Family finances trouble again

[holly_potter]

I’m scared.

My dad just emailed me saying that he wants to transfer the car ownership to me ASAP, and wants me to get my own phone ASAP too. It’s not out of anger or anything…the way his email is tells me that he’s facing financial difficulties. Here’s the story.

He and I had agreed Jan 2006, when we bought the 2003 Malibu (used), that I would pay half the car and insurance, and he’d pay the other half. Obviously it’s in his name, since I was a senior in high school at the time. I’ve always have been careful with my money, and have always kept up my end of the bargain, and so has he (though he’s not as careful with his money). The car will be paid off in Feb 2011, and as of last month the balance on the car is about $6,000. I’ve been the primary driver of the car–it was just his way of supporting me as I was in college, since I’m pretty much paying for college myself. But now if I take ownership of the car, I have to come up with 6,000 and give it to my dad, lump sum, so he can pay off his loan…meaning I’ll have to take out a loan to do that (actually, 7000 loan for myself so I can pay tax and license as well.)

I moved out for personal reasons (dunno if you remember a while back I was talking about family situation being…um… tense?) and now share a place with a really good roommate. ( I work with her mom ). And I’ve taken on a second job, so I’m working about 36 hrs a week, while going to school full time. I’ve been able to cover my expenses with with some money left over each month. But, assuming a car loan of 7,000 at a estimated rate of 10% means I’m paying about 260/mo, and a preleminary insurance quote from Geico (will check other insurance providers) means I’m paying about 120/mo. I don’t think I can afford it. I’m praying I can get student loans, but I’ve already exhausted my Federal Stafford Loans eligibility. And my parents will not be in a position to get a PLUS loan because, frankly, they’re trying to get rid of some of their debt (which is, as of last count, over $100,000, not including their mortgage). And Dad makes quite a bit of money in the Government’s view, which is pretty much penalizing me, sadly.

I have about one more year of school left, graduating in May 2010.

So, I’m trying to figure out what I should do, or what options I could consider. For starters, my fiance and I are looking at ways to make the wedding even cheaper. The old max limit was $2000, but we’re attempting to whittle it down to possibly under 1,000. I could tell Dad to sell the car, and try to get a cheaper one, but my current car is reliable, and Dad had recently put on very nice tires. My concern is with another used car, it may not be as reliable (money on repairs) and I may have to get new tires (yikes!).

So, if I can’t get student loans…what other sort of options can I consider? I’d love any more insight from you guys.

 

[holly_potter]

Crud!!!

I got a new email from him.

As soon as we have your car issue under control, I’ll look into closing out the US Bank account that we hold jointly. Until that time, leave enough money in there that I can take care of your part of the car payment. I’ll figure out with the bank what has to be done since you were a minor when we opened it.

Also, please begin plans to get on your own health insurance as soon as possible. I’ll give you a little time to take care of it, but not more than just a few months. Please let me know when you have new insurance. Otherwise, I’ll let you know before I have dropped you from our medical and dental insurance.

Also, if you don’t want to pay off the rest of the car, you can return the car to me and I’ll finish the payments since it is in my name. I’ll then keep the car.

Well, I sorta need the car for winter, but I guess I can bike to school and work (1 mile and 7 miles, respectively), while the weather is good enough. But now health insurance?!?!?!?!

Another question if any of you guys know…what’s the average rate for private student loans, since i’ve exhuasted my Federal Stafford Loan eligibility?

 

[noclevername]

I don’t know what you should do but post this on the ClarkHoward forum. It’s not a Catholic forum, it’s a consumer forum. There are so many very smart people over there who could give you some really good advice. Post on the ‘general’ section of the forum. Here is a link to the website. clarkhoward.com/p/boards/ch/wwwthreads.pl

 

[noclevername]

Crud!!!

I got a new email from him.

Well, I sorta need the car for winter, but I guess I can bike to school and work (1 mile and 7 miles, respectively), while the weather is good enough. But now health insurance?!?!?!?!

