Family intentionally distant

[SkyRose123]

I realize many of you may have experienced something similar to this and therefore am seeking advice.

My husband and I would like to see and develop a good relationship with our tween and teen niece and nephew (from my husband’s brother) who live a long road trip/flight away.

For years, we and other family have tried to develop a relationship with them and their parents. Brother-in-law, and especially sister-in-law, rarely communicate and won’t return messages. We have offered to travel and the door is open here. When we get a response to wanting to see them, brother-in-law puts it off saying “we need to check the schedule” but the time comes and goes without further response. Excuses are typically pinned on the kids’ activities, saying they don’t know what the extracurricular and sports travel schedule is (we would be happy to attend). This goes with sister-in-law’s side of the family, too, who she very rarely sees/speaks to and also live far away. They have the financial means to travel and even if they didn’t, family is willing to travel to see them.

When we have seen them- for a few hours once a year, at best- we get along great with the kids, while the brother-in-law and sister-in-law are cordial but a bit standoffish. When brother-in-law is not around sister-in-law, he relaxes and starts to be his same old self. We, along with other family, rarely receive phone or video calls- typically on Christmas and without sister-in-law. We do send packages and cards and pray for them.

Objectively, my husband and his family are “normal”- loving, good character, etc. and just want a normal relationship with them. Other in-law families and people in the neighborhood and church get along well with husband’s family. We cannot think of a time when they may have been offended, nor have we been told.

We’ve been told there are marriage problems and a divorce is on the horizon but not for several years until the kids finish school. They refuse counseling, priestly consultation, and any other form of relationship help for their marriage or individual self. We have been told that the sister-in-law is verbally abusive and hyper critical of family members’ kind gestures. Of course, there may be issues with brother-in-law, as it’s a two-way street.

For those of you who have been in this type of situation, what did you do or what would you have done differently to have a relationship with niece and nephew (and of course brother and sister-in-law)? If you are or were in the brother-in-law or sister-in-law’s position, what do you recommend?

 

[Allegra]

We’re kind of in a similar situation with my inlaws. Both of my husband’s sisters live out of state and neither one of them seem to have any interest in visiting us, ever. I get the impression that one of his sisters in particular feels a little resentful toward my husband for moving away from Wisconsin and seems to feel that travel is his responsibility, since he’s the one who chose to move away. His other sister also moved out of state and is in Florida. Obviously, since she has to travel so much to see the rest of the family, she isn’t able to travel to St. Louis to see us. We do travel to Wisconsin ourselves several times a year. We go at least once in the summer and try to go between Christmas and New Year. Generally we have to go at least once more a year for a family event. Even when we drive through two states to go up there, it’s difficult to get his sister to agree to spend time with us. She’s always tired from working and her husband is busy working on her husband’s family farm. That’s her other excuse for why they can’t come to visit us, but of course, she could come on her own if she wanted to. It’s a little disappointing because my daughter really wants to see her cousins and my son only has one boy cousin and they are the same age. I would love for them to be really close, but I don’t think his mom is that concerned about it. She lives on her inlaw’s farm with it seems like dozens of little cousins for her son to play with.

 

[Irishmom2]

You cannot force a relationship with people that don’t want one, so there really is nothing you can do. They are telling you they are not interested by their detachment from you. Do not take it personally. Most people have things they struggle with and you never know what they are battling within. But you cannot force something that is not there.

Continue to send cards and gifts to their children for birthdays and life events, email them to say hello once in a while, but don’t expect anything until they are old enough to decide on their own that they want to see you. That day may or may not come. But at least you left the door open.

 

[Brassring]

I’m sorry that the actions of your in-laws are causing you anguish. Distance in a family can be very painful.

That being said, it’s important to keep in mind that you are not entitled to a relationship with someone else’s children. That is completely in the purview of the parents.

 

[Crusaderbear]

You cannot force a relationship with people that don’t want one, so there really is nothing you can do. They are telling you they are not interested by their detachment from you. Do not take it personally. Most people have things they struggle with and you never know what they are battling within. But you cannot force something that is not there.

Continue to send cards and gifts to their children for birthdays and life events, email them to say hello once in a while, but don’t expect anything until they are old enough to decide on their own that they want to see you. That day may or may not come. But at least you left the door open.

