Family dyamics (or leaving and cleaving)

[AthenaC]

TheRealJuliane:

This happens to those of us with boys, no matter whom they end up marrying. It’s just one of those things - the wife usually has stronger ties to her family, and the husband “leaves and cleaves” to his wife, so she takes priority and her family often-times gets first choice as to their time. Her mother will help her with the wedding, her mother will help her first with the babies as they come along. She will carry on the traditions in HER family and not yours. (Unless she had a dysfunctional past, in which case you might keep your son close because the DIL will become like a daughter you never had! But there would be other challenges with that type of situation.)

BlueEyedLady:

Don’t be so sure. I can already tell that FH and I will be closer to his family than mine, and mine isn’t dysfunctional. My family lives in a super rural area and his family lives in the city that we are trying to move to. It is the city that we want to settle down in and raise our children. Neither of us would ever be happy where my family is. Now my family does get priority when we have the time to visit someone because we see his family so much more. Mine is very poor and can’t afford to visit, his comes to see us 5 or 6 times a year.

He has a large, eccentric immigrant family that I adore. I want his eastern European family’s traditions passed on along with my own. (He has a hard time seeing why.) Because of proximity his family will be with our kids more than mine. And I have already told his mother that she is welome to be as involved in helping me with the wedding as she has the time and desire to be. (She has a daughter but she won’t get to plan a wedding.)

TheRealJulianne, you gave me the idea for this thread. I saw your post above, and I thought, “That’s a very interesting observation … in both of my marriages that particular dynamic has not happened, since I am not close to my parents at all.” But then again, I am a sample size of 1.

So I’d like to hear about everyone’s family dynamics with their families, their in-laws, whether or not they think it’s healthy, and what they would change about it if they could.

I am curious to see if any gender-specific patterns emerge.

 

[jilly4ski]

hmm, interesting topic.

I am a wife, and I find that often my family gets priority on some things (though it is usually equal time on holidays and such). Part of it is very specific to our families. My parents house is much more kid friendly than the in-laws, and my parents a little bit better when it comes to taking care of the kids, and my mom is
retired’ which means she is home a lot. So it is easier to go their and spend time at the house. We are also my in-laws first kids to be close in town, so I feel they don’t want to be pushy and impose themselves on us. Also, it seems that the eldest child (my sister in-law) has sort of set the tone for interactions. My SIL is the one to call MIL(her mother) and invite her over or invite themselves over, etc. So MIL doesn’t call or invite (heck, they have even declined many invites from us lately).

I am the one who calls my mom and asks about a recipe, or how to get a stain out of a shirt, or to complain about the kids behavior, etc. (Though my husband called just last week to get a recipe ). Women often do the things like cards or invites, which mean that her family often get more attention. We did spend several months living in my in-laws home last year, so maybe they are just sick of us.

 

[Veronica97]

Well, in my case I am not exceptionally close with my parents, although I do try to honor them and I pray for them. When I married my husband I was only 19 and his mom took me under her wing and became like a second mom to me. She is the only grandparent who took a real interest in our son. She was always the one I called with a problem, the one who brought us chicken soup when we were sick. I have to say there have been a few times when she overstepped her boundaries, but for the most part she has been one of my best friends. Now that she is elderly, I am the one helping her in return: going to the doctor with her, giving her advice when she is upset, etc. My husband is the only child of 4 who lives in the same town; one of his sisters lives an hour and a half away and the other two live in far away states. So we are basically “it” as far as seeing that she and her husband are doing okay on a daily basis. I think it is only right that I return the kindness she showed me. Since I only have one son, I’m a little scared that one day he might marry and his wife won’t like me or I won’t be able to see my grandchildren. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about MIL and DIL. But I know it’s something I have to leave up to the Lord.

 

[Usige]

I wouldn’t say TheRealJuliane’s observations are universal or even the norm.

My wife is an only child and I come from a larger family. Generally when we have family events it’s with my family and we invite her dad to join us. Most of this is because visiting her family is boring for my kids. When they are with my brother and sisters families there are cousins to hang with and talk to. At her dads everyone watches TV and looks to leave as soon as possible. Her family traditions haven’t been passed on because they never really had any that she cared about. Even talking to her dad he really didn’t have any traditions from his family growing up.