Another question if any of you guys know…what’s the average rate for private student loans, since i’ve exhuasted my Federal Stafford Loan eligibility?

OK, still not sure about the car/money situation but as for insurance, do not under any circumstances let yourself be uncovered at all. Not even for an hour. Something simple can happen and put you in financial trouble. There are plans that have a $2000 deductible and then pay 80/20 that cost next to nothing. Call your auto insurance and ask them and they can refer you to a reputable company for those plans. Also, check with your school, a lot of universities offer very reasonable health insurance for students.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m assuming your dad took a huge plunge in the stockmarket, and is in panic mode. It definitely seems like he is panic stricken over ‘something,’ I’m guessing it could be stocks. Many people are worried about their jobs, about their 401k’s, pensions, etc…your dad is looking at you now as an adult, and is asking you to take what you can, to help ease his worry a bit.

I would probably try my best to make the car payments considering that you need a car, you say. It doesn’t sound like you can completely go without one. Unless there is really reliable public transportation where you are at school, then you probably need the car. I would seek out cheaper insurance, and see if you can handle this. Take one step at a time…don’t panick too. I know it’s easy to do with finances, but it’s only money, remember that. Money doesn’t have any power over us, only the power we allow it to have over us.

I would take that first step…and then see if you can handle it. I would try to find health insurance asap, and e-health has some good rates.

Just keep praying that God will direct your next steps, and He will! But, know that your dad is not unlike many nowadays…he is worrying of where he might be in 5 years. Many are.

I hope you can get everything taken care of soon…Praying for you.

 

[holly_potter]

OK, still not sure about the car/money situation but as for insurance, do not under any circumstances let yourself be uncovered at all. Not even for an hour. Something simple can happen and put you in financial trouble. There are plans that have a $2000 deductible and then pay 80/20 that cost next to nothing. Call your auto insurance and ask them and they can refer you to a reputable company for those plans. Also, check with your school, a lot of universities offer very reasonable health insurance for students.

Okay, I posted on that forum you linked me to–thanks for the suggestion. And I most certainly will sign up for the student health insurance at my school, it’s only about $850 for a year. Last thing I need is more financial difficulties, and it never fails, when people are uncovered a severe medical problem arises. Thanks for your advice

 

[whatevergirl]

OK, still not sure about the car/money situation but as for insurance, do not under any circumstances let yourself be uncovered at all. Not even for an hour. Something simple can happen and put you in financial trouble. There are plans that have a $2000 deductible and then pay 80/20 that cost next to nothing. Call your auto insurance and ask them and they can refer you to a reputable company for those plans. Also, check with your school, a lot of universities offer very reasonable health insurance for students.

If you have a car payment or lease, you HAVE to have car insurance…the bank requires it.

I used to sell personal lines in PA, and I don’t remember the limits on deductibles going as high as $2000…The highest I believe is $500 deductible on auto, if memory serves me.

 

[holly_potter]

I’m assuming your dad took a huge plunge in the stockmarket, and is in panic mode. It definitely seems like he is panic stricken over ‘something,’

I would probably try my best to make the car payments considering that you need a car, you say. It doesn’t sound like you can completely go without one. Unless there is really reliable public transportation where you are at school, then you probably need the car. I would seek out cheaper insurance, and see if you can handle this. Take one step at a time…don’t panick too. I know it’s easy to do with finances, but it’s only money, remember that. Money doesn’t have any power over us, only the power we allow it to have over us.

I would take that first step…and then see if you can handle it. I would try to find health insurance asap, and e-health has some good rates.

Just keep praying that God will direct your next steps, and He will! But, know that your dad is not unlike many nowadays…he is worrying of where he might be in 5 years. Many are.

I hope you can get everything taken care of soon…Praying for you.