This is good advice. We have relatives we treat this way. Not mean, we just don’t really have much in common and don’t really socialize. You don’t have to be friends with everyone!

 

[Lorelei12]

I think it is best to just respect the fact that they seem to be uninterested in having a close relationship with you.

Even if you are willing to travel to see them, perhaps they are not up to entertaining visitors for several days. That can be exhausting, especially if they are having marital struggles. My husband and I love our family and friends, but we are both fairly introverted and like time to ourselves and with each other. The thought of hosting people for a period of days sounds like a nightmare to me.

It isn’t really your place to decide whether they have enough money or a good enough excuse not to travel- if they don’t want to, that’s that. Whether or not they have sought counseling, and the other details of their relationship struggles, are similarly not anyone else’s business.

I don’t think there is really anything you can say or do. There is likely more going on than you know, and even if there isn’t, sometimes people we want to be close to just aren’t interested in the kind of relationship we want.

 

[angell1]

I realize many of you may have experienced something similar to this and therefore am seeking advice.

My husband and I would like to see and develop a good relationship with our tween and teen niece and nephew (from my husband’s brother) who live a long road trip/flight away.

For years, we and other family have tried to develop a relationship with them and their parents. Brother-in-law, and especially sister-in-law, rarely communicate and won’t return messages. We have offered to travel and the door is open here. When we get a response to wanting to see them, brother-in-law puts it off saying “we need to check the schedule” but the time comes and goes without further response. Excuses are typically pinned on the kids’ activities, saying they don’t know what the extracurricular and sports travel schedule is (we would be happy to attend). This goes with sister-in-law’s side of the family, too, who she very rarely sees/speaks to and also live far away. They have the financial means to travel and even if they didn’t, family is willing to travel to see them.

When we have seen them- for a few hours once a year, at best- we get along great with the kids, while the brother-in-law and sister-in-law are cordial but a bit standoffish. When brother-in-law is not around sister-in-law, he relaxes and starts to be his same old self. We, along with other family, rarely receive phone or video calls- typically on Christmas and without sister-in-law. We do send packages and cards and pray for them.

Objectively, my husband and his family are “normal”- loving, good character, etc. and just want a normal relationship with them. Other in-law families and people in the neighborhood and church get along well with husband’s family. We cannot think of a time when they may have been offended, nor have we been told.

We’ve been told there are marriage problems and a divorce is on the horizon but not for several years until the kids finish school. They refuse counseling, priestly consultation, and any other form of relationship help for their marriage or individual self. We have been told that the sister-in-law is verbally abusive and hyper critical of family members’ kind gestures. Of course, there may be issues with brother-in-law, as it’s a two-way street.

For those of you who have been in this type of situation, what did you do or what would you have done differently to have a relationship with niece and nephew (and of course brother and sister-in-law)? If you are or were in the brother-in-law or sister-in-law’s position, what do you recommend?

let it be. if you want a relationship with the kids, wait until they are older, then maybe you can get in touch with them directly

there’s not much point if they don’t care about having a relationship with you.

that’s my approach anyways, I can extent invisation to friends and family to meet up/visit, but if they don’t respons or say “i’ll get back to you” and never do, then I don’t chase after them anymore

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I realize many of you may have experienced something similar to this and therefore am seeking advice.

My husband and I would like to see and develop a good relationship with our tween and teen niece and nephew (from my husband’s brother) who live a long road trip/flight away.

For years, we and other family have tried to develop a relationship with them and their parents. Brother-in-law, and especially sister-in-law, rarely communicate and won’t return messages. We have offered to travel and the door is open here. When we get a response to wanting to see them, brother-in-law puts it off saying “we need to check the schedule” but the time comes and goes without further response. Excuses are typically pinned on the kids’ activities, saying they don’t know what the extracurricular and sports travel schedule is (we would be happy to attend). This goes with sister-in-law’s side of the family, too, who she very rarely sees/speaks to and also live far away. They have the financial means to travel and even if they didn’t, family is willing to travel to see them.

When we have seen them- for a few hours once a year, at best- we get along great with the kids, while the brother-in-law and sister-in-law are cordial but a bit standoffish. When brother-in-law is not around sister-in-law, he relaxes and starts to be his same old self. We, along with other family, rarely receive phone or video calls- typically on Christmas and without sister-in-law. We do send packages and cards and pray for them.

