Family size and happiness

[His_helpmeet]

1. Six. Two girls and four boys. The first four were about two years younger than the next oldest sibling. About 8 years before the last two, who were about two years apart.
2. Yes. Five.
3. It didn’t come up. We didn’t hate each other, and didn’t think we had a reason to.
4. This is hard for me to even understand. We were fed, clothed, disciplined, educated, taught to pray and to be good. Every one obtained a post graduate degree. We were, I’ll admit, given a lot of freedom. We lived in the country. Other than when we had school, work or homework to do, we went out in the morning, explored, had “adventures”, hunted for arrowheads, fished, hunted, picked fruit in season, investigated things, swam where and when we wanted. We had a sort of “deal” with my mom. If we brought back berries, or other fruit, she would make jelly or pies out of it for us. If we brought back fish, she would cook it, but we had to clean it. Same with crawdad tails if we caught them and shelled them for her. Frog legs, we sometimes fed the whole family with them. I’ll admit, climbing trees for wild grapes for jelly wasn’t easy, (and was a bit hazardous) but we did that too. If, on a non-school day, I wanted to read all day, I could. My parents had a pretty decent library for the time, and I enjoyed their books. Any of my siblings could do that, and did when they wanted to. If I wanted to build something, I could, and sometimes did, and pretty much without parental direction. I suppose some would think of that as neglect because there were hazards involved in all of it. I saw it as the most wonderful freedom that a kid could imagine. We did have to show up in time for dinner, though, no matter what.

My dad worked in town, but had a few head of cattle. He would let us ride in the truck bed of his pickup to go see to them. He even let us ride on the fenders of an old truck that had lavish fenders. We rode up on the top of hay trucks and helped load hay in the barn. He let me drive the old pickup when I was 12, and I drove it ever after that, with one or more siblings on the fenders, in the back or on the running boards. We drove the cattle when needed, and I was chased more than once. We fed hay in the wintertime. We carried guns when we felt like it from about age 10 on. But my dad was very strict in his lessons on gun use and safety, and we adhered to them.

People would truly call a lot of that neglect, and I guess my parents would get in trouble nowadays if people knew what we did. Me, I thought it was terrific. Still do.

Now, one needs to realize that older siblings in a situation like that take quite a bit of responsibility for the younger ones. Our parents demanded that we do it in a reasonable manner, and we did. We didn’t think anything was wrong with that, and it truly didn’t seem much of a burden.

We did a fair amount of work when called upon to do it, and nearly always did it together.
I’m not going to say we didn’t quarrel, because we did. But the family had a rule that no one could go to bed without making up, no matter how strong the quarrel was. Never sleeping on one’s anger was an absolute.

Our parents required us to take some responsibility for the younger ones, too, But it was mostly things like “Play nicely with your brother/sister” or “when you guys go outside to play make sure the younger ones don’t leave the yard”.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I know many families with lots of children. The grown kids tend to have smaller families than their parents did, but not when you adjust for marrying 3-5 years later in life. I also know people with one sibling who don’t like their sibling and people who are only children who wish their parents had more other children. This becomes particularly clear in late middle age, when the work of caring for the parents in their old age can be divided and shared.

Then, too, there may be additional factors. I am subfertile and it is not known whether I will be able to have children. (DH and I are considering adoption as a possibility.) My sister has 3 children (two boys and a girl) and has been advised not to have any more because she has had complications that have gotten more serious with each pregnancy.

 

[mdleagedguy]

OT but still funny:

Your story reminds me of an experience my father had. (BTW my father is one of 4 siblings. Most of them get along fairly well.) Now, you have to understand, Dad is not a big fish person. When he was fairly young, he went fishing and he caught a fish. He was SO excited that he ran back home (they lived on a farm near the river) and Grandma had to drop everything she was doing and cook this thing for him right then and there. So she cooks it up, puts it on his plate, and Dad says, “I can’t eat this, it’s fish.”

