Family in Crisis

[DPOWERS]

Hi, I am new to this, so I am not sure I am doing this right. We have had a crisis in our family, which started last January. I have been searching to find God and his help in this. But I can’t feel him with us and things still seem to keep happening. This is my story… My son and his girlfriend had a child, who will be 5 in January. They were due to get married last May. My son and his fiancee lived down the street from my eldest daughter and son-in-law, who have been married for 8 years. We found out in January that my future daugther-in-law and my son-in-law were having an affair. The two of them left my kids for each other. My daughter is now divorced. They have been living together since they left my kids, and they are now planning their wedding. As if that isn’t bad enough, my grandson is living with what used to be his Unlce and also his Godfather, who now will be his step dad. My son has joint custody at this time, so he is with us more than half of the time. I have two devasted kids. I have been trying to search for some peace and understanding in this, but I haven’t been able to find it. It is constantly in our faces every day. I am having trouble seeing how God is helping us through this. My family keeps getting hurt and those two seems to be reaping all of the rewards. They have casued this devastion to my family, and yet we are made out to be the bad guys. I feel like we have been abandoned by God. Any help to help me find God at a deeper level would be greatly appreciated.

 

[masondoggy]

Wow, your family really is suffering. I am truly sorry you are going through this. I can definitely sympathize because my own family has been literally torn in two due to an affair between my husband and my cousin 8 years ago. It was a bad, bad situation, but I have since forgiven DH and thanks to GOD, we have a wonderful marriage now. If it hadn’t been for my faith and prayers, I would most definitely be divorced right now. Things will never be the same within my family. Even though I have forgiven my cousin, I find it really difficult to run into her at family get togethers. It really brings back too many raw emotions. We don’t speak to eachother. When that happened, it was like the lines of battle were drawn in my family with certain people taking one side or the other. Those lines still seem to be there and I think they always will be.

But I can definitely tell you that God most certainly has NOT abandoned you or your kids. He is there waiting for you all to turn your pain and anger over to Him so that He can help you to heal. The first step to healing is asking God to help you find forgiveness. You would not believe the blessings that can come from forgiveness. My marriage is proof of that.

 

[DPOWERS]

Thank your for your words of encouragement. Right now I am having a difficult time in knowing how to turn it over to God. I don’t know how to do it. I am very bitter to see my children suffering while the other two have each other, a house and getting married.
Both of my children had to sell there homes because of this. My son is living with me and my husband and my daugther is in an apartment. It is very difficult to know that they are having this happy life, while my children are trying to recover from such betrayal and hurt. It isn’t fair that my children have to suffer and they experience no suffering at all. We were the inocent people in all of this, yet we are the ones paying for their mistakes. I can understand how God can let my family suffer, while the two of them are getting all they joys they want. I don’t feel like any of my prayers have been answered.

 

[masondoggy]

Thank your for your words of encouragement. Right now I am having a difficult time in knowing how to turn it over to God. I don’t know how to do it. I am very bitter to see my children suffering while the other two have each other, a house and getting married.
Both of my children had to sell there homes because of this. My son is living with me and my husband and my daugther is in an apartment. It is very difficult to know that they are having this happy life, while my children are trying to recover from such betrayal and hurt. It isn’t fair that my children have to suffer and they experience no suffering at all. We were the inocent people in all of this, yet we are the ones paying for their mistakes. I can understand how God can let my family suffer, while the two of them are getting all they joys they want. I don’t feel like any of my prayers have been answered.

It may seem like they “have it all” right now. It seems like they came out the winners in all of this. But ya know what? I would be willing to bet their behavior comes back to haunt them in one way or another. How long do you think it’ll be before one of them cheats on the other? They already betrayed their first marriage, what’s to stop them from doing it again when they get bored? Not that we should wish for something like that to happen, but what seems like a nice hunky dory life for them right now, may not be reality for them. Two unfaithful people in a “marriage” is not a good mix.

I had more to say but the baby is screaming for me. Gotta go…

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

There is not much I can add except I will pray for you and yours, esp. the little innocents who will have to live with this.

Wow.

 

[KCtheMommy]

I am with MasonDoggy.

Hon, those people may “seem” happy and may “seem” successful or benefitting, but they’ll get their just-desserts. You just sit back and watch, it’ll happen eventually. I can’t imagine going to bed everynight with someone who I knew was capable of leaving their family while I also did the same. Their nights are doubtfully peaceful. Sweet dreams are not made from this. It won’t be long before one either does cheat – or accuses the other of cheating.

As for your kids – be their MOM. Sure they are adults. But you are still their mom. Even doing something like baking cookies or giving them hugs will help them feel they have someone in their corner. How is their relationship as siblings? Maybe you should suggest a family-date night? Everyone go out to dinner, and talk about all the good things that have happened over the week. Focus on the positive. Maybe those two can go out to a club, or a Catholic Singles function and help each other to heal, get through it, and hopefully: help each other find better future matches.

God is NOT ignoring you. You are (rightfully) focusing on the evils of man. Or woman. Or both. Your kids are hurt, you are their mom, it only seems to be getting worse – but your eyes are looking at the lowliness of evil and not the greater beauty of God’s good. These people are FILTH to destroy their families, mostly at their children’s expense. Have you thought “I know it hurts my children tremendously right now, and my grandchildren – BUT thank YOU God for getting these lower-than-low people out of my children’s lives so they can go wreck their own and no longer hurt MY kids.”

When you see your children eventually start to heal, to move on, to be happy again – I think you will then see God’s glory. Until then, you’ll just have to trust He knows what He’s doing. It sure makes it easier to forgive. AND to blow them off.

Please don’t spend any more time focusing on the “greater riches” you think the loser’s and cheater’s have, but on the reality of the greater gain your children will get when they heal.

Big hugs mama.

MY FINAL but most important piece of advice is this – advise your children as well: don’t say one single BAD WORD against either of these people in front of your grandchildren. I promise you, they’ll figure it out eventually – until then, please be the good guys. No matter the pain or level of betrayel.

 

[jusduckymom]

There are no winners in a situation like this…having lived through something similar (my husband/my boss) but there are losers. The one’s who are hurt the most are the children. They are truly innocent but will have to live the fallout of others bad choices for the rest of their lives. I agree, try not to “bad mouth” the X’s in front of the children. I know my parent’s probably bit through their tongues plenty of times rather than say bad things about “dad” in front of the grandkids. All of you are in my prayers!

 

[Demetra2]

I’m so sorry to hear about the sadness in your family, especially concerning your son’s innocent five year old. Concerning your son and his girlfriend they did not chose wisely right from the beginning when they decided to live together and then have a child. At this point the only thing that matters is for your son to be a wonderful father and put his child’s needs first. Your son needs to put his own needs on the back burner for a very long time. This means going to church and setting a good example for his son. It means living close by to his son even if the ex-girlfriend moves. It means NOT dating for many years and NEVER living with any one again in order to create some stability in that poor kid’s life. It means doing the noble thing every day even if it hurts and isn’t fun. Your son has the responsibility to make it better for his kid and your son’s comfort really isn’t the issue here.

I truly feel for your daughter because she appears to be an other victim of selfishness.