Family Thanksgiving

[migurl]

That time of year is quickly approaching. This time however we have lots of complications. My parents are separating. My Father is not thrilled with it but my Mother insists. She and I had an argument about it several weeks ago, she sent an email 5 pages long, I responded simply saying that I felt her talking badly about my father and allowing some of the kids to do so was disreecptufl and may come back to haunt her (I was refering to my sibilngs since its okay to badmouth my Dad, why not my mother when that time comes?)
I told her I oved her but could not agree with her wanting to jump to divorce and I apologize if anything I said seemed disresepctful but that I am in a difficult spot-being more of a counciler and equal than a daughter in many conversations. I told her I want her and Dad to be happy and it can be achieved with perhaps a time of separtion and both parties working together to make changes.
SHe has not spoken to me since.
SHe has told my siblings they are not allowed to speak to me again.
She then turned to my brother who lives in CA. He too tiold her he did not agree with jumping to divorce. SHe said she did not care and hung up on him.
He has not heard from her since.

My family has always come over to my house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I don’t know what to do at this point. Do I plan on my family not coming? Do i invite my Dad and his parents over? If I do that my mother will not attend since there is conflict between her any my grandfather. Do I reach out and try to patch things up and invite them over even if that means my Dad might not come?
Or do I just make plans with my husbands family?
Part of me wants to magically be out of town for the holiday…

 

[Xantippe]

That time of year is quickly approaching. This time however we have lots of complications. My parents are separating. My Father is not thrilled with it but my Mother insists. She and I had an argument about it several weeks ago, she sent an email 5 pages long, I responded simply saying that I felt her talking badly about my father and allowing some of the kids to do so was disreecptufl and may come back to haunt her (I was refering to my sibilngs since its okay to badmouth my Dad, why not my mother when that time comes?)
I told her I oved her but could not agree with her wanting to jump to divorce and I apologize if anything I said seemed disresepctful but that I am in a difficult spot-being more of a counciler and equal than a daughter in many conversations. I told her I want her and Dad to be happy and it can be achieved with perhaps a time of separtion and both parties working together to make changes.
SHe has not spoken to me since.
SHe has told my siblings they are not allowed to speak to me again.
She then turned to my brother who lives in CA. He too tiold her he did not agree with jumping to divorce. SHe said she did not care and hung up on him.
He has not heard from her since.

My family has always come over to my house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I don’t know what to do at this point. Do I plan on my family not coming? Do i invite my Dad and his parents over? If I do that my mother will not attend since there is conflict between her any my grandfather. Do I reach out and try to patch things up and invite them over even if that means my Dad might not come?
Or do I just make plans with my husbands family?
Part of me wants to magically be out of town for the holiday…

You can just do a nuclear family Thanksgiving if you like–I wouldn’t invite your husband’s family and not yours.

If you have the nerves to deal with it, you might invite everybody. Whoever doesn’t want to deal with the others can sit it out. Unfortunately, this will be the first of many divided family holidays, so it is pretty important to create a precedent that anybody who says, “I can’t come if X is there,” gets told, “That’s too bad. We’ll miss you.” If you do go that route, give all of the potential hostiles a talk in advance explaining the sort of conduct you expect from them–civility, no fighting, and if they can’t stand it, just go home early. Actually, come to think of it, maybe you should encourage the hostiles to come in shifts? One set could come for dinner and the other could come for dessert?

Good luck!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I am very sorry for your sad situation. It is regrettable when people expect you to take sides in their conflicts.

 

[fencersmother]

Ahhh, the joys of family during the holidays…

Not to make light of your situation; I have been in it exactly and boy howdy, it can be rough!

If you are asking for advice (from an internet stranger), I would agree Xantippe: nothing like just your husband and the kids. Quiet, easy clean up. Add in a special activity to make it memorable in a way other than the other relations aren’t there: go and help at a soup kitchen or your parish TG dinner.

I will remember you in my prayers.

