Family Problems - Abandonment and PAIN

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TigerKitty

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Please help me…maybe after reading this, you can direct me to a good Catholic counselor in the Philly area…

Many building issues: giving you the short summary…

I’m 35, mom died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 8. We always went to church growing up. My dad and mom were not maried in the church - she was divorced and already had a son, who my dad sent away somewhere (I don’t know where) after they got married. He (half brother) died about 7 years ago…my dad forbid me to take time from grad school to attend the funeral.

I was engaged to a spiritually vibrant man at 23; he was of strong faith, but non-denominational. He became baptized into the Catholic faith, and we were planning a marriage…until…

My family (dad and younger sis) decided that they didn’t want us to marry, becuase we would “live in a trailer and have retarded children” (their words). My ex-fiancee is now a successful professional, but ended up married to a flightly alcoholic who refuses to have children for her own selfish reasons.

PS - My dad who was not married in the church found it EXTREMELY important that I be married to a Catholic. Read on.

Meanwhile - my sister married a man who went to the same high school with my ex-fiancee. He is NOT Catholic. They were married in the Catholic church, but he refuses to get their son (now 2) baptized. None of them attend church - anywhere. BTW - my b-in law has only a part-time job; sis works full time, and my poor father, who had great plans for his retirement, is stuck watching their kid everyday. (And now they are trying for a 2nd.) Their new house is cluttered with junk - a 2 car garage that has no room for cars becuase of all the junk (you can barely walk through it).

I have now met a nice man, never married, no kids, goes to church. Educated, and has a good job. We are 35, and likely our chances to have children are passed…but I love him and admire him and want to be married to him regardless. (Although I am disappointed that our time for kids may be passed…and it does hurt…)

But - I feel so betrayed by life - and my family. I feel like they ruined my life and jsut utterly used me to boost their own egos. I feel like a tube of toothpaste, and they got all the paste out, and they just tossed me aside.

I am hurt and in pain. I have always tried to be a good person and a good Catholic - even was a music director for 3 years…during that time, my sister came to church ONCE - when she was pregnant. I feel like now that I have found the one, the time is passed, there is no one to be happy for me or support me or share our special day…this should be the happiest time of my life, but when I think about planning a wedding, all I do is cry. It just hurts…

PLEASE help - if you know of a good person I can talk to near Philly…please post here.

Thanks…
  • TK
 
I don’t know any counselors in Philly (but you may get some referrals from your pastor, or google catholic therapists), but I want you to know that 35 is not necessarily too late for babies. I was married at 34 and had my 2 healthy children at ages 38 and 40. Many, many healthy children are born to women your age and older.

I will be praying for you.
 
Life can be difficult…I know from personal experience. My life has mostly been hard. Wanted to die many times along the way. I join in with Christ’s suffering with the pain. I would post some of my details so that you would know that some of us understand your pain but it is very personal. I feel abandoned too. I feel marginalized. I’ve been hurt really bad by those closest to me. Both parents dead without closure. Older brother committed suicide… Life has ups and downs. I am only passing through.
 
I agree that 35 is still time to have children if God wills it, or you could adopt. Forgiving your family will be difficult but you must do it. You have so much going for you now. Now is the perfect time to let go of the pain. The best way is to pray for them. Have a Mass offered for each of them. I would suggest talking to your parish priest first. Get his advice, and he could recommend a good Catholic counselor if you still need it. I will pray for you.
 
I’m HAPPY FOR YOU!!! 😃 You should be proud of yourself for being the woman you are with all the odds against you.

Now some advice from someone who has had other people screw her life up.

I first had to take responsibility for the fact that being nice and not asserting myself and being passive allowed other people to make my decisions for me. When you do that, people take advantage of you. And it leaves you angry and feeling betrayed.

Now that you recognize that pattern, you are taking charge of your life. Yay! 👍 You are quite old enough to decide what you want and to go get it. But you have to forgive yourself for letting them run roughshod over you all those years. You can’t help how your ex-fiance’s life turned out. And he wasn’t meant to be.

Once you forgive yourself, it’s a little easier to forgive others who do things, not out of malice, necessarily, but out of a wrong-headed ignorance. They sound a little lost in their own lives. So they steered your boat to the rocks also.

Forgive them that, and don’t ask their directions anymore. You know how that ends now.

And don’t look at them and their relationship with God. Look at God yourself and keep your eyes on Him. And no, they didn’t ruin your life. Look at it this way… were it not for them, maybe you wouldn’t have met your current fiance.

And 35 is not necessarily too young for that family. I had a friend in high school whose aunt didn’t marry till she was 35. Then she had four kids.

Love God and pray for His blessings. You have earned it. Your life doesn’t sound ruined at all. It sounds like it is just beginning to get wonderful. 🙂 I’m sure your fiance has relatives who will be overjoyed to help you plan your wedding. You are getting a new family! Congratulations. 👍 Be happy.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I’m HAPPY FOR YOU!!! 😃 You should be proud of yourself for being the woman you are with all the odds against you.

