Family issues for Christmas

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DarkLight

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So I haven’t actually talked to my parents since August, despite my mother still texting me 3-4x a week. Frankly I’m glad to be free of the constant attacks and guilt tripping and everything else. And the content of the text messages, plus the plain old steady stream of them, is not encouraging that getting back in contact would be a remotely productive action. I just don’t know how to handle Christmas.

It’s always just been a given that I’d be visiting for Christmas. I live close enough that driving over for dinner would be easy. And I’m not going over this year. But I’m not sure if I should actually make contact and say anything or not.

It’s clear from the messages that they’re assuming that I’ll be coming over. I feel like just letting that assumption stand is sort of dishonest. At the same time, I know that it’s just going to provoke another giant barrage of guilt trip and complaints about how she has no idea what’s going on (which admittedly is part of the reason I gave up talking to her). Not really sure what to do here.
 
Difficult situation. Either way, seems there will be adverse comments, etc… I guess I’d let her know your intention, and don’t get pulled into a back and forth about (I know, easier said than done).
 
By not saying anything I think you will be putting yourself “in the wrong”. So send a card wishing your parents a happy Christmas, but make it absolutely, but kindly, clear you have other plans for the day.
 
DarkLight said:
So I haven’t actually talked to my parents since August, despite my mother still texting me 3-4x a week. Frankly I’m glad to be free of the constant attacks and guilt tripping and everything else. And the content of the text messages, plus the plain old steady stream of them, is not encouraging that getting back in contact would be a remotely productive action. I just don’t know how to handle Christmas.

It’s always just been a given that I’d be visiting for Christmas. I live close enough that driving over for dinner would be easy. And I’m not going over this year. But I’m not sure if I should actually make contact and say anything or not.

It’s clear from the messages that they’re assuming that I’ll be coming over. I feel like just letting that assumption stand is sort of dishonest. At the same time, I know that it’s just going to provoke another giant barrage of guilt trip and complaints about how she has no idea what’s going on (which admittedly is part of the reason I gave up talking to her). Not really sure what to do here.
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If it were me personally, I would let her know that I’m not coming for Christmas.

That way, she’ll know what to do regarding how much food to prepare, etc.

You don’t have to give her any explanation if you don’t want to, as to why you’re not coming.

Sometimes the more information that we give to someone, the more difficult that that makes things when we’re in a difficult family situation.
 
This may go against what other people think…

I don’t feel the need to let your parents know ahead of time. You live nearby. You are one person, not a whole family of people “dropping out.” The preparations and food will be the same whether you are there or not.

DarkLight, in your situation, which I have followed over the years, you would only be giving your mother a reason to start a fight for the whole time up to Christmas. (Heaven knows she will do it afterward…)
So I would say spare yourself the trouble by not letting her know until later.

I do hope you have friends you can share the day with, and that is what you may want to tell your parents, “ I will not be over for Christmas, I have decided to spend it with my friend Sally.” At then, shut off your phone and enjoy the peace.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I don’t feel the need to let your parents know ahead of time. You live nearby. You are one person, not a whole family of people “dropping out.” The preparations and food will be the same whether you are there or not.

DarkLight, in your situation, which I have followed over the years, you would only be giving your mother a reason to start a fight for the whole time up to Christmas. (Heaven knows she will do it afterward…)
So I would say spare yourself the trouble by not letting her know until later.
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That’s a fair point.

Honestly, now that I think about it, part of the problem is that something just feels off about the assumption. It’s already kind of weird to be continually texting someone who said they needed a break and then hasn’t responded in months. I’m not entirely convinced that the assumption that of course I’m coming over for Christmas is an honest one. It would be fairly unsurprising for it to be used as a way to pressure me into coming.

That’s a lot of why I haven’t resumed contact. The working assumption right now seems to be that I’m engaging in some sort of inexplicable teenage sulkiness that she just has to wait out. Which is not encouraging me to pick contact back up.
 
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I’m just speaking here from my own family experiences where there were multiple family members who were Narcissists, and where it was such a nightmare dealing with each of those personalities.

You never knew who was going to be offended, and by what innocent comment or behavior you would do/make.

You–meaning “anyone”–can never please a Narcissist, no matter what you do. They will always find fault with what you do, even when your behavior is reasonable, because they can only see the world through their eyes.

So, it’s usually just best to figure out what works for you, because they’ll always be offended, no matter what anyone else does.

It pretty much took me a long time and lots of counseling through my adult years to see this, and to figure this out.

It’s really painful, trying to deal with these types of personalities. They cannot empathize with anyone else.
 
I think it is wise to not spend Christmas with a toxic family environment. That was something I wished I could do for many years but I had children and I couldn’t effect their Christmas with family because of my issues.

I would let your mom know in a very firm, no discussion way that you will not be there for Christmas dinner. I would wait until just before so there isn’t any wind up of other family members and then I would block your mom’s number for a few days. It can always be unblocked later.