 

[HelenRose]

That time of year is quickly approaching. This time however we have lots of complications. My parents are separating. My Father is not thrilled with it but my Mother insists. She and I had an argument about it several weeks ago, she sent an email 5 pages long, I responded simply saying that I felt her talking badly about my father and allowing some of the kids to do so was disreecptufl and may come back to haunt her (I was refering to my sibilngs since its okay to badmouth my Dad, why not my mother when that time comes?)
I told her I oved her but could not agree with her wanting to jump to divorce and I apologize if anything I said seemed disresepctful but that I am in a difficult spot-being more of a counciler and equal than a daughter in many conversations. I told her I want her and Dad to be happy and it can be achieved with perhaps a time of separtion and both parties working together to make changes.
SHe has not spoken to me since.
SHe has told my siblings they are not allowed to speak to me again.
She then turned to my brother who lives in CA. He too tiold her he did not agree with jumping to divorce. SHe said she did not care and hung up on him.
He has not heard from her since.

My family has always come over to my house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I don’t know what to do at this point. Do I plan on my family not coming? Do i invite my Dad and his parents over? If I do that my mother will not attend since there is conflict between her any my grandfather. Do I reach out and try to patch things up and invite them over even if that means my Dad might not come?
Or do I just make plans with my husbands family?
Part of me wants to magically be out of town for the holiday…

I think all families sometimes have factions and problems. My mother handled our family with a rule. “NO ONE comes into my house with a fight - you want to fight take it outside. PERIOD” And trust me. No one ever did.

However, since everything in your family is so raw and upset, perhaps you need to be magically out of town. You and your husband and if you have children at home, just go on a short trip. Rent a hotel room. Soak in the hotel’s swimming pool and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just you and your family. Have fun.

PS Turn off your phones while you are gone.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Sounds like the year to head to Disney World for the holidays! Sometimes we feel obligated to invite family over even when there is high stress going on. I think the holidays add to that and make things more volatile.

I would completely do something different if I could. Sometimes family members need a bit of distance when things are tense. That might be the best thing right now.

It’s hard, I’m sure. Hope you figure something out that isn’t too stressful

 

[esieffe]

I think all families sometimes have factions and problems. My mother handled our family with a rule. “NO ONE comes into my house with a fight - you want to fight take it outside. PERIOD” And trust me. No one ever did.

However, since everything in your family is so raw and upset, perhaps you need to be magically out of town. You and your husband and if you have children at home, just go on a short trip. Rent a hotel room. Soak in the hotel’s swimming pool and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just you and your family. Have fun.

PS Turn off your phones while you are gone.

Sounds good to me. Either sit this one out, or invite everyone, let the chips fall where they may, and remember, its THEIR baggage not yours. If it were me I would just go out of town. Divorces are so ugly. The older the kids, the more likely the parents or one parent will try and suck them into the brew-haw.

I spend the holidays alone and go to church. Other than that I play PC games. I love it. I visit relatives outside of the holidays.

 

[HelenRose]

Sounds good to me. Either sit this one out, or invite everyone, let the chips fall where they may, and remember, its THEIR baggage not yours. If it were me I would just go out of town. Divorces are so ugly. The older the kids, the more likely the parents or one parent will try and suck them into the brew-haw.

I spend the holidays alone and go to church. Other than that I play PC games. I love it. I visit relatives outside of the holidays.

It is so much easier to forgive people if you do not allow them to draw you into their drama.

 

[schaeffer]

This is what I would do, and I have recently gone through a divorce with hostility on one side.

Invite everyone you usually invite. But say honestly…I know this is a painful and confusing time in our family right now, I would love to have you, but also understand if you cannot come. Have a blessed holiday.

That shows that you are not making this even a make or break/take sides issue, all you want to do is have a lovely holiday together, and others can do what they feel they must.

I would continue that approach. It may not happen this year or the next, but time does tend to heal most rifts if people stay open and understanding, and hopefully your family will pass through this and find some unity once again.

Big hugs to you, as I know this is a painful situation. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and Christmas, may they bring healing to your family.

 

[EasterJoy]

Schaeffer is right on the money!

Thanksgiving is a day for putting out the olive branch and be willing to sit at table with anyone willing to sit at table with you. It is also a holiday best handled with as much generosity as possible, including generosity in handling those who send regrets.

