Family heirlooms: did I steal? If I did, should I confess to my father as well as to a priest?

[Litcrit]

I’ve been going through a confusing time trying to communicate with my father and negotiate our property etc. since my mother died and I got married. I won’t bother you with details. We’re both trying very hard to be on good terms and love each other, we just seem to have very different ideas about everything and communication is extremely difficult and often painful even when it comes to small details, like how to renovate the flat he agreed was mine and we could do whatever we wanted in it.

He kept the other flat - we two collectively inherited two flats when the rest of our extended family died within a few years.

So, when he gave me a suitcase full of gold coins and jewelry inherited from my mother, my mother’s parents, and his parents to keep in my flat, I also felt it to be collectively ‘ours’ and, as I really needed a new fridge, I sold a few small trinkets (up to 5% of the total value of the stuff) that I knew had no sentimental value for him.

Only afterwards did it occur to me that perhaps these items should be considered as ‘his’ and not ‘ours’ and that I had no right to do that. They aren’t mentioned in any wills, so I don’t know their legal status, and I also don’t really know their ‘moral’ status… as in… whose are inherited family heirlooms? Probably his, while he is alive, right?

I don’t know if he’ll even notice the sold items are missing (gold teeth, gold coins made by banks in the 80s, two slightly older coins but with no real value).

If I indeed stole them, and go to Confession, is it a good idea to confess to my father too? I will if I have to, and am the sort of person who finds it extremely difficult to have a secret, especially a dark, guilty secret, so my emotions are telling me to confess. But given the communication problems we’ve been having, I’m not sure how wise it would be.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping over this.

Give me an objective view. Did I sin? Did I steal? Should I confess to a priest? Should I confess to my father?

 

[Litcrit]

To clarify a bit:

I didn’t mean to steal. I honestly believed I was selling something at least partly mine and only later realized that it might not be so. The confusion comes from the situation we’re in, where my father and I agreed that one of the flats will be his and the other mine and he told me to do as I please in mine, but in reality has great problems accepting any change I make, any item I remove or sell, etc. This is also the reason I have trouble communicationg with him and why I didn’t think of asking him or informing him in advance, because I’ve just got so used to avoiding talking with him about such things, because he always reacts emotionally, and it puts such a strain on our relationship… and this is also why telling him I did this is such a daunting idea…

 

[Christy_Beth]

If he gave you the suitcase of stuff, wouldn’t that be the same as giving it to you outright? I’d go careful on handling it, though. Put it in a bank box maybe. Actually, I can’t remember what they’re called. But it takes two keys to get into them. One is held by the bank, and the other goes with the person renting the box. There’s probably some kind of “rent” to pay.

 

[adrift]

If he gave you the suitcase of stuff, wouldn’t that be the same as giving it to you outright? I’d go careful on handling it, though. Put it in a bank box maybe. Actually, I can’t remember what they’re called. But it takes two keys to get into them. One is held by the bank, and the other goes with the person renting the box. There’s probably some kind of “rent” to pay.

Safety Deposit Box is what you are looking for. It seems he gave it to her to hold. I don’t think you should have sold it without asking him. I don’t know if you sinned or not that properly belongs in a confessional. You should discuss this with a priest.

 

[mdgspencer]

You could speak about this with a priest of course. However, if you want to see who really owned what, you ought to speak to a lawyer about that, since ownership is a legal question. An initial consultation with a lawyer is generally inexpensive. Don’t worry, a lawyer won’t inform on you.

 

[NeedImprovement]

As far as calling anything sin, all the circumstances would have to be considered, before it could be stated with any degree of assertion.

I’m struggling right now , wondering if I should sell my dear late mother’s engagement ring simply because it is that…her engagement ring; but it would not seem to serve any practical purpose to my siblings as an engagement ring.

You might want to keep in mind that you may have done something to address a legitimate need (fridge = food) although there was a risk of offending your father because of his emotional sensitivity. Offending people unintentionally, although it may make us feel bad, cannot be classified as sin.

 

[promethius]

I’ve been having trouble sleeping over this.

Give me an objective view. Did I sin? Did I steal? Should I confess to a priest? Should I confess to my father?

First and foremost, i’ve generally found that while a profound sense of guilt is not always a perfect indicator that we have sinned, it is a good sign of a well formed conscience and a great first indicator that we should seek moral advice on our actions. For that, I commend you.

Second, without being a lawyer, my understanding of property rights is that if no will is present ownership passes to the eldest generation surviving… that would mean your mother’s possessions, assuming that all the items from her relatives already belonged to her at the time of her death, would belong to your father. HOWEVER, if your mother had a sister, brother, or other relative pass away AFTER her, then YOU would be the legal heir of such items since your father has no claim of inheritance from your mother’s family members, only her. Really, you need to consult a lawyer on this issue though, since there are a lot of technicalities.

As to the moral aspect, I would say if items you sold are even partially owned by him (much less fully), then you DO need to confess this. Further, you should seek reconciliation to your father. I’ve recently come to the belief that the actions of our daily lives should reflect the actions of the church: that church strictures are there because they are perfect examples of how to live. Remember, then, that reconciliation is a three part process:

1. contrition: seems like you’re feeling this part pretty well already
2. confession: telling your father what you did and that you didn’t realize that it might be wrong at the time, explaining your reasoning and such, would satisfy this.
3. Penance: I would offer to make payments to him to “pay back” the value of the items sold. He may tell you it’s alright and you don’t have to, or accept a lesser ammount, or otherwise… but just knowing that you’re willing to back your apology with actions to try to “make it right again” should go a long way to show him that you understand how your actions may have hurt him and your relationship with him, and that you’re willing to put in the effort to make it right.

 

[Litcrit]

Thank you, guys!

I ended up just telling my father, who said it was fine . The items had no sentimental value and represented a small percentage of the total monetary value, much less than what he considers I’m entitled to.

Legally, in my country, the spouse and the children have the same right to the deceased person’s property. In our case, because I’m an only child, it would legally be 50%-50%.

I’m still confessing this, of course.

It’s such a relief that he’s not angry.

 

[promethius]

It’s such a relief that he’s not angry.

The most reassuring sacrament, in my opinion, is that of reconciliation. So also can reconciliation with our fellow man be a great comfort to our heart and mind. I’m glad you sorted things out with your father and have found peace in the situation.

God Bless!