Family Scapegoating

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I was wondering what the Catholic answer to the phenomenon of family scapegoating would be.Without going into too many details, my family of origin is unfairly critical and judgmental about most things I say. I can tell by their responses that they haven’t really heard what I said. Or they will take one part of what I say and blow it out of proportion. For example, when I said, oh I got this on sale today. My sister will ask, oh, how did that happen. I will just simply explain that I got it on the 75% clearance rack. She will say in a sarcastic voice, oh, good story and change the subject . Basically she will make me feel stupid for having spoken. My whole family is like that. Whenever anyone marries into the family they learn to cut me down too like everyone else does. It hurts me deeply and I avoid family gatherings because of this. When I was a kid I cried, now I just get up and leave the room. I have also tried to talk to my mom and sister about how it hurts my feelings but they just tell me to stop being so sensitive. What I have realized in recent years is that no one else is on the receiving end of such criticism and if I try to make jabs back the whole family will gang up on me.

Basically my worst fear is falling in love with a guy and introducing him to my family because I know they will turn him against me. While every girl imagines their happy wedding day, I have never entertained that fantasy but have always envisioned it as a nightmare where everyone takes shots at me all day and I’m left feeling embittered with a husband that thinks I’m the biggest looser ever. I am terrified of relationships because of this.

At any rate, what is the Christian response to this? I have thought about cutting family ties completely but it makes me sad. While my family dynamics are seriously flawed, they are still good people and I know they do not understand why I’m so hurt. But on the other hand, I don’t know how to stop them from hurting me. I can’t imagine that as a Catholic, it would be morally advisable to just cut family ties outside of serious issues like physical or other forms of abuse.
 
The Christian response is to speak the truth in love. And I would urge you to find a Catholic counselor to help you here. It is absolutely wrong to be treated this way, and you must find out why this is and what your role might be to change the dynamics of these relationships. God bless you. I’m sorry for your family’s demeaning attitude towards you. Your mother should know better. I would also preflect on the Little Way of St. Therese of Lisieux and make sacrifices for your family, particularly your parents.
 
Thanks for the response. Yes, I should speak the truth but I feel I may be overreacting and I don’t want to say something that I will regret. It is hard to really know if I am just taking things the wrong way. I know for sure the way I was treated as a child was wrong but now I don’t know how much of my perceptions/expectations are colored by that early experience. It is also hard to change family dynamics. A catholic therapist would probably be the best solution.
 
If you tell someone they habitually hurt your feelings and they just keep doing it, that is not the response of someone who is being “good”. That is the response of someone who is being a jerk. You have been speaking the truth in love, by the way. Telling them that something hurts you with the attitude that it was not meant that way is telling the truth with love.

I have never heard of someone falling in love with someone else, meeting critical family, and then turning around and joining in the feeding frenzy. What they do is say, “Why on earth do you allow them to treat you like that?” and they don’t want to be around the family. I am guessing that the in-law problem reflects the fact that no one wants to be around critical mean-spirited people except other critical mean-spirited people. Birds of a feather…it was a given that they’d either marry someone who criticizes and cuts or else they’d marry someone like you, a victim who will sit around and take it when they’re made into a punching bag and then blame themselves for being hurt by it. You poor thing, they have gas lighted you. You don’t deserve this treatment–no one does–and you shouldn’t have to apologize for finding it hurtful. It was meant to be hurtful. You know it, and they know it, too. Let’s not let them kid you or themselves on that point any more. It is not “boxing” when both sides do not put gloves on and get into the ring for the challenge of a fair bout. When only one side is throwing punches, that is just beating someone else up. It is cruel, and “good” people don’t allow themselves that as a recreation.

The way you get them to stop that is to leave when they do it…not just the room, but the gathering. You don’t have to be dramatic. You just get up and leave. If you are stopped, you can say, “You know, I’ve told you roughly 1,000 times that I don’t like being talked to that way. You don’t believe that it hurts. Well, it does, I don’t enjoy it, and I’ve decided that since you won’t stop, I’m going to leave…Well, OK, if you think I’m being too sensitive, then that’s your take on it. I’m drawing my own boundaries. I don’t put any of you down, and if I do, you’re welcome to ask me to leave. As for me, I’m not sticking around for this any more. Life is too short. Enjoy your style of communicating, but you’re welcome to it. I’ve enough of it.”