Objectively, my husband and his family are “normal”- loving, good character, etc. and just want a normal relationship with them. Other in-law families and people in the neighborhood and church get along well with husband’s family. We cannot think of a time when they may have been offended, nor have we been told.

We’ve been told there are marriage problems and a divorce is on the horizon but not for several years until the kids finish school. They refuse counseling, priestly consultation, and any other form of relationship help for their marriage or individual self. We have been told that the sister-in-law is verbally abusive and hyper critical of family members’ kind gestures. Of course, there may be issues with brother-in-law, as it’s a two-way street.

For those of you who have been in this type of situation, what did you do or what would you have done differently to have a relationship with niece and nephew (and of course brother and sister-in-law)? If you are or were in the brother-in-law or sister-in-law’s position, what do you recommend?

Ok,

1. Stop trying to force something that isn’t there. Thier family unit may not want the extended version and they may be very busy.
2. If the marriage does end then THAT is when you plug into the kids and the brother.
3. Though well meaning extended family pressures puts extra stress on an already stressful situation.

Op. You didn’t mention if you have kids, if they are in multiple sports or activities, thier life may very well revolve around them.

And finally. Sometimes those not close to family don’t want to spend the time allotted for vacation or travel visiting extended family. It wouldn’t be my dream vacation.

 

[SkyRose123]

Thank you for your advice and suggestions.

To spend several days hosting- I agree that is too intense for both parties! I was meaning something on the lighter side- staying at a hotel in their area, meeting out once or twice as most of you have pointed out the family is busy and distant to begin with. But as was pointed out, just about anything could add stress to an already rocky marriage/family life.

Baby is on the way and we would like for him/her to know their cousins. Due to age differences, that will be when niece and nephew are adults and can decide if/how they would like that to play out.

On a side note, I wonder if the behavior being modeled for niece and nephew will in turn be shown to brother and sister-in-law? For example, brother and sister-in-law may not see their kids and future grandkids, and niece/nephew may rarely communicate with each other. But that may be something they want, and ultimately need to be respected (of course, the total opposite may come true). Do most parents realize this and when grandkids come are they ok with the distance or want a closer relationship but regret what they showed them?

 

[Lorelei12]

On a side note, I wonder if the behavior being modeled for niece and nephew will in turn be shown to brother and sister-in-law? For example, brother and sister-in-law may not see their kids and future grandkids, and niece/nephew may rarely communicate with each other. But that may be something they want, and ultimately need to be respected (of course, the total opposite may come true). Do most parents realize this and when grandkids come are they ok with the distance or want a closer relationship but regret what they showed them?

Your in-laws may be very close with their children, just not with extended family. My husband and I see our parents fairly often, but our aunts and uncles we see maybe once or twice a year. I don’t really see how they are setting a bad example.

 

[SkyRose123]

Your in-laws may be very close with their children, just not with extended family. My husband and I see our parents fairly often, but our aunts and uncles we see maybe once or twice a year. I don’t really see how they are setting a bad example.

They are the same way with their parents (grandparents)- little communication and visits. It’s the same way with sister-in-law’s side of the family.

I agree with you that it would be great if the grandparents from both sides were able to have a closer relationship with them- even over ours as aunt and uncle. To me that’s really heartbreaking to see.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for your advice and suggestions.

To spend several days hosting- I agree that is too intense for both parties! I was meaning something on the lighter side- staying at a hotel in their area, meeting out once or twice as most of you have pointed out the family is busy and distant to begin with. But as was pointed out, just about anything could add stress to an already rocky marriage/family life.

Baby is on the way and we would like for him/her to know their cousins. Due to age differences, that will be when niece and nephew are adults and can decide if/how they would like that to play out.

On a side note, I wonder if the behavior being modeled for niece and nephew will in turn be shown to brother and sister-in-law? For example, brother and sister-in-law may not see their kids and future grandkids, and niece/nephew may rarely communicate with each other. But that may be something they want, and ultimately need to be respected (of course, the total opposite may come true). Do most parents realize this and when grandkids come are they ok with the distance or want a closer relationship but regret what they showed them?

