Family lesson about how money corrupts

[1990Domer]

Hey Everyone!

This week–especially yesterday when we received an important letter about closing my MILs estate–my whole family felt the work of the Evil One.

As a bit of background, DH was estranged from his mom for about 4 years. He tried reconciliations, which did not work. He was honest with her, and she did not like his answers. She became ever so more toxic when FIL passed a few years prior. So, they kept in touch by mail. She was not transparent to my DH at all, so we had no idea of her finances, medical issues, whatever. Many horrible family dynamics I rather no relive.

When she passed, my husband learned she set up a trust for our son because he has special needs. He literally learned this the day before her funeral. We were thankful but in shock, as MIL really had no use for our son. He wasn’t able to give her the warm, fuzzy affection she wanted. She gravitated towards her step-grandchildren and step great-grandchildren. We were sad, but we were powerless to change our son’s diagnosis.

We kept our nose out of any estate issues. My SIL was bugging me and DH to confront the financial planner who held her assets. We patiently explained that anything we received from her estate was a bonus. This was not going to be our fight.

As I said, when the will was read, DS had a trust left to him and DH a small inheritance from the assets that were split between the two sons and my DH/trust. So, essentially, assets were split three ways.

Yesterday, we get a final accounting of the estate, which is set to be closed. Well, the trust lawyer in charge of my son’s trust took issue with the expenses the executor (youngest brother) was doling out. My two BILs caught wind that they would be out some money when the final checks were written from the estate. The one BIL–not the executor–was furious at my DH was he would give verbal approval to the disputed expenses (which were mainly wining and dining charges and money not spelled out in the will for travel expenses).

He then started yelling at me that I hated his mom and all other sorts of insults. All this for $6000. Note, he inherited about $225,000. DH told him that even if he gave any type of verbal approval, DS’s trust lawyer would overmand us.

Never had my family felt the Evil One trying to stir the pot in our house. We were arguing, old hurts were brought up, and this was after we had gone to confession that we received this letter. I was literally shaking and bedridden all day with a migraine and nausea.

I write this as a way to say that money is just not worth it. It is the root of all evil. It’s horrible. As DH likes to say, “Money is a good servant but a terrible master.” How true that is.

 

[slh3016]

Hey Everyone!

This week–especially yesterday when we received an important letter about closing my MILs estate–my whole family felt the work of the Evil One.

As a bit of background, DH was estranged from his mom for about 4 years. He tried reconciliations, which did not work. He was honest with her, and she did not like his answers. She became ever so more toxic when FIL passed a few years prior. So, they kept in touch by mail. She was not transparent to my DH at all, so we had no idea of her finances, medical issues, whatever. Many horrible family dynamics I rather no relive.

When she passed, my husband learned she set up a trust for our son because he has special needs. He literally learned this the day before her funeral. We were thankful but in shock, as MIL really had no use for our son. He wasn’t able to give her the warm, fuzzy affection she wanted. She gravitated towards her step-grandchildren and step great-grandchildren. We were sad, but we were powerless to change our son’s diagnosis.

We kept our nose out of any estate issues. My SIL was bugging me and DH to confront the financial planner who held her assets. We patiently explained that anything we received from her estate was a bonus. This was not going to be our fight.

As I said, when the will was read, DS had a trust left to him and DH a small inheritance from the assets that were split between the two sons and my DH/trust. So, essentially, assets were split three ways.

Yesterday, we get a final accounting of the estate, which is set to be closed. Well, the trust lawyer in charge of my son’s trust took issue with the expenses the executor (youngest brother) was doling out. My two BILs caught wind that they would be out some money when the final checks were written from the estate. The one BIL–not the executor–was furious at my DH was he would give verbal approval to the disputed expenses (which were mainly wining and dining charges and money not spelled out in the will for travel expenses).

He then started yelling at me that I hated his mom and all other sorts of insults. All this for $6000. Note, he inherited about $225,000. DH told him that even if he gave any type of verbal approval, DS’s trust lawyer would overmand us.

Never had my family felt the Evil One trying to stir the pot in our house. We were arguing, old hurts were brought up, and this was after we had gone to confession that we received this letter. I was literally shaking and bedridden all day with a migraine and nausea.

I write this as a way to say that money is just not worth it. It is the root of all evil. It’s horrible. As DH likes to say, “Money is a good servant but a terrible master.” How true that is.

I am so sorry for this situation. I worked for an attorney once upon a time for many years and handled the estates. It was agonizing watching families be torn apart over inheritances. Past grudges and abuses would be brought to light and families dismantled over money. So very sad.