And you know, if they simply have kind of a teasing sense of humor, well, you still don’t have to enjoy it, even if they all do it to each other and think it is just a great time. When a family likes tackle football, those who don’t like it are allowed to sit on the sidelines. As long as you aren’t dishing it out and then expecting not to get the same in return, it is not asking too much for them to dish it out to people who enjoy dishing it back, and to leave those of you who don’t enjoy that out of the field of play. That’s the least they could do. IOW: if they know your boundaries and don’t want to respect them, they don’t have a leg to stand on. Some gave you the feeling you were being attacked, no one defended you when you let them know you didn’t like it, they drove you away. They can all shake each other’s hands and thank each other for that. You can’t control them. You can only decide whether you are going to tolerate it when they treat you that way. If that is the only way they’ll ever treat you, then I don’t see that “a relationship” is an option that they are offering.

If you dish it back and can’t take it yourself, you ought to think about that. Otherwise, you don’t have to take this. Yes, leave. Jesus did it all of the time–they wanted to stone him, and he just walked through it and kept going. There are times when you have to stand your ground even if they nail you to a cross, but this isn’t one of those times. Shake that nasty-attitude dust from your feet in protest, and don’t look back.
 
Oh, and are they trying to pass this off as “just joking”? Read Ch. 11 of The Screwtape Letters some time (boldface mine). In case you do not know the book, it is letters from a senior demon to a younger one, on the topic of how to snare souls (patients) into Hell. To Screwtape, “The Enemy”, of course, is God.

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

Everything is clearly going very well. am specially glad to hear that the two new friends have now made him acquainted with their whole set. All these, as I find from the record office, are thoroughly reliable people; steady, consistent scoffers and worldlings who without any spectacular crimes are progressing quietly and comfortably towards our Father’s house. You speak of their being great laughers. I trust this does not mean that you are under the impression that laughter as such is always in our favour. The point is worth some attention.

I divide the causes of human laughter into Joy, Fun, the Joke Proper, and Flippancy. You will see the first among friends and lovers reunited on the eve of a holiday. Among adults some pretext in the way of Jokes is usually provided, but the facility with which the smallest witticisms produce laughter at such a time shows that they are not the real cause. What that real cause is we do not know. Something like it is expressed in much of that detestable art which the humans call Music, and something like it occurs in Heaven—a meaningless acceleration in the rhythm of celestial experience, quite opaque to us. Laughter of this kind does us no good and should always be discouraged. Besides, the phenomenon is of itself disgusting and a direct insult to the realism, dignity, and austerity of Hell.

Fun is closely related to Joy—a sort of emotional froth arising from the play instinct. It is very little use to us. It can sometimes be used, of course, to divert humans from something else which the Enemy would like them to be feeling or doing: but in itself it has wholly undesirable tendencies; it promotes charity, courage, contentment, and many other evils.

The Joke Proper, which turns on sudden perception of incongruity, is a much more promising field. I am not thinking primarily of indecent or bawdy humour, which, though much relied upon by second-rate tempters, is often disappointing in its results. The truth is that humans are pretty clearly divided on this matter into two classes. There are some to whom “no passion is as serious as lust” and for whom an indecent story ceases to produce lasciviousness precisely in so far as it becomes funny: there are others in whom laughter and lust are excited at the same moment and by the same things. The first sort joke about sex because it gives rise to many incongruities: the second cultivate incongruities because they afford a pretext for talking about sex. If your man is of the first type, bawdy humour will not help you—I shall never forget the hours which I wasted (hours to me of unbearable tedium) with one of my early patients in bars and smoking-rooms before I learned this rule. Find out which group the patient belongs to—and see that he does not find out.

The real use of Jokes or Humour is in quite a different direction, and it is specially promising among the English who take their “sense of humour” so seriously that a deficiency in this sense is almost the only deficiency at which they feel shame. Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is “mean”; if he boasts of it in a jocular manner and twits his fellows with having been scored off, he is no longer “mean” but a comical fellow. Mere cowardice is shameful; cowardice boasted of with humorous exaggerations and grotesque gestures can passed off as funny. Cruelty is shameful—unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do not help towards a man’s damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a Joke. And this temptation can be almost entirely hidden from your patient by that English seriousness about Humour. Any suggestion that there might be too much of it can be represented to him as “Puritanical” or as betraying a “lack of humour”.

