Family finances trouble again

[kevinsgirl]

Thank you 1ke and kevinsgirl…I really do appreciate your encouragement!

I still feel pretty bad that they think I hurt them, to be honest. My mom and I emailed a little bit this morning. She said that they felt deeply hurt because I didn’t want my dad in the wedding or with me as I walked down the aisle. She also told me that my sister can’t be my maid of honor, and that she’s not making my dress, nor are they helping with anything else. They thought I was treating them as help and not including the family.

My mom had said all along she wants to make my wedding dress, and I asked her if she could. And as for everything else—the homemade cookies for the reception, I said, you can help me if you want, for example. I always made sure that they knew they didn’t have to help me…so this hurts me a bit more.

That was not the case how I didn’t want my dad with me–the processional fiance and I were originally thinking was the one where both sets of parents escort us both down the aisle, so it would be both Mom and Dad escorting me, for example. I offered to change it for her and Dad, but they still think that I hate my dad and did the ultimate insult to him. I explained the procession in my last email to my mom, apologizing only for the misunderstanding.

And I got another email from my mom since I started this post. I finally got the misunderstanding sorted out. Now they know I never wanted to leave my dad out of the wedding. But in her words, “it is done”. They still won’t help me or “forgive” me for what I did. I wonder why they can’t move on from the misunderstanding?!

Sweetie, you’re just gonna have to get married without their help because, honestly, the first sign of something they don’t like, they are gonna use whatever they promised to do to blackmail you. They don’t like the flowers you picked? “Ok, then I won’t finish making your dress.”

That sort of thing is childish, immature, and controlling to the extreme, but you’re just going to have to accept that your parents are like that and you can’t change that about them. And then you need to move on.

Because they are emotionally immature and manipulative. This is how they get their way. This is how they keep you unstable and off-balance. **This is how they control you. **

They still are controling you-- you are spending countless amounts of time and energy worrying over this, “explaining” over and over in email, and trying desparately to get their approval and unconditional love.

Again, they are NOT capable of giving you that.

Couldn’t agree with 1ke more–you’re being a good daughter; they are being bad parents.

Thanks 1ke…I’m still realizing this, it’s definitely hard to try to change from the way I’ve been to the "normal’ way of things, but I am trying, and thanks so much to my helpful fiance and his family I’m takign steps to disentangle myself from them. Then, when my finances are compeltely separate, they won’t have a way to try to guilt me anymore.

After this class I’m going ot the bank and writing a check from my joint acct with my dad and deposit it into my other account that’s entirely in my name. fiance is looking at cars, I will get a new phone this week, and insurance is the next step. And I’m working on getting my drect deposit from one of my jobs into my acct. My other job is already in my account. Then I will mail in the phone as per Dad’s request (didn’t even want to see me, just wanted it mailed) so I’m going to also park my car in a mall parking lot or something and just mail in my keys with the phone in insured mail. And my goal is to get it disentangled by the end of the month.

Then I will be free. It will still hurt that I can’t see my five siblings, three dogs, and two cats, but it is worth it for my own mental health, my fiance’s mental health, and for his and my relationship and future marriage. It is worth it. I will still keep in touch, and they’re still invited to the wedding.

My brother is so worried about me talking with people about this becuase he’s afraid that they will get the wrong idea about my parents…apaprently a few of them were texting him wondering why my parents are so evil (he and I share a few friends, basically…I’m doing my best not to include them into the struggle. I just ask for prayers.). But that’s the way we were raised, to keep things to ourselves–they keep things to themselves. That’s how this misunderstanding came about, I think…my parents never talked to me or explained their feelings.

Ah well, it’s spring, and the grass is green, so I’m focusing on that, or trying to

Thanks for the support and prayers.

Your brother is acting this way because he’s afraid of your parents. Your parents have raised you to protect them. They’ve taught you that the ultimate sin is to make them upset or to actually look at what they do and decide objectively whether or not it is right. You’re growing up and you’re seeing just how wrong their behavior is, but all the ingrained emotional abuse still has you thinking you must somehow keep their behavior a secret. Believe me, I’ve been there. And I really think that covering for my parents all those years is what allowed the abuse to keep going and kept me from healing.