Now some advice from someone who has had other people screw her life up.

I first had to take responsibility for the fact that being nice and not asserting myself and being passive allowed other people to make my decisions for me. When you do that, people take advantage of you. And it leaves you angry and feeling betrayed.

Now that you recognize that pattern, you are taking charge of your life. Yay! 👍 You are quite old enough to decide what you want and to go get it. But you have to forgive yourself for letting them run roughshod over you all those years. You can’t help how your ex-fiance’s life turned out. And he wasn’t meant to be.

Once you forgive yourself, it’s a little easier to forgive others who do things, not out of malice, necessarily, but out of a wrong-headed ignorance. They sound a little lost in their own lives. So they steered your boat to the rocks also.

Forgive them that, and don’t ask their directions anymore. You know how that ends now.

And don’t look at them and their relationship with God. Look at God yourself and keep your eyes on Him. And no, they didn’t ruin your life. Look at it this way… were it not for them, maybe you wouldn’t have met your current fiance.

And 35 is not necessarily too young for that family. I had a friend in high school whose aunt didn’t marry till she was 35. Then she had four kids.

Love God and pray for His blessings. You have earned it. Your life doesn’t sound ruined at all. It sounds like it is just beginning to get wonderful. 🙂 I’m sure your fiance has relatives who will be overjoyed to help you plan your wedding. You are getting a new family! Congratulations. 👍 Be happy.
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This is all good advice and what I was going to say myself. This poster simply said it much better then I ever could.🙂

I, too, came from a very bad family background. It took me a very long time to assert myself against my mother. It might be very difficult emotionally for you to stand up for yourself, but please do so. In the long run, you will feel much better about yourself.

35 is not old. It might be more difficult for you to have children but women do give birth at this age. If you can’t have children then there might be a wonderful child somewhere for you to adopt.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I’m HAPPY FOR YOU!!! 😃 You should be proud of yourself for being the woman you are with all the odds against you.

Now some advice from someone who has had other people screw her life up.

I first had to take responsibility for the fact that being nice and not asserting myself and being passive allowed other people to make my decisions for me. When you do that, people take advantage of you. And it leaves you angry and feeling betrayed.

Now that you recognize that pattern, you are taking charge of your life. Yay! 👍 You are quite old enough to decide what you want and to go get it. But you have to forgive yourself for letting them run roughshod over you all those years. You can’t help how your ex-fiance’s life turned out. And he wasn’t meant to be.

Once you forgive yourself, it’s a little easier to forgive others who do things, not out of malice, necessarily, but out of a wrong-headed ignorance. They sound a little lost in their own lives. So they steered your boat to the rocks also.

Forgive them that, and don’t ask their directions anymore. You know how that ends now.

And don’t look at them and their relationship with God. Look at God yourself and keep your eyes on Him. And no, they didn’t ruin your life. Look at it this way… were it not for them, maybe you wouldn’t have met your current fiance.

And 35 is not necessarily too young for that family. I had a friend in high school whose aunt didn’t marry till she was 35. Then she had four kids.

Love God and pray for His blessings. You have earned it. Your life doesn’t sound ruined at all. It sounds like it is just beginning to get wonderful. 🙂 I’m sure your fiance has relatives who will be overjoyed to help you plan your wedding. You are getting a new family! Congratulations. 👍 Be happy.
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What great advice. I have nothing to add but wanted to wish you well.
 
TigerKitty said:
But - I feel so betrayed by life - and my family. I feel like they ruined my life and jsut utterly used me to boost their own egos. I feel like a tube of toothpaste, and they got all the paste out, and they just tossed me aside.

I am hurt and in pain. I have always tried to be a good person and a good Catholic - even was a music director for 3 years…during that time, my sister came to church ONCE - when she was pregnant. I feel like now that I have found the one, the time is passed, there is no one to be happy for me or support me or share our special day…this should be the happiest time of my life, but when I think about planning a wedding, all I do is cry. It just hurts…

PLEASE help - if you know of a good person I can talk to near Philly…please post here.

Thanks…
  • TK
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call Catholic Charities for a referral to a CAtholic counsellor, and also mention this in confession or to your spiritual director. if someone in your diocese offers a “healed in the Spirit” retreat it can be enormously helpful in helping you deal with grief and related issues and resentments. From now on in, it is about you, your attitudes, your positive actions, not about your family. Your counselling should hopefully help you let go of the resentment and bitterness, and cease allowing them to manipulate your emotional life. it is called forgiveness, and is essential to your spiritual, mental and physical health, even when reconciliation is not possible with these folks. from your story it appears you allowed your father to make decisions for you long after you reached adulthood, and the reasons behind that might also be useful for you to explore. meanwhile, we are on it with the prayer chain here. once you learn to make your own decisions, without reference, explanation or apology to your family or anyone else, you will be well on the way to a satisfying, holy, happy life.
 
Hi

You need to turn your back on all this catholic ****. Honestly, the few young catholics i know are all miserable and unable to get into a relationship due to their barmy views.