In your case, I think it was wise that the attorney in charge of your son’s trust is not the same attorney as for the estate nor your husband. I’ve seen that mess happen before, too. Your husband just needs to direct everything your BILs have to say to the attorney for the trust. It is the attorney’s fiduciary duty to protect your son’s assets, not your husband’s. I know you know this, though, but I’m just reiterating the fact that your son’s inheritance has to be protected and the trustee is being paid to do that. The executor of the estate has the same fiduciary duty to protect the estate’s assets and typically also receives a % of the estate as compensation/reimbursement for travel expenses, etc.

Keep your head held high. You and your DH have done nothing wrong.

 

[jmj777]

I know, firsthand, how difficult it is dealing with family and money. I also know how draining life can be when the Evil One changes your whole life around, especially during this solemn time of Lent.

The Evil One has been at work on nearly every aspect of our lives since Ash Wednesday this year. Seemingly nonstop and no rock left unturned. Our cross has become so heavy.

My prayers are with you that you will overcome this challenging time.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[Beryllos]

Matthew 6:19-21 New American Bible (Revised Edition)

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”

It sounds like your and your husband’s treasure and hearts are in the right place.

I pray that you, you husband, and his family will find healing and peace.

 

[Beryllos]

Here I quibble over wording; it is not money itself, but the love of money…
1 Timothy 6:10

For the love of money is the root of all evils, and some people in their desire for it have strayed from the faith and have pierced themselves with many pains.
And how truly there are pains! Once again I pray for healing and peace.

 

[1990Domer]

I know, firsthand, how difficult it is dealing with family and money. I also know how draining life can be when the Evil One changes your whole life around, especially during this solemn time of Lent.

The Evil One has been at work on nearly every aspect of our lives since Ash Wednesday this year. Seemingly nonstop and no rock left unturned. Our cross has become so heavy.

My prayers are with you that you will overcome this challenging time.

Peace.

+JMJ+

JMJ, I will join my prayers with yours. We had our house blessed yesterday. My poor son, who is discerning a vocation (nothing is impossible with God), even felt temptations he thought he never would. God bless you! You and yours will be in our family’s prayers.

 

[1990Domer]

Here I quibble over wording; it is not money itself, but the love of money…
1 Timothy 6:10

For the love of money is the root of all evils, and some people in their desire for it have strayed from the faith and have pierced themselves with many pains.
And how truly there are pains! Once again I pray for healing and peace.

You are correct…the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. My bad. Thank you for the nice compliment.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you @slh3016. This has been a terribly horrible situation just as you described. My SIL has always wanted her husband’s “fair share” of the estate because he saved his parents college expenses by going into the Marine Corp. She never understood how me and my DH could just sacrifice and live on minimal means. i think she’s been more of the problem than BIL.

Would they be allowed to contact the trust lawyer? I didn’t think so. But if you recommend it, I will have DH talk to estate lawyer and make sure it is OK to give out the phone number of the trust lawyer.

Sadly, the roots of these three boys not being close is decades old. Perhaps once this is over we can find our peace.

 

[slh3016]

Thank you @slh3016. This has been a terribly horrible situation just as you described. My SIL has always wanted her husband’s “fair share” of the estate because he saved his parents college expenses by going into the Marine Corp. She never understood how me and my DH could just sacrifice and live on minimal means. i think she’s been more of the problem than BIL.

Would they be allowed to contact the trust lawyer? I didn’t think so. But if you recommend it, I will have DH talk to estate lawyer and make sure it is OK to give out the phone number of the trust lawyer.

Sadly, the roots of these three boys not being close is decades old. Perhaps once this is over we can find our peace.

I will PM you.

 

[mommy_k]

I think I may be missing something here, and I apologise in advance if I did. Nothing is more devastating than a divided family, and you have my sympathy.

You state that the inheritance your son is getting is a bonus, something you did not expect. So it is an extra.
.
Then you are concerned that 6000.00 has to come out equally from the heirs- and that lessens the gift, bonus, unexpected inheritance that your son is getting- because the estate is being billed that.So that would reduce it 2000.00 out of each.
-This would be a non-issue for someone who is not concerned with money-- But it is what it is:

2 parties fighting over money and you are a player- and the money does mean something to you.

In all Christian charity I point this out to you, to lessen the stress and aggravation you are going through, and help you resolve this is a peaceful manner with your extended family.

Perhaps you can explain this to your sons trust lawyer that it is not worth it to fight this.
If you afe concerned that money corrupts and is a tool of satan in this circumstance.

