Family Portrait with Live-Ins

[The_Wife]

Very recently we took family portraits with our extended family. My brother in law was living with his fiance, (no wedding date and had been engaged and living together for over a year.) The now EX live-in stands prominently directly in the center of this extended family portrait.

At the time, didn’t think it was a good idea to have her in every family pictures. I didn’t say anything because I like her and didn’t want to make her feel bad or cause a big fuss, but **it was suppose to be a family portrait. ** If my husband’s brother wanted his live in to be part of the family, he should have MARRIED her. The fact that he wouldn’t marry his fiance is a big reason why she moved out.

Another family member and I arranged to have these picture taken for my mother and father in law. They were celebrating a special wedding anniversary. My mother in law doesn’t even want to get the larger portrait of the whole family anymore, only the picture with her husband and her children.

Looking at the proofs, I wish someone had at least suggested to the photographer a different arrangement of people. The woman who my brother-in-law wouldn’t marry stands directly next to his parents as they celebrate an anniversary of their marriage. How ironic.

I wanted to write this to make others aware that if you take extended family portraits, ask the live-ins to step out for a shot or two. At a minimum, ask them not to stand directly in the center of the portrait. (There’s no way to digitally remove the ex-live-in without leaving a large gap in the picture.) If it hurts people’s feelings, I’m sorry, but we just spent $$$ and we went to alot of trouble and we wanted to take a family portrait.

 

[kage_ar]

Our family has always been clear, until you are married, you are not part of the family name swap for gifts at Christmas, family pictures, etc. Fiancees are not in the pictures nor live-ins or baby mamas.

 

[IrishAm]

May I also suggest that whenever these types of photos are taken, even the MARRIED people be split up to have pictures with just the nuclear family – mom and dad and their children; the sisters/brothers alone. Even marriages sadly have a way of ending. The wonderful photo taken when my children were very small of our family, two aunts (their father’s sisters) and two uncles (married to the aunts), is unlikely hanging **anywhere **since all three of the marriages represented ended.

 

[basilisk]

May I also suggest that whenever these types of photos are taken, even the MARRIED people be split up to have pictures with just the nuclear family – mom and dad and their children; the sisters/brothers alone. Even marriages sadly have a way of ending. The wonderful photo taken when my children were very small of our family, two aunts (their father’s sisters) and two uncles (married to the aunts), is unlikely hanging **anywhere **since all three of the marriages represented ended.

Yes, definitely! The parents should have some pix of just them and their children as keepsakes, too. Plus, it’s a non-confrontational way to handle the live-in situation for those too wussy to be direct about it. And honestly, if the OP’s family had just had some backbone, no one would be lamenting the photos now. The discomfort of saying “no non-married partners” would have been temporary, these pix now last and cause pain forever!

Another idea is to divide by sex… as in “the Smith family men” and “the Smith family women.” I also have a really special pic of my FIL, his dad, and my son, as they all share the same first name. FIL’s dad is gone now, but that pic will live forever.

 

[SMHW]

May I also suggest that whenever these types of photos are taken, even the MARRIED people be split up to have pictures with just the nuclear family – mom and dad and their children; the sisters/brothers alone. Even marriages sadly have a way of ending. The wonderful photo taken when my children were very small of our family, two aunts (their father’s sisters) and two uncles (married to the aunts), is unlikely hanging **anywhere **since all three of the marriages represented ended.

That’s what my parents did (at the suggestion of the photographer.) They took one picture with just my parents and their children. They took another pictures with children’s spouses and the then grandchildren.

The timeless nuclear family portrait (this was a once in a lifetime event) still hangs on the wall of the family room.

There are also many smaller portraits with extended family. There have been additions and sadly deletions to the number of spouses. Grandchildren have been added. And now, sadly, my mother is gone.

Whenever we get together for events with my family or my husband’s family I always suggest that they take pictures with just the blood relatives in addition to the pictures with extended family.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I don’t see any reason to not keep pictures of such…first of all those people married or not were part of those people’s lives once…Like several aunts and uncles whom are divorced are still in our family pics, so what if they are no longer married it doesn’t change that they were once part of our family…

That’s like saying well forget those good times we had with those family members…If things didn’t work out doesn’t mean you hate that person or something like that…and that they no longer mean anything…

Example let’s switch the tables, you are married to this man and his family is taking pics, you have children with this man, so they tell you stay back, bring the kids and we are taking a family pic…How is that fair? Even if you leave the family you are still those children’s mother, and you were his wife…Things didn’t work out for one reason or another but it doesn’t mean you need to be kicked out of every picture…I still have most of my pics with my ex, he was part of my life once, and I wouldn’t delete him out of the pictures just because he’s not my husband any more. I don’t hate him, so what he mistreated me, oh well, but thanks to him I learned a lot and have 3 gorgeous children so why would I delete him from family pics just because he’s not in the fam any more?