Turn your back on this cult and live your life. I don’t know where you live but here in the UK the number of practising catholics is dropping rapidly … good riddence i say.

Andy
 
Hey, Andy, did Satan send you? This is a Catholic board, not one for you to spread lies. Matter of fact, if you research it, you will find more Catholics go to church in the UK than Anglicans. And Tony Blair just converted even. So Old King Henry is just spinning in his grave, isn’t he?

Please go spread your Christmas cheer elsewhere. Thank you.
 
All good and helpful advice here TK, and just to reinforce…35 is in no way too old to have a family!! I’ve known many people personally who have had 2 and 3 children after even 38 and 40!! Women of today are living longer and generally healthier than in past generations. And there are also many opportunities for adoption if you and your fiancee are so inclined. God will provide if it is His will. With Him all things are possible.

Prayers
 
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.😦 It’s so hard to deal with the hurt that our family sometimes puts us through.:console:

I just wanted to let you know that 35 is NOT too old to have children! A very beautiful woman (inside and out) that I know married at 35, and had 4 beautiful children before her 40th birthday. My jaw almost hit the floor when I found out her ‘real’ age because she definitely doesn’t look it!🙂 Her children are in the same classes as my 2 oldest (2nd grade and K), and I am 16 years younger than her!😉
 
I’m so sorry for your pain and am going to pray for you right away. As for your situation, every single thing you have experienced will be turned into something good by God. I can relate to your family troubles as I have been through similar experiences, however, looking back at those experiences, I now know that they were absolutely essential in getting me to where I am today. Without that suffering, I would probably NEVER be the Catholic I am today. One day you yourself will get to that point and be able to say “So that’s why God put me through that!” As for children, I don’t see it as an impossibility being that your 35, and even if you couldn’t, maybe God is calling you to adopt children to raise them in the Catholic faith. God bless and be happy, your a bride to be, and that is one of the greatest gifts from God.
 
I know it won’t replace what you’ve missed out on, but does your fiance have a family you could get to know and love?

Also wanted to add that I had a baby last year - 42 years old.
 
HouseArrest said:
I know it won’t replace what you’ve missed out on, but does your fiance have a family you could get to know and love?

Also wanted to add that I had a baby last year - 42 years old.
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As I said, there are tons of women who have children in their late thirties and early forties. Actually having children a little later is in style now.😉 Women are opting to start their careers 1st and then have a family. (not that it would be YOUR reason) Guess my point is you would have lots of company.
 
TigerKitty-
I married at 36, got pregnant at 38 and had my son at 39. Do not give up hope! Try to look ahead instead of regretting the past. And do seek local counseling to help with your despair!
 
Thanks to all for your kind words and advice. I will be seeking some counseling / spiritual healing program. Thank you to everyone who shared examples of “children-late-in-life”. I know that what’s meant to be will be - but I have my weak moments and it’s hard to accept sometimes.

When I lament to my fiance that I wish we met each other 10 years earlier, he tells me that “someone” up there brought us together now - and not 10 years ago - for a reason. We don’t know what that reason is, but he believes that everything happens when it is meant to happen - and that does make me feel better, too…
 
TigerKitty said:
(…)
I have now met a nice man, never married, no kids, goes to church. Educated, and has a good job. We are 35, and likely our chances to have children are passed…but I love him and admire him and want to be married to him regardless. (Although I am disappointed that our time for kids may be passed…and it does hurt…)

But - I feel so betrayed by life - and my family. I feel like they ruined my life and jsut utterly used me to boost their own egos. I feel like a tube of toothpaste, and they got all the paste out, and they just tossed me aside.

I am hurt and in pain. I have always tried to be a good person and a good Catholic - even was a music director for 3 years…during that time, my sister came to church ONCE - when she was pregnant. I feel like now that I have found the one, the time is passed, there is no one to be happy for me or support me or share our special day…this should be the happiest time of my life, but when I think about planning a wedding, all I do is cry. It just hurts…

PLEASE help - if you know of a good person I can talk to near Philly…please post here.

Thanks…
  • TK
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Dear Kitty, do not complain about life!! I can see that God is on your side because you have kept close to him. Marry this man and do not worry, because you still young to have children if that is God’s will!!! 😉

My husband’s sister she had her first child when she was 40+… so please do not worry about that and do not be resentful because you are starting your life now!!! :angel1:

And I am sure that you will be ever so happy that you will forget about all the past problems… just one thing: keep always praying together, this will never separate you if you get married.:gopray2:

And be happy that he is choosing you because he loves you and do not sadden him by telling him “if you had met him 10 years ago” , you do not think that if he wanted he could look for a younger woman?? He is sure that you are the one for what he says. So make him happy and be happy that he wants to marry you and go and thank God in your prayers and pray for him also!! Do not doubt but pray and be thankful to God!

Wishing you the best and my Christ fill your heart with faith,
Gloria

.
 
well, if they hadn’t abandoned you, you would be stuck with their drama/chaos, right??

thank goodness you can just live your life now in peace!!
 
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