Maybe he wanted Grandma to eat it.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’m one of three - small/medium sized family. We were not particularly close to each other as kids - I think my older siblings were, but because of personalities, I was not. We were each about 2.5 years apart. We had our own rooms from the time I was 10. The only sibling closeness that I remember with my sister from my childhood is from the time when we shared a room. I remember always wishing that my parents had had a 4th child - I really wanted a little brother. I knew that they could have had more, but that they took steps to prevent it. Looking back, I still wish they hadn’t taken those steps. Another sibling would have been wonderful.

I have 4 kids now, and while they have plenty of squables, they also are more friends with each other than I ever was with my siblings. I actually attribute this to the fact that I homeschool them and they are around each other most of the time. The boy has his own room, and the 3 girls share. They think their own rooms would be cool, but that doesn’t mean they need them.

I have a friend from childhood who was the 2nd of 6 kids. Dad traveled a lot for his job, and when he was home, he prioritized family togetherness. These 6 adults continue to be very close and a huge support for each other. The oldest of them now has 7 kids of her own. The 2nd oldest (who was more like the responsible mother figure of the group) has 4, and wishes she could have more. The 3rd child in that group of six has 5 kids, and says that he and his wife would like 12. The younger ones so far have small families (no onlies though), but it’s hard to say if that’s because they’re just not old enough to have had all their kids, or because they are working mothers, or if it is actually ideology.

My husband is one of 7 children. 5 of them are married with kids. Two siblings have 3 kids, 2 siblings have 2 kids, and then there is us with 4. The reasons cited for not having more kids by the other siblings are difficult pregnancies, difficulty conceiving, and not being able to afford more. His siblings, like most people of our generation, are people of the world, who have fairly mainstream views on what kids need, or what a family needs to be happy. I wouldn’t say they view it any differently than our friends who come from small families.

I know another family that has 13 adult kids. Now that they are grown, the married ones seem to be bearing their children at a pretty fast pace. I don’t think anyone is going to have as many as 13, but they also didn’t all get married as young as their mother did.

We could go on and on, talking about large families who have grown up to be close with their siblings and who view large families in a positive light. I am surprised the OP has heard only negative experiences with large families. I think your sample is skewed.

I would encourage you to think not just about “how many kids you want,” but how you will seek to do God’s will in your future family. There is a place for having desires - most of us have an image in our minds of what the ideal family size is, but if we are truly interested in doing God’s will, we need to accept the fact that that idea in our minds may not be what is actually best for our family, or what will actually happen. If you can both agree to include God in your decisions, and to not have a rigid number that you must stop at, you will do ok.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Our parents required us to take some responsibility for the younger ones, too, But it was mostly things like “Play nicely with your brother/sister” or “when you guys go outside to play make sure the younger ones don’t leave the yard”.

I think it depended somewhat on the circumstances. I sure changed a lot of diapers as a kid. I know this sounds odd, but my wife was the youngest in her birth family, and when we had our first child I was already thoroughly schooled in baby and little kid care. I actually enjoyed “showing off” my skills. I will admit, though, that Pampers were a big improvement over the diapers I changed as a kid.

Making sure the younger ones “don’t leave the yard” depends on the yard, but I get the point. Again, I don’t think there’s truly “neglect” in a large, loving family. There’s a curious mixture of delegated responsibility seemingly beyond a kid’s years, and incredible freedom. Kids don’t need their parents to dote on them. Five individual minutes of the right thing in a day can beat hovering over a kid all day long.

 

[Xantippe]

Favoritism is a really big deal, whether in families of 2 or whatever.

It was notorious in my family of origin that one of the aunties always seemed to have to have one child in the dog house at all times. Fortunately, that responsibility rotated, but she always seemed to have one child on her black list at all times.

