family drama

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SoUnhappy80

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hi all, I am having a problem. My husband is stressed all the time - he hates his new job, doesn’t like where we’re living, etc. I am a laid back personality while he is an extreme type A - something that doesn’t go well together. His way of handling an argument is a lot different than mine and cause a huge clash if it gets out of hand - which it does. I am not saying I don’t take blame too - I do. But, when we argue in a nut shell it ends with him asking for a divorce. I get upset and call my parents incase I come back home (I am still really young and would need someone’s help).

Anyway, we argued last night and I had to call my mom and now she’s said if I stay, it’s fine, but she and my dad want nothing more to do with my husband - don’t bring him over again - my mom has a tendency to be REALLY bossy and “speaks” for others, so I don’t know if my dad really said that - she has lied to me before now - including hounding me to get an abortion with my first pregnancy and telling me nobody wanted me to have that baby and that because I was so stressed I probably had “already done something to the baby and it’s prob got some problems or something”, etc (my brother told me he never said any of the things she said he said, and I’m pretty sure my dad never did either). Anyway, my husband wasn’t thrilled either, and I did it - to this day I have issues with it (years later), and no one understands what they pushed me into - at the time I wasn’t really close with God either. My mom still doesn’t care and thinks she was right - as you can see I love my mom, but I am not exactly her fan. I can get into it all day, but I’ll leave it for now.

Let’s just continue on this new issue I guess - my husband is not crazy over my mom or dad either, but he has never forbade me from them - he’s said something in anger (when they have done background checks and other things against him - but who knows, it might have been all my mom again). So, it’s not like some big loss for him, but at the same time he would be pretty mad she would say she never wants to see him again and might even want us not to see them again - I don’t know.

I am not saying we’re staying together, because we’re thinking of seperating since our arguing isn’t helping out our son any (or that’s my husbands argument last night - we had a baby 3 years ago - 2 years after the abortion) but if we do, how should I handle this situation?

I tell you, if I had a job where I could support me and my child I would quite possibly try to get away from them all and move far far away with my son.
 
as long as you allow your mother to interfere in matters that should remain between you and your husband you are guaranteed to have marital problems. there are two retreats for married couples, marriage encounter which focuses on communications issues which you identify, and retrouvaille for troubled marriages where divorce is on the horizon. contact the family life office of your diocese for referrals, and they or Catholic Charities can also refer you to good counsellors. Rachel’s Vineyard is a retreat and counselling for post-abortion healing. The fallout and pain from abortion is immense and long-lasting. Quite frankly were I advising a friend in your situation I would say, based on nothing more than what you have said, that you need a divorce from your mother, not from your husband. We here of course will be praying for you.
 
Thank you puzzle, I know you are right - I allow my mom in. I guess my only “justification” for this is when my husband is mad and threatening to throw me out. I mean, let’s just say he’s a “modern old fashioned” husband :confused: Let me explain - he wants a woman who makes a lot of money and who is June Cleaver. Well I’m neither. I am a great mother, but not always best cook (but am a pretty decent cleaner although I have my days). This doens’t seem to be enough for him. So, when he demands I leave (which is usually a get out of here NOW thing) - I will call my mom and say he’s telling me to leave I’m coming home kind of thing - and then he calms down a while later. Although he is still thinking seperation would be best. Let me tell you though If it comes to it, I am not looking forward to living full time with my mom, and my husband for reasons I won’t go into most likely won’t be able to help financially or in most other ways if we seperate. I don’t have a job.

This is why I wish I did have a good job and that I could just get the heck out of dodge. I screwed up my life so bad.:crying:
 
Can you get counselling? Would he go?
I would try this if he is willing.
Or speak to a good priest.
If he is able to see what he does that is detrimental to the marriage and so are you, you have a chance at rectifying the situation.
And like puzzleannie said, seek some couselling for the pain and the trauma the abortion would have caused. And while you are trying to heal your marriage, stay far away from your mother. She sounds very controlling. You need to be relying on your husband, not your mother.
And PRAY.
God bless
 
hi Jules, no he won’t go to counseling. We actually were being counseled by a priest in the last area we were living and things were going better, but he found an excuse to stop going.