Please spend your Christmas doing something nice though, dinner with friends, seeing a movie, or whatever brings you joy.
 
oldgraymare2 said:
You never knew who was going to be offended, and by what innocent comment or behavior you would do/make.
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Technically not true. I know exactly who is going to be offended. Usually I have a good idea by what too. The problem is that the “what” is often “any answer to the no-win question just asked.”

😉
 
Gilly_flower said:
make it absolutely, but kindly, clear you have other plans for the day.
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And make other plans, be it dinner and a movie, volunteering to visit those in the hospital at Christmas (people think of kids in hospital at Christmas, but, there are young adults, middle aged people, old folks in that hospital too who feel forgotten).
 
DarkLight said:
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oldgraymare2:
You never knew who was going to be offended, and by what innocent comment or behavior you would do/make.
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Technically not true. I know exactly who is going to be offended. Usually I have a good idea by what too. The problem is that the “what” is often “any answer to the no-win question just asked.”

😉
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I was referring to the multiple Narcissists in my family… 🙃

If you weren’t offending one at one point, you were offending the other, and so on! 😞
 
If you have had problems in your family, they know why you don’t want to spend Christmas with them. No explanations required.

And, where is it written that, beyond religious obligation, you have to be doing ‘something’ on Christmas? Or any holiday, for that matter? I often find that it is very relaxing to not ‘celebrate’ a holiday!

OP, is there an invitation you must answer, saying whether you will be with your family? If so, simply say you won’t be attending. Thanks, but no thanks. (Note: I’m not saying use those words, exactly). You don’t have to say what you’ll be doing.

Take care of yourself, for once. And, God Bless!
 
There’s not a specific invitation, no.

To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother genuinely has no idea why I don’t want to spend Christmas there. Unfortunately that’s rather part of the problem. Every time we’ve gotten anywhere near the subject she gets mad and says I’m being rude and disrespectful and she won’t listen to me until I’m ready to be polite to her.

Honestly I’m leaning towards just ignoring it. Just because the more I think about it, the stranger it is to be assuming someone who hasn’t responded to you in any way for months is planning on coming for Christmas.
 
DarkLight said:
To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother genuinely has no idea why I don’t want to spend Christmas there. Unfortunately that’s rather part of the problem. Every time we’ve gotten anywhere near the subject she gets mad and says I’m being rude and disrespectful and she won’t listen to me until I’m ready to be polite to her.

Honestly I’m leaning towards just ignoring it. Just because the more I think about it, the stranger it is to be assuming someone who hasn’t responded to you in any way for months is planning on coming for Christmas.
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My first reaction is, as others have said, “I have other plans for Christmas. Have a great day.”

But I don’t know your situation. From the above I would say, if she keeps shutting down communication like this, then it’s her own fault she doesn’t understand why. (I’m assuming, but your comments here sound like they’re coming from a respectful person who is not screaming and swearing at her!!!)

I’m in a similar position. I don’t spend holidays with my family and the last time my father asked why, I listed off a number of verbal and physical abuses (which in one surreal conversation he promised me would continue) and he simply denied any of those things ever happened. Either I’ve been doing serious drugs and am imagining things or he’s an alcoholic who genuinely doesn’t remember (or care) that he did and said these ugly things. I know I’ve never touched drugs.

So, what’s left to say? I don’t care to be screamed at over Christmas dinner so I don’t go. I try to remember that he had a very messed up childhood and wish him well and healing, now and in eternity. But my Christmas is not going to be spent being the family doormat and driving me to the brink of suicide.
 
Poet said:
I’m in a similar position. I don’t spend holidays with my family and the last time my father asked why, I listed off a number of verbal and physical abuses (which in one surreal conversation he promised me would continue) and he simply denied any of those things ever happened. Either I’ve been doing serious drugs and am imagining things or he’s an alcoholic who genuinely doesn’t remember (or care) that he did and said these ugly things. I know I’ve never touched drugs.
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Yeah that’s pretty similar to mine. One I’ve often cited is my mother’s exclamation that she is not criticizing me, she’s expressing her opinion! I shouldn’t be so controlling as to demand that she agree with me in all of her opinions, yes? And I shouldn’t be trying to dictate to her what she can and can’t say? Why do I feel the need to be so controlling towards her anyway? I really should see a therapist so I can work on my control issues but in the meantime it’s unfair for me to expect her to put up with my emotional issues.

All that from an original request to not keep complaining that she didn’t like how I was dressed. That’s a more minor example but it’s good because of the sheer silliness of it all. It does illustrate how the conversation gets flipped from a reasonable request (stop criticizing my clothing) to me making outrageous demands on her.
 
And apparently I’m going down ASAP because my grandmother’s in the hospital dying and I’m going to just have to try to avoid being cornered by my mother.

This was not how I planned my holiday season.
 
I just read this now!.I’m really sorry. There are times, I guess, when you have to do things you don’t want to do.

Are you close to your grandmother? Is your mother? This may bring about a healing of the relationship, in full or in part.

I’m really sorry. I’ll pray for all of you.

Of course, God Bless!
 
Praying for you! Lord, wrap @darklight in your comfort and strength. Allow her to be a comfort to her grandmother, may her grandmother feel comfort and peace. Holy Spirit, bring your peace to that hospital.
 
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