Family harmony should come first for all-especailly when it comes to money. I am commenting just on what I am reading, and perhaps there is more to it. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

 

[slh3016]

I think I may be missing something here, and I apologise in advance if I did. Nothing is more devastating than a divided family, and you have my sympathy.

You state that the inheritance your son is getting is a bonus, something you did not expect. So it is an extra.
.
Then you are concerned that 6000.00 has to come out equally from the heirs- and that lessens the gift, bonus, unexpected inheritance that your son is getting- because the estate is being billed that.So that would reduce it 2000.00 out of each.
-This should be a non-issue. But it is what it is:

2 parties fighting over money and you are a player-

In all Christian charity I point this out to you, to lessen the stress and aggravation you are going through, and help you resolve this is a peaceful manner with your extended family.
Perhaps you can explain this to your sons trust lawyer that it is not worth it to fight this. Family harmony should come first for all-especailly when it comes to money.

The son’s trust lawyer has no obligation to “keep family harmony.” I think that is what the OP was saying in the beginning. Even if DH agreed to split those costs, the trust attorney would not. The trust attorney’s sole responsibility is to protect and preserve the trust assets, which are a portion of the MIL’s estate. If he fails to dispute the mishandling of the estate’s assets, he could very well be in breach of his fiduciary duty to the trust, just as the mishandling and inappropriate spending of the estate’s assets COULD be a breach of the Executor’s fiduciary duty to the estate.

 

[mommy_k]

The son’s trust lawyer has no obligation to “keep family harmony.” I think that is what the OP was saying in the beginning. Even if DH agreed to split those costs, the trust attorney would not. The trust attorney’s sole responsibility is to protect and preserve the trust assets, which are a portion of the MIL’s estate. If he fails to dispute the mishandling of the estate’s assets, he could very well be in breach of his fiduciary duty to the trust, just as the mishandling and inappropriate spending of the estate’s assets COULD be a breach of the Executor’s fiduciary duty to the estate.

I see…so. The child’s trustee is preserving the sons inheritance-and Domer and family is being blamed?

On another note:

Yikes-Domer I am so sorry. I knew I was reading something that was not like you and and I don’t know the law… My apologies and sympathy.:flowers:

 

[1990Domer]

I think I may be missing something here, and I apologise in advance if I did. Nothing is more devastating than a divided family, and you have my sympathy.

You state that the inheritance your son is getting is a bonus, something you did not expect. So it is an extra.
.
Then you are concerned that 6000.00 has to come out equally from the heirs- and that lessens the gift, bonus, unexpected inheritance that your son is getting- because the estate is being billed that.So that would reduce it 2000.00 out of each.
-This would be a non-issue for someone who is not concerned with money-- But it is what it is:

2 parties fighting over money and you are a player- and the money does mean something to you.

In all Christian charity I point this out to you, to lessen the stress and aggravation you are going through, and help you resolve this is a peaceful manner with your extended family.

Perhaps you can explain this to your sons trust lawyer that it is not worth it to fight this.
If you afe concerned that money corrupts and is a tool of satan in this circumstance.

Family harmony should come first for all-especailly when it comes to money. I am commenting just on what I am reading, and perhaps there is more to it. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Sorry, we considered anything we ever received from an estate “found money.” It was never something we were hanging our hats on like some people do.

No the estate was split 3 way between the 3 sons with 34% going to the son/executor, 32% going to the middle son, and 32% going to my DH/DS trust (2% to DH, rest to trust.). The total amount skimmed off was over $12,000.

We have no power over the trust attorney and family harmony was gone before my husband was married. If we did, we would say the heck with it. But the trust attorney said what the executor did was legally wrong, and she is upholding her standards as advocate for my son.

My DH did contact her and she politely told her this is her responsibility. She cannot act on what is not covered in the legal documents.

 

[1990Domer]

I see…so. The child’s trustee is preserving the sons inheritance-and Domer and family is being blamed?

On another note:

Yikes-Domer I am so sorry. I knew I was reading something that was not like you and and I don’t know the law… My apologies and sympathy.:flowers:

Sorry that I didn’t read down or up before I posted. Thank you shl for the better explanation.

Trust me (pun intended), we want the ordeal ended. The executor and middle son have fallen away from the faith, and the executor (youngest son) openly said that he hates me. So, I am in a spiritually bad place now. If you can please pray for me.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry, we considered anything we ever received from an estate “found money.” It was never something we were hanging our hats on like some people do.

No the estate was split 3 way between the 3 sons with 34% going to the son/executor, 32% going to the middle son, and 32% going to my DH/DS trust (2% to DH, rest to trust.). The total amount skimmed off was over $12,000.

