Family life made us miserable

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NormanWithers

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I met my future wife at college and we had wonderful few years together. We never had an argument, had a good sex, lived a comfortable life. However, after I returned to Catholic faith, I soon realized that my life was sinful. To fix things I decided to marry my girlfriend and start a family as God intended. My son was born soon after marriage and that was the beginning of my woes. The child was and is very difficult, stubborn and hyperactive. Caring of him sapped all my wife’s energy and made her focus exclusively on rearing him. I soon realized that I became the least important person in the family and my wife started considering me as convenient helper instead of the lover. All this put a terrible strain on our once perfect relationship, which soon degenerated into quarrels and resentment. This continued for few years with slight improvement right before my wife’s second pregnancy. Second child made things even worse. We had virtually no sex and little intimacy during entire pregnancy. My wife’s disposition was terrible and we were struggling to keep up with daily chores. Little changed after the child was born. We have no sex due to breastfeeding and this will continue God knows how long. We are both disappointed with the state of our marriage and pretty resentful. Children are nuisance and as much as we love them, it is hard not to wonder how would life look if we did not decide to start a family. Both me and my wife consider post-marital years to be worst period in our lives.

What I can’t understand is how could following Gods commandments result in us being totally miserable. I know that Jesus did not promise us happy and prosperous life but shouldn’t we find at least peace in all those hardships? My life is anything but peaceful. Constant quarrels and struggle for chastity is my daily experience. In fact, starting a family did not make me sin less, it made me sin more! It is just mostly anger instead of impurity now. And there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my native language.
 
How old are your children now?

I am sympathetic to what you are going through. It sounds a lot like what happened to my husband and me. Children make for a profound change in marriage. I think a lot of people experience something similar when they have children - suddenly there is a huge change in priorities and for a time you can’t put yourself first. It can be overwhelming.

I hope you do not take offense at this, but I might suggest this to you and see if it fits. I found for me, that children have been a very good “cure” for selfishness for both me and my husband. Reading your post, I hear a lot of “me, me, me.” While yes, your needs are important, too, the realities of parenting the very young will sometimes get in the way of that. Making peace with that makes it a lot easier, as well as accepting that for most things it is temporary (kids do learn to sleep at night, feed themselves, play by themselves/with each other - oh, it’s great when siblings get to that point!)

A few other practical considerations: If your wife is really struggling emotionally, could she be screened for postpartum depression? Are you helping her as much as you could? From what I understand, a lot of men resist being temporarily in this “helper” instead of “lover” role. But the needs of child rearing make it very hard for a woman to see herself as a sexual being. She can get consumed by the duties of being a mom, and many women get “touched out” - they give so much of themselves to their babies that they feel like they have nothing left. It can be very easy, especially if a woman has postpartum depression too, for her to regard a husband who wants more intimacy as just another child with needs to be satisfied, especially if she doesn’t feel like she has the support she needs.

My husband was in for a big surprise when he finally came to understand just how much was required to take care of our kids. For what seemed to me an astonishingly long time, he thought our lives would just go on as normal, but with an extra person or two in them. He thought if he “pitched in” by doing dishes once a week, that was enough additional help. Yeah - it wasn’t, and unfortunately I really resented him for that a long time. That wasn’t good for our marriage.

If marriage therapy is available where you are, I’d also consider that, preferably with a solidly Catholic therapist. Maybe you could meet with a priest? One thing that I wonder about, too, since you said English was not your first language, is about cultural expectations of mothers and fathers. In the US at least, we pay lip service to the idea that mothers and fathers should be equally involved, but that is very rarely the practice. If you work and your wife stays at home, yes it makes sense that at-home duties will not be split perfectly down the middle, but I would suggest to you that you and your wife have very different ideas about how much each of you does. At the very least, I would give your wife a break every single day where you take over all child duties so she can spend some time on self-care. That might help her feel more like the woman she was before you married. I always feel more human after I get a shower - but that’s really hard to do when dealing with two young babies by yourself!

God bless you and your family. This time is very difficult, but it can be managed and even be joyful, too. This may be a language thing, but you did not suggest in your post that you love your children. Some are more difficult than others, that’s true, but if you exclusively view your children as a burden instead of a gift, that is good for nobody. And even the difficult traits can have their positives - my oldest son is very stubborn and spirited. Part of that is just his age (he’s 3), but he’s always tended that way. It can make parenting him very difficult, but if parented well I think those tendencies could serve him well in adulthood. I doubt he’ll be a pushover!
 
Older son is 3 and infant is 6 months old.

I understand and accept most of what you have written. In my country husbands help a lot with daily chores and with child care, even though it is mostly woman who stay at home after birth. I am no exception and in order to both help and earn money I had to give up almost all my personal life (hobbies etc). I did that but I still resent it. So I can say I am not selfish in action but I still have selfish desires that make me unhappy.