I will pray. It’s about the only thing I can do. I am unhappy if he keeps fighting which seems like it’s every day now, and I am unhappy and being bossed around if I have to move back home. I guess what’s going to happen is going to happen and I need to just make the best of whatever for my son.

I wonder what I’ll tell him when he grows up about why daddy and grandma hate eachother.
 
Here’s the deal. You aren’t THAT young if you’ve got a 3 year old, and were pregnant 2 years before that unless you got married at age 12. So, please STOP running to “mommy” and telling her your personal business.

When you marry, you LEAVE your parents and are united to your husband.

It sounds like you’ve let your mother run your life for a very long time. You need some individual counseling to get beyond that unhealthy dynamic.

You AND your DH need to deal with your abortion. You both need to go on a healing retreat. Contact Rachel’s Vineyard or Project Rachel or call a local crisis pregnancy center which can point you to a local post-abortion healing group. I would wager that most of your relationship problems stem from the abortion and you CAN heal from it. PLEASE don’t wait to get help.

Lastly, you and your DH need a new way of communicating with each other, so look up Retrouvaille at www.retrouvaille.org and go on a retreat.

You can save your marriage and heal from your abortion if you CHOOSE to.

Step one is to stop clinging to your mother’s apron strings and allowing her to run your life.
 
1ke, you are right - I mean I am not 16. I did get married in the middle of college, and have been out for 3 years. But I guess I still feel young b/c I don’t have life experience. You are right, I should count on my husband but I don’t know how to do that when he wants me not to - he says he has enough stress and he wants me to make a lot of money to relieve his stress. He doesn’t care about having kids or family life, his mantra is money, money, money - guess he should have thought twice about marrying a psych major :rolleyes: .

He feels (and I do agree) that it’s not healthy for our boy, so we’re gonna make an effort for a time period and my son and I will be leaving if it doesn’t work.

My husband has a lot of stress - I see that. It comes down on me though when he comes home at night and while yes some of it’s deserved sometimes, he shouldn’t be going off calling me names and then telling me to get out he wants a divorce. This is why I go back to relying on my family because I think I’m about to be out on the street. But it definately has crossed my mind to cut some ties with mommy, I am just afraid too.

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you guys have said.
 
I think its awful that your mother of all people was the impetus for getting an abortion. I think your whole family needs healing from that.

Now with your DH, in my opinion he has a very poor and ineffective way of communicating to you and also controlling and managing his anger. If HE does not get that fixed and recognize his anger controls HIM than you are doomed.

From your posts it doesn’t really sound like you have any hope to begin with. Why can’t you get a job? If you have a college degree you can get a job. You will have to get day care, but depending on what state you live in your child is almost ready for voluntary pre-K, but day care for one child is not bad especially if you can get a decent job, with a psych degree you should be able to.

I think you both need to actually put some EFFORT into things instead of just arguing about them. That’s just my opinion, but I have problems of my own as well, so take it for what its worth.

My prayers are with you guys.
 
Even if your husband won’t go to marriage counseling, you really, really need to go to individual counseling. You have an overbearing and controlling mother who basically groomed you to accept the controlling and abusive treatment you are receiving from your husband. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself, to know who you are…between your husband and your mom you have totally lost that.

Things are not so hopeless. I was in your place a few years ago, but I finally have learned to tell my mom no, and to not let her overly involve herself in my life. I love her, and her intentions were good, but she totally suffocated me. I don’t know how impossible the situation with your husband is. It sounds pretty bad, but I don’t know if it is impossible if he is willing to work on it. I recommend discussing this with a good priest and then finding a good counselor who will help you to know your self worth, find your voice, and establish boundaries. This is so important for you, your child, and even for your husband.

I know how hard it is to be pressed and pressed between the will of two strong minded people. I’m praying for you and hope that you will get some counseling.
 
SoUnhappy80 said:
1ke, you are right - I mean I am not 16. I did get married in the middle of college, and have been out for 3 years. But I guess I still feel young b/c I don’t have life experience. You are right, I should count on my husband but I don’t know how to do that when he wants me not to - he says he has enough stress and he wants me to make a lot of money to relieve his stress. He doesn’t care about having kids or family life, his mantra is money, money, money - guess he should have thought twice about marrying a psych major :rolleyes: .

He feels (and I do agree) that it’s not healthy for our boy, so we’re gonna make an effort for a time period and my son and I will be leaving if it doesn’t work.