 

[holly_potter]

Okay, my mom emailed me this morning with this new one.

Hi Holly,

Through email it is hard to get an accurate sense of what is going on, so I am going to try to explain it as plainly as possible. The relationship between you and Dad is gone. Because of this horrible misunderstanding, Dad was devastated. I feel partially responsible for the misunderstanding. Tell Dad what’s in your heart: Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how sorry you would be without him in your life. Tell him how much you appreciate all he has done for you. Tell him how sorry you are about the misunderstanding. Tell him how sorry you are for hurting him. Tell him how important he is to you. And keep telling him! These kinds of things do not get fixed overnight and require lots of hard work and the longer you let it go on, the harder it gets. Moms and Dads need to hear that we are appreciated and understood—we are only human. It would be very sad if things stayed like this.

Love,

me

I haven’t replied yet. I don’t know how I ought to reply to her or talk with Dad. I still feel incredibly hurt that a) they didn’t seek clarification or a reason why, before disowning me. b) didn’t they think it odd that I would want to exclude my dad from the wedding? yes, he inflicted emotional damage, but I still love him. I don’t hate him. My dad always seems to think i hate him, though I’ve tried to show otherwise. c) if they didn’t think it was odd, well, there wasn’t that much of a relationship to begin with. d) if they thought it odd that I would want to exclude my dad from the wedding, why didn’t she or he ask me about that?

sigh. I spent about a half an hour in prayer at my parish yesterday. I figured with something so important as this going straight to the Head Honcho for His support was a good idea. Continued prayers would be helpful, please.

 

[ChristinaM]

Okay, my mom emailed me this morning with this new one.

I haven’t replied yet. I don’t know how I ought to reply to her or talk with Dad. I still feel incredibly hurt that a) they didn’t seek clarification or a reason why, before disowning me. b) didn’t they think it odd that I would want to exclude my dad from the wedding? yes, he inflicted emotional damage, but I still love him. I don’t hate him. My dad always seems to think i hate him, though I’ve tried to show otherwise. c) if they didn’t think it was odd, well, there wasn’t that much of a relationship to begin with. d) if they thought it odd that I would want to exclude my dad from the wedding, why didn’t she or he ask me about that?

sigh. I spent about a half an hour in prayer at my parish yesterday. I figured with something so important as this going straight to the Head Honcho for His support was a good idea. Continued prayers would be helpful, please.

Wow, talk about emotional blackmail! hugs I sympathize - my mother had similar tactics. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in emotional manipulators. You’re definitely in my prayers.

 

[holly_potter]

I thought it was emotional blackmail, but I wasn’t sure…it’s kinda hard to tell what is normal and what is wrong. Thanks for telling me so I got further texts and emails from my mom during class–I shouldn’t have been looking, because it made me so mad…

The same thing had happened to my Mom, her parents disowned her after she either got engaged or a promise ring from my dad, I forget which. So this is at least the second generation of disownment. She was lately telling me not to make the same mistake she did, and I should apologize and reconcile to Dad even if just for the sake of my 5 siblings who are living at home, still. My mom, from what I can tell, had to get out of her parents’ house for the sake of her mental health. I don’t see her mistake–she needed to do this. And it was her parents who disowned her, not intentionally by Mom. Same thing here…my parents did the same to me, though I tried to include them in the wedding…

That’s the part that pains me the most. :crying:

 

[holly_potter]

My mom texted me during class, and then emailed. I shouldn’t have been looking b/c it made me mad…

(over a number of texts)

I dont want u to make the same Mistake i did 25 yrs ago. it was a terrible thing. i was right back then but what good did it do? u could communicate directly with dad as an idea of somethign else to do. [this is re my text from yesterday, saying there’s nothing else for me to do]. is it worth fighting for? I’m glad. thank dad urself *. i don’t want to b the go btween. im just encouraging u to not repeat my mis takes. families take work & some members do too. remember i love u.if u don’t want to do all this let me know and i wont bother u about it again & will stop hoping.

