Family planning struggles

[Maree]

I was just after words of wisdom on how to handle my family planning struggles.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years (to each other ) and have 8 children. We have used NFP before conceiving the last three and despite our best efforts to follow the rules and avoid pregnancy we have conceived anyway. We love all our children to bits, and were never attempting to avoid having more kids just avoid pregnancy because I am miserable and in pain when I am pregnant. After falling pregnant last time we really gave up on NFP because it just doesn’t seem to work for us. Since the birth of our youngest 12 months ago we have abstained altogether for fear of another pregnancy. We are not willing to use ABC, but at the moment abstinence is placing a huge burden on our marriage.

It seems that we cannot come to a solution that we are happy with. If we use NFP there is a big chance that I will fall pregnant again (at 42). We already have one child with Down syndrome so the chances of another one are increased. Also I feel like my older kids have spent most of their lives with me grumpy and in pain. (no way to grow up). If we use ABC the strain on our faith and relationship with the church would be unbearable. If we abstain it could be for years (my mother didn’t go through menopause till 53) and even in the teaching of the church and the bible abstaining for that long is immoral and placing to much of a burden on our marriage (as well as avoiding something that was designed for the sanctification of our marriage). There doesn’t seem to be any good solution.

At the moment I feel like the church has placed a burden on our shoulders that is too heavy to bare.

 

[bear06]

Maree:

I was just after words of wisdom on how to handle my family planning struggles.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years (to each other ) and have 8 children. We have used NFP before conceiving the last three and despite our best efforts to follow the rules and avoid pregnancy we have conceived anyway. We love all our children to bits, and were never attempting to avoid having more kids just avoid pregnancy because I am miserable and in pain when I am pregnant. After falling pregnant last time we really gave up on NFP because it just doesn’t seem to work for us. Since the birth of our youngest 12 months ago we have abstained altogether for fear of another pregnancy. We are not willing to use ABC, but at the moment abstinence is placing a huge burden on our marriage.

It seems that we cannot come to a solution that we are happy with. If we use NFP there is a big chance that I will fall pregnant again (at 42). We already have one child with Down syndrome so the chances of another one are increased. Also I feel like my older kids have spent most of their lives with me grumpy and in pain. (no way to grow up). If we use ABC the strain on our faith and relationship with the church would be unbearable. If we abstain it could be for years (my mother didn’t go through menopause till 53) and even in the teaching of the church and the bible abstaining for that long is immoral and placing to much of a burden on our marriage (as well as avoiding something that was designed for the sanctification of our marriage). There doesn’t seem to be any good solution.

At the moment I feel like the church has placed a burden on our shoulders that is too heavy to bare.

What NFP method are you using? Also, do you have a doctor who is helping you? Some try using the Billings method. That worked just fine for me one time but not the next time I had to use NFP.

That said, I believe that if you feel the need to totally abstain, this decision should be made with permission from a spiritual director. Total abstension in and of itself is not immoral. St. Therese’s parents lived “as brother and sister” for awhile (years, I think) with permission. I’m sure, if done right, it could actually be a blessing on a marriage. You’re correct to fear ABC. It won’t just put a strain on your relationship with the Church, it will put a strain on your relationship period. Sometimes our path to heaven is very hard but we’ve been assured by many saints that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. I completely understand how hard tough pregnancies can be on a family and a marriage. I’m on my 8th tough one. My mantra is “It’s not forever. It’s not forever.” In reality, while my kids have suffered at time from the “mom’s grumpy syndrom”, it’s not forever for them either. They somehow still get excited when we tell them we’re having another one. Our in between pregnancy time must make up for it all! Many prayers!

 

[Maree]

We’re not using any NFP at the moment, just abstinence. I have just signed up for a Billings course online, but my husband is not willing to take the risk. As for spiritual direction, there are no priests living near me whose spiritual opinion I would trust. (sad but true) We are a long way from the nearest city so priests are few and far between. Thanks for your prayers.

 

[Lorarose]

At the moment I feel like the church has placed a burden on our shoulders that is too heavy to bare.

I feel that way often too - for similar reasons as yours.
I tell myself that it isn’t like the Church is intentionally placing burdens on people. The Church is doing its very best to present spiritual truth to the world.

I often wonder, however, how healthy it is to place a “one size fits all” rule on the issue of sexuality within marriage.
There are situations out there that make it extremely difficult to practice NFP, and total abstinence does not seem like a reasonable solution to the problem.
And for now - people that find themselves in this situation will get offered as many “solutions” as the number of people they seek guidance from.
I have sought the counsel of many priests - and each one gave me different advise.
And no matter what advise someone gives you - someone else will counter it as being “bad” for one reason or another.
It is maddening.

So…I won’t offer advise - because I’m slowly coming to the conclusion there are situations out there where the priests really DON’T KNOW the answer.
I just want you to know you’re not the only one.
God bless all your little ones and I pray this pregnancy and childbirth will go easy on you.

 

[1ke]

I would definitely look at a different method of NFP. I use Creighton. Using the most conservative rules (post ovulation only) would still give you more days than the “zero” you now have. Honestly Creighton is SO much easier than the other methods I looked at.

Have you been able to review your charts with an instructor to see why the pregnancies occurred when you were avoiding? Do you see where the error was in the chart, the interpretation, etc… or are they the 0.1% unexplained?