I am fairly sure that my wife could be diagnosed with depression. I would surely be angry and depressed if I had to stay at home all day. However, I doubt anything can be done, she is breastfeeding so no drugs are allowed. There is no Catholic counseling where I live and I hesitate to go to ordinary counseling in fear of being advised to divorce. It is better not to bring this subject up at this point.

I must admit that I have hard time not viewing children as a burden. Having them basically took everything we enjoyed from us and gave little back in return. I can only think of it as a sacrifice, which I frankly did not intend to make.
 
Can you hire help? Nanny? Family? Any one who can watch the kids for a little while? So that you and your wife can have a time out. So that your wife can have a bit of me time. Even a 20 minute walk outside dies wonders.
 
NormanWithers said:
Older son is 3 and infant is 6 months old.

I understand and accept most of what you have written. In my country husbands help a lot with daily chores and with child care, even though it is mostly woman who stay at home after birth. I am no exception and in order to both help and earn money I had to give up almost all my personal life (hobbies etc). I did that but I still resent it. So I can say I am not selfish in action but I still have selfish desires that make me unhappy.

I am fairly sure that my wife could be diagnosed with depression. I would surely be angry and depressed if I had to stay at home all day. However, I doubt anything can be done, she is breastfeeding so no drugs are allowed. There is no Catholic counseling where I live and I hesitate to go to ordinary counseling in fear of being advised to divorce. It is better not to bring this subject up at this point.

I must admit that I have hard time not viewing children as a burden. Having them basically took everything we enjoyed from us and gave little back in return. I can only think of it as a sacrifice, which I frankly did not intend to make.
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I was able to have my postpartum depression treated without medication, but there are depression medications safe for breastfeeding, if your wife would need it. I know the rules vary from country to country, but if your wife’s doctor is saying, “too bad,” find another doctor. (Also if the doctor makes the error of assuming medication is the only help. It’s not.)

I would advise looking for a counselor anyway. Based on what you’ve written, your problems are common ones for new parents. You can seek counseling from a priest as well, who can give you solid Catholic advice - a priest may even be able to offer a referral to a counselor who will respect your religious beliefs. You may want counseling for yourself, too - this post sounds very much like you’ve given up and think your situation is hopeless, and it isn’t. While a man can’t truly get postpartum depression because his hormones aren’t doing the same things as a new mother’s, it is a major life adjustment and that in and of itself can lead to depression.

I also want to bring attention to the bolded. One is to highlight (again) that part of this is very temporary. Even with children, once they are older and a bit more independent, you will have room for some of this in your life again. But - what has your wife given up? Does she have a personal life? Does she have hobbies?

Actually, that brings me to another practical point. Do you have a support network of any kind where you are? Do you have friends who have children, or could you make some? (I was very fortunate to find a mom’s group through my parish and they are a great support. We were the first in our social group to have children, and nobody “got it.” We felt very abandoned for the first year or two.) My husband has over the past few years gravitated toward spending more time with his friends who have children, who understand our schedule (we can’t just go out at 9pm on a weeknight anymore!) Do you have family? Your youngest child is old enough now that you could periodically spend an afternoon or evening with just the two of you if you had a reliable babysitter. You don’t even have to do anything fancy or something that costs money.

You can also try and see if you can integrate your children into your hobbies. I am a runner and every race I’ve done has been stroller-friendly and had events for children. My husband really likes watching sports, and he’s had a ball this year teaching our son about the different teams he likes, the names of the players, and even some of the rules of the games. It’s different than it was before we had kids, but he hasn’t had to completely give it up. In a few years, he’ll be able to take our oldest to a game in person. A three-year-old is getting to the point where he could begin getting involved in a lot of things and understand simple directions. You could probably involve him in a few of the things you like to do, with some age-appropriate modifications.
 
You have my prayers for God to lead you to a solution for this situation, I would mot be able to suggest anything more than you have already received from others who have responded. Sometimes things just snowball and get out of control, it sounds like this has happened in your life and marriage. I urge you to try to rely on your faith and prayers to help you day by day and I promise to pray for you also.
 
I believe there is light at the end of your tunnel, but you can’t detect it yet. Please hang on.
Sometimes we can’t understand what is happening with us when we are in the midst of the storm, but later looking back we can make some sense of it.

Your first child is hyperactive and difficult to deal with. I have read and heard a presentation on how sometimes a child may have sensitives and after they are found out and avoided the hyperactivity disappeared like magic. It may be worth checking into and you can research the subject in more detail. I’ll just give a little idea. All food additives go out of the child’s diet.
Artificial colors, all chemical preservatives, sugar and any food that had been produced with pesticides or chemicals are avoided. Modern day wheat, corn, soy sometimes cause major problems. Sometimes the waves emitted by TV’s etc also effect these children. The presentation I heard about this was around 1980 by a psychologist ( wife) pyschiatrist ( husband). They were totally embarrassed by the out of control behavior of their child. These days there is alot more information available. The behavior change was very drastic and they learned alot by trial and error.