Hi Holly,

This is a continuation of the text—I’m horrible at it to say everything I want. Yes, you apologized but it was to me. I encourage you to do it again to Dad. I am not going to be the buffer any more. Right now I am just encouraging you to not repeat my mistakes of the past. You may be “right” and feel there is nothing more to do, but there is always something to be done. I was right a long time ago and it brought me a lot of sadness and regret. If you can’t bring yourself to do it for us, then what about your brothers and sisters? You have a big heart full of great love, please share some of that with Dad.

Love, me
*

I’m going to be drafting an email to send to both of their email addresses, as my one last effort at reasoned reconciliation without submitting to their terms. Basically explaining one more time that I didn’t intend the misunderstanding, I don’t know how it got misunderstood, and the whole a) why didn’t they think it odd? thing. I’m not going to bring up the past of abuses, since that’s beside the issue at this point. My fiance’s mom is worried that there may be some sort of suicide threat next, as blackmail—my dad is still battling depression though he’s on medicine.

sigh Dear God, please give me strength and courage…

 

[MCGar]

Quite frankly, before you send the e-mail I would all your ducks in a row.

Schedule an appointment with you priest and let him know that it looks like some strong family problems have arrisen and you need help in what step you should take next.

Print out this thread plus all the e-mails and texts that you have about this situation and bring that with you.

The thing is, you want to maintain a relationship with your family but you do not need to encourage or indulge their need to manipulate you.

My gut feeling is no matter what you do, they are going to find offense and find a way to try to punish you.
Get yourself financially free from them asap.

 

[holly_potter]

Schedule an appointment with you priest and let him know that it looks like some strong family problems have arrisen and you need help in what step you should take next.

Print out this thread plus all the e-mails and texts that you have about this situation and bring that with you.

The thing is, you want to maintain a relationship with your family but you do not need to encourage or indulge their need to manipulate you.

My gut feeling is no matter what you do, they are going to find offense and find a way to try to punish you.
Get yourself financially free from them asap.

I thought it was time for an update. I was behind in a lot of things and needed to catch up on school (pretty sure I stank at a test on Thursday, cause i didn’t study much…) And I’ve been trying to sort things out.

Fiance used his savings and his dad helped, to buy a good used car (2000 Toyota midsize–forget the name of it). And he bought me a phone, I opted into his and his mom’s shared minutes pool. And health insurance app is still being reviewed. So that’s getting all sorted out.

I mailed a letter to them, along with my old phone and car keys. Then they got it yesterday, and my mom came to where I work (a library) with three of my siblings and the keys and phone. She said it was a “huge olive branch” from Dad, plus that I can stay on their health insurance. I told her I had stuff already sorted out, but thanks. She wanted me and Dad to talk, and she was going to quit being the “go-between” I understand her urge to try to mend things. I told her I will only talk with Dad in front of somebody else, like my fiance and his family or something like that. My bosses knew about the whole story and so they were helping to protect me, and as my mom was leaving my boss told her not to come back–only as a matter of policy how folks can’t interfere with employees ability to work.

Anyway, last night my mom emailed me saying how she didn’t realize it was guilt tripping–I somehow accidentaly let slip during my conversation with her. And she said in her email she’s not going to visit or email me anymore unless I email or talk to her. I cried! I then emailed her back about how I still love her and how I’m going to try to talk to a priest about it. She emailed me saying how there are unresolved issues and misperceptions between me and Dad nad how it will take courage and and maturity to sort things out with him, and then added, him with me too.

And my oldest brother (younger than me who still lives at home) said that it’s like I was grounded–I should just apologize a lot and let Dad rant it out and stuff, how “you know how he is–he goes overboard” and then becomes reasonable. Which makes sense how he wanted the phone and car and etc back–it was his way of “grounding me” though I live in a place with a roommate now.

They mentioned that Dad would email me. And he finally did. It hurt. I keep worrying, am I doing all this? How have I been hurting him? What did Mom mean by me continually abusing Dad, and her wanting to put a stop to it? And now finally Dad emailed me. I’m so confused!!! sigh. Because it’s a long email I will post it in a separate post. Just so you guys can see for yourself. I would really appreciate your insight until I get a chance to talk with a priest. I really want to know if this is all my fault? But it makes sense…several people I’ve talked to said it seemed like my parents were just looking for “proof” that I really don’t like them, and so the events this past Sunday was the proof they ewre looking for.