We have no power over the trust attorney and family harmony was gone before my husband was married. If we did, we would say the heck with it. But the trust attorney said what the executor did was legally wrong, and she is upholding her standards as advocate for my son.

My DH did contact her and she politely told her this is her responsibility. She cannot act on what is not covered in the legal documents.

Come to think of it, the extra 2% that the executor is getting might have been intended to cover this sort of thing.

 

[1990Domer]

Xantippe, the extra 2% was just because he agreed to do it. He got paid $24K in addition to will allocations. So, the $24K was listed as money used to compensate the executor for his fees, according to the trust lawyer. Executor are entitled to a separate fee.

This was all spelled out in the final tax filing.

Honestly, we would not mind helping them, but they have neither been kind to my family not the most upstanding of citizens (they drink, smoke and do a fair amount of pot). I can’t justify subsidizing their lifestyles.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…As a bit of background, DH was estranged from his mom for about 4 years. He tried reconciliations, which did not work. He was honest with her, and she did not like his answers. She became ever so more toxic when FIL passed a few years prior. So, they kept in touch by mail. She was not transparent to my DH at all, so we had no idea of her finances, medical issues, whatever. Many horrible family dynamics I rather no relive.

When she passed, my husband learned she set up a trust for our son because he has special needs. He literally learned this the day before her funeral. We were thankful but in shock, as MIL really had no use for our son. He wasn’t able to give her the warm, fuzzy affection she wanted. She gravitated towards her step-grandchildren and step great-grandchildren. We were sad, but we were powerless to change our son’s diagnosis…
…I write this as a way to say that money is just not worth it. It is the root of all evil. It’s horrible. As DH likes to say, “Money is a good servant but a terrible master.” How true that is.

I hear you that money can corrupt and cause disputes between people. But as you are in the midst of this time of loss and grief, I want to point out to you that your MIL remembered your son in her will. You say she gravitated towards step-grandchildren and such, but it was your special needs son whom she left money to. Maybe this was the portion she’d intended to give your husband before they became estranged, but in any case, she did leave something to your husband *by setting up a trust to help take care of your child. *(And in reality, it probably helped save you some of the work of setting up a trust for him if she’d left the money to your husband directly, because you’d probably have wanted to do something like that with the money anyway.)

She remembered your son in her will! She remembered your husband and you too-- in that you’d want your son cared for to in the way that this trust may help to care for him. Your MIL may have tried to heal some of the hurt and “toxicity” of the past through establishment a trust to help care for her grandson. Indeed, money is a terrible master, but maybe in her last Will and Testament, she tried to use her money as a *servant *to help heal some of the wounds and to help care for the people she loved, even if she didn’t know how to show them she loved them when she was alive.

---

Eternal rest grant unto her, oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

 

[1990Domer]

I hear you that money can corrupt and cause disputes between people. But as you are in the midst of this time of loss and grief, I want to point out to you that your MIL remembered your son in her will. You say she gravitated towards step-grandchildren and such, but it was your special needs son whom she left money to. Maybe this was the portion she’d intended to give your husband before they became estranged, but in any case, she did leave something to your husband *by setting up a trust to help take care of your child. *(And in reality, it probably helped save you some of the work of setting up a trust for him if she’d left the money to your husband directly, because you’d probably have wanted to do something like that with the money anyway.)

She remembered your son in her will! She remembered your husband and you too-- in that you’d want your son cared for to in the way that this trust may help to care for him. Your MIL may have tried to heal some of the hurt and “toxicity” of the past through establishment a trust to help care for her grandson. Indeed, money is a terrible master, but maybe in her last Will and Testament, she tried to use her money as a *servant *to help heal some of the wounds and to help care for the people she loved, even if she didn’t know how to show them she loved them.

I fully agree. This wasn’t lost on us. It just hurts at the excuses she made to avoid attending his First Holy Communion. It was death by 1000 cuts dealing with her. We now have a better relationship in death than we ever did in life. She now knows our hearts. We can actually talk to her the way we wished we could!

God bless!

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe, the extra 2% was just because he agreed to do it. He got paid $24K in addition to will allocations. So, the $24K was listed as money used to compensate the executor for his fees, according to the trust lawyer. Executor are entitled to a separate fee.

This was all spelled out in the final tax filing.

Honestly, we would not mind helping them, but they have neither been kind to my family not the most upstanding of citizens (they drink, smoke and do a fair amount of pot). I can’t justify subsidizing their lifestyles.

Ay yay yay.

 

[1990Domer]

Ay yay yay.

Yes, it is truly sad as we are being harassed by playing by the rules.