Thanks for the encouragement. My dad doesn’t have any stocks, but he has been getting cuts in pay lately at work, so I almost wonder if he got a further pay cut. He doesn’t tell me his finances, but I get a few slivers of info from my mom occasionally. As for the transportation, my city is like the worst for public transportation, the busses break down all the time. So a car is very nearly a necessity, though I did buy a bike recently so I can just get more exercise during the summer, and then buy a car when I can. at the very least it will keep me healthy I will definitely get medical insurance, though. Thanks for praying I’m mostly worried about my other siblings that are living at home right now.

And I’m worried about going broke. I will be talking with Fin Aid tomorrow, and see if they can give me some sort of student loan, and plus, they may consider a “aid appeal” where I can prove I’m independent of them. They know me, and I’m a good student, getting an offer to join into a pretty exclusive honor society, recently. So they may be able to help me. I will also talk with Fr. at my parish, to see if there are ways I can make the wedding even cheaper next summer. Maybe he has some more insight into my problem.

 

[nodito]

It sounds like you’re going to be forced to become responsible for a number of major expenses seemingly overnight. I would recommend reading up on Dave Ramsey’s advice sometime soon. He’s all about getting out of debt quickly so that you have the freedom to “live like no one else” and find financial peace. daveramsey.com/etc/cms/index.cfm?intContentID=2867

Dave Ramsey would probably encourage you to sell the car. Sell the car for whatever you can get (play up the fact that it has new tires), pay off the debt, and use whatever is left plus some of your own cash to buy a beater. You can definitely get a reliable used car for under six thousand dollars. When all is said and done, you’ll have a car that you own completely and no car payments.

Also, I second the importance of having health insurance.

Good luck!

 

[AHapka]

Well, if you do decide to keep the car one thing to keep in mind that in some states (my own state of Wisconsin is one), you do not pay taxes when transferring ownership of a car from parent to child. So look into that, should be easy to find at your states DOT website. Though you may not be able to transfer the registration, that’ll at least save you some money.

Have you checked on financing rates? 10% seems a little high. If you have good credit, I think you’ll get a better rate. Look around. $6500 over 5 years at 6% would be 125.66 a month, for example.

Also, I got a quote from Geico once. They were far more expensive for me. Make sure you get at least five quotes, and have some be from local agencies. Also a $500 deductible will save you a ton of money.

 

[holly_potter]

Apparently I was wrong in assuming Dad’s in financial distress. I’m talking with my brother, who still lives at home, and apparently Dad’s disowning me, because of a misundertsanding, which I’m attempting to sort out right now with him.

 

[nodito]

Yikes! That’s a pretty big misunderstanding…

Hope you get things all sorted out.

 

[Katie1723]

If it were me, I’d let dad take the car. So long as you didn’t co sign for it, it really isn’t your responsibility.
Kathy

 

[holly_potter]

Okay, so…yesterday my mom was over to help me hang curtains she made for me. I had invited fiance and his sister along, and I was hoping Mom would bring along the kids and Dad—I told her as much. She ended up bringing only one of my sisters. I just thought that since we were recently engaged that she would like seeing us both, the whole family. I really didn’t have that much time because of school, and neither did fiance, but we made it work. We really wanted to include my family in the joyous occasion. So that’s why he and i was talking with my mom, telling her all the plans we were thinking of, including parts we hadn’t decided yet, getting her opinion.

I wish my parents would tell me what was the matter if I did something they didn’t like, instead of just not saying anything or asking clarification or whatever, before cutting me off entirely. I was talking with my brother last night, as he still lives at home, and he was overhearing everything my parents said. That’s the only way we could ever find out what sort of offense we caused them, when we were growing up and even now, since they don’t tell us very much. And so he and I were trying to figure out how to patch things up. He found out the whole misunderstanding part from me, and so he was going to tell the folks today–and he was able to do that. But there is still some sort of ultimate insult I gave them, the family, and the Church (dunno how I insulted the Church!!!) or so my brother said.