My husband has a lot of stress - I see that. It comes down on me though when he comes home at night and while yes some of it’s deserved sometimes, he shouldn’t be going off calling me names and then telling me to get out he wants a divorce. This is why I go back to relying on my family because I think I’m about to be out on the street. But it definately has crossed my mind to cut some ties with mommy, I am just afraid too.

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you guys have said.
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Sorry to hear about your predicament. He keeps throwing divorce at you like a warning sign that he will eventually leave you. Have you thought of going back to school like in the medical field to where you can be self supportive and not have to rely and depend on your parents to run to in case your husband divorces you? Not saying he will just the fact that he threats you with divorce all the time. I would suggest to stay away from your mother since it looks like it is not helping but making things worse. Focus on your marriage, family, self esteem and continue counseling for yourself. Continue to do your best in being a wife, mother and home maker. I know it is hard and since he is not open to counseling then work on yourself. What can you do to make things better for you. I know it is scary but don’t let fear get in the way. God bless. Will be praying for you
 
Are you both Catholic?

Stay close to Jesus, and pray. I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. Please take the advice above to conact Rachel’s Vinyard rachelsvineyard.org/ - they also have programs for men.

I would suggest you read Fr. Dubay’s “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”.
 
As usual, Dulcissima said it before I got a chance.

The problem with getting counselling and separating from your mother is that the process will probably also separate you from your husband. You married your mom. They’re playing tug of war. And neither of them seems to have your best interest at heart. I’m stunned that a grandmother and a father would advocate the death of their own grandchild/child.

You need healing from your anger at them, and mostly at yourself for not standing up to them and protecting your child. That will eat at you forever if you don’t deal with it. God forgives, but you have to seek that out. Please take advantage of Project Rachel and some of the other ministries out there to help you heal from that.

I fear for your eventual safety. I have met your husband. I was married to him. They’re all alike. Completely interchangeable.

The stories vary, but it sounds like in your case he found a very young woman and married her because she was under the control of her mother and he thought he could control her. But as she has grown up and become a mother and matured, she is starting to stand up for herself and that is a threat to him. So he constantly picks and tries to shove you back into that little submissive box. There is not room for you to grow and bloom in his world. There is only room for him and his things.

Physical abuse always starts with verbal abuse. This is a very bad sign, the threatening to leave. He’s basically telling you he wants you gone. He says it enough, it’s like sawing away at a branch… he is doing it to cut you away.

You need to start protecting yourself. Get counselling. Start polishing your job skills. You will need that.

If and when you divorce, be prepared for your relationship with your mother to undergo a similar earthquake. I feel for you. But you don’t have to live like that.

And by the way, a man who says his kid shouldn’t grow up listening to fighting and uses that as an excuse to leave isn’t a man. He’s someone who is breaking his family up and leaving his child vulnerable because he refuses to learn how to live with others with compassion and patience. (he’ll go on to make the next woman miserable, and the one after that, and…) There doesn’t need to be fighting if your husband will just shut his piehole and treat you with some dignity. But that’s not the game he’s playing. Let me guess… YOU start all the fights? Right? Yeah, that’s what mine said too…

😉
 
I have to agree with a lot on here. It may not be best to say anything and all would suffer. Talk to your priest.

My husband’s friends took him to a stip club for his birthday years back and I always wanted to meet his friends so I decided to surprise him. I knew the general area he would be at, but I didn’t know the name of the bar - I went to every one besides THAT strip club, but God kept calling to me to go inside. I said I dind’t want to - and I felt like he was telling me to go check it out and if he’s not there I could just walk out. Well, low and behold as I walked in his friend’s jaws dropped and I ran into him. Let me tell you just from that I couldn’t trust him for YEARS. I cant’ even imagine what it would do to your wife, so therefore I have to side that you should ask your priest first and be prepared to follow his advice even if it’s to keep quiet. It may be hard, but as it has been said, all will pay the price if you tell - only you will if you keep it.

This may not be worth destroying your marriage over. Talk to your priest.

