Family Moral Issue

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Ducky63

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Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I was driven to ask a question.

I have an adult (27) son who has had a myriad of problems; the biggest being he’s an alcoholic and by 25 had 3 bouts of pancreatitis. The last bout left him in ICU for 1 month and almost killed him. He has since stopped drinking.

He has 3 children that I know of. One is living in another state with his mom (I found out of his existence when the mom came knocking on my door with a baby) One, I’m not supposed to know about and lives across the country.

My son is trying very hard with the mom of the 3rd child and they are living with her family in a very rural area where they will not be able to get ahead.

My husband and I invited them to live with us where they can have access to a plethora of jobs. They are eager to come live here.

In the past they have visited with her 3 year old son (he’s a delight and I love him like he was my grandchild) and we have made them sleep in separate rooms.

Yesterday, I called my son and told him that they will have to continue to sleep separately, in my home. Unless they get married. He blew up at me telling me that they want to wait to get married until they have enough money for a nice wedding.

I have a 13 year old and a 17 year old at home and I feel like I cannot let expose them to an unmarried couple living together in the guise of a family. It just sends the absolute, wrong message to my teens.

My teens think that I am overreacting and that I should let them live as a couple in our home.

I am desperate for some sound advice as I’d love to have them with us.
 
Ducky63 said:
Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I was driven to ask a question.

I have an adult (27) son who has had a myriad of problems; the biggest being he’s an alcoholic and by 25 had 3 bouts of pancreatitis. The last bout left him in ICU for 1 month and almost killed him. He has since stopped drinking.

He has 3 children that I know of. One is living in another state with his mom (I found out of his existence when the mom came knocking on my door with a baby) One, I’m not supposed to know about and lives across the country.

My son is trying very hard with the mom of the 3rd child and they are living with her family in a very rural area where they will not be able to get ahead.

My husband and I invited them to live with us where they can have access to a plethora of jobs. They are eager to come live here.

In the past they have visited with her 3 year old son (he’s a delight and I love him like he was my grandchild) and we have made them sleep in separate rooms.

Yesterday, I called my son and told him that they will have to continue to sleep separately, in my home. Unless they get married. He blew up at me telling me that they want to wait to get married until they have enough money for a nice wedding.

I have a 13 year old and a 17 year old at home and I feel like I cannot let expose them to an unmarried couple living together in the guise of a family. It just sends the absolute, wrong message to my teens.

My teens think that I am overreacting and that I should let them live as a couple in our home.

I am desperate for some sound advice as I’d love to have them with us.
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Why?

If he were not your son, would you want to bring a person with his particular set of issues into daily contact with your 13-year-old and 17-year-old at home?

Figure out some way to help him that doesn’t involve all of you living together. If you move him in and then it’s a disaster and you have to boot him, his girlfriend and his kid (!) out, that’s a much bigger mess than if you choose some sort of help that can be stopped without so much drama.

If the 13-year-old and 17-year-old give you grief, I think it’s very fair to say something like, “Kids, by the time you are 27 and parents, I expect you to be able to take care of your own family.”

Make sure that whatever help you give your 27-year-old son is conditional on good behavior on his part. Having him and his girlfriend go to a personal finance class (for instance Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) might be a very good idea. In your shoes, I might be willing to offer $100 for each lesson that he and his girlfriend attend (that would add up to $900 total). On an hourly basis, even for the two of them, that’s pretty good money. Be looking for good things that he can do that you can pay him for. If he wants the money, great! It’s there. If he doesn’t want the money, no problem!

Oh, and feel free to inform your Prodigal that you know about the other kids he has. That’s a secret that I don’t see a lot of point in keeping.
 
You are correct to not have a unmarried couple in your house living as if they were married. I know it is tough because you want to help your son etc., but you are setting a very good example for your teens, who have been bombarded with society saying it isn’t a big deal for unmarried couples to live as if they were married.
Your kids will notice and remember the stance you are taking, even if at this time they what they say does not reflect that they are learning from your example.
 
OK, the advice I’m going to give is let them be.

You describe that where they live now they will not “be able to get ahead”. You are imposing your ideas of success and how things “ought to” be.