I didn’t know my dad was really dreaming about walking me down the aisle. In fact, he had told me I can do what I want, my mom told me yesterday they don’t want to interfere, and my dad had said before, if I didn’t want to get married in the Church it would be okay (fiance is Presbyterian). Well, fiance was actually wanting a wedding Mass! There was no way I wasn’t going to get married outside of the Catholic Church. But I took my parents by their word. And fiance and I was reasearching all that’s required for a Catholci wedding, and on foryorumarriage.org we saw how the Catholic way is to have both the bride and groom walk down the aisle together with the parents walking behind us. We loved that, and we told my mom that was our plan, yesterday. If we had known that was what Dad really wanted in the first place, we would have gone with it!

Everything was early in the planning stages. We were still getting ideas together, but there’s not htat much to plan since we’re keeping it cheap. But apparently Mom feels left out of the wedding planning. Most of the plans arent’ going to be made until after we talk with the priest! And after the semester is over, I told her that. Thank God fiance’s family is so supportive and nice. They were helping me get a perspective of the situation, and figure out how to proceed from here, because all I want to do is to patch things up. I am not really that mad at them, just deeply hurt that they would disown me before communicating their problems with me. My mom sent me an email this morning telling me what the problem was, and she did so only because my brother was talking with her for me. And apparently it’s been a long chain of abuses I’ve been inflicting on them? If any of you have seen my previous post on the emotional trouble in my family, it’s actually is vice versa, though I keep trying to figure out what I was doing to them. I almost really wish it was me abusing them, that way I can change it and make it better. But that hurt me.

When I found out Dad was cutting off all financial dealings, I didn’t think he was mad at me, I only presumed he got furhter pay cuts and needed to cut on his debt, and I wanted to help him by indeed making myself `100% self sufficient. But as my brother told me, they think I’m not visiting enough, basically. Or by myself (Jeff has been going with me on some visits to make sure Dad won’t emotionally hurt me again…I’ve been afraid of that, still.) But I have been to visit by myself quite frequently, recently, within the abilities outside of my two jobs and full time school. Sometimes I’m too busy with homework and stuff. But I try to email them and reply quickly to their emails as I can. I can’t continue the same thing I had with them before I moved out! Doesn’t moving out involve a little bit of change? And now the marriage… I’m sorry for the spiel…I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here.

 

[holly_potter]

I am cutting my financial dealings iwth them, though, so they can’t use money to guilt me. fiance, his family, and I are trying to set boundaries…I don’t want what happened recently in the Ask and Apologist forum to happen to me (parents guilting me to move back) after I move away with my future husband–his job field requires a broad nation-wide search for the teaching position.

Fiance is buying a car with his thousands of dollars in bonds—used, cheap, and it will already be paid off. He and I will be needing to drive, anyway, after we’re married, so we’re just getting the car a bit sooner, is all, for my sake. He’s putting it in both of our names, but I’m going to be the primary driver on it.

And I’m going to get a new phone and plan. To make it cheap, I’m opting into his mom’s minute pool, because none of us really ever talk on the phone. It’s just as an emergency sort of thing. Fiance is telling me to consider the new phone a gift from him, a geeky gift from a geek

And I just got another 1,000 dollar loan from Financial Aid to pay for a whole year of my own health insurance. So I will be completely independent of them. I’m hoping that will make the dynamics of the relationship just a bit differently…adult to adult rather than dependent to adult.

So, blessed be the Lord, money is working out. Just would appreciate prayers as I try to fix things with my family Thank you.

 

[1ke]

Holly,

Your parents are emotionally abusive, and possibly both have mental problems. They certainly sound like they stopped maturing at about age 13.

I am glad you have found your fiance and his family to show you what normal families are like.

Stop trying to please your parents, you will never be able to do so. Stop worrying about what they think, what you “did” to them (nothing), and how to tiptoe around them.