Get yourself tested though ASAP. At 1 month after exposure, an HIV test would be over 50% accurate, and I belive they say the maximum time needed to tell for sure is 3 months. I don’t believe they have any way of detecting herpes unless you have an outbreak, and as for HPV, I don’t even think they can test males - a woman can contract it and if there are any problems (an abnormal test), they will treat it. Basically as long as she gets yearly paps the risk of her getting some kind of deadly cancer is low - usually cervical cancer is a slow cancer and most kinds of HPV don’t really do anything. This is why I am a supporter of that shot for girls against HPV. Also, you can get tested soon after exposure for ghonorhea and clymadia (sp?). Talk to your doctor confidentially - he can do this for you.
 
Thank you for your replies. I am taking them all under advisement and there are some great points. I have a question though. Since my mom has said she never wants to see my H again, if my H and I are able to work things out (or try to anyway in which event we would still be together at that point), what should I do about my mom not wanting to see H? I just can’t tell him what she’s said - that she never wants to see him. What am I supposed to say if we are in the area for a visit? She doesnt’ want to see you, sorry? This is going to affect her relationship with me and our 3 year old - I can see it already. She’s selfish and doesn’t see it.
 
When you plan a visit, you send mom a note that says “We will be visiting Homeville on May 8-10, would like to see you if you are available, please let me know.”

If she responds, you have a lunch and visit, if not, you visit your friends and go on.
 
SoUnhappy80:
Everyone’s recommending counseling to you; I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I suppose you could speak with your priest if you have no cash and no insurance. Or you could contact a local or regional center for battered women. They would even take you and your child in and your husband (and your mother) would not have to know where you are.

I’m curious to know whether you were married in the church or if you just had a civil union. A civil union can be dissolved and all parties go their separate ways without changing the status of your child (s/he would still be legitimate). Also, the Church would never have recognized this marriage anyway, so you would be free to pursue another relationship when you are ready without reprisal from the Vatican. At least, this is what I was told in 1988 when I filed for divorce (civil marriage).

If your husband is the only breadwinner in your home and he comes to find out that you are spending money on therapy in which he is not included (by his choice, of course, but that never seems to matter in the argument), he might come down on you pretty hard - be prepared for anger to appear. Put away your money, shop with coupons, do your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body-building so you are ready when you decide what you’re going to do. And don’t think about it so much that you are paralyzed by the inability to take action. Sounds like you know in your gut what you want to do but you can’t do it on your own; you mother would support your decision, but you’ve been told to banish her, as well. You can’t take action based upon decisions made in a vacuum. Keep tuning into this forum and you will get the support you need. You and your child deserve a good life based on what God has designed for you, not based on what your husband demands or what your mother requires of you. Good luck, and all the prayers your heart can hold.

marietta
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I’m stunned that a grandmother and a father would advocate the death of their own grandchild/child.

You need healing from your anger at them, and mostly at yourself for not standing up to them and protecting your child.

😉
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Yes, I mean, clearly you could see I did not want to go through with it. I kept saying to them God will not forgive me - this is not what I should do. My mom is not Catholic (protestant) and she kept saying you are too young, noone is happy about this, God will forgive, etc. My husband and I were going through a rough patch then too, and in anger one day he said we shouldn’t be having a baby, and I was sick of hearing that from him so in anger I made the apt. by that time, when we were leaving for it, I called it off. Then I got scared no one would support me and got scared. We went then. When we were there I didn’t want to do it. I even separated myself from everyone else and went to think - the lady came up to me and asked me if I even wanted to do this and men come and go make your own decesion - I called my H back there and said I didn’t know. He didn’t have a response and I just sent him back out at that point and stupidly made the wrong choice then.

Only after did he realize what he had done not supporting me having the baby - he went to eat something and saw a couple with a newborn. He came out crying and said he would never again in his life ever advocate it and that he was 100% wrong.

My mom on the other hand keeps giving her opinion. Even when I was wearing a loose shirt, she came up to me and said “are you pregnant? You shouldn’t ever had another child with him”. I mean, she keeps saying it “dont’ have another baby with that man” or “do you know how expensive it is to have a kid? Only have one”. She even said one time something to the effect that she loves us, but she should have had only one, or if I remember right, maybe none at all? :confused: I just want to tell her to shut up sometimes :mad:
 
SoUnhappy80 said:
My mom on the other hand keeps giving her opinion. Even when I was wearing a loose shirt, she came up to me and said “are you pregnant? You shouldn’t ever had another child with him”. I mean, she keeps saying it “dont’ have another baby with that man” or “do you know how expensive it is to have a kid? Only have one”. She even said one time something to the effect that she loves us, but she should have had only one, or if I remember right, maybe none at all? :confused: I just want to tell her to shut up sometimes :mad:
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Tell her to do just that. Rinse and repeat everytime she says something unacceptable.