But flippancy is the best of all. In the first place it is very economical. Only a clever human can make a real Joke about virtue, or indeed about anything else; any of them can be trained to talk as if virtue were funny. Among flippant people the Joke is always assumed to have been made. No one actually makes it; but every serious subject is discussed in a manner which implies that they have already found a ridiculous side to it. If prolonged, the habit of Flippancy builds up around a man the finest armour-plating against the Enemy that I know, and it is quite free from the dangers inherent in the other sources of laughter.** It is a thousand miles away from joy it deadens, instead of sharpening, the intellect; and it excites no affection between those who practice it**,

Your affectionate uncle
SCREWTAPE
 
I don’t have much to say except offer support and agree with what Cupofkindness and EasterJoy have already said.

Sometimes we suffer small imperfections in others the way St. Therese of Lisieux did, remaining silent and praying for the other parties.

Sometimes we walk away, as Christ did when they wanted to throw stones at Him.

The challenge is to work out when to suffer in silence and when to walk away. But it sounds like it’s time to start walking away.

And I agree with EasterJoy about what any potential partner will do in such a situation. They are only likely to want what’s best for you and defend you. A good husband will want to guard you against undue criticism and bullying. I know I would.
 
Your post is timely. Today has been a hard one for me, for similar reasons. I have made similar realizations over the years, that my siblings wouldn’t dream of saying to one another the things they freely say to me. Since moving closer to family several years ago, I became aware that my mother has some peculiar notions about me and freely tells these untrue things to others. I realized a long time ago that I get along quite well and am liked and respected by many people and those who take issue with me are, without fail, those who have spent time with my mother. I believe she has destroyed my ability to ever have a good relationship with my siblings, and I believe her untrue stories and skewed views impaired my relationship with my mother-in-law before I was ever married, and yes, I believe it had at least some impact on my relationship with my now ex-husband. It’s now happening with my children. 😦 (In May, I posted about my nephew, and I know well that he never, ever in a million years would have dared try on my siblings what he did with me–and I have no doubt he felt quite confident doing such a thing because of what he hears among family members–exactly as you have described.)

And at this point, I feel the need to say in my own defense, once again, that outside of her sphere of influence, I have no problem with people. I’m well liked and very well respected, both for my accomplishments and character.

I have cut ties with my family, because I didn’t see getting down in the mud and fighting back as a good Christian alternative. Nor did I see continuing to go and be treated abusively and publicly humiliated as a viable option…and for that matter not a Christian one, either. I do think we have a right to expect that we are treated with respect and not torn down and harmed, just as we wouldn’t do that to another person. The advice here at the forum was unanimously that the only answer to such toxicity is physical distance.

I think the best thing I ever did was move 1200 miles away. Unfortunately, from that distance, I started to think my father had changed, and went to great effort to move back so my kids could have family around.

Some things I would recommend:
  • An al-anon group. I don’t know if you’re dealing with alcoholism specifically, but the dynamics you describe are the same. If you’d like, I’ll send you the name of the adult children of alcoholics forum I visit, which I have found helpful. I found great healing in going to local meetings, and need to start again.
  • Make friends outside of your family. Join a group, go to meetup.com, make yourself a list at 43things dot com and start pursuing them. A new church. Take classes. * Build yourself strong social circles that will not overlap at all with your family. *
  • Do things that make you happy, things you love, things you’re good at.
  • Focus on building your own character and living with integrity, leading a life of which you will be proud, and one that is approved by God.
  • Keep your distance from your family.
  • Pray for yourself and your family. Pray and fast. I hope you and I can pray for each other.
  • Consider counseling. I specifically looked for someone with training in EMDR therapy, which is technically for post traumatic stress. They don’t know how it works, but it does. My experience with it was that it seemed to take things that I knew logically, and intellectually and help me to ‘know’ them emotionally. My counselor also routinely advised me to see my parents and siblings as ‘impaired,’ to not take it personally, to view them as I would anyone with a physical illness.
  • It has helped me to remember that my dad came from a dysfunctional family himself, that my mother as she is today is the result partly of her own choices to be bitter and resentful but also partly of 50 years of an abusive marriage. To know that my sister, even though she says and does cruel things is a victim in her own way, of a mother who taught her from the time she was small that this was the way to talk to me.
  • I’ve recently started saying the Seven Sorrow devotion daily, which promises peace in the pray-er’s family. Today has been a rough day for reasons I won’t go into, but most days, I have hope.
If I think of more, I’ll add them.
 
