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defenderoftruth
Guest
O.K. well here goes. My sister gave my niece up for adoption to my mother and her 3rd husband because she was going through a tough time in her life (bad decisions with consequences).
My Stepdad is a decent guy, goes to work, is a devoted father to my niece etc. He and my mom work opposite shifts and see eachother at shift change and on the weekends. My mom and him are both overweight (obese) and aren’t healthy. They are both in their 50’s; my mom just became a cancer survivor.
Here’s the thing: My stepdad has been caught looking for women on the internet by my mother-she flipped out on him, he apologized-yet made excuses (you don’t give me enough attention), my sisters and I were upset for my mom (because her first two husbands cheated on her too). BUT I’ve come to find out through comments made by my mother she has not been giving him the marital debt-for at least 2 or more years! I know she sleeps in a separate room than him (she says it’s because he has a sleep apnea machine) and she admitted to me under questioning that she doesn’t even kiss him, hug him or hold his hand ever even. She’s not really interested in his motorcycle interests either (he’s a Harley man) which is something he’s passionate about. She also treats him like a child and berates him in front of us and my niece during family get togethers. Just a couple months ago she caught him on the internet again looking for women.
Now I KNOW that there is no excuse to cheat on someone, my problem is I basically chewed the guy out before for his internet thing and now I find out my mom doesn’t treat as a husband at all. I feel really bad about the whole thing. While it’s unacceptable to look for other women online, my mother is horrible to him and pushes him away. I feel bad for my niece in a house where this is going on. They only have a “token” marriage. They aren’t Catholic (Southern Baptist) so divorce is an acceptable alternative to them.
I feel like I should apologize to him for my past behavior with a “I’m sorry [so-and-so] for how I treated you before I didn’t know all the details of the situation”-but I don’t want him to think that I think it’s ok to look for other women either. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about this and she says “well I can’t give him any affection there is no use since he’s too fat for us to do anything” (as though she’s the pinnacle of health
). She has a friend that is in the EXACT situation. She’s also overweight, demeans her husband, denies him the marital debt (she has no problem volunteering up this info to anyone even if they don’t ask) and makes horrible comments to him about his weight. My mother is turning into if not already has this woman. (she’s an apostate Catholic now Wiccan) 
So what should I do? (I know it’s THEIR marriage) but this is my mom and my stepdad they have my niece and are raising her. My sister is just up in arms because she’s on the straight and narrow now (but still Southern Baptist).
ANY suggestions would be helpful.
DoT
My Stepdad is a decent guy, goes to work, is a devoted father to my niece etc. He and my mom work opposite shifts and see eachother at shift change and on the weekends. My mom and him are both overweight (obese) and aren’t healthy. They are both in their 50’s; my mom just became a cancer survivor.
Here’s the thing: My stepdad has been caught looking for women on the internet by my mother-she flipped out on him, he apologized-yet made excuses (you don’t give me enough attention), my sisters and I were upset for my mom (because her first two husbands cheated on her too). BUT I’ve come to find out through comments made by my mother she has not been giving him the marital debt-for at least 2 or more years! I know she sleeps in a separate room than him (she says it’s because he has a sleep apnea machine) and she admitted to me under questioning that she doesn’t even kiss him, hug him or hold his hand ever even. She’s not really interested in his motorcycle interests either (he’s a Harley man) which is something he’s passionate about. She also treats him like a child and berates him in front of us and my niece during family get togethers. Just a couple months ago she caught him on the internet again looking for women.
Now I KNOW that there is no excuse to cheat on someone, my problem is I basically chewed the guy out before for his internet thing and now I find out my mom doesn’t treat as a husband at all. I feel really bad about the whole thing. While it’s unacceptable to look for other women online, my mother is horrible to him and pushes him away. I feel bad for my niece in a house where this is going on. They only have a “token” marriage. They aren’t Catholic (Southern Baptist) so divorce is an acceptable alternative to them.
I feel like I should apologize to him for my past behavior with a “I’m sorry [so-and-so] for how I treated you before I didn’t know all the details of the situation”-but I don’t want him to think that I think it’s ok to look for other women either. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about this and she says “well I can’t give him any affection there is no use since he’s too fat for us to do anything” (as though she’s the pinnacle of health
). She has a friend that is in the EXACT situation. She’s also overweight, demeans her husband, denies him the marital debt (she has no problem volunteering up this info to anyone even if they don’t ask) and makes horrible comments to him about his weight. My mother is turning into if not already has this woman. (she’s an apostate Catholic now Wiccan) So what should I do? (I know it’s THEIR marriage) but this is my mom and my stepdad they have my niece and are raising her. My sister is just up in arms because she’s on the straight and narrow now (but still Southern Baptist).
ANY suggestions would be helpful.
DoT
It’s not right, what your stepdad is doing (watching women online), it’s essentially a self-destructive way to cope with pain and rejection. He might be retreating into a world of fantasy, other men often retreat into alcoholism to numb their pain.