I am in the US and speaking to numerous people ranging from 25-65 years old.
By hate, I am referring to a total inability to hold a conversation that does not involve shouting and name calling, a wish that the other didn’t exist, or the all-consuming jealousy that causes one sibling to lie to defame the others in public, even so far as to perjure themselves in court. As I see this in all adults with multiple siblings, I am concerned with what it is that causes this, or more importantly how to avoid it.
As the church fathers and multiple Popes have spoken in encouragement of large families, it could be said that they are at least mildly encouraged by our church.
I understand discernment to be a process, but for one to consider more children, hearing only one-sided opinions about the cruelty of large families from those in such families, discernment cannot logically happen, thus my questions. Thank you all so far, but I welcome more for my gathering of information, especially on questions 3&4.
Smaller families can have some pretty awful dynamics, too.
Dh is the oldest of 8. Every one of them is thrilled to have grown up in such a big family. They bickered as kids sometimes, of course–what family doesn’t?–but as (mostly) adults now, they’re all very, very close, and they all have wonderful memories from growing up. Their parents had a very good marriage and were fairly functional people. They have a total age gap of 18 years oldest-youngest, with the oldest 6 quite close to each other in age and the younger 2 close to each other but much younger than the older group.
I’m the oldest of 3. My next-youngest sister and I hated each other from the time we were in our preteen years until we were most of the way through college. We couldn’t even have a civil phone conversation most of the time. I practically raised the youngest sister–seven-year age gap there–so while we get along and I still keep an eye out for her, that’s about it. We aren’t close. Our parents were dysfunctional in the extreme (substance abuse, mental illness, massive untreated issues), and deliberately pitted us all against each other from an early age. However, I will say that my next-youngest sister and I are now very close indeed, which I’m grateful for every day.
I was initially afraid of having kids at all, especially more than one or two, because of my experience growing up. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t have to be like that, and DH and I will discern on an ongoing basis when to avoid and when to either actively try to get pregnant or to simply let what happens happen. We’d like a larger family, but aren’t going to set any firm numbers.
About personal attention: DH’s father made a point of spending as much time with his kids as possible, both by coaching/being involved in their activities, and by taking one kid out for “dad time” every Saturday morning on a rotating basis. I believe his mom did similar things.
Re #3: They didn’t build in the sort of stuff that leads to resentments. I was 7, for example, and responsible for diapering/feeding/putting to bed my baby sister. When she wet the bed, I had to take care of that. When my mother would get so drunk she’d pass out holding her, I’d keep myself awake so I could get her and put her to bed. I didn’t blame my sister for this per se, but I really resented that I had to do all that at the same time, and I’m sure that’s led to us not being very close now. DH’s family, on the other hand, didn’t have that dysfunction, and while older siblings sometimes helped a little with younger ones (ie, help them tie their shoes, or played with them for 20 minutes while another sibling got one-on-one math help with mom, and so on) it wasn’t all the time, and it wasn’t nearly that level of responsibility. Older kids who babysat younger ones for more than the time it would take for a grocery run would get paid whatever they’d usually make doing that for another family. Kids might take on jobs that are more often parents’ jobs (laundry, for example), but they’d get paid for that, too. This also taught them that hard work translates to money–a good life lesson.
They all also had their own chores that they weren’t paid for, I should hasten to add: they were expected to tidy up after themselves and contribute to general household chores by taking out trash or sweeping or vacuuming as part of being a family.
Neglect? I suppose that if they’d stopped at 2, they’d have gotten more one-on-one time, but DH’s parents seemed to make a point of actively working on their relationships with each kid rather than being passive about it. In terms of shelter, food, and so on, there definitely was no neglect at all.
It worked for them. Doesn’t mean it works for all of us, of course. I know a lot of people from the kind of families you described, and though I disagree with them fundamentally, I also understand their attitudes perfectly. This is especially common in older daughters in BIG families whose parents put much too much responsibility on them, to the point that their educations are non-existent and they essentially raise younger siblings. This is abuse, and is inexcusable.
). I think being so close in age helped us too since we were often in the same life stages so we could really relate to each other (not there weren’t times when I was angry or mad at one of my siblings). Also (I think most importantly) they made a real strong effort to not show any favoritism (which I think helps eliminate any resentment someone might feel).
). In all seriousness, I think its the same as raising two or even one kids. Be interested in their life, interests, play active role in their education, etc.
. Hope this helps.