I’m so sad…

 

[holly_potter]

Holly,

What a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in at the moment.

I truly wish I understood the cause, but not for the purpose of placing blame. I simply wish I could understand to put some closure on things.

From our viewpoint, this is how things seem:

Since sometime late in your high school years, you seemed to put distance between you and me. There were little signs that showed an increasing amount of disrespect that you held for me and even for all of us. Even keeping your room clean seemed to be a sticking point for you, a sign of defiance, but perhaps I’m wrong. However, your mother sees it that way, too. Even when I would try to openly discuss the feeling that you didn’t like me or that you hated me, you never said differently; you never confirmed it, but you never denied it either.

Once you met [fiance], we knew your attentions would turn toward developing your relationship with him, as well it should. However, you spent increasingly more time with his family and less with your own. It’s as if you wanted no more to do with us. And yet, we continued to support you with food, a place to live, a car, and often making the full car payment for you to give you extra money. Yet, there was no reciprocation in terms of simple things like keeping your room clean, contributing to helping around the house, and even just speaking to us–especially me. You didn’t even want any more to do with your dog, which was shocking.

To both mother and me, it seemed that before you moved out, you would avoid speaking to me whenever possible and this grew even worse after you moved out. It seemed that for some reason you felt that we were trying to keep you down or limit you in life before you moved out. However, nothing was further from the truth. Our advice was giving lovingly, but never taken that way. Our offer for you to stay with us and to save money wasn’t meant to keep you, but to help you. Yet, you rejected that in favor of being on your own and that’s fine. Why you didn’t confide in us before you told us you were moving out, I don’t know, but if you had, we wouldn’t have tried to stop you from leaving.

You have your own life now and we are happy about that. However, we both noticed that since moving out you wanted little to do with me when you came over. You’d barely say anything to me. Even when I would ask about your wedding plans just out of interest, you would rarely say much. When I asked to keep us apprised so we could help pay for things, you never responded. Instead, you seemed to be convinced that I didn’t want to pay for the wedding–a statement I don’t recall making and if I did, it was most likely in jest.

To find out that your family wasn’t going to be involved in your wedding was a bit of a shock. Yes, your statements and plans changed from when you first talked to mother when she was putting up your curtains, but obviously you had other plans at first. And yes, it is your wedding and you can do what you want with it, but I had always assumed you’d want us to be part of it.

I thought for sure you’d want your siblings involved and that your mother would have a place of honor in the wedding other than just being the seamstress.

I thought for sure you’d want me to give you away as in a traditional wedding, but that’s not the case. Even if you didn’t know it was going to be important to me, I was disappointed you didn’t think of it nor even bother to ask. As with paying for the wedding, you could have at least told me that you didn’t want us to help out with it and that you both wanted to do it on your own.

If you and [fiance] want to walk each other down the aisle and have us trail behind or escort you or whatever, that’s your business. In all the Catholic weddings I’ve ever been to, none of that’s ever been done. It’s simply not the tradition, but as you told your mother, you didn’t want to be given away like some sort of business transaction, which seems to be yet another indication that you want little to do with me.

Obviously we needed to end our other business transactions, too. You seemed more than ready and anxious to be on your own away from my influence or involvement in any way and I can respect that. So, it’s nice that we don’t have to be involved with the car, the phone, or the insurance any more.I’m glad to hear you have a car, a phone, and health insurance now. You’ll be totally independent now. However, if you still want to be on our health insurance, that’s fine–just let me know.

I’ll be checking the safe to see if there is anything more that belongs to you. If so, I’ll send them on to you. I assume you put the new tags on the car and updated the registration in the glove box.

You’ll have to let us know if you are still willing to be a guardian for the children. If not, that’s fine, just please let us know so we can update our wills.

I have to say that I was disappointed not to get any emails back from you keeping me apprised of your plans for your car, etc. I was also disappointed you didn’t park the car in front of the house at least, given all the break-ins up near the church.