You are headed in the right direction with becoming totally financially independent of them. Try to become emotionally independent as well. They are still hurting you by making you think you have done something wrong and that if you could just figure out the “right” thing then they would love you unconditionally. These people are not capable of that type of love.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I agree with 1ke. My parents are like this as well and the best thing I did was to move out and be financially independent. The ridiculous behavior is still there but at least I have the stability of not relying on them or worrying about when they decide to pull the support. Sometimes you don’t realize how bad the emotional abuse is until you’ve actually had time away from it and relearned what is normal. I know I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was on my own. I’m glad you’ve found a good guy–my DH helped me a great deal as I made the transition to being on my own.

Like 1ke said–don’t stress out trying to please them. Just do your best to be a good Catholic and a good person and you’ll be doing the right thing.

And prayers promised! You’re going through the hardest part right now–the separating yourself from them. It does get easier as you build a life away from their control.

 

[holly_potter]

Thank you 1ke and kevinsgirl…I really do appreciate your encouragement!

I still feel pretty bad that they think I hurt them, to be honest. My mom and I emailed a little bit this morning. She said that they felt deeply hurt because I didn’t want my dad in the wedding or with me as I walked down the aisle. She also told me that my sister can’t be my maid of honor, and that she’s not making my dress, nor are they helping with anything else. They thought I was treating them as help and not including the family.

My mom had said all along she wants to make my wedding dress, and I asked her if she could. And as for everything else—the homemade cookies for the reception, I said, you can help me if you want, for example. I always made sure that they knew they didn’t have to help me…so this hurts me a bit more.

That was not the case how I didn’t want my dad with me–the processional fiance and I were originally thinking was the one where both sets of parents escort us both down the aisle, so it would be both Mom and Dad escorting me, for example. I offered to change it for her and Dad, but they still think that I hate my dad and did the ultimate insult to him. I explained the procession in my last email to my mom, apologizing only for the misunderstanding.

And I got another email from my mom since I started this post. I finally got the misunderstanding sorted out. Now they know I never wanted to leave my dad out of the wedding. But in her words, “it is done”. They still won’t help me or “forgive” me for what I did. I wonder why they can’t move on from the misunderstanding?!

 

[1ke]

I wonder why they can’t move on from the misunderstanding?!

Because they are emotionally immature and manipulative. This is how they get their way. This is how they keep you unstable and off-balance. **This is how they control you. **

They still are controling you-- you are spending countless amounts of time and energy worrying over this, “explaining” over and over in email, and trying desparately to get their approval and unconditional love.

Again, they are NOT capable of giving you that.

 

[holly_potter]

Thanks 1ke…I’m still realizing this, it’s definitely hard to try to change from the way I’ve been to the "normal’ way of things, but I am trying, and thanks so much to my helpful fiance and his family I’m takign steps to disentangle myself from them. Then, when my finances are compeltely separate, they won’t have a way to try to guilt me anymore.

After this class I’m going ot the bank and writing a check from my joint acct with my dad and deposit it into my other account that’s entirely in my name. fiance is looking at cars, I will get a new phone this week, and insurance is the next step. And I’m working on getting my drect deposit from one of my jobs into my acct. My other job is already in my account. Then I will mail in the phone as per Dad’s request (didn’t even want to see me, just wanted it mailed) so I’m going to also park my car in a mall parking lot or something and just mail in my keys with the phone in insured mail. And my goal is to get it disentangled by the end of the month.

Then I will be free. It will still hurt that I can’t see my five siblings, three dogs, and two cats, but it is worth it for my own mental health, my fiance’s mental health, and for his and my relationship and future marriage. It is worth it. I will still keep in touch, and they’re still invited to the wedding.

My brother is so worried about me talking with people about this becuase he’s afraid that they will get the wrong idea about my parents…apaprently a few of them were texting him wondering why my parents are so evil (he and I share a few friends, basically…I’m doing my best not to include them into the struggle. I just ask for prayers.). But that’s the way we were raised, to keep things to ourselves–they keep things to themselves. That’s how this misunderstanding came about, I think…my parents never talked to me or explained their feelings.

Ah well, it’s spring, and the grass is green, so I’m focusing on that, or trying to

Thanks for the support and prayers.