Just wanted to let you know that I’m right there with you so I understand how you feel. It’s tough, but hang in there. I recently just decided to stop trying to make things better and put it in my siblings’ hands. They know where I live and my phone number so they know where to find me. This was actually my priest’s suggestion. He told me after a particularly tough visit at home to not contact any one. He told me to pray that Jesus will soften their hearts and that if they contact me in a kind way to receive them with open arms. He told me that they won’t be accepting of me if I continue to reach out so to put it in their hands instead. I will pray that it will never get to that point with your siblings. It is such a heartbreaking experience, even though it is so common. There is no joy in knowing others are in the same boat, there isn’t even comfort in knowing. I will add you and all others in our situation to my novena. Take care and God bless you
 
I just wanted to add one more thing…my husband is my biggest ally and my family knows beyond a shadow of a doubt to NEVER disrespect me when he is around. I pray St. Joseph sends you a spouse like him as well. Sometimes I think my husband is who keeps me from a total breakdown. He saved me in many ways, and I am sure your future husband will be all that for you as well.
 
BCECookie said:
I was wondering what the Catholic answer to the phenomenon of family scapegoating would be.Without going into too many details, my family of origin is unfairly critical and judgmental about most things I say. I can tell by their responses that they haven’t really heard what I said. Or they will take one part of what I say and blow it out of proportion. For example, when I said, oh I got this on sale today. My sister will ask, oh, how did that happen. I will just simply explain that I got it on the 75% clearance rack. She will say in a sarcastic voice, oh, good story and change the subject . Basically she will make me feel stupid for having spoken. My whole family is like that. Whenever anyone marries into the family they learn to cut me down too like everyone else does. It hurts me deeply and I avoid family gatherings because of this. When I was a kid I cried, now I just get up and leave the room. I have also tried to talk to my mom and sister about how it hurts my feelings but they just tell me to stop being so sensitive. What I have realized in recent years is that no one else is on the receiving end of such criticism and if I try to make jabs back the whole family will gang up on me.

Basically my worst fear is falling in love with a guy and introducing him to my family because I know they will turn him against me. While every girl imagines their happy wedding day, I have never entertained that fantasy but have always envisioned it as a nightmare where everyone takes shots at me all day and I’m left feeling embittered with a husband that thinks I’m the biggest looser ever. I am terrified of relationships because of this.

At any rate, what is the Christian response to this? I have thought about cutting family ties completely but it makes me sad. While my family dynamics are seriously flawed, they are still good people and I know they do not understand why I’m so hurt. But on the other hand, I don’t know how to stop them from hurting me. I can’t imagine that as a Catholic, it would be morally advisable to just cut family ties outside of serious issues like physical or other forms of abuse.
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I lived it. I strongly suggest that you cut ties. Pray for them. Hope the best for them. I do wonder how you can call them good people however. I can almost assure you that they know what they are doing. I cut ties for many years. Time and conscience got the best of them and eventually I received “please forgive me” from the most egregious offender. We have slowly rebuilt a relationship. The worst offender said something insulting recently, I just laughed in her face. This was in public btw. If it happens again I’ll be even more upfront. Of course I can’t say that your situation will end the same way but unless and until you are assured that the offenders will behave, it would be best IMHO that you cut ties and fast.
 
BCECookie said:
Thanks for the response. Yes, I should speak the truth but I feel I may be overreacting and I don’t want to say something that I will regret. It is hard to really know if I am just taking things the wrong way. I know for sure the way I was treated as a child was wrong but now I don’t know how much of my perceptions/expectations are colored by that early experience. It is also hard to change family dynamics. A catholic therapist would probably be the best solution.
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Snide and sarcastic people seem to always be looking for a target to abuse. They are cowards and bullies. (Bill Maher comes to mind) :dts:

It is entirely proper to simply remove them from your day.