If anything retake pics if it bothers so much to see that person in the pics, that’s the best thing…

I hated it when during my db brother’s wedding I was kicked out completely…Yet everyone else and their fiance’s were in all the pics??? How was that fair? I didn’t want to be in all the pics but one with my db would have been nice!!

 

[JustAnotherThou]

You might want to ask the photographer if he can crop her out of the picture. You would be amazed at how well some people can crop pictures. We have a local photographer that crops people into different backgournds and it looks GREAT!!!
Although I will say that there is a BIG difference between people who can do it OK and people who can do it so you can’t even tell.

 

[basilisk]

I don’t see any reason to not keep pictures of such…(

If the relationship ended badly, it would just cause more pain to see those photos. What if the ex was cheating, hiding stuff, abusive, etc.? Why would the family want to have to look at the person who treated their loved one so badly all the time? Not saying that happened here, but it’s one good reason not to keep the pictures.

I am sorry about what happened at the wedding. But, if that family was being consistent, then none of the fiances should have been in the wedding photos unless they were in the wedding party. Sounds like they were just being mean to you. But on the other hand, the photos are about that couple’s wedding, not the groom’s brother and his girlfriend. Honestly, I wouldn’t want someone in my children’s wedding photos that I have to ask, “Who is that?” years later. Boyfriends and girlfriends are by definition not permanent, so I think not having them in the big official wedding photos is appropriate. The informal photos and the random shots the photographer takes of activites is different.

 

[iluvmybabies]

If the relationship ended badly, it would just cause more pain to see those photos. What if the ex was cheating, hiding stuff, abusive, etc.? Why would the family want to have to look at the person who treated their loved one so badly all the time? Not saying that happened here, but it’s one good reason not to keep the pictures.

My relationship with my ex ended badly, he still calls me and harasses me…But like I said, you mature and ask GOD for help over difficult situations and like I said, he was part of my life and gave me 3 children so I can’t go back and change it, so it doesn’t bother me to see his pictures nor other family members that left…

Just like if things don’t work out between my sister and her hubby I wouldn’t delete him since he was part of the family once…

Just like I still respect my youngest brother’s gf she cheated on him but it had nothing to do with me, I don’t like her for what she did, but we all make mistakes and she’s still in our family pics…Just like my parents kept pics that had me and ex boyfriends…Like they say he was once part of your life and part of ours…why should we try and delete that even if things didn’t end up well! And I agree…

But again that’s just my opinion!!

 

[basilisk]

But do you hang those photos on your wall to look at everyday as a keepsake of an irreplaceable event? No, and that’s what the problem is with the photos in the OP’s problem. These were keepsakes of a very special anniversary, probably involved getting people together who do not live near one another, and now they are just painful reminders instead of joyful.

It’s not immature to not want to have pain inserted into one’s life unnecessarily on a daily basis.

 

[IrishAm]

But do you hang those photos on your wall to look at everyday as a keepsake of an irreplaceable event? No, and that’s what the problem is with the photos in the OP’s problem. These were keepsakes of a very special anniversary, probably involved getting people together who do not live near one another, and now they are just painful reminders instead of joyful.

It’s not immature to not want to have pain inserted into one’s life unnecessarily on a daily basis.

And, in many cases, it’s not even about “pain,” it is about wanting to have a family picture on display. Girlfriend/fiance (or earlier wife) is gone, new wife maybe comes into the family later, down goes the picture? No one is necessarily denying the reality or the joy of those who were in (and then out) of a family – just doesn’t work so well as a permanent picture on the parlor wall . . . I still have the “family shot” that was taken back when my girls were little and thoroughly enjoy seeing it now and then – even though the children (now adults) are the only ones in the photo that are still “my family” – but it is in an album, not being displayed.

 

[iluvmybabies]

But do you hang those photos on your wall to look at everyday as a keepsake of an irreplaceable event? No, and that’s what the problem is with the photos in the OP’s problem. These were keepsakes of a very special anniversary, probably involved getting people together who do not live near one another, and now they are just painful reminders instead of joyful.

It’s not immature to not want to have pain inserted into one’s life unnecessarily on a daily basis.

Well like I said it was just my opinion…

If they are able to they should have a retake…Or do as my mother did for my grandmother and take the picture to someone who can “refurbish” or change the picture to suit their needs. My mother had a family picture with some ex that she was engaged to, my father wasn’t happy about the picture, her exfiance was hugging her grandmother in the picture, and she didn’t want to give it to her mother like that since it bothered my father, so she took it to have the picture fixed, the guy scanned the picture and just cropped certain things including the unwanted person and put it back together and out came out this really great print of it…

When she gave it to my grandmother, she asked her “hey what happened to so-and-so wasn’t he the one hugging your grandma!!!” LOL…

 

[The_Wife]

Our family has always been clear, until you are married, you are not part of the family name swap for gifts at Christmas, family pictures, etc. Fiancees are not in the pictures nor live-ins or baby mamas.