 

[KCT]

Perhaps this has been suggested . . . can you follow the MOST conservative rules of NFP? Wait until Phase 3 is firmly established before resuming relations? Still difficult, but at least you won’t have to constantly abstain. --KCT

 

[Maree]

I think we fall into the small percentage for whom it all just doesn’t work. Last pregnancy we were only using the last few days of the cycle to be “absolutely sure”. I had been having 28 day anovulatory cycles and so we waited and waited to be sure that ovulation was not going to take place and then used day 24- I ovulated on day26!!!

Another question for you all.

If we believe that faithful non Catholic christians can go to heaven and THEY use ABC, how can it be that God would have different standards for Catholics than for everyone else? Maybe I should just become an Anglican (exept that I couldn’t bare life without the Eucharist).

 

[Celia]

I think the STM has special rules for women that experience- what is it called -I think double ovulation or something. When you ovulate more than once in a cycle.

However, I’ve heard that Creighton is the best method for middle aged women, but in your case, I’d maybe contact an NFP professional at ccli or something to check.

Maree, in regards to your last question, protestants don’t understand or don’t know the truth about the evils of contraception. When you and I are privileged to know such things, we must not turn our backs on the truth. Put another way, it would be like saying, “yeah, I know it’s wrong God, but if they can do it, why can’t I?” Because we know as Catholics that it is wrong. That is our privilege and our cross to bear at times. Believe me, you’re not alone in your frustration. This is something I have to remind myself at times.

God bless.

 

[bear06]

Maree:

I think we fall into the small percentage for whom it all just doesn’t work. Last pregnancy we were only using the last few days of the cycle to be “absolutely sure”. I had been having 28 day anovulatory cycles and so we waited and waited to be sure that ovulation was not going to take place and then used day 24- I ovulated on day26!!!

Another question for you all.

If we believe that faithful non Catholic christians can go to heaven and THEY use ABC, how can it be that God would have different standards for Catholics than for everyone else? Maybe I should just become an Anglican (exept that I couldn’t bare life without the Eucharist).

It really sounds like you are using the wrong method. A good NFP method doesn’t simply rely on the days in the cycle, it relys on symptoms. Billings is good but you might want to look into Creighton since it uses additional symptoms. This was my problem in the last cycle I had. I was only using mucous symptoms and they happened to be sketchy last month. So, when I bought the pregnancy test, I finally got a basal thermometer. Yes, a little late in the game but if I need to use NFP again, I’ll have it ready! I had actually planned to start charting temperature to but was being lazy and didn’t get around to it.

Actually, we believe that you must be Catholic to enter heaven. Invincible ignorance wouldn’t apply to you. You know the Truth.

 

[Maree]

bear06:

Actually, we believe that you must be Catholic to enter heaven.

“The universality of salvation means that it is granted not only to those who explcitly believe in Christ and have entered the Church.”
Redemptoris Missio,10.

 

[bear06]

“The universality of salvation means that it is granted not only to those who explcitly believe in Christ and have entered the Church.”
Redemptoris Missio,10.

That doesn’t change my statement.
catholic.com/library/Salvation_Outside_the_Church.asp

You need to look at your quote in the full context too.

1. The universality of salvation means that it is granted not only to those who explicitly believe in Christ and have entered the Church. Since salvation is offered to all, it must be made concretely available to all. But it is clear that today, as in the past, many people do not have an opportunity to come to know or accept the gospel revelation or to enter the Church. The social and cultural conditions in which they live do not permit this, and frequently they have been brought up in other religious traditions. For such people salvation in Christ is accessible by virtue of a grace which, while having a mysterious relationship to the Church, does not make them formally part of the Church but enlightens them in a way which is accommodated to their spiritual and material situation. This grace comes from Christ; it is the result of his Sacrifice and is communicated by the Holy Spirit. It enables each person to attain salvation through his or her free cooperation.

Once again, you and I don’t have the luxury of invincible ignorance in the instance of ABC.

 

[1ke]

Maree:

I think we fall into the small percentage for whom it all just doesn’t work. Last pregnancy we were only using the last few days of the cycle to be “absolutely sure”. I had been having 28 day anovulatory cycles and so we waited and waited to be sure that ovulation was not going to take place and then used day 24- I ovulated on day26!!!

Again, I highly recommend looking at other methods of NFP, specifically the mucus methods which are much more standardized with respect to mucus observation and might have had different charting results.

Maree:

If we believe that faithful non Catholic christians can go to heaven

It is possible only through the grace and mercy of God. It is certainly in no way guaranteed.

Maree:

and THEY use ABC, how can it be that God would have different standards for Catholics than for everyone else?

The standard is the same for everyone. God holds us accountable for what we know and what we do with that knowledge.* You can’t not know what you already know.* You know it’s a sin, you can’t pretend it isn’t. God may be merciful to those who don’t know it’s a sin. He may not. We don’t really know what he does. We know it’s a grave sin, we know it’s disordered, and we know even if people don’t know it’s wrong it has a nonetheless real impact on their marriages and their souls.

Maree:

Maybe I should just become an Anglican (exept that I couldn’t bare life without the Eucharist).

I certainly hope you jest. You cannot un-know what you already know. And you know the Catholic Church teaches the truth and the Episcopal/Anglican church does not.