It’s not because I’m closer to my family than she is. She talks to my parents more often than I do. I think some families just aren’t tight knit or see family bonds as a priority. I don’t think that’s a matter of dysfunction or gender, just the way some families are.

 

[mschrank]

Interesting observations here. I think that a healthy break, you know, a good leaving, from the original nuclear family is a very good thing. It’s better to be a little too distant than a little too close to the family founded by one’s parents after marriage. I know that in some cultures its normal to remain part of the family you were born into and there’s very little leaving at all- in some cultures the bride moves into the FIL/MILs home!- but I cannot speak for those cultures. I only know our own cultural and social situation.

I love my children, but I am raising men, and I will be successful as a parent when they leave the home on a good footing and as well morally and spiritually developed adults. My wife and I have plans and things we want to do after children. I hope that we will not be too far away from them, but, I want them to leave and become heads of their own families when the time comes. I will always be their father and I want them to turn to me for advice but I don’t want to continue to be responsible for them when they reach adulthood.

 

[PatriceA]

TheRealJulianne, you gave me the idea for this thread. I saw your post above, and I thought, “That’s a very interesting observation … in both of my marriages that particular dynamic has not happened, since I am not close to my parents at all.” But then again, I am a sample size of 1.

So I’d like to hear about everyone’s family dynamics with their families, their in-laws, whether or not they think it’s healthy, and what they would change about it if they could.

I am curious to see if any gender-specific patterns emerge.

Maybe at one time, there was a universal norm or observation for daughters to be naturally close to their parents even after they married, but I don’t think that’s true now. Too many broken families due to divorce, too many couples not even living close to either set of parents, too many individual life circumstance and backgrounds to say Julianne’s observations are the norm.

I thought I’d be closer to my mom after being married for close to 14 years, but my dad’s death changed my mom significantly. It forever changed our closeness. My husband also experienced a life changing situation a few years before we got married that forever changed the dynamics of his relationship with his parents. We’re not close to either side of the family, we’re on the fringe for the most part. There was no way of predicting this was how it was going to play out when we first got married, but it is what it is.

 

[cviolette]

I do think that the wife plays a bigger part on how much time is spent with her family and her husband’s family. But that does not necessarily mean that she will spend more time with her own family. It depends how she feels about her in-laws and whether or not they get along. Also, how she feels about her own family.

My husband’s family is not close. They get together for Christmas every year and that is about it. His dad has arranged for the whole family to get together for several vacations. He has 5 brothers and 1 sister. They never show up for birthdays, first communion, graduations or confirmations. I have invited them over for Easter for many years. Only one of his brothers has every shown up. So I eventually stopped inviting them. I told my husband that he is welcome to invite whoever he wants to special events but I will never call his family again. I got tired of the excuses and rejection. My husband’s relationship with his parents is up to him. I don’t remind him to call for bdays or Mother’s day. It is up to him.

My family wouldn’t let me go even if I tried. You are expected to show up for holidays, special occasion and any group get together. When I didn’t want to go camping with them last year, they called my kids and arranged for them to all go. LOL! There was no way that all the cousins where not going to be together.

I come from a crazy, dysfunctional family but we are close. My kids prefer my family because they are fun and nuts. They always have a crazy story to tell.

I guess the bottom line is that I would have been part of my husband’s family if they would have let me. I do hope that once we are divorced that my children still keep in touch with their dad’s side of the family but it is doubtful.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

We’re much closer to my husband’s family. We live less than two miles from them, for one thing. And my mother-in-law was always more welcoming of me than my family was to my husband. (That’s embarrassing to admit but nevertheless true.)

Luna

 

[AthenaC]

We’re much closer to my husband’s family. We live less than two miles from them, for one thing. And my mother-in-law was always more welcoming of me than my family was to my husband. (That’s embarrassing to admit but nevertheless true.)

Luna

knocks on Luna’s window

Hello? Are you me in disguise?

 

[Litcrit]

We’re much closer to my husband’s family. They’re sane and warm and have an interest in us and our children. We spend every holiday with them and sometimes vacation with them too.