 

[Secant]

I am reassured slightly with all of your comments, but a little offended by the suggestion that I find new friends. If I removed the people I considered friends from the pool, I would be down by only two samples, due to one friend’s parents. Most of these are people I know from Church or work and family, both my own and my in laws. In addition, I cannot go to another parish and ask there. It is over 100 miles, specifically 103.46 according to Map Quest, to get there. Again, this is why I am asking online.

I asked about the sharing, or not, of rooms because of a previous post. If I do have more than two children, they will be sharing rooms. In my town, my husband’s very nice salary translates into a three bedroom house.

I continue to struggle with these questions because while I have seen unhappy two children families, I’ve never met a happy multi children family. I am terrified of how my children can grow up in the sight of God when their examples from their own families are of siblings literally trying to kill each other, an older sister hating the baby sister because she totally marginalized her life, one sister perjuring herself in court to put another sister’s child in prison to “pay her back for all the years of showing me up,” and the attitude that “I am alone in this world (despite having siblings because they can’t bother to deal with said siblings) and have to be the sole support for my mom.” These are my (8 month old) child’s (may be some day children) grandparents. Add in my cousins and those whom I see in Church and I do not know how to teach my children love for siblings.

So you from large families, please keep considering answering, especially 3 and 4. I thank you.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Gee, I feel like I’m hearing about the type of people who end up on Cops, or Maury Povich (or whoever is the trash tv host now) when I hear your description. Not very classy people.

Here are some things to consider as you are evaluating the experiences you are hearing about:

–WHY do certain people have large families? There are some people who have large families because mom has relationships with multiple men - a couple of kids per father, makes a large, but probably dysfunctional family. There are people who have large families because two smaller families are blended after divorce and remarriage - also more likely to have difficulties. Most of the large families I know, WANTED a lot of children, and LOVED children. They had great respect for their children, great respect for God, and they taught their children to love God and each other. They were kind, loving, people themselves. In fact, the ones who really seemed to love their children, and to love God the most, also have the children who are happily having large families.

–What type of dysfunction is already in the history of these families? Are there criminal spats that go back generations? If so, having a large family isn’t going to change that. Is there a history of major mental illness affecting how children are raised? This also might carry into future generations unless parents make concerted efforts to change things.

–What are these parents of large families like? Are they kind of trashy in their behaviors too? Or on the other side of the coin, are they sweet religious people that are so meek and mild that they never actually took authority of their children to teach them right from wrong?

My point is, it sounds like there is a lot of dysfunction in the families that you are describing, and I would bet that the type of family who raises their kids to act the way these people you are describing act, would have the same result if they were raising only 2 children. You are describing families whose parents did not teach their children to be kind, loving, classy people. My guess is that it was personality and parenting style that resulted in those problems, and not family size.

Also, for the record, I consider a large family to be 5 or more kids. Families with 3 or 4 children are very medium sized, and aside from sharing a bedroom, and having to carpool more, we’re not talking about THAT different of a family life from a family with two children. All of the large families that I am describing to you from my past, have 6 or more children.

But since you asked for more examples: I do have a friend like myself, who came from a family of 3 kids. All 3 kids in her family have gone on to have at least 5 children. This friend and her siblings have good relationships - her parents expected them to get along, and expected them to be faithful, God-loving people. These siblings are much closer to each other than I am to my 2 siblings, because they share the same faith and values - here again is evidence that it is not about the number of siblings, but about other factors - in this case how the parents taught values and the faith. I will say, that while my siblings and I don’t share the same values and faith, we were taught to be respectful and to get along - and guess what? We make an effort to be respectful and get along. And we are pretty good at it.

 

[CommonWeal]

This excerpt from a work by St. Robert Bellarmine was just posted this morning from Rorate. I share for all who wish to know the joys of a large family and live the Catholic faith.

