Family members asking for personal information

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isidora99

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Is it normal or ok that my mother and MIL ask me personal and medical questions about myself and my children? I’m a very private person by nature, and tend to recoil at being asked things like “Did the midwife check your cervix?”, or even “Is little Joey pottytraining yet?”. I feel like they are not entitled to know every detail about us, and should not ask me for more information than I willingly volunteer. Yet I would feel rude saying things like, “I will tell you any test results that are relevant for you to know.” I usually just smile and politely say “No/I don’t know/everything is fine”… but that’s lying :(. On the other hand, if I answer their questions, they’ll keep asking more. I know they mean well, and I don’t want to shut them out, but I’m not particularly close to either of them, and just don’t feel comfortable sharing that much detail.

Am I being selfish/trivial/petty? I know that this is nothing compared to some of the family situations people post here, but would still appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut, especially from other mothers, and grandmothers who have good relationships with their daughters/DILs.
 
I don’t consider anyone asking if a child is toilet trained yet particularly personal, so wouldn’t worry me, and probably either would the other questions. As a Mother and MIL I have and do ask my children and children in law all sorts of personal questions, including has the midwife checked your cervix, but then my kids are very open and tell me far more than I want to know most of the time.Though, if it bothers you, just tell them, but perhaps pick your battles, they are only asking because they are interested, it would be worse if they weren’t.
 
First of all, no you are not sinning by giving vague answers to very personal questions. To be frank, it’s no one’s business except you, your dh, doctor and anyone else you wish to know. We don’t have to give away more information than people have the right to know–ever.

I think you are handling it just fine. Just continue to be polite and answer as you have been doing. In time, they’ll get the hint and stop asking. Relatives can be overly intrusive, so it’s up to you to set the boundaries, not them. 😉
 
Everyone is correct in that it is none of their business and they are out of line for asking.

But…let’s try to be understanding and look at it from their point of view. You’re carrying your MIL’s grandchild, you are raising her grandchild, and she loves her son, grandchildren, and you. She is every bit as much family to your kids as your own mother is. And chances are, because you feel more comfortable with your own mom you are more open with her, tell her more about your pregnancy and child rearing, and in general include her just a bit more, even if you don’t mean to. It’s natural, after all, she’s your mother, and as you’re becoming a mother you need her. Mothers of sons are in a difficult position because they are just as close to the children, but not to the children’s mother. They probably just want to feel included and like they are being kept up to date.

So while technically they are wrong and nosing in to your personal body and family stuff at least try to be understanding and maybe give them more information, even if it makes you uncomfortable. They just don’t want to be left out of the family.
 
It’s not personal a question to ask if a child is potty-training yet–if either grandma spends enough time with the child, the answer will be obvious. Also, if either grandma is going to find herself in charge of the child for any period of time, she has to know if the kid is diapered or not.

On the other hand, volunteering ideas as to when the child should potty-train might well be intrusive.

The cervix question is pretty personal, but understandable. It’s the grandma version of kids on long car trips asking “are we there yet?”
 
Xantippe said:
It’s not personal a question to ask if a child is potty-training yet–if either grandma spends enough time with the child, the answer will be obvious. Also, if either grandma is going to find herself in charge of the child for any period of time, she has to know if the kid is diapered or not.

On the other hand, volunteering ideas as to when the child should potty-train might well be intrusive.

The cervix question is pretty personal, but understandable. It’s the grandma version of kids on long car trips asking “are we there yet?”
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This makes sense.

I don’t see potty training as personal. Sorry, most of the time you can tell just by looking at the child. Do they still have a diaper bottom? If yes, they aren’t potty trained yet, if no, they are.

This isn’t wanting to know every detail of someone’s life.

The cervix question is kind of personal. Unless, you aren’t talking at all about when you are due or how things are going. She most likely only wants to know if “we are almost there.”
 
I thought they were asking for your social security number to commit identity fraud!

Is there any other reason, apart from being private by nature, that you wish to avoid answering these questions? Do you have a reason for not trusting these women with the information they ask for?

From my computer screen, I see two family members who are trying to take an active interest in your life and are asking questions about the things you are dealing with (raising a toddler/preschooler and expecting again). Generally speaking, some mothers are keenly interested in child development, pregnancy and birth, and love to chat over the details. Specifically, these two women asking are your closest family outside your front door and they are trying to take an interest in you and yours. So I would try to relax about the questions, but if they still bother you, you should find a way to say to your mom,

Either
'Why do you ask?" so you can decide if you want to share

or

"Mom, I know this is my thing but I hate sharing details from doctor’s appointments and the bathroom. So please understand if I don’t want to answer. I understand you’re curious, I just can’t go there. Thanks.

I think these women would understand if you let them know that you consider that private info.
 
I personally don’t find either of those questions too personal for family members to ask, but to each his or her own, right? 😉 I’m not really sure what to tell you especially about the potty training question because, really, I don’t see how that would be considered too personal. But I pray God gives you the right words to say when the time comes!
 
isidora99 said:
Is it normal or ok that my mother and MIL ask me personal and medical questions about myself and my children? I’m a very private person by nature, and tend to recoil at being asked things like “Did the midwife check your cervix?”, or even “Is little Joey pottytraining yet?”. I feel like they are not entitled to know every detail about us, and should not ask me for more information than I willingly volunteer. Yet I would feel rude saying things like, “I will tell you any test results that are relevant for you to know.” I usually just smile and politely say “No/I don’t know/everything is fine”… but that’s lying :(. On the other hand, if I answer their questions, they’ll keep asking more. I know they mean well, and I don’t want to shut them out, but I’m not particularly close to either of them, and just don’t feel comfortable sharing that much detail.