I was also disappointed, but not surprised that you never felt a need to apologize to me directly for originally excluding me from your wedding plans or to express to me directly that you still wanted me involved with your wedding. I saw that as a big sign that you did not, which is fine.

Your email to mother seemed to indicate that you were moving on with your plans without us and that at least she could still attend the wedding. So, we are proceeding from that assumption–you don’t need or want us involved in the wedding or anything else. If that changes for some reason, you can let us know.

Anyway, right or wrong, that’s how we see things.

We’ll leave it up to you how you’d like to proceed. We wish you all the best.

Dad

 

[ChristinaM]

Wow, this is really astonishing. Your father seems to see the natural process of you growing up and going out on your own, as a personal affront to him. He wants some kind of apology from you when you’ve done nothing wrong. This is really not healthy at all.

All this emailing from your Dad seems really odd and immature for a grown man. Is there some reason why you and he haven’t had a face-to-face talk about all this? It seems like using your mom as an intermediary is not working out well at all.

ETA: I see that you want to talk to your dad face-to-face but not without a third party there - which is understandable given the way he tries to distort what you say. I can see why he might be hostile to the idea of having your fiance present as he seems to see your fiance as the “enemy.” What about another (saner) family member or friend of the family?

 

[holly_potter]

Wow, this is really astonishing. Your father seems to see the natural process of you growing up and going out on your own, as a personal affront to him. He wants some kind of apology from you when you’ve done nothing wrong. This is really not healthy at all.

All this emailing from your Dad seems really odd and immature for a grown man. Is there some reason why you and he haven’t had a face-to-face talk about all this? It seems like using your mom as an intermediary is not working out well at all.

I was just going through my dad’s email, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I mean, he said so, but this is sad news to me My mom had mentioned this latest thing as another in a long chain of my abuses toward Dad, and that’s been bugging me That was not my intent

A face to face conversation is what would be nice, but only in front of somebody else like a priest or my fiance and his family or some other person. As for why he and I haven’t talked face to face…it’s just been how the family operated for a long time. He believes I hate him and don’t want to see him. And I’m afraid of doing face to face with him because in all other occasions it’s frequently means me standing there in the living room while he sits on the couch and yells and vents his beliefs and problems and stuff, while I stand there saying “yes sir, i don’t know sir” until I cry and he gets his emotions out and stuff. So between those two things, I think is why we ahven’t talked face to face yet. sigh But that’s what my brother suggested yesterday–let him rant and get it out of his system and then things will be better. But I havent’ done that because I really don’t want to go through that again (especially since i’ve seen better—that’s why I started hanging out with my fiance’s family more because my dad was acting “weird” a lot and I was so glad to have a place to be to stay out of the way.

I really hope the priest will have good advice, too.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Sweetie, you’ve got to stop playing your parents’ games. I’m dead serious. From the showing up at work with your siblings in tow to the emails, they are really being manipulative. Stop playing along. They aren’t hurting because you have hurt them–they’re hurting because they want to feel hurt. And they are trying to make you go to unhealthy measures to make their hurt feelings go away. Your father’s email is extremely manipulative and, honestly, not at all the normal sort of email a father would send to his daughter. Your mother’s behavior by showing up at work but still insisting she will not be a go-between is extremely manipulative as well.

You’ve got to set boundaries and I’d really encourage you to stop emailing back and forth. If you want to give them updates about your life that way, that’d be fine, but I’d really encourage you to stop arguing back and forth via email. As you can see, it hasn’t done a bit of good other than perhaps having us on CAF tell you that you’re not crazy and your family’s behavior/emails are flat out wrong.

You’re a grown up now, hon. You’re on your own financially. The ball is totally in your court now and you’ve got to decide if you’re going to let your family hurt you or not. They can’t hurt you nearly as much now. But you’ve got to stop over-analyzing everything. You’ve got to stop trying to jump through all the little hoops.