**127:3 “Thy wife as a fruitful vine, on the sides of thy house. Thy children as olive plants, round about thy table.” **

The second blessing enjoyed by the man “that fears God and walks in his ways” consists in his having only one wife, should he ever marry; and, in marrying, that he will be influenced more by a desire of propagating the human race than by any sinful or unworthy desires, as the angel admonished Tobias when he said: “Thou shalt take the virgin with the fear of the Lord, moved rather for love of children than for lust”; and Tobias himself truly said, “And now, Lord, thou knowest that not for fleshly lust do I take my sister to wife, but only for the love of posterity.” He, therefore, says, “thy wife,” not thy wives or thy concubines, “as a fruitful vine,” with a large family, like a fruitful vine that sends out a number of branches, “on the sides of the house”; a domestic wife that stays at home, looking after the business indoors, while her husband cares for the business outside. …

The third blessing, the education of the children, is now introduced. They who fear God and walk in his ways will not only have many children, but they will be well brought up and educated, because they will be taught, from their earliest infancy, to fear God and to walk in his ways. He, therefore, says, “Thy children as olive plants, round about thy table,” that, by beholding them all together, eating with them, and living with them, you may have the greater pleasure and enjoyment with them. …

**127:6 “And mayest thou see thy children’s children; peace upon Israel.” **

. . . Another addition to the happiness of the blessed in their country above [the heavenly Jerusalem] will consist in their beholding there “the children of their children”—that is, not only those who, through them, were born to God, but also the children of those children who, to the end of the world, shall have been brought to God, and will thus have cause of rejoicing for them all as if they belonged to themselves.

Source.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I think that family size is something that you have to accept isn’t under your control. Worry about the things that you can change.

1. How many were in your family, divided by gender, and how many years apart?

8 altogether. 6 boys and then 2 girls at the end, all about 2-3 years apart.

1. Would you have (have you had) more than two children?

Yes

1. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?

My brothers and I never hated one another. We would get in fights as children but once we were teens there were no more fights. I was already grown and gone by the time my sisters came along and I’ve never gotten in a fight with either one of them.

Even today we all own a deer camp together now so we must still get along pretty well.

1. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?

We had a lot more freedom than kids today typically have today. When I was a child we were free to roam where we wanted and go hunting and fishing just about anywhere we liked. My brothers and I had a lot to do together. Most parents today would never even dream of letting a child ride a bike to school or sports practice much less giving them a gun and permission to roam.

I don’t know, I think that the idea of what neglect is has shifted so much that it is very difficult for parents to keep up with a large family. If you have to keep a constant eye on each child then it is going to be impossible. I think what you do is adjust your lifestyle to a point where you can keep up with everybody. You’re not going to be able to have a child fully booked into every activity under the sun. You can let your kids walk to school and let them play outside.

 

[PaulinVA]

1. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?
2. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?

Sorry, I don’t have an answer to this, either for myself or for my children.

My wife and I did nothing specific for either of these questions. We took care of our children, and they got the attention they needed when they needed it. Sometimes one or the other needed a lot of attention, but the others understood, and they got attention when they needed it.

Overall, the questions in the OP are foreign to me.

 

[tafan]

1. How many were in your family, divided by gender, and how many years apart?

We had 6 in our family, age range was 11 years, largest gap was 3 years.

1. Would you have (have you had) more than two children?

I have 8 children. Age range 18 years, largest gap 5 years (a miscarriage occurred in that gap,BTW, it was not planned).

1. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?
   Never was an issue. I happen to have 70 first cousins on my dad’s side of the family, there were 7 in his family, and I don’t know any cousins who hated their families.
   I know lots of people who grew up in very large families, and none of them hated it nor hated their siblings. I believe it is very rare to hate one’s siblings. I certainly don’t see how family size would cause it.
2. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?
   I never remember feeling neglected. We are now in an age of kids having to be continually babysat: people focusing kids activities on sports leagues, etch. One does not have to spend 100% of their time with a child for him to not be neglected. And its good for siblings to rely on each other. For example: my kids do all their homework, and its much more common for them to get help from a sibling than from me.

