Family member situation

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eng7j

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Hi all,

I could really use some help and advice. My husband and I have been praying about this situation since it started. For about 5 years now.

My mother in law hasn’t liked me since the day she met me. While we dated and were engaged she continually spoke to my then boyfriend/fiance about why she didn’t like me and how she misunderstood many very basic situations. In the beginning I tried to explain myself and apologize but she only saw things her way and always has. Honestly the most basic thing is taken the wrong way and nothing I said or did was ever right. There was no way of pleasing her. She already made up her mind in the beginning she didn’t like me and wasn’t going to change that. She always tried to act normal around me but liked to have a “secret” negative opinion about me to my then boyfriend/fiance and didn’t want him to tell me about it. She liked being two faced I guess? My boyfriend/fiance used to tolerate her poor behavior and the past few years since we’ve been married we’ve tried to establish boundaries. I haven’t seen her in over 3 years since she doesn’t live close. When we went to visit my husband’s family over Christmas we stayed with family friends because he didn’t want to have us around his mom’s abusive behavior. At the time leading up to our visit this past Christmas my mother in law started up her abusive behavior on overdrive. Sending my husband negative emails about me and even my sister in law nasty emails. So I told my husband on the visit I didn’t want to see my motherinlaw as I didn’t feel comfortable and if he wanted to meet up with his mom to try and resolve things and because he doesn’t see her often that I didn’t mind. They met up 3 times and my husband said no good came from it. He thinks his mom is very prideful and will never change. 😦 We’ve always had hope for a miracle since her negative behavior started but it has only gotten worse.

My husband gave her a call a few months ago to tell her about our son’s baptism and how it will be shortly after he is born. He casually wanted to give her a heads up to invite her in case she wanted to make travel plans to come. The only question she asked was “Can I stay with you”. My husband said he’d have to get back to her about that.

Over the last five years my mother in law has sent abusive emails (and still continues to send unpleasant ones but perhaps they aren’t as bad as they were a few years ago). About 3 years ago my husband told my mother in law he didn’t feel comfortable emailing her unless it was to set up a time to chat on the phone or skype. Well she still sends unpleasant emails unfortunately and recently told my husband she only wants to talk to him over the phone or skype because “I will skype with You only, at this stage, firstly,
Because I would like to know and find out, who you are, or … When I speak of you, it is always of the past, nothing is ever spoken of the last 3 years. Not only that, there is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to you alone. For the first time, to get though this. Then we can move on hopefully, there is a time for every-thin, In its right place.
As you have peddled with me to respect your wishes over e-mailing, and I have, I do-not expect any more at all. I would like to sort this out, So please just this once. If your not allowed for any reason, I promise you, I will never bother you again. Hope to have two words from you. Or just two letters, Y…for yes…or N for no. Then I will
make a time that suits. Bye.” -last email from my motherinlaw. she has not been respecting our wishes about sending nasty emails as we have been recieving them the last 3 years. we have been trying to sort out this situation forever not sure how skyping with him alone “just this one time” will make everything better. she always says stuff like “i will never bother you again” then we get another unpleasant email from her a month later etc.

My husband honestly doesn’t want to talk to his mom on his own because when he met up with her 3 times alone this past christmas no good came from it and his mom was just flat out abusive. Plus he thinks we’ve been married a few years why does he have to ask me to leave the room or go upstairs and close the door? She refuses to talk when i’m around though?

Do you think he should talk to her alone or just say “Hey mom if you would like to chat my wife will be here too sorry”. Then she won’t chat with us and that’s that.

Sorry for the long jumbled post but it’s a difficult situation. We’re just trying to be christ like. Her negativity and nastiness used to get to me but now I just feel sorry she has practically ruined her relationship with her son and might not be able to have a relationship with her grandson (and me) because her pride is holding her back. I don’t hold grudges and I easily forgive and move on but if it repeatedly happens over and over again I can’t continue to put up with abuse.
 
This sounds very unfortunate and tough for you. However, I’m not sure I understand the problem with your husband and his mum skyping one-on-one. I’m not sure why you’d even want to be involved in that.

Your husband seems to have your back. So why not let him deal with his mum without involving you? Frankly, I’d imagine most people would much prefer this approach anyway.
 
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. My husband doesn’t want to talk to his mom alone because everytime in the past he has spoken to her it has been unpleasant and she has been abusive. He thinks if I’m there then she wouldn’t be as harsh but she won’t talk if i’m there. It’s been like this for a few years. I guess it’s just a repetitive process going no where 🤷 Also like I mentioned above he thinks it’s silly to continuously talk to her in private (all these years) when it has to do with me as well… I’ll keep praying about the situation!
 
