family.
So, if you have been patient enough to read through all of the above, I implore you: what should I do, if anything? And, if anyone has been in a similar situation, how did they deal with each of their family members when everyone has a completely different perspective?
I appreciate any time and prayers than can be offered my way.
So here goes:
My 21-year old sister had a fight with my father on Christmas Eve of 2013, and has since moved in with her boyfriend - over whom the fight began. Rather than plainly stating that she was living with the boy, she has instead been telling my parents that she stays at friends’ houses during the evenings when she’s not working/going to school. I’m sure my parents were both smart enough to realize this was not entirely true, but neither of them pushed the matter until very recently.
Here is where I must digress. My father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which makes it extremely difficult (if not impossible) to have any kind of reasonable discussion with him. Instead of sitting my sister down and telling her that her decision is wrong but that he still loves her, he yells and makes threats, and then blames everyone but himself for her poor choices. Even when I brought up the prospect of arranging a meeting with our parish pastor to mediate a conversation he dismissed it completely. He has a habit of fiercely upholding Catholic morals when it suits him, but ignoring them when they don’t. And yet, he holds everyone else to a higher moral standard than himself. My sister, therefore, does not even want to discuss anything with him and patently avoids coming by my parent’s house when he is home. This has led my father to take his frustrations out on my mother and she, in turn, has threatened to leave him if he disowns my sister outright.
All of this tension will reach its climax soon and, quite honestly, none of the prospective outlooks are good. Both my sister and my father are too selfish to admit their own faults, and my mother is just utterly exhausted and emotionally devastated by the whole situation. She is a recovering alcoholic and has been struggling very hard to maintain her sobriety (which, by the grace of God, she has so far).
I, as the oldest child (at 29), am stuck in the middle of all this. I try to calm my parents down when I am around, but I cannot always be here to keep them from saying hateful things to each other, or to keep my father from dealing with my sister as though she’s committed some unforgivable act that deserves the utmost censure. He will say that she has abandoned her family and her faith and for that she is no longer welcome at home, but in the next sentence he will say that he would not accept any form of apology or be open to the idea of reinforcing his love while maintaining his disapproval of her relationship.
I feel as though my whole family is being torn apart over this issue. I hardly have a relationship with my sister as it is, and she resents me for disapproving of many of her choices over the years. My father is stubborn and, while his disorder means it isn’t entirely his fault, everything falls back to his bad handling of circumstances that should be treated with more delicacy.
Apart from prayer, I do not know what my role should be in this mess. Do I schedule a meeting with a parish priest and try to get my parents and/or sister to go? Or should I stay out of it altogether and let the pieces fall where they may? The worst case scenario is that my parents break up as a result of this as it has been a massive wedge between them since the first fight between my sister and father a year ago. (Actually, my father’s words to my mother verbatim were that she committed a sin “worse than murder” for ruining his Christmas when she, in fact, had absolutely nothing to do with it!) I feel helpless as I watch this insanity unfold around. I do not like the idea of my sister being cut out of the family, but I could almost accept that outcome if only my parents would support each other rather than exchange blame. Some of the things my father says are morally reprehensible, but he feels justified because he believes he has authority over the entire family.
So, if you have been patient enough to read through all of the above, I implore you: what should I do, if anything? And, if anyone has been in a similar situation, how did they deal with each of their family members when everyone has a completely different perspective?
I appreciate any time and prayers than can be offered my way.
- Teresa
Sorry you have felt “entre la espada y la pared” as they’d say here in Mexico (Literally means, “between the sword the wall”, or how we´d say, “between a rock and a hard place”).