Am I being selfish/trivial/petty? I know that this is nothing compared to some of the family situations people post here, but would still appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut, especially from other mothers, and grandmothers who have good relationships with their daughters/DILs.
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Just smile and say, “thanks for your concern but I am not comfortable answering this right now” That is honest and direct. when you stop answering things you consider noisy this way, they hopefully will get it and stop asking. If they persist after you state not now, just say honestly that you appreciate their concern but some things are private to you. Questions about potty training can be irritating if you are currently trying and not succeeding with your little one.
 
When peoples questions get personal I just respond: “If you are writing a book leave that chapter out”. then change the subject.
 
Ellyakamommy said:
I thought they were asking for your social security number to commit identity fraud!
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I have to admit, I thought the same thing. I figured it was either asking about stuff like her social security number or stuff about her sex life. 🤷

I just don’t see asking if a grandchild has started potty training as being personal information.
 
My MIL asks far more than I care for her (or my mom!) to know.

I usually try to guess the reason, and respond appropriately.

“We’ll let you know if labor seems immienent!” “I’m just sick- staying in bed and resting. I’ll let you know if anything serious develops” etc and CHANGE THE SUBJECT! haha!

As far as children, I, too, don’t consider potty-training personal. If the kids are sick or somesuch, I don’t share beyond general details- as a fever, ate something bad, etc. Often I’ll respond with a question (they want to show their concern- so ASK for HELP, if you need it or not!). What do you find most effective when yours had a fever? How did you handle the sick-clingy child? etc.
 
“Generally speaking, some mothers are keenly interested in child development, pregnancy and birth, and love to chat over the details.”

Oh, yes. A few months ago I had just gone public with a pregnancy and I was at a potluck talking to another mom who had recently also had her third baby. She asked me (in quick succession) if my previous deliveries had been vaginal and whether the current pregnancy was planned. I personally would never, ever in a million years ask those particular questions, but people do ask, so you need to have an answer ready to go that you’re comfortable using.

The other over-the-line question that one hears occasionally is, “So is this your last one?” My cleaning lady asked me that last week.

Neither of these people meant it unkindly (quite the reverse). It’s just that their conversational comfort zone is different than mine.
 
Everyone has their own comfort level. If you don’t like the questions, come up with a charitable way to respond. Sometimes sounding like a broken record works; come up with a set, generic answer and use it all the time.

“We’re doing great, thanks!” and change the subject.
 
I like using an exasperated sounding “well don’t get me started own that!” It’s very effective at ending questions you don’t want to answer.
 
Honestly, I am a bit shocked that some people don’t find these questions way too intrusive. I don’t care how closely related you are to someone asking ‘Has your cervix been checked’:eek: That is totally way over the top!!!

Yeah my heart bleeds for the MIL because she is not as close to the mom of her children but…sometimes life is not fair and she has no business asking.

Now as for the potty training. If either of the grandmothers need to care for the children, of course they need to know. However, if they are making conversation… as much as it may not be offensive, I still think the OP has the right to say ‘I prefer not to talk about this’. Some kids are not potty trained until they are three. And a LOT of three year olds are old enough to have some understanding and desire for privacy. And I think that desire for privacy in a three year old should be respected.

For example, I can remember going to my neighbours and her grandson was over and he just started wearing pull ups. The Grandmother was SO proud of the grandson, she told him to show me his pull up and of course the kid blushed. I can TOTALLY understand a mom not talking about a kids potty training experience out of respect for her child

CM
 
cmscms said:
Honestly, I am a bit shocked that some people don’t find these questions way too intrusive. I don’t care how closely related you are to someone asking ‘Has your cervix been checked’:eek: That is totally way over the top!!!

Yeah my heart bleeds for the MIL because she is not as close to the mom of her children but…sometimes life is not fair and she has no business asking.

Now as for the potty training. If either of the grandmothers need to care for the children, of course they need to know. However, if they are making conversation… as much as it may not be offensive, I still think the OP has the right to say ‘I prefer not to talk about this’. Some kids are not potty trained until they are three. And a LOT of three year olds are old enough to have some understanding and desire for privacy. And I think that desire for privacy in a three year old should be respected.

For example, I can remember going to my neighbours and her grandson was over and he just started wearing pull ups. The Grandmother was SO proud of the grandson, she told him to show me his pull up and of course the kid blushed. I can TOTALLY understand a mom not talking about a kids potty training experience out of respect for her child

CM
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I thought the same thing but I tried to give suggestions or role playing ideas into answering noisy questions. With adopted children that don’t exactly look like me, I understand about fending off intrusive questions such as “are those your kids” or “are they siblings?” Such things are none of anyone’s business. One time some clerk behind a sales counter asked us if the kids were siblings. My husband answered, “aren’t we all brothers and sisters in Christ?” she said “oh yea” and then shut up.
 
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