You have the choice to allow people into your life, why invite in people that will only abuse you? 🤷

Keep them at arms length, and out of your home. Don’t go to theirs. Don’t engage with them under any circumstance.🙂

Be at peace and pray for their conversion. Pray the Rosary for them as often as you feel like it. But pray. 👍
 
Oh boy, does this bring back painful, wrenching memories! I have a brother who has a knack for verbally being “funny” - but only towards me - in a way that is demeaning, humiliating, and frankly, intolerable. My parents used to laugh like hyenas whenever said brother would get his kicks @ my expense, using his sadistic remarks.

This so upset me that I became more and more tense over time, and just instinctively wanted to be away from him, especially in family group situations, as much as I possibly could. I heard the same “Get over it”, "You are just too sensitive, and “Can’t you take a joke??” from him and from them as they all titillated themselves laughing at me. I told my parents when I was 23 that I would no longer stand for this; that, if they laugh at me in this situation, I will leave.

I left on Thanksgiving Day before dinner, when they all did it again. I just got my stuff, walked through the garage, and drove 110 miles home without saying goodbye. It was the best thing I could have done! It put them all on notice that I AM WORTH SOMETHING IN MY OWN EYES. They could do this when I was a child, but no more. It was wonderfully good for my MENTAL HEALTH.

I did this again at his house on Christmas Day, and after that, quite frankly, I simply responded to him ONLY when we would be alone together, like at a restaurant once a year. I no longer came to see my parents when he was going to be there, and his wife & 4 kids would scapegoat me as well.

This was definitely different and it did cause some sadness and a sense of loss to me. However, no longer being in pain with someone who disrespects me for no reason, and who cannot control his cruelty, was more than worth the price I paid.

God loves you, you know. Christ said “Love your neighbor as yourself”. I had to learn that I WAS WORTHY OF LOVE, before I could see clearly to reject unloving, cruel, and evil treatment from those who are “supposed” to love me.

Hope this helps. You are Worth It!!
 
underacloud said:
I don’t have much to say except offer support and agree with what Cupofkindness and EasterJoy have already said.

Sometimes we suffer small imperfections in others the way St. Therese of Lisieux did, remaining silent and praying for the other parties.

Sometimes we walk away, as Christ did when they wanted to throw stones at Him.

The challenge is to work out when to suffer in silence and when to walk away. But it sounds like it’s time to start walking away.

And I agree with EasterJoy about what any potential partner will do in such a situation. They are only likely to want what’s best for you and defend you. A good husband will want to guard you against undue criticism and bullying. I know I would.
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Actually, the greatest danger is that the OP will not put an end to tolerating this kind of mistreatment and* will go out and select someone for herself who does this to her, too, without the man ever having met her family*. This happens with tragic frequency to those who have been taught to accept abuse as if they deserve it.

If she continues to believe that this is ever OK, then she could become one of those poor people who tolerates the same abuse in her marriage as she got in her family of origin because she believes their lie that they are “good people” and that they treat her badly because she somehow deserves it. This, unfortunately, happens all of the time, even when the abuse is physical beatings. The ones who abuse look for “partners” who will tolerate their abuse, because they feel entitled to it. Those who won’t tolerate it are looked down upon as being the ones who have the problem, because they “can’t take criticism” or are “too sensitive” or “don’t want to face that they only get criticized because they deserve it.” Toxic people look for victims who will accept their toxicity as if it were normal. Then they get into miserable marriages, because of course they rarely find anyone who satisfies them. (They may find someone who has all the same control issues against the rest of the world that they do, but clashes are inevitable. Nobody agrees all of the time, and toxic people do not know what real compromise is.)

OP, get some counseling and learn deep down that you do not, that no one does, deserve to live with personal attacks and contempt. The “strategies” of meeting an attack with a counter-attack or with stony silence is also something you should put far away from you. Those are also, BTW, a very good predictor of divorce risk, so you’ll be doing yourself a big favor if you continue not to do it and refuse to associate with those who do. You’ll be much more likely to have a happy marriage if you learn how healthy people lodge and receive complaints in a constructive manner.
 
Thanks to all for your support. EasterJoy you hit the nail on the head with your comment. My last relationship was with a man who constantly criticized me and undermined my intelligence, appearance and capabilities. He even made snide comments about the way I parked, I mean get a grip!