I find the OP exceeding strange in its wording. I perfectly understand various reasons why parents decide to have small families (eg financial, medical reasons, etch). I do NOT think that it is impossible to raise large families without the kids growing up in neglect and hatred. Exceeding strange.

 

[tafan]

I am reassured slightly with all of your comments, but a little offended by the suggestion that I find new friends. If I removed the people I considered friends from the pool, I would be down by only two samples, due to one friend’s parents. Most of these are people I know from Church or work and family, both my own and my in laws. In addition, I cannot go to another parish and ask there. It is over 100 miles, specifically 103.46 according to Map Quest, to get there. Again, this is why I am asking online.

I asked about the sharing, or not, of rooms because of a previous post. If I do have more than two children, they will be sharing rooms. In my town, my husband’s very nice salary translates into a three bedroom house.

I continue to struggle with these questions because while I have seen unhappy two children families, I’ve never met a happy multi children family. I am terrified of how my children can grow up in the sight of God when their examples from their own families are of siblings literally trying to kill each other, an older sister hating the baby sister because she totally marginalized her life, one sister perjuring herself in court to put another sister’s child in prison to “pay her back for all the years of showing me up,” and the attitude that “I am alone in this world (despite having siblings because they can’t bother to deal with said siblings) and have to be the sole support for my mom.” These are my (8 month old) child’s (may be some day children) grandparents. Add in my cousins and those whom I see in Church and I do not know how to teach my children love for siblings.

So you from large families, please keep considering answering, especially 3 and 4. I thank you.

Not suggestion you make new friends. But you have stated “Specifically, I have never met a person who was from a family of three or more kids who has a single nice thing to say about their parents’ choice to have more than two children (exceptions are those with 8 or more years between consecutive children).”

And then you stated: ", I have only met one Catholic family with more than two children. "

So, either this is a family that was one of your exceptions (those with more than 8 years between kids) or maybe most of your examples are non-Catholics. But I doubt large non-Catholic families are that different than large Catholic families. So I think you just haven’t met many friends with large families and are referring to one or two families you know where it doesn’t seem to work. In other words, you don’t have a large enough sample.

As to sharing rooms: absolutely no problem with that. And preferable. Every time we have had a kid in his own room, more problems arise than with the kids who share a room. By far preferable to have kids share rooms. We are down to 4 kids at home and have 5 bedrooms. The two girls have their own, in theory, but one of them is never used. The boys are going to be moved into a common room so that we can finally do a guest bedroom up right (oldest just got married and if we want them to visit, they need a bedroom to share . )

At one point we had 8 kids all at home in 4 bedrooms, no problems sharing rooms. When we were kids, I remember all 4 of us boys in the same bedroom.

BTW: we don’t allow phones and TVs and computers in bedrooms. Perhaps that helps.

 

[EasterJoy]

Then, too, there may be additional factors. I am subfertile and it is not known whether I will be able to have children. (DH and I are considering adoption as a possibility.) My sister has 3 children (two boys and a girl) and has been advised not to have any more because she has had complications that have gotten more serious with each pregnancy.

Yes, if you go back in the records, you’ll find many families with one or two or three children back when couples married when the women were much younger and before birth control had been invented. Just as there are couples who would have loved to have had children but could not, there are couples open to many children who were only granted a few. Children are indeed a blessing, and not something that couples can all have whenever they want just by being open to life.

Some people seem to think that Catholic families have gotten smaller just because birth control is available, not stopping to think how many women married at 18 or 19 in the past, rather than the “old maid” age of 25 or more that is becoming more typical now. If you start later, you aren’t as fertile. It is just basic biology.

 

[underacloud]

I am reassured slightly with all of your comments, but a little offended by the suggestion that I find new friends. If I removed the people I considered friends from the pool, I would be down by only two samples, due to one friend’s parents.

When I said previously you should find new friends, I did not (necessarily) mean at the expense of current ones. Just that you need to broaden your social network to meet more people who can share positive experiences from their families, big or small.

