Family man or bachelor?

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mphill85

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While having my girlfriend over for a visit, she has brought up some important facts about my life that I have not thought about when it comes to others.

I’ve been a loner most of my life and actually I’ve been perfectly content with living alone. I have nothing against social interactions and I hang out with co-workers from time to time. However I’ve been interested in the prospect of getting married and my girlfriend knows it. However I think I’ve either misunderstood or don’t know much when it comes to relationships.
What I’m worried about is becoming married but during the course of the marriage I start wanting to be by myself more and more, pushing away from my family and neglecting family responsibilities. I can’t tell whether I should pursue marriage, look more in-depth into the concept (no idea how long girlfriend will wait), or if I should stick with leading a bachelor life (although see if there is any possible spiritual and catholic conflicts with such a course of action)
 
Well… I can relate because I know I LOVE spending time alone and if I don’t get enough of it I get very cranky very fast.

Also, things that most people think is a fun outing I would much rather do by myself. Like after a long day at work, I just want to leave alone and not talk to anyone. I had one friend who wanted to meet me at the gym. She would be happy to see me and say ‘hi’ and I found that so annoying. In my mind all I could think is ‘I just had a long day, I want to be by myself, work out my frustration and go home and have supper. This is no time to talk’. She could not for the world understand why I would blow my lid when I would walk to the water fountain and she would say ‘Wait for me I will only be a minute’

However, I don’t think that means you are to be a bachelor your whole life. I think even married people need their alone time and a good spouse would respect that. Also, I think you will know you have found a catch when you meet a woman and all of a sudden, your need to be alone lessens a bit. It will never totally go away, but if you can stand someone’s company for extended periods of time, that is a good match

CM
 
I understand what you mean, as I myself like time alone and I do not think that I would last in a Marriage. I do think that I will be alone all my life, I cannot imagine myself living otherwise.

You of all people, know exactly what you want, the amount of time you need etc, etc. Talk to your girlfriend about if and see if something can be sorted, what happens is based on decision that the TWO of you make.

If you are unsure, then it might be best to remain a bachelor for a longer period of time, if your girlfriend cannot wait, then it was not meant to be. I would suggest talking to a priest about it.
 
Phi, do you miss her when she’s not there? When something happens do you want to call and tell her about it? If the answer is yes, you may have found your partner for life. But you need to have an honest conversation about needing some alone time in the relationship. She may also value time for herself or to spend with her girlfriends. Good luck!🙂
 
mphill85 said:
While having my girlfriend over for a visit, she has brought up some important facts about my life that I have not thought about when it comes to others.

I’ve been a loner most of my life and actually I’ve been perfectly content with living alone. I have nothing against social interactions and I hang out with co-workers from time to time. However I’ve been interested in the prospect of getting married and my girlfriend knows it. However I think I’ve either misunderstood or don’t know much when it comes to relationships.
What I’m worried about is becoming married but during the course of the marriage I start wanting to be by myself more and more, pushing away from my family and neglecting family responsibilities. I can’t tell whether I should pursue marriage, look more in-depth into the concept (no idea how long girlfriend will wait), or if I should stick with leading a bachelor life (although see if there is any possible spiritual and catholic conflicts with such a course of action)
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First, how old are you? I’ve been a bachelor since H.S. and in the later years when you retire and have no children and no wife and no near relatives close by it can be pretty challenging.

I would say that if you find a good woman, you are healthy, and you know what you are getting into, it would be a good idea. As for the being alone part, of course you won’t be able to chase your new wife out the door for days at a time, that would never work. But she might leave you alone in your " man cave " for an hour or so from time to time but don’t think for a minute about days at a time - you have to get rid of that notion right now. And, oh by the way, she may not like you looming around all the time either. 👍
 
One of the best pre-wedding advice I ever received was that you should not feel that you have to do EVERYTHING together. If you do, you will soon have nothing to talk about to each other and you could end up being one of those cutesy, nauseating couples people run away from!😃