I say this as the husband of a wife in her 38th week of pregnancy with our 6th child…

Stop projecting your “nesting” on to these people and leave them alone. Each family is different. Focus on your own impending parenthood.

 

[SkyRose123]

I say this as the husband of a wife in her 38th week of pregnancy with our 6th child…

Stop projecting your “nesting” on to these people and leave them alone. Each family is different. Focus on your own impending parenthood.

Thanks. I guess you could say my vision of family includes them, while theirs does not.

 

[Allegra]

I feel that some of the posts in this thread are incredibly harsh. First off, some of you really should go and call your siblings. I admit, I’m not too personally invested in relationships with my inlaws. Frankly, I find them a little bit dull. They don’t care about much that interests me and I can’t really get too excited about their primary hobby (drinking). That being said, they are my husband’s sisters and he loves them. He dutifully shuts up and steps aside when they brush him off, but I see how much it hurts him. He is not wrong for being hurt when he is told that he just isn’t cool enough to sit at their lunch table. He is not wrong for yearning for acceptance and love from his siblings. They ARE wrong for treating him the way that they treat him. There is no one on this earth who is so busy and important that they can’t be put upon to enjoy a meal or walk in the park with their own sibling once or twice a year particularly when that sibling is willing to do a two-state voyage in order to make it convenient for them. If you and your sibling mutually decide that you just have nothing to say to one another and choose to let your relationship disappear, well whatever then. But when a brother is reaching out for a connection with their family members, and there is no history of toxicity or animosity, it’s just NOT OKAY to say, “Sorry, but you just aren’t important enough for a couple hours of my time.” Suck it up and learn to be decent, people!

That being said, there is compete truth in that there is very little one can reasonably do when your siblings are self-centered meanies. Relationships are a two-way street. You can’t force someone to like or care about you. You could try laying on a guilt trip, but that will probably just cause resentment in the end. You can enlist the help of the parents or grandparents. Most people aren’t willing to blow their parents or grandparents off as easily. In general, we only see my husband’s siblings at events that are arranged by his parents. Only they apparently have the power to summon them forth. That works short term, and it might allow the cousins an opportunity to form relationships with one another. Or you could do what that character did on the Little House on the Prairie show and fake your own death so that they will come to your wake. That generally is only good for one shot though.

The main thing, for your own peace, is that you realize that this is their problem and not yours. You aren’t doing anything wrong here. Try to let go of any resentment and keep the doors open, in case they eventually grow in maturity. And when you have your own children, remember that you don’t want to get involved is silly activities that your world revolves around, to the exclusion of any time with the people that actually care about you.

 

[Irishmom2]

Excellent post, Allegra.

 

[SkyRose123]

Thanks, Allegra! It is sad that people can spend dozens of hours a month trying to impress people they don’t like, but balk at spending 2 hours once a year with family who genuinely care about them.

The thing that hurts the most is knowing that while we have our door open to them, their door is not open to us. There are relatives who I have seen less yet understand that we cannot see each other but know that they are there for us and vice versa.

Guilt trips aren’t my style, and enlisting parent support won’t work either as they are in the same boat. The only way I see them coming out here is for a funeral of a parent as it’s been 7+ years since they have been here.

I will keep the advice about kids activities in mind for the future in order to have balanced time for friends/family. And also (as friends have shared with me their personal experiences) to not abuse activities as a way to not deal with marriage and family life issues.

Till then the door is open if and when they want a relationship. I’ll try to not let it get me down. I’ll focus on the family who want to be around us- ironically that happens to be the rest of the family, some who live close and others who live farther than they do. I’ll still keep sending packages and cards to niece/nephew as encouraged by Irishmom2.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I do get where you are coming from. My extended family aren’t close any more and it’s sad and awkward when we do get together for things like weddings as we are like strangers. Relationships have to come from both sides and are harder from distance, I think some people are very much out of sight out of mind.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d second the idea of encouraging your husband to maintain a good one-on-one relationship with his brother. Abusive spouses often try to isolate their victims. Even if your brother is “only” in a difficult marriage, not a truly abusive one, having a sibling who checks in and just has normal conversations about normal things can help someone in a difficult marriage

I had a chance to spend some time with two siblings that I haven’t spent time with in many years. Your husband might enjoy taking a trip to spend time with one of his siblings and “swinging by” to include their brother. This is much easier to fit into a schedule than something involving their entire family.