I continue to struggle with these questions because while I have seen unhappy two children families, I’ve never met a happy multi children family.

As above, I think broadening your social network would be a good thing. In my experience, happy multi children families would be more common than unhappy ones. The more people you meet, outside of your current circles, the more this would hopefully become apparant.

I am terrified of how my children can grow up in the sight of God when their examples from their own families are of siblings literally trying to kill each other…

Really? Your family have tried to kill each other? Yes, well, that would set your mind against a larger family. But, that is not at all the norm.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Mjs2001, I have only met one Catholic family with more than two children. Many of the people I am referring to have left the Church due to it’s encouragement for larger families. We have a dying parish in my community, with very few people under 60. There is also no homeschooling group in my community. That is why I am asking online.

I’m in agreement with the idea that you may be surrounded by mostly biased people. It sounds as if they’ve swallowed hook line and sinker the prevailing secular culture’s view of children as more burden than blessing. This distorted and cynical outlook, reflecting the Culture of Death IMO, is suggesting that not only do “too many” children tie down the parents, they also make their siblings’ lives a misery. I think results depend way more on the attitude and parenting methods than on the number of kids.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

As the eldest of four, I will say that I do care for my siblings. However, I’m not blind to my own history with them. We don’t hate each other but we each knew enough to say our parents were already playing with fire once our youngest came out.

Many times I’ve heard classmates who’ve had strained sibling relationships once the number reached beyond ours. Some felt overshadowed by the achievements of the elder ones (I can say this was at times the case of our youngest). On the other hand, first and second borns are often exhausted because our parents constantly saddle us with our younger siblings (especially they’re your one and only little sister).

Advocates for large families think we’re being selfish, childish, and that we should consider our family more. Here’s the terrible irony (and why I find their so-called ‘fraternal correction’ to be nothing more than a religiously veiled insult mixed with ignorance). In my country, plenty of those from large families don’t amount to anything more than blue-collar labor. For all the ‘sharing’ these families supposedly embody, they certainly do nothing but share more of the same poverty. There is no disrespect intended here, just facts from my own experience.

While the economy of a developed nation might allow a man to have way more than four kids, there is more to raising a child than just making sure they have enough food, clothing, or shelter. Each of my siblings are in social positions that many from the poorer, larger families in my country would literally kill for. I for one can understand why the OP’s experience is what it is. Parents have the responsibility to gauge the risks each time they have a child. Sure, for all you know that child wouldn’t want anything more than to live like St. Francis. There is still just as much a chance that your child would aspire to be the next Donald Trump.

When I think about it though, it really boils back down to a core message about the Church regarding our identity as human beings. We are not like animals that we can just produce/contracept on a whim.

If you ask me, I would never exchange my siblings for a hypothetical fifth.

 

[sailor28]

Secant,

You and your husband should prayerfully consider how many children you should have.

I do know that sometimes in Catholic circles having a large family is presented as the best thing to do. It is however true that there can be lasting consequences of being raised in a family that is too large for the parents to care for the kids. For some couples that is 2 kids for others it may be 10 kids depending on a lot of factors. The parents can love their kids but not be able to meet their basic needs because things like time and energy are not endless.

My BIL comes from a family of 7. None of the 4 girls had kids. He did tell me once his mom left for a long time because she had a mental breakdown. My mom had 4 kids in 5 years and she was unable to care for us. The couple that did our marriage prep had 7 kids and she also had a mental breakdown at one point. They have a loving family but the extreme challenges they faced created some lasting hardship. Kids are resilient but too much instability has lasting consequences. Including obstacles to grace and faith. A loss of a stable connection as an infant and in the toddler years can be devastating. I believe I have a healthy circle of friends and have been deeply involved in my parish community which had a lot of large families. I see that everything looks good until the kids are grown. Then, more often that not, in the families I know things surface. Particularly in large families who had very authoritarian rules and did not give their kids freedom to be individuals or space to discover and embrace their own faith at their own pace.