Seriously, there are multiple things to be considered:
  1. You have your own need for private space and activities. Recognize that fact.
  2. So may your girlfriend. Does she? Have you ever bothered to ask?
  3. Marriage WILL change your life because you will be sharing your life and space with someone else.
  4. How will you handle and adapt to that change? And if you ask yourself that question you need to re-evaluate the future of the relationship because the real question should be…
  5. How will we BOTH handle and adapt to this change in our lives?
You probably won’t have the complete answer to question 5 prior to your marriage, but it is an important part of the discussion you need to have with your girlfriend/fiance – not the" guys" on an internal forum!🙂
 
I don’t think your desire for alone time necessarily rules out marriage. Both my husband and I cherish alone time…and we give it to one another. It’s as simple as that.
 
However I’ve been interested in the prospect of getting married and my girlfriend knows it. However I think I’ve either misunderstood or don’t know much when it comes to relationships.
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can the two of you be in the same place, happily occupied with different things? like one reads a book, one is on the internet - and you are both content?

the best compliment i have been given by a good friend is, ‘being with you is like being alone.’ she meant that she was comfortable with me enough to not worry about the impression she was giving me.

that’s the level of comfort to seek. i said that to my husband, once, and he sputtered for a minute. then he thought about it. then he said, ‘you, too.’

Copied and pasted:
I had surgery on my left hand on Oct. 11th, which means I must hunt and peck with my right hand. That is so slow that I plan to desert my usual grammar and spelling for the next few days, until I can use my left hand a little. Thank you all for your patience!
 
Well, it’s not a big deal until you have kids, imo.

Once you have kids, then you learn that you sacrifice what you want for their care… at least until bedtime :). With your spouse, you can communicate about needing alone time, etc.
 
I get what you’re saying. I’m a lot like that and even the idea of having to date seems annoying to me. I need a lot of alone time. Unfortunately, being a woman, I likely won’t get that in a marriage as I’ll be expected to constantly be looking after kids.

I don’t even know how I tolerate sharing a bed with someone. I bought a queen size bed in order to have more space to take up.

I’m really more of a dog person myself.
 
Aggies08 makes a great point. All of us can envision you working it out with your future wife for each of you to have some alone time. Once you have children, however, you will need to be with them and not shut them out. After they go to bed, you may get a few hours of quiet time. You can probably “take turns” with your wife to care for the kids and get some solitary time. She will need that too. You need to consider that.

I treasure my quiet time alone. But at the end of the day, I love it when everyone comes home and we sit down to a family dinner. Best time of the day by far for me. Most People need to share the ups and downs of daily life. When you’re older or sick, you will want and need people who love you in your life.
 
🙂 It’s so funny seeing someone else coming up with the ‘it’s like being alone’ analogy!

I spent nearly all my adult life single and when one of my previously good friends announced he wanted us to become a couple, I was horrified and gave him a long and cringe-making lecture about how, as his friend, I couldn’t possibly let him go there because I was just too used to looking after myself and wasn’t relationship material 😃

8 months later and I actually understand now what’s meant by the phrase ‘other half’. I always thought it was just some smug throw away comment that the 'nauseating ones ’ liked to say…but with him it really feels as though I’m alone sometimes, because I have no hang-ups or worries. I don’t fret about what I say, or do, or wear, or eat…so at first I thought “this is odd! Where are the nerves? the butterflies? the thrill of the chase?”

A lot of very successful marriages involve people who like their own space. I remember a documentary over here about Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester United’s manager. It showed him being massively successful and going off collecting trophies and yelling at his team…and then it cut to his wife who he’s been married to for a long time. Her comment, when asked how she felt when the team went away on tour?

😃 “When he’s at home he just gets under my feet!”

You have to ask yourself - is my life fundamentally richer or poorer with this person?
Is this a person who will help me get to Heaven?
Can I help this person get to Heaven?