I was so used to this treatment that I didn’t see how toxic he was. Someone upstairs was looking out for me because he broke up with me fairly quickly even though I begged him to give me another chance. But soon after the break up I had an epiphany that frightened me. I had just drove off in my car after we broke up and he saw me accidentally turn the wrong way. I just remember his look of mock and contempt. It was the same look my oldest brother had given me when he was always making jokes at my expense. I knew I needed to reexamine my boundaries.

The thing is, is that one on one my family members are decent. They just like to make jokes when everyone is together, so I avoid group activities. Then they make fun of me for avoiding group activities. If I say I don’t like it when people make jokes about me they say “well excuse me, you’re soooo sensitive.” But I notice that no one else gets talked about like I do, that’s what gets me.
 
BCECookie said:
The thing is, is that one on one my family members are decent. They just like to make jokes when everyone is together, so I avoid group activities. Then they make fun of me for avoiding group activities. If I say I don’t like it when people make jokes about me they say “well excuse me, you’re soooo sensitive.” But I notice that no one else gets talked about like I do, that’s what gets me.
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They may be fine one on one, but that doesn’t sum up the whole situation. They’re two-faced if they turn on you when it’s a group situation.

You’re not being too sensitive. I’ve been told the same thing about a brother in law who was blatantly snubbing me, giving me the cold shoulder, and snide answers to my attempts at conversation: that no one else noticed it. So I was being too sensitive. Imagining things. And ‘being stubborn’ by not agreeing with them that I was imagining things!
 
BCECookie said:
Thanks to all for your support. EasterJoy you hit the nail on the head with your comment. My last relationship was with a man who constantly criticized me and undermined my intelligence, appearance and capabilities. He even made snide comments about the way I parked, I mean get a grip!

I was so used to this treatment that I didn’t see how toxic he was. Someone upstairs was looking out for me because he broke up with me fairly quickly even though I begged him to give me another chance. But soon after the break up I had an epiphany that frightened me. I had just drove off in my car after we broke up and he saw me accidentally turn the wrong way. I just remember his look of mock and contempt. It was the same look my oldest brother had given me when he was always making jokes at my expense. I knew I needed to reexamine my boundaries.

The thing is, is that one on one my family members are decent. They just like to make jokes when everyone is together, so I avoid group activities. Then they make fun of me for avoiding group activities. If I say I don’t like it when people make jokes about me they say “well excuse me, you’re soooo sensitive.” But I notice that no one else gets talked about like I do, that’s what gets me.
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Sometimes in childhood, kids get used to picking on the one from whom they get the biggest reaction. The more they lay on the one kid, the more that one kid resents it and reacts at the unfairness of it, the more they feed on that reaction. It only gets worse when adults lay the blame on the victim instead of the tormenters. I’m not saying that it is always wrong to tell a child to avoid giving tormenters what they want by showing a reaction, but that cannot be implied as if the child is at fault for being attacked. That is merely teaching one strategy for self-preservation. Torment is always the fault of the tormenters, not the victim, particularly when the tormenters are adults and the victim openly tells them that their “sport” hurts. Some true adult should have stopped this long ago.

There is one thing you might try instead of saying you don’t like it. You can ask quite pointedly: “When you listen to yourself make comments like that, are you proud of yourself? I mean, I can live with being sensitive, as you call it, but does it make you proud to defend continuing to pile on when someone else tells you what hurts? Why is that enjoyable to you? Sorry, but you’re usually not like that. I just don’t get it.”

I’ve seen one person react that way when someone was bragging about an incident where he’d accidentally hurt someone else. His mouth just dropped open; no one had ever put it to him that way. That may get someone to stop and think, you never know. If not, well, some people don’t like the family fishing trips or the family shopping trips or the family tailgate party, and some people don’t like to be the permanent piñata for family gabfests…you can put it that way, too.
 
EasterJoy said:
Actually, the greatest danger is that the OP will not put an end to tolerating this kind of mistreatment and* will go out and select someone for herself who does this to her, too, without the man ever having met her family*. This happens with tragic frequency to those who have been taught to accept abuse as if they deserve it.

