Family Problems

[confusedhuman]

Hello, I am new to this site but I found out something recently and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

About a month ago my mother told me that when my younger brother was very young my dad had an affair. She did not go into much detail, but she said that she didn’t think he actually sleep with the woman and that it was more emotional than anything else. He would take her out to dinner and had a relationship with her minus actual sex. My mom said that when she found out about the affair she confronted my dad about it and he denied it at first but later told her that it did happen and that it was her fault. He told her that since my brother had been born she spent too much time taking care of him and not enough time taking care of my father. She also said that later he apologized and said he was wrong.

This is something that completely turned my world around. I am 21 years old and although he has sort of a bad temper, I think overall my dad has been a pretty decent father. We do have a lot of problems though. Ive never been very close to him. I am the oldest in my family so I have been sort of like a test child, which has led us to argue about a lot of things. To make matter worst he has an idea that men and women are different (he clearly acts like he thinks men are superior) and that as a result they should be treated differently. This has caused me to have a lot of angered toward my father because one of my brothers is only about a year younger than me and my father treats us very differently. In his eyes I don’t compare to may brother in any way. He sees him as smarter, more caring, etc. I love my brother, we are very close, and even he admits that my father treats him differently than my sister and I. My father’s attitude has always caused me a lot of pain. He would try to justify things like me needing a chaperone when I went on a date, or me having to cook for him when he is hungry by saying that in return for acting “like a lady” I would find someone who would be a good gentleman and treat me right. However, while he says this, when it comes to thing that me should do, he does not treat my sister and I any different than my brother. For example my brother is never asked to help in the kitchen, but my sister and I are still expected to take out the trash, park the car when we go out to eat, etc. My brother sees this and when he can he helps my sister and I. My father is constantly reminding us that everything we have is because of him because he pays for everything and that we should want to do things for him in gratitude.

We are also very catholic and have always been expected to follow the path of Christ and be moral people. This is something that being in high school and now college has obviously been very difficult but I always felt that he was right. He always made me feel like I was not moral enough or grateful enough, which I had believed because both of my parents had sort of this “perfect” image that I never felt I was living up to.

Now I found this out. My parents have been constantly fighting for years. My dad would constantly get angry and be rude to my mom while my mom just sort of blew him off completely and basically ignores him when he’s around and she is considerably happy when he’s not around (he travels a lot for work). My siblings and I never understood why but now I do. The way they act towards each other started after my father’s affair. I feel terrible for my mom. She’s constantly tolerating being yelled at and mistreated by my dad. In the past I always thought she had part of the blame because of the way she acted towards him, but now I don’t feel that way anymore. i understand her completely.

The thing is, my dad is not a bad father. I have problems with him but he has always been there supporting my family and we have had a lot of great times together. I know a lot of his problems come from the fact that he had a tough upbringing with divorced parents and troubled siblings. His constant need for attention is caused by the fact that he was raised by a single mother so she was not really around. But the thing is that after I found out he cheated on my mom I don’t know how to feel. I cry every time I think about it for a lot of reasons. Why would he do this not just to my mother but to my entire family? How could he judge me so hard when he was unfaithful? He always talked about how being a moral woman would make me find a good man but that is obviously not the case.

What is worse is that my mother basically said that as a woman who got married young if your husband cheats on you then you basically have to stay with him or your life will be very hard. She also said that husbands cheating on their wives is a very common thing now, at least of what she knows from family and friends.

I am so sad and angry but I don’t think I hate my father. I definitely don’t think of him the same though. This has affected me and changed the way I see the world. I now basically feel like another upper middle class girl with daddy issues. My entire life I have wanted to get married young and have a family. Now Im not sure I even want to get married at all. I now how doubts over everything I always thought to be what was right and about how I should live my life.

My father doesn’t know the I know but I don’t know how to act with him anymore. My mother hasn’t worn her wedding ring since the affair and now I know why. They had their 22nd anniversary a few days ago but to me it all seemed like one big joke. i also feel like my spiritual life has changed. I no longer remember to pray every day or really pay attention in church. It is not intentional, I don’t blame God or anything like that. Its more like I just don’t really care.

I am sorry this is so long. I have not talked about this with anyone and this is the first time I’ve actually expressed about how I feel.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

My parents were divorced due to infidelity and had issues throughout that became more clearer as I got to near your age.

There is some truth to what your dad said and some truth to what your mother said but its most of is not true. If you want to marry young and find a good Catholic man, being able to cook and maintain a house is a good way to attract one. Not the only way but it certainly will attract a good man and if you find the right man, he will appreciate it greatly.

If you are a Catholic, if you marry a man that cheats on you it can be difficult for you. You can divorce civilly but the church will require an annulment before you can marry in the church again. This can be a long process that could very well end up not going in your favor. So the moral of the story is find a man you are sure wont cheat on you. You don’t have to put up with cheating but do know the difficulties you will face if you do leave.

Not all men cheat. A man cheating is just as common as a wife cheating these days. The best way to combat cheating is to marry a man with the future in mind versus the present. There are plenty of men out there that will never cheat.

Instead of the negatives, look at the positive. Your parents have stayed together for 22 years even with the problems. What you need to put in your mind is making a future marriage for yourself with that kind of longevity but with a goal of making it a happier and stronger marriage than your parents had. Take whatever lessons positive and negative and use them to your advantage.

There is a reason for everything we go through. We just may not know why for a while.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Wrong doers “scape-goat”. Adam blamed God (1) and Eve (2) for eatting the forbidden fruit. "… The woman YOU put here… ". The core of the marital problems is selfishness. Your father would not have broken his vows if he did not value his desires more than the marriage. His rage at his wife is because he knows deep in his soul that heis in the wrong and every time he looks at his wife, he sees his fallen nature. Since he is in denial, he cannot overcome selfishness and serve.

Medicine to help you forgive your parents is to read 1 Cor 13 every night. After reading it, apply this to your life. We practice first on our parents then siblings, and then potential spouces. When you are ready to give more than you recieve, you need to find another giving partner. Outward clues are religion, tax returns (is charity part of the return?), and see where they volunteer time and talent. Remember we must work on us first before we seek that partner we long for.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Your mother was very, very wrong to tell you that. Children should never be involved in their parents marital problems. You probably already knew that your parents were not perfect, and now you have confirmation of it. Regardless of that fact, they are your parents and deserve your respect.

You are an adult now and need to establish your own identity independent of what your parents think. I think that you could benefit from professional counseling.

 

[Cricket2]

Don’t let this confusion overwhelm you. I know it is hard to accept the problems you have described, and by no means to I want to make light of them. But there are a lot worse things happening in families.

When I was in my teens my parents finally told us kids that our mother had been married before she met him. It was an abusive marriage of 6 years and she finally was granted a divorce, which was difficult to get back in the 1950’s. Our only concern was if we had any half brothers and sisters.

Our parents had their share of problems and there were a lot of things to forgive. My dad was the typical authoritarian type and what he said was what we did. But both of my parents truly loved each other, forgave each other and worked on their problems over time. It is possible, and that is what my siblings have done concerning any issues my parents may have had.

All I am really trying to say, I guess, is try not to focus on the differences in how your father treats you versus your siblings. Focus on changing how you react to your father’s behavior. He can change, and it may be gradual, but it is possible.

Unless a parent is extremely abusive or there is some sort of sexual exploitation of the children by that parent I think most things are resolvable. Hang in there and keep trying. Eventually you will have your own married life, or single life or what ever to contend with. The best you can do is try not to make the same mistakes your parents made.