Talk to a priest. Don’t hold grudges. But don’t let them destroy you by making you feel eaten up with guilt. Don’t keep rereading the crazy messages or letting your parents come to your work. And stop the emails back and forth to resolve this. It isn’t going to be resolved. What you need to do now is move on from your dad’s hurt feelings and just keep them in the loop about the positive things in your life. Your wedding plans and things like that. Ask if they want to help with things that won’t destroy you if they get all petty (like let them arrange the wedding favors–not the cake, for instance) and withdraw their support. And don’t let their behavior influence your grades.

My mom is exactly like your dad. At some point he’ll decide when he wants to cool off. But the amount of damage you can do to your job or your grades or your own relationship with your fiance in trying to appease him is going to stay with you. You aren’t doing anything wrong or disrespectful, girl. You’re just growing a healthy distance away from them.

And in my own personal experience with my mom, I have a lot less contact with my mom now because the stress she brings causes me to have lots of contractions–not a good thing. Doing what is best for my baby has helped bring some peace into my life. I think you need to distance yourself as well.

 

[holly_potter]

Sweetie, you’ve got to stop playing your parents’ games. I’m dead serious. From the showing up at work with your siblings in tow to the emails, they are really being manipulative. Stop playing along. They aren’t hurting because you have hurt them–they’re hurting because they want to feel hurt. And they are trying to make you go to unhealthy measures to make their hurt feelings go away. Your father’s email is extremely manipulative and, honestly, not at all the normal sort of email a father would send to his daughter. Your mother’s behavior by showing up at work but still insisting she will not be a go-between is extremely manipulative as well.

You’ve got to set boundaries and I’d really encourage you to stop emailing back and forth. If you want to give them updates about your life that way, that’d be fine, but I’d really encourage you to stop arguing back and forth via email. As you can see, it hasn’t done a bit of good other than perhaps having us on CAF tell you that you’re not crazy and your family’s behavior/emails are flat out wrong.

You’re a grown up now, hon. You’re on your own financially. The ball is totally in your court now and you’ve got to decide if you’re going to let your family hurt you or not. They can’t hurt you nearly as much now. But you’ve got to stop over-analyzing everything. You’ve got to stop trying to jump through all the little hoops.

Talk to a priest. Don’t hold grudges. But don’t let them destroy you by making you feel eaten up with guilt. Don’t keep rereading the crazy messages or letting your parents come to your work. And stop the emails back and forth to resolve this. It isn’t going to be resolved. What you need to do now is move on from your dad’s hurt feelings and just keep them in the loop about the positive things in your life. Your wedding plans and things like that. Ask if they want to help with things that won’t destroy you if they get all petty (like let them arrange the wedding favors–not the cake, for instance) and withdraw their support. And don’t let their behavior influence your grades.

My mom is exactly like your dad. At some point he’ll decide when he wants to cool off. But the amount of damage you can do to your job or your grades or your own relationship with your fiance in trying to appease him is going to stay with you. You aren’t doing anything wrong or disrespectful, girl. You’re just growing a healthy distance away from them.

And in my own personal experience with my mom, I have a lot less contact with my mom now because the stress she brings causes me to have lots of contractions–not a good thing. Doing what is best for my baby has helped bring some peace into my life. I think you need to distance yourself as well.

Thank you, kevinsgirl, for being blunt. I’m just having a hard time realizing I didn’t do anything wrong, and to have somebody else (more objective viewer, that is) tell me I’m not crazy…well, I really appreciate the reminders. :blush:I really do–it is helping a lot.

It’s hard breaking free–financially was the easy part to disentangle. It’s the emotions now that is tricky. If I didn’t have such supportive people on here and in my fiance and his family and all my friends and coworkers and etc…(wow…I can’t believe how dense I was! :doh2:Everybody I’ve talked to say the same thing…)

Anyway, thank you so much… I can’t tell you and everybody else who’ve replied (and everybody else I know) how much it means to me that I’m not doing something wrong, and that I’m not crazy.

The crazy part is, I see how other people in abusive situations are smart to disentangle themselves, and the ones who go back are to be prayed for. But I still have a hard time seeing it in my own family. I will be praying for strength and healing tonight And starting tomorrow, I will get back on track with my diet! (I sorta lapsed 'cause of emotional eating. Bad habit, but I told myself, 1 week, and then back to healthy habits again).