If she continues to believe that this is ever OK, then she could become one of those poor people who tolerates the same abuse in her marriage as she got in her family of origin because she believes their lie that they are “good people” and that they treat her badly because she somehow deserves it. This, unfortunately, happens all of the time, even when the abuse is physical beatings. The ones who abuse look for “partners” who will tolerate their abuse, because they feel entitled to it. Those who won’t tolerate it are looked down upon as being the ones who have the problem, because they “can’t take criticism” or are “too sensitive” or “don’t want to face that they only get criticized because they deserve it.” Toxic people look for victims who will accept their toxicity as if it were normal. Then they get into miserable marriages, because of course they rarely find anyone who satisfies them. (They may find someone who has all the same control issues against the rest of the world that they do, but clashes are inevitable. Nobody agrees all of the time, and toxic people do not know what real compromise is.)

OP, get some counseling and learn deep down that you do not, that no one does, deserve to live with personal attacks and contempt. The “strategies” of meeting an attack with a counter-attack or with stony silence is also something you should put far away from you. Those are also, BTW, a very good predictor of divorce risk, so you’ll be doing yourself a big favor if you continue not to do it and refuse to associate with those who do. You’ll be much more likely to have a happy marriage if you learn how healthy people lodge and receive complaints in a constructive manner.
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Yes, that’s very true.

At least the OP seems to realise that from her own experiences.

What I should instead have said is that any good spouse (potential spouse) will defend you and not join in with your family’s treatment of you, especially if you share with him your concerns. If he does join in, or treats you in a similar way at all, then run!

You are also right that one needs strategies for disagreements in any given relationship, since even the most healthy of marriages have them. I love my wife and think that we have an excellent marriage, but I’ll openly criticise her driving and parking. 😉
 
This hits close to home for me and describes a lot of what my wife & I have gone through. We’ve been the black sheep on one side of the family since I first started dating her. It got to the point in recent years that some of the treatment they were doling out on our kids could arguably be called abuse (they treated us much worse). I was also told that I was being too sensitive, that I had to let it roll off my back, that they weren’t really bad people, that they didn’t mean the things they said, etc. However, when they’d see it firsthand, they’d agree with me, that it was outrageous, hateful, abusive behavior. It was hurting our children, hurting us and causing problems in our marriage. After one ridiculously over-the-top verbal attack, I decided to cut ties.

It was the best decision for us, even though we’re still being pressured to see these people and make them a part of our lives. Several of them continue to harass us, but we’re supposed to pretend it’s not going on. Some people try to throw our faith at us and say that we have an obligation to these family members. They neglect to say anything about the actual obligations I have to my wife and kids. In other words, even though we have cut ties, we’re still being harassed on a very consistent basis. Still, it’s far better than taking my family around these toxic people.

As for other ways to handle them, I have a hard time believing that anything will be effective. We made every effort to mend the relationship with them before it got to the breaking point but that only made it worse. With one, I tried throwing his treatment back at him. He was the sort who always made jokes at others’ expense. He was seen as a bit of a golden child so nobody said a word to him about it, even when he took it too far (which was often). I finally decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. It was a very minor exchange of insults, all intended as jokes, and mine were extremely tame in comparison with his, but he was so offended that anyone dared to treat him the same way he’d been treating the family for decades that I suddenly became a persona non grata to him. He wouldn’t look at or speak to my wife when we’d get together, and he barely spoke to me. He would invite the whole family to his house for parties–in front of us, no less–and leave us out. I once asked him if we were invited as well and, after 2-3 minutes of ducking the question he finally walked out of the room without answering. He treated me like this for over five years. He still treats my wife the same way he always has. Dealing with him and seeing how unlikely it is that these people will ever change their attitudes toward us made it much easier to make the decision to cut them out of our lives.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
…As for other ways to handle them, I have a hard time believing that anything will be effective…
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It is worth trying some different strategies, but there gets to be a point where you shake the dust from your feet and keep moving. Remember that Jesus also had the worst time in his home town. He knows how frustrating it is.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is worth trying some different strategies, but there gets to be a point where you shake the dust from your feet and keep moving. Remember that Jesus also had the worst time in his home town. He knows how frustrating it is.
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We spent nearly 20 years trying different strategies. I think we did at least as much as could be expected.
 
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