God bless you.
 
a support network is a huge help in these situations, acts as a vital pressure relief valve.

I think of my parents having the big bunch of us. But they often got to set the kids aside on Sundays when we went over to my grandmother’s house where there were plenty of relatives watching us while my parents could sit down and drink beer with the other adults. They also did the hire a babysitter thing so they could go out on Fridays or Saturdays. Maybe once a year, do a weekend away.

Another example: I once knew a family with a young daughter. But their second child, a son, was born with autism. Dealing with that child was extremely hard on the marriage and I’m positive that without the nearby family on both sides, they would have broken up over it.
 
Children are often hard as infants/toddlers, and take up a lot of time, so much so that parents go through a phase of having little time for each other, particularly if both parents work. 2 observations, please, oft unmentioned or forgotten:
  1. One statement I’ve heard is this: Parents take care of kids who are young; the kids take care of the parents later. Whenever you hear about con men taking advantage of the elderly, i.e., “repaving the driveway” with a oil solution that washes away after a rain, etc., invariably the targets are the childless elderly who have no one to watch their finances; make sure they’re OK, etc. I don’t mean to reduce children to a “risk/reward” equation, but, despite this, with children the “reward” of having them often comes years down the road. Holidays, for example, are very hard for the childless elderly.
  2. IMHO, and as a parent, children reach a “very fun age” shortly after 3-4 years of age. Sounds like OP’s children are not there yet. At that age, the children become old enough that they can start to care for themselves in small ways, i.e., put their own clothes on; get their coats on to leave the house, etc. At that age, they also become fun to do things with, experience the world with, etc., because they become old enough to understand what is going on around them, while being big enough to self-ambulate, etc. My best times as a parent didn’t start until my child was about 3-4 years of age.
Hope this helps!
 
You’re a perfectly normal couple. Turn the TV off and talk to other actual people to reset your expectations in life. Self-indulgence is very nice at the time you’re doing it. But it produces absolutely nothing of real value and only saps your resources.

Giving up of yourself for the sake of others literally changes you and fundamentally makes you a better person. It’s the mystery of suffering. We all hate it, but we all seem to need it or we become despicable jerks.
 
NormanWithers said:
I met my future wife at college and we had wonderful few years together. We never had an argument, had a good sex, lived a comfortable life. However, after I returned to Catholic faith, I soon realized that my life was sinful. To fix things I decided to marry my girlfriend and start a family as God intended. My son was born soon after marriage and that was the beginning of my woes. The child was and is very difficult, stubborn and hyperactive. Caring of him sapped all my wife’s energy and made her focus exclusively on rearing him. I soon realized that I became the least important person in the family and my wife started considering me as convenient helper instead of the lover. All this put a terrible strain on our once perfect relationship, which soon degenerated into quarrels and resentment. This continued for few years with slight improvement right before my wife’s second pregnancy. Second child made things even worse. We had virtually no sex and little intimacy during entire pregnancy. My wife’s disposition was terrible and we were struggling to keep up with daily chores. Little changed after the child was born. We have no sex due to breastfeeding and this will continue God knows how long. We are both disappointed with the state of our marriage and pretty resentful. Children are nuisance and as much as we love them, it is hard not to wonder how would life look if we did not decide to start a family. Both me and my wife consider post-marital years to be worst period in our lives.

What I can’t understand is how could following Gods commandments result in us being totally miserable. I know that Jesus did not promise us happy and prosperous life but shouldn’t we find at least peace in all those hardships? My life is anything but peaceful. Constant quarrels and struggle for chastity is my daily experience. In fact, starting a family did not make me sin less, it made me sin more! It is just mostly anger instead of impurity now. And there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my native language.
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It is the easy yoke of Christ but is filled with persecutions.Matthew 10

34 Do not think that I came to send peace upon earth: I came not to send peace, but the sword. 35 For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And as a man’s enemies shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me. **38 **And he that taketh not up his cross, and followeth me, is not worthy of me. 39 He that findeth his life, shall lose it: and he that shall lose his life for me, shall find it.
 
Its a very clever name you picked for someone who does not have English as a native language, Norman. You show no love here in this post whatsoever for your children. Or your wife. They sound rather like hypothetical family, not a* real *family. I think there is a reason for that. And the whole “story” is about your missing the kind of sex you two had back in college, before you were saddled with the big burden of having to be Catholic again. It just sounds really fishy to me.

Yes. Because I have seen SO MANY such unbelievable “problems” like yours shared here on the Family Life forum over the years that*** all sound like they could have been written by - you! Yes, you. The very same “voice” as yours. The same speech patterns in the writing. Yes, you sound exactly like the same guy who has been trolling this Family Life subforum at CAF for years.* Always with a new name, and a new problem story, where the bottom line is being Catholic is always this: being Catholic is impossible, and no fun! Too many confining rules. :yawn:

I’ve been away awhile and just came back. And it looks like you are still here after all these years! Isn’t anyone else onto you?
“You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” - Abraham Lincoln
 
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