That is not to say I don’t know large, loving families. There are exceptionally loving large and small families. They do exist. They are not the norm. Either from an orthodox Catholic perspective or from a secular one. From what I see it is not typical for families to be exceptionally close and loving.

It is possible to have a large family and be able to care for all the kids. Nurture of healthy faith community. And pray, pray, pray and you will find the way you should go

 

[holyrood]

Most hate some if not all of their siblings. All of them say to maximize children at 2 and that all who do not limit themselves this much commit the crime of child abuse. My husband says this cannot be the case, as the Church recommends large families. Neither of us is from a large family.

…

1. How many were in your family, divided by gender, and how many years apart?
2. Would you have (have you had) more than two children?
3. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?
4. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?

Wow, what kind of friends do you have?!

I don’t think the Church ‘recommends large families’ per se, any more than it says people must have as many children as they can, as some people claim… These things are not the same as teaching that there are some moral reasons not to use artificial birth control.

1. I have three sisters. two of us two years apart, a nine year gap and two more, also two years apart.
2. I have nine children.
3. I never felt it was my parents’ job to ‘keep me from hating my siblings.’ I think they did things that caused friction between me and one sister in particular–but that had nothing to do with family size. It had to do with all sorts of ugliness going back to my grandparents and the dysfunction in my father’s family, and more.
4. This question truly just boggles my mind. My family had plenty of problems, but not a one of them had to do with family size. We were well fed, we had nice houses, we drove in nice cars, I had music lessons, etc. The issues we had were related to alcoholism, which backs up to my father’s family issues, which would have existed if I’d been an only child.

 

[holyrood]

In addition to growing up in a family with four siblings, I have a very large family myself, my mother comes from a very large family, I am close friends with an older woman from a very large family, and I attended church for 8 or 9 years in a parish with many, many large families. I currently live in a neighborhood with many immigrant families–such that my kids have plenty of friends with families of anywhere from 5 to 10.

As I said, my family of origin (4 siblings) has plenty of issues. I haven’t spoken to them or my parents in years, but it has to do with alcoholism and all the accompanying dynamics, not family size at all.

For the rest, I can tell you my mother is still close with all her many siblings. They still get together several times a year, all 10 of them, and have a great time

My friend speaks very warmly of her large family and her many siblings. She’s the youngest of 9. She writes beautiful stories about growing up, and I’ve never heard her say a bad word about any of them.

At the parish I went to, I saw many families of 5, 6, 7, and even up to 11 and 14, and I saw siblings who loved each other and worked and played together and were shining examples of family life. I still see many of these families on facebook, and see how their now-adult children interact with each other, and they continue to love each other.

Speaking for my own 9 children, yes, there are those who butt heads. And time after time, I’ve watched those kids outgrow that. But I can tell you that when my older kids come home, the younger ones nearly bulldoze me getting to the door to jump all over them. The older sons are down on the floor wrestling with the little boys, or out in the yard tossing a ball with them. My older daughters are taking them to movies or baking with them, or going out to the school playground to film music videos with them.

For a long time, virtually all of my children said they wanted large families themselves. For years after the youngest (who is 9), they were begging me to have another baby. My 19 year old daughter still chides me for not giving her more siblings!

I see them laugh and have fun together. I see them get a huge kick out of telling people how many siblings they have.

As to mental breakdowns–well, I just heard a list last night of the famous people who have had stays at Bellevue. I doubt any of them had many children. The point being, there are a lot of stresses in life. Some people have breakdowns, whether they have 10 children or none.

My mother in law (four children) had a breakdown, but it was a result of a dozen things all hitting hard at once.

My own mother frequently screamed at us about how we stressed her out, and how ‘this is what having kids does to people!’ That was when she had two children.

I skimmed a bit more of the thread, and I apologize if my last post seemed a bit snippy. It seems you really are genuinely seeking answers.