Good rule that I would certainly have enforced had it been my children or my family. I am the in-law.

If I had not been the in-law, I would have have spoken up before the picture was taken. My husband and I have both spoken up about their living together before marriage, but our opinion was not welcome by either his brother or his parents. Our silence regarding the portrait was not simply a lack of back-bone, but due to need for diplomacy when dealing with the particular people involved.

It took a great deal of time and effort to coordinate this photo shoot, (to say nothing of the cost of photographer, travel and clothing.) The photographer did get separate shots of my in-laws with just their children and another with just their grandchildren. The portrait sitting wasn’t a complete waste, but we had planned to give a large portrait of the entire family as an anniversary gift to my in-laws. Now they don’t want it.

We’ll order some of the pictures of the whole group that we all just stuff away somewhere. (In a century or so, our family geneologists may ask who that woman is next to their great-great-grandparents?) The large family portrait won’t be displayed as we had intended it to be. My mother-in-law wants the large portrait now to be only of her nuclear family. That picture turned out really nice of all of them, but it wasn’t the gift we intended to give.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well what about this…Your parents divorce and the whole immediate family is in this hanging portrait??? What then delete the father because he’s no longer with the mother???

 

[Seatuck]

Well what about this…Your parents divorce and the whole immediate family is in this hanging portrait??? What then delete the father because he’s no longer with the mother???

Totally different scenario than a live in fiance.

 

[daeve]

Way after the fact, I wish we’d have had a family portrait with eveyone including spouses, and one with just my sisters and I with our parents. Two of the husbands have left the fold, and Mom is plain gone, so we can’t do it over.

I wouldn’t dispose of the one we have with the father of my children in it, because that’s part of their heritage. Our wedding album fell apart (and after what it cost it should NOT have done that) so I made a beautiful scrapbook for them to have. That’s part of our history and how the kids got here, so yeah, I’ll keep those pictures around, but I wish I had a photo of just my nuclear family to put on the wall in my living room. I think the last one was from about 1970.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Totally different scenario than a live in fiance.

Well you mentioned uncles and aunts that are divorced and someone stated that even married family members should be kept out of pics…SO how does that work? In either case it’s still the same thing… If your son divorces his wife, you gonna delete her too? And if your grandparents leave each other??? Etc…You start deleting one you will end up deleting everyone!!!

I mean it just makes it a big mess!!!

I was just adding my opinion no one needs to get over stressed over the situation…

Of course you can keep whom you want, it’s your choice or remove whom you don’t want…

 

[gardenswithkids]

Well you mentioned uncles and aunts that are divorced and someone stated that even married family members should be kept out of pics…SO how does that work? In either case it’s still the same thing…

Messy, but not the same thing as two people living together before marriage. A live-in partner is not the same thing as a family member, even if they are engaged. When two people marry, then they become part of each other’s family through marriage, and through that marriage they may create additional members of the family.

If we uphold the traditional Catholic understanding of marriage, divorce does not dissolve a Sacramental marriage. Upholding that understanding of marriage would eliminate some of the complication for some extended family portraits, but add different complications in cases of divorce with re-marriage outside the Church. When people don’t follow the moral teachings of the Church, life get messy and complicated.

 

[basilisk]

My husband and I have both spoken up about their living together before marriage, but our opinion was not welcome by either his brother or his parents. Our silence regarding the portrait was not simply a lack of back-bone, but due to need for diplomacy when dealing with the particular people involved.

I totally get family diplomacy. There are just some things you have to put up with…

However, if the parents themselves were non-receptive to criticism of living together before marriage, and would not have been receptive to the idea of excluding the live-in… well, they are reaping what they sowed, aren’t they? From what I can see, they partly caused these photos to be something they now don’t want. They sure shouldn’t be complaining about her being in the photos now, because they were a big part of why she was there in the first place!

 

[IrishAm]

Well you mentioned uncles and aunts that are divorced and someone stated that even married family members should be kept out of pics…SO how does that work? In either case it’s still the same thing… If your son divorces his wife, you gonna delete her too? And if your grandparents leave each other??? Etc…You start deleting one you will end up deleting everyone!!!

A rather circular argument that ignores the obvious. There’s is nothing wrong with one pose that includes only blood relatives; one that includes everyone, their spouses, their children, their live-ins or live-outs, and their goldfish if they want; and a myriad of combinations in-between – (“Okay, all the cousins now!” “Just grandma and grandpa and their kids for this one.” “Where is your other sister?”) That’s why you pay the big bucks for the photographer and the clothes. EVERYBODY does not have to be in EVERY photograph taken.