To keep in touch with my siblings I will definitely be mailing them the occaisonal card and gifts. I love them dearly, and I think that’s the part I miss the most. My siblings. I think that’s actually the big thing that keeps making me want to return to my parents. Prayers for them, please

Thanks ever so much for all your help, again!

 

[DrPiano]

Hey Holly,

I just read the whole thread and the people here have some very very good advice. But I’d add one other thing, because it seems to me that your dad needs to hear something straight from you about this whole situation.

I’d write a letter. Go sit in front of the tabernacle (or better yet, before the exposed Eucharist) and write a letter to your dad. Pray first, asking Jesus to help you write it and express the love you have for your father. Then write. Start by telling him some fond memories you have of him, those moments where you knew he loved you, those times when he showed a bit of what God is really like. It may be hard to come up with those, but I imagine that there might be a few (I know my dad has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I still have some of those times that I can think “he really loved me then”). Then I’d explain succinctly and clearly how you feel. Not just this situation, but what has happened overall. How you don’t hate him, but you feel emotionally blackmailed. How you love him and your mother and your siblings and want to carry on a relationship with all of them. Then explain what happened: how you thought this was a cool tradition, how you had always intended that he be part of your wedding, how you still (if you do) want him to be part of your wedding. I’d add the sorrow that you’ve expressed here at seeing your family crumble over this.

Write the letter. Don’t send it. Sleep on it. Pray on it. Have your fiance or someone else that you trust read it. Then go back to the tabernacle and revise it, rewrite it as necessary. Don’t apologize for things you didn’t do. Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault. But do express your love for your family and particularly for your father. When the letter has been edited at least twice, then you can send it. And pray pray pray for God to show you the kind of father He is.

You’re in my prayers. PM (or email) me if there’s anything I can do to support you emotionally.

 

[monicatholic]

Holly,

i have adult children. it’s terrifically difficult being a parent to adult kids. my husband and i are blessed because we understand what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about our adult children

**As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. *Obedience toward parents ceases ***

with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
a lot of parents don’t understand this and expect something else from their adult kids. (perhaps reading the CCC on fourth commandment (2197 to 2257) will help you to see your role more clearly. i recommend it.)

things have been tough for you. i don’t wish to make them tougher. but there are some things i’ll point out that may be hard to take:

you mention wanting a third party present when you see your father. perhaps that is necessary because he’s manipulative and intimidating. but Holly, it cannot be your fiancé’s family. all along i’ve read your threads and seen this trend-- you’ve found respite in your fiancé’s family. now, that may be OK for you, but to bring them along to a summit, that’s simply rubbing your father’s nose in your preference, it’s simply twisting the knife. it’s unkind.

second, several have commented about your final financial independence. but i don’t see that. i see you’ve extracted yourself from entanglements with your father, but have traded those in for dependence on your fiancé’s family. your fiancé’s kin have come to view you like a damsel in distress. now you are beholden to them. perhaps they will never call in markers (as your father seems to make a habit of) but perhaps they will. and Holly, you can’t know how that will go. you don’t know what a healthy family looks like. you only know that your fiancé’s family does not appear to be like yours.

next, you have siblings. they need a relationship with you. your father and (to a lesser extent) mother are the keepers of the gate. Holly, is it possible the letter can state only and simply:
Dad, I do have problems with you, as you do with me. I can’t articulate my difficulties as well as you can and that’s part of the problem. But i want to see my siblings. is there a chance that i can simply be in their lives till i get this all figured out? i may be a bad example of what you expected in an adult daughter, but i promise, i will NOT be a subversive force in their lives. i just love them and need to be with them.
Holly

what i’m mostly saying Holly is this: disentangling the emotions ***is ***tricky, as you’d noted. unpeeling the onion is a formidable task. simultaneously (though inadvertently) adding other layers may result in much confusion. i.e.:
*practice boundaries with your parents
*go sloooooow with your wedding plans
*proceed with prudence concerning your fella’s family.

for now. all of this is for now. trust that God will show you many TRUE things (TRUTHS that will set you free) ***if ***you are patient with the process.