I would suggest letting them make their own decisions and stay where they are. If they want to move to where you are, let them initiate it.

I understand you care about your son and want him to have a great future. This is a good thing. But, don’t superimpose your expectations on him.
 
Thank you for the varied and useful advice. I am taking everything said into consideration.

I don’t think I am placing my expectations on him. He mentioned to me that he’d like to move to a place where he had more opportunity.

I think some of my issue is that I would love to be close to my grandchild and have some sort of positive impact on her life.

I realize after typing the above, that I am trying to impose my idea of what a good life is, on my son. I so want for him to be successful and to not get so frustrated that he start drinking again.

I guess what I thought was a generous offer was more me trying to control and contain his immorality
 
I think I misread the letter initially, thinking there’s just one 3-year-old that’s theirs. Reading it over again, I see that there’s both her 3-year-old and their younger child (infant or young toddler?).
 
Ducky63 said:
Thank you for the varied and useful advice. I am taking everything said into consideration.

I don’t think I am placing my expectations on him. He mentioned to me that he’d like to move to a place where he had more opportunity.

I think some of my issue is that I would love to be close to my grandchild and have some sort of positive impact on her life.

I realize after typing the above, that I am trying to impose my idea of what a good life is, on my son. I so want for him to be successful and to not get so frustrated that he start drinking again.

I guess what I thought was a generous offer was more me trying to control and contain his immorality
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He could easily start drinking again from the stress of living under your roof.
 
Xantippe said:
I think I misread the letter initially, thinking there’s just one 3-year-old that’s theirs. Reading it over again, I see that there’s both her 3-year-old and their younger child (infant or young toddler?).
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There is a 3 year old (not his child) and an infant
 
It would probably not be wise to bring them into your home, and would certainly not be setting a good example for your younger children. You could help them to move to you area, help them find a job, if they wanted to.
 
I think your plan is fine. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to let him know that under your roof, you expect him to follow your rules (and lay out some other rules, like they pay you rent when they are working, no babysitting, they help around the house (specify), etc.)

If you offer a deal that can help them, and they turn it down, that’s their problem; you have done what you can.

Separate bedrooms is a very reasonable rule. Your other children are children and of course they will be immature in their reaction! So you just say it’s not their decision to make, and under your roof, your rules apply. Do not allow them to continue a discussion with you on that unless they are paying for the mortgage, the utilities, the food… yeah, right.

As tk the marital situation: they can marry in a small ceremony that does not cost much, and then in a year or two when they have the money, they can renew their vows and throw a party. Waiting til they can have a party to get married is silly.

Do not push this–offer it as an idea and the drop it. It won’t be good for anyone if they marry under pressure only to divorce down the road. Just have your rule, and let them decide what to do.
 
St_Francis said:
I think your plan is fine. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to let him know that under your roof, you expect him to follow your rules (and lay out some other rules, like they pay you rent when they are working, no babysitting, they help around the house (specify), etc.)

If you offer a deal that can help them, and they turn it down, that’s their problem; you have done what you can.

Separate bedrooms is a very reasonable rule. Your other children are children and of course they will be immature in their reaction! So you just say it’s not their decision to make, and under your roof, your rules apply. Do not allow them to continue a discussion with you on that unless they are paying for the mortgage, the utilities, the food… yeah, right.

As tk the marital situation: they can marry in a small ceremony that does not cost much, and then in a year or two when they have the money, they can renew their vows and throw a party. Waiting til they can have a party to get married is silly.

Do not push this–offer it as an idea and the drop it. It won’t be good for anyone if they marry under pressure only to divorce down the road. Just have your rule, and let them decide what to do.
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Thank you for the advice. I will stick to my guns. Though it breaks my heart not to be able to meet them where they are. I know that I have so much more responsibility to my other children in their teenage years than I have to him, as an adult.

Thanks again all.
 
St_Francis said:
Waiting til they can have a party to get married is silly.
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This **may **simply be their way of trying to kick the issue down the road and not further upset Mom. It is possible they have no intention of marrying. By throwing up reasons they “can’t” get married now, they are hoping Mom will drop it.
 