I have in-law problems too. Thank goodness your husband can see what his mother is doing to you. I think that if he wants to continue to have a relationship with his mom, he should Skype her privately. Wouldn’t you rather be out of the room and not have to hear her anyway? When it does come to visiting, etc…I would put up boundaries that she needs to stay elsewhere. After all, your child should not have to witness her abuse toward you.
 
I’m just trying to understand it from my husband’s point of view. He wants me to be there too but he knows his mom won’t talk to him if i’m there. So he either talks to her in private which he doesn’t want to do or says he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her alone. 🤷
 
Thanks DoxieMama! My husband knows my motherinlaw is going to be very offended if she isn’t allowed to stay here and will probably never visit if she isn’t allowed to. This is why she didn’t come to our wedding. Because we didn’t want her to stay with me and my parents who had extra room because of how she treated me. She doesn’t understand how she is acting even though he tries to repeatedly explain it to her. I guess there is only so much he can do. 🤷
 
You’re welcome! I love these forums. The support is amazing.

I’m wondering if your motherinlaw does realize how she treats you, but maybe doesn’t care? Unless she’s not right in the mind and is truly clueless, but it doesn’t sound like it.
 
If your husband wants you present for the skype,and you agree, he should let her know this is the way it has to be. It is her decision whether or not this happens.

Has the baptism taken place yet? Perhaps this is a time that you can all get together afterwards to clear the air. I would suggest this too. Your husband can make arrangements for her at a nearby hotel.She may use the skype as another reason not to come though.

Always be kind, but don’t let her manipulate you. I believe God will give you and your husband the grace to deal with her.
 
First of all, it’s not you.
It’s her. She would have felt this way about anyone in her son’s life. Get that straight.
She’s HIS mom. Let him deal with it…and support him if he wants to have less contact.
Neither of you should tolerate this behavior, but you don’t need to feed it either by arguing with her.
Be as patient and as kind as you can be. She’s got real problems. Ones that neither of you can solve, but they don’t have to become YOUR problems.

She knows she’s upsetting you both. She doesn’t care. I suspect this need of hers to cause drama is a symptom of her need for attention and control.
Don’t give in. He can have a cordial and respectful relationship with his mother…at a distance. Making excuses and provisions will just give her ammo.
Pray for her. God indeed will give you strength to handle it. Ask your guardian angel to stand between you and her when she’s around. Be at peace. She needs prayers.
 
It takes two to have a relationship and she is not cooperating. Perhaps he could send her some of her abusive emails and say, this is the behavior causing a problem between us.

Then say he wants to have a relationship with her, but he is married and will not listen to negatives comments about his wife.

And then as soon as your MIL makes a negative comment about you, he tells her that is unacceptable *and hangs up. *

After a few times of this, it will become clear to your MIL that either she can behave like a decent human being and have a relationship with he son, or not. Her choice.

OTOH, your husband may decide that your MIL has already made her choice and not bother trying.

If she is unwilling to refrain from abusive and catty remarks (yeah, I noticed that bit: “If you’re not allowed…”), then it may be that there will be no relationship, but again, that is *her *decision.

There seems to be nothing that your or your husband can do to have a good relationship with her. That is sad, but not the fault of you or your husband, given what you have written here.
 
My spouse never wants to be within hearing distance of my phone conversations with other people. If he wants to talk to those people then he would call them up and talk to them himself. He also would not want to be used as a ‘buffer’ for toxic people on the other line. Not because he’s being insensitive but because throwing bad boundaries after bad boundaries isn’t a solution. He would expect me to end the conversation the moment it gets out of hand and be upfront about it. If I were getting harassed verbally then we’d take the next step to blocking and later towards a no contact letter from a lawyer.

You both need to understand that neither one of you are going to change nor are responsible for your MILs behavior. The ONLY behavior you can modify is your own. He needs to be upfront if he wants to talk with her. “I’ll skype with you but the second you start being disrespectful I am hanging up and will not have further communication until I receive a sincere apology.” If it happens again then he’ll just need to hang up and not expect an apology that is useful, then delay communication for a prolonged period of time.

You can’t reason with her to get her to act the way you want, you can only put boundaries up and stick with them. Also, if you are being his buffer you will not be helping him stand up for himself.
 
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