How would you react if the woman next door or your son’s teacher or a friend from across the road told you not to have another baby with that man? Or said “only have one”? Maybe you would think it was none of her business. (Being me, I’d probably tell her to go boil her head. :o But you sound a lot more kind-hearted than I.) If you would be upset or annoyed by a stranger saying those things, it is even less acceptable for your mother to say them - your own mother should not want to mistreat you or say anything that clearly upsets you unless it is really necessary for your good. And once we’re grown-ups, our parents ought to be a little more circumspect in deciding what’s good for us on our behalf anyway.

To try to illustrate my point … I went through a patch of putting up with a bit of harangue (nothing compared to what you’re living with) over a certain church activity we are both involved in where everyone in the group but H thought we should follow a certain course, and that course was decided on at a meeting. As the nominal head of the activity, it was up to me to put the chosen course into practise, and let’s just say I heard a bit about it at home. One day I realised that if H and the lady next door were involved in it instead of him and me, and she were the nominal head of the activity instead of me, no way would he walk next door, ring her doorbell and speak to her the same way about it on the doorstep - he’d accept the decision of the group and leave the matter behind at the meeting. He wouldn’t go in there once a day and continue needling her, and if he did, her husband would tell him to move along. But because we shared a house, I got picked at over it. And then it dawned on me - I am entitled to at least as much respect from my family as they give the lady next door. More, in fact - in her own home, a wife counts for much more than the neighbours! And I stopped tolerating it.

Whether I would accept it from a stranger or whether my family would do it to a stranger has been my acid test for acceptable behaviour ever since. I count for more than a stranger. I know our families sometimes have to “speak the truth in love” to us and we can’t expect “party manners” all the time from those we live with but no way does that give them carte blanche to treat us in a way that would get them a punch in the nose in any other circumstance.

You’ve sure got a lot on your plate, Unhappy. 😦 :console:
 
SoUnhappy80 said:
My mom on the other hand keeps giving her opinion. Even when I was wearing a loose shirt, she came up to me and said “are you pregnant? You shouldn’t ever had another child with him”. I mean, she keeps saying it “dont’ have another baby with that man” or “do you know how expensive it is to have a kid? Only have one”. She even said one time something to the effect that she loves us, but she should have had only one, or if I remember right, maybe none at all? :confused: I just want to tell her to shut up sometimes :mad:
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Honestly, and I’m going to get flamed for saying this but you need to grow up, tell you mom to butt out of your life and act like an adult. Stand up to your mom. Yes we are called to respect our parents. You can still respect the dignity of her life (which by the way she DID NOT do with your childs life), but you can compeltely butt her out. Why are you even still dependent on her at all. You have a degree, get more training if you need it, there are financial resources for people needing more education, and get a job. You are too dependent on people who are ruining your life and if you continue to depend on them they will continue to control you. And if you and your H try to work things out and you mom doesn’t want to see him, than just tell her than she won’t see you either. Its that easy. I honestly don’t think I would even want someone who has those types of comments and opinions even in my life, even if it was my mother. Just my opinion.
 
TallyCatholic said:
Honestly, and I’m going to get flamed for saying this but you need to grow up, tell you mom to butt out of your life and act like an adult. Stand up to your mom. Yes we are called to respect our parents. You can still respect the dignity of her life (which by the way she DID NOT do with your childs life), but you can compeltely butt her out. Why are you even still dependent on her at all. You have a degree, get more training if you need it, there are financial resources for people needing more education, and get a job. You are too dependent on people who are ruining your life and if you continue to depend on them they will continue to control you. And if you and your H try to work things out and you mom doesn’t want to see him, than just tell her than she won’t see you either. Its that easy. I honestly don’t think I would even want someone who has those types of comments and opinions even in my life, even if it was my mother. Just my opinion.
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No flaming here, I agree with you.

OP just how old are you?
 
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