1ke said:
This **may **simply be their way of trying to kick the issue down the road and not further upset Mom. It is possible they have no intention of marrying. By throwing up reasons they “can’t” get married now, they are hoping Mom will drop it.
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Right.

If they wanted to be married, they would be married.
 
Ducky63 said:
Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I was driven to ask a question.

I have an adult (27) son who has had a myriad of problems; the biggest being he’s an alcoholic and by 25 had 3 bouts of pancreatitis. The last bout left him in ICU for 1 month and almost killed him. He has since stopped drinking.

He has 3 children that I know of. One is living in another state with his mom (I found out of his existence when the mom came knocking on my door with a baby) One, I’m not supposed to know about and lives across the country.

My son is trying very hard with the mom of the 3rd child and they are living with her family in a very rural area where they will not be able to get ahead.

My husband and I invited them to live with us where they can have access to a plethora of jobs. They are eager to come live here.

In the past they have visited with her 3 year old son (he’s a delight and I love him like he was my grandchild)Good because he is. So are the others. and we have made them sleep in separate rooms.

Yesterday, I called my son and told him that they will have to continue to sleep separately, in my home. yes Unless they get married. He blew up at me telling me that they want to wait to get married until they have enough money for a nice wedding. That is not the point of a marraige

I have a 13 year old and a 17 year old at home and I feel like I cannot let expose them to an unmarried couple living together in the guise of a family. It just sends the absolute, wrong message to my teens.

My teens think that I am overreacting and that I should let them live as a couple in our home.

I am desperate for some sound advice as I’d love to have them with us.
Click to expand...
Ok. I don’t want to be too harsh because you dont post often. So please see my post in the best possible light. I am sorry that your eldest has turned out like he has. That he blew up at this issue of someone trying to help him with a condition would suggest to me that he is still drinking.

And any parent could end up with the prodigal son. But something you might want to address is that your other children do not share your views about living together. So you can see that there is still some work to do with the younger ones to show them that we need to be against what the world is telling us is normal in this situation.

Under no circumstances should your elder boy live with you and this other woman. Even if they are married. But I can only imagine how hard it would be and how helpless you would feel in this situation. My heart goes out to you as a parent.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Ok. I don’t want to be too harsh because you dont post often. So please see my post in the best possible light. I am sorry that your eldest has turned out like he has. That he blew up at this issue of someone trying to help him with a condition would suggest to me that he is still drinking.

And any parent could end up with the prodigal son. But something you might want to address is that your other children do not share your views about living together. So you can see that there is still some work to do with the younger ones to show them that we need to be against what the world is telling us is normal in this situation.

Under no circumstances should your elder boy live with you and this other woman. Even if they are married. But I can only imagine how hard it would be and how helpless you would feel in this situation. My heart goes out to you as a parent.
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I don’t think my two youngest so much think it’s alright for them to live together as they want to have access to their new niece. And you are right. They need to know, without a doubt, where mom and dad stand on the issue.

I can see now, after reading all these responses, that this would be a bad deal, no matter what their marital status.

Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut
 
With due respect, I think them living with you is a bad idea, and not for the reasons discussed. Instead, I’d offer this: if they move in, you may find them impossible to get rid of.

I can foresee this becoming a situation where you just enable them. I would support them…but not invite them in.

As to the kids’ access to their new family: don’t make family decisions based on the whims of children, particularly where the novelty will wear off quickly.
 
My two cents – at the point where a couple has children together, asking them to stay in separate rooms for appearances’ sake is silly.

Your other kids know that they’ve lived together and that they’ve had (most likely still are having) sex. They know you disapprove even if you acquiesce because you’ve had that discussion already. And from a practical standpoint, sleeping in separate rooms will make caring for an infant even harder than it already is.

Also, the 3-year-old will most likely be upset to learn her parents aren’t sleeping in the same room anymore. She will probably interpret this on some level as a problem with their relationship (kids intuit more than you think) and that will add extra stress to the already stressful situation of moving into a new home and learning new routines.

Either help them get their own place or let them stay together at your place. For the time being at least they are a family, and it’s not right to break up a family like that.
 
Just curious – If they went down to the courthouse and got a civil marriage, would you let them live together then? Or would you only let them share a bedroom if they had a valid Catholic marriage?
 
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