I think I’d say, “I realize your family is just nutty busy. Bob and I were thinking of taking a trip up your way, seeing _____ together, and then swinging by to see you and just do whatever you can fit in. Just the three of us. I don’t know if we’ve ever done that since we all moved out of Mom and Dad’s. I have friends who say it is a lot of fun, though. What do you say?”

Once they’ve had that time together as adults, they’ll find their friendship as siblings might be on a much deeper footing than it ever has been. If your brother is heading for divorce or a near-divorce experience, that stronger tie could be a godsend for him.

 

[SkyRose123]

Thanks EasterJoy, I’ve encouraged husband to do those suggestions and the sibling visit is a new one which I really like. Husband has texted brother-in-law photos of family get togethers and occasionally reaches out with a phone call or email because he cares and so brother-in-law won’t feel so isolated as we suspect is the case based off of what he’s shared and what we’ve observed.

 

[Lorelei12]

I feel that some of the posts in this thread are incredibly harsh. First off, some of you really should go and call your siblings. I admit, I’m not too personally invested in relationships with my inlaws. Frankly, I find them a little bit dull. They don’t care about much that interests me and I can’t really get too excited about their primary hobby (drinking). That being said, they are my husband’s sisters and he loves them. He dutifully shuts up and steps aside when they brush him off, but I see how much it hurts him. He is not wrong for being hurt when he is told that he just isn’t cool enough to sit at their lunch table. He is not wrong for yearning for acceptance and love from his siblings. They ARE wrong for treating him the way that they treat him. There is no one on this earth who is so busy and important that they can’t be put upon to enjoy a meal or walk in the park with their own sibling once or twice a year particularly when that sibling is willing to do a two-state voyage in order to make it convenient for them. If you and your sibling mutually decide that you just have nothing to say to one another and choose to let your relationship disappear, well whatever then. But when a brother is reaching out for a connection with their family members, and there is no history of toxicity or animosity, it’s just NOT OKAY to say, “Sorry, but you just aren’t important enough for a couple hours of my time.” Suck it up and learn to be decent, people!

That being said, there is compete truth in that there is very little one can reasonably do when your siblings are self-centered meanies. Relationships are a two-way street. You can’t force someone to like or care about you. You could try laying on a guilt trip, but that will probably just cause resentment in the end. You can enlist the help of the parents or grandparents. Most people aren’t willing to blow their parents or grandparents off as easily. In general, we only see my husband’s siblings at events that are arranged by his parents. Only they apparently have the power to summon them forth. That works short term, and it might allow the cousins an opportunity to form relationships with one another. Or you could do what that character did on the Little House on the Prairie show and fake your own death so that they will come to your wake. That generally is only good for one shot though.

The main thing, for your own peace, is that you realize that this is their problem and not yours. You aren’t doing anything wrong here. Try to let go of any resentment and keep the doors open, in case they eventually grow in maturity. And when you have your own children, remember that you don’t want to get involved is silly activities that your world revolves around, to the exclusion of any time with the people that actually care about you.

I agree with all of this, with the exception that we don’t really know whether the OP and her family are doing anything wrong or not. Sometimes we aren’t aware of maybe saying something that offends someone else, or that we are making judgments about someone else and they’d rather not be around us. The OP makes a lot of assumptions about this family’s marriage and financial situation, and judges their motivations as well as how they choose to spend their time. It’s entirely possible that this comes through, whether the OP means for it to or not.

I guess I don’t really know how I would feel, since my husband and I are close with our siblings and their families. There are extended family members, however, who have said and done things, or made comments that were not nice or inappropriate, and we are not as close because of it. I’m not sure they have any idea that I was upset.

Maybe the wife is abusive, or maybe there are other things going on that no one knows anything about and the family would rather not have to discuss. Or maybe they just prefer to spend their vacation time differently and don’t like to have to host people (even when family stays at a hotel, if they are in town you still need to entertain them). Maybe they could make more effort at a relationship, and maybe it would be kind of them to. Or maybe the OP and her family could evaluate whether maybe their approach has been not as respectful as it could be.