I spent years looking for more - or wondering what I was actually looking for :confused:

In short - I thought love was about excitement and feeling the rug had been pulled from under my feet and it’s not! Love is finding a big, thick, warm rug placed firmly under my feet and realising it’s there to stay.👍
 
Rose, You comment is absolutely poetic! So beautifully stated.🙂
 
If you find the right woman, who doesn’t mind that you need a lot of alone time, and doesn’t mind doing most of the day to day parenting stuff, I guess it would be ok… But I will the the dissenting voice here in saying that I know some “confirmed bat helots” who got married and it was a horror show.

For example, a friend of mine married her long time, on-again, off-again boyfriend. He is about 10 years older than her. She was about 35 when they married. They had a baby right away, since they felt they were starting kind of late. Well, the guy never changed 95% of his routine… The wife did everything associated with the baby… Every feeding, every bath, every bedtime routine…every single day, even though they both work full time, and in fact, the husband gets home from work hours before the wife. He would get home, go to the gym, go for a run or a bike ride or surfing or whatever… And she was left to pick the baby up from daycare, take him home, cook dinner, bathe the baby, put him to bed, etc. Etc. It got to the point where the child didn’t even want dad to do any of it, since it was always mom. Hubby went on ski trips and Vegas jaunts with his buddies, like always. She was left home with the child. Eventually, she got so resentful that they wound up splitting.
She told me that marrying a confirmed bachelor was the worst decision she ever made. He had gotten to the point that he was so set in his ways that he was seemingly not capable of adjusting to a shared life.
Ironically, now he is forced to do everything 2 weekends a month since he has no wife when his son is with him.
 
From the point of view of a marriage working, It’s not really as important whether you want or need more time alone or less time alone or when, but rather whether the two of you are so compatible that you need the time together or alone about the same time or can live with the difference.

From a practical point of view, you’d generally need to make sure your inclination is known and you’ve got the lady’s (name removed by moderator)ut on your habits (and hers as well) and you may need to think about child care if you can predict yourself needing time for work or some other stuff more often than the typical person.

I’ve had some of the same doubts as you. My work tends to involve analysing and synthetising and dealing with concepts, while requiring a lot of focus, and I’m bad at multitasking. Might end up in a bit of a mess if I were to have small children.
 
Deo_Gratias42 said:
I get what you’re saying. I’m a lot like that and even the idea of having to date seems annoying to me. I need a lot of alone time. Unfortunately, being a woman, I likely won’t get that in a marriage as I’ll be expected to constantly be looking after kids.

I don’t even know how I tolerate sharing a bed with someone. I bought a queen size bed in order to have more space to take up.

I’m really more of a dog person myself.
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👍

I share a twin bed with a 100-lb. potbellied pig. 😃 I will never, ever love a man as much as I love that pig!

Jala
 
mphill85 said:
While having my girlfriend over for a visit, she has brought up some important facts about my life that I have not thought about when it comes to others.

I’ve been a loner most of my life and actually I’ve been perfectly content with living alone. I have nothing against social interactions and I hang out with co-workers from time to time. However I’ve been interested in the prospect of getting married and my girlfriend knows it. However I think I’ve either misunderstood or don’t know much when it comes to relationships.
What I’m worried about is becoming married but during the course of the marriage I start wanting to be by myself more and more, pushing away from my family and neglecting family responsibilities. I can’t tell whether I should pursue marriage, look more in-depth into the concept (no idea how long girlfriend will wait), or if I should stick with leading a bachelor life (although see if there is any possible spiritual and catholic conflicts with such a course of action)
Click to expand...
I’m a bit of a loner myself and wouldn’t want to marry someone who had to be with me at every moment. I think most people do have to have some alone time just to relax and think about things if nothing else. Some people though feel the need to be with their spouse all the time. If your girlfriend is like that then you should probably think about it before you marry her. If she’s ok with you both having your own interests and not being together for every activity then your probably ok. As a never married person myself I imagine any marriage would be a big adjustment before you really need to think about the other person before yourself but I do think it’s also healthy to have separate interests or hobbies from a spouses. There are couples who do everything together and seem happy so I guess you just need to make sure that the person you marry is in agreement and the sort of person who would be happy in the type of relationship you want.
 
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