Invite everyone, including any guests they ask to bring, welcome whoever wants to come (within your home’s capacity, of course), and let your siblings know privately that you won’t hold it against them if they choose to “have other plans” in order to evade political repercussions with your mother, who is acting a little unhinged this year.

As for those who will not come because they are not willing to extend the olive branch for the length of a meal, let them be. Those who will not be on a guest list with someone on your guest list is free to find herself other company, if that suits her (or him) better. All you need to know is who is coming so you can select the right-sized turkey and make enough mashed potatoes, gravy, and pies. Resist all provocations to get more “political” than that!

 

[migurl]

Generally Thanksgiving is done here at my house with my parents, siblings (all except 1 is still living at home) and my Aunt and her Hubby and kids. Once year my family was sick and we had DH’s parents over.

I just spoke to my Dad and from what he has heard from my Mother she is planning on doing something with her sister. My Dad is thinking he will be at His parents house along with his grandfather.

This is really stressing me out.
I don’t even really know what I want to do. My Husbands parents are great and if it were just going to be them and 2 of his siblings I would love to do dinner with them, but if his other siblings are going to be invited… we don’t have the room for 30 people!!

For some reason it sounds depressing to have just the Hubs and I with our kiddos for Thanksgiving.
All of your prayers are very appreciated as DH and I try to figure out what we are going to do!

 

[EasterJoy]

Generally Thanksgiving is done here at my house with my parents, siblings (all except 1 is still living at home) and my Aunt and her Hubby and kids. Once year my family was sick and we had DH’s parents over.

I just spoke to my Dad and from what he has heard from my Mother she is planning on doing something with her sister. My Dad is thinking he will be at His parents house along with his grandfather.

This is really stressing me out.
I don’t even really know what I want to do. My Husbands parents are great and if it were just going to be them and 2 of his siblings I would love to do dinner with them, but if his other siblings are going to be invited… we don’t have the room for 30 people!!

For some reason it sounds depressing to have just the Hubs and I with our kiddos for Thanksgiving.
All of your prayers are very appreciated as DH and I try to figure out what we are going to do!

Do not stress out yet, because your husband’s family does not have a headcount yet.

Let your DH make some phone calls to see what everyone else is doing. When he and his siblings know how many people in his family are interested in gathering in one place, then they choose a venue. Your DH ought to start with a number in mind–how many adults, how many kids who can be put onto card tables–that your house can accommodate. The idea ought to be: If this is the crowd size, it can be here, but otherwise we (as a group) will have to find a different venue where we can all fit.

Who knows? You may be bringing your contribution to the feast to someone else’s house this year!

 

[MJJean]

Generally Thanksgiving is done here at my house with my parents, siblings (all except 1 is still living at home) and my Aunt and her Hubby and kids. Once year my family was sick and we had DH’s parents over.

I just spoke to my Dad and from what he has heard from my Mother she is planning on doing something with her sister. My Dad is thinking he will be at His parents house along with his grandfather.

This is really stressing me out.
I don’t even really know what I want to do. My Husbands parents are great and if it were just going to be them and 2 of his siblings I would love to do dinner with them, but if his other siblings are going to be invited… we don’t have the room for 30 people!!

For some reason it sounds depressing to have just the Hubs and I with our kiddos for Thanksgiving.
All of your prayers are very appreciated as DH and I try to figure out what we are going to do!

I am used to a big Thanksgiving. Over the years we have had divorces, marriages where my family member goes to their new spouses family dinner, deaths, and family members moving far away. In addition, my husband is a truck driver by profession and has seen so much craziness on the roads during the holidays he is hesitant to drive. We decided to do the Thanksgiving dinner at our house with just us and the kids and dogs. I was a bit sad the first time. The second year I realized how truly nice it is.

We get some extra family time. The meal is actually far more relaxed and enjoyable. Especially since we only make what we like and don’t have to worry about a horde of relatives tastes. Very little stress because there’s no mass “company’s coming!” deep cleaning. More leftovers to munch on for the extended weekend so I don’t have to cook again for a few days. No other peoples drama. Plus, if we get to missing folks we can Skype, text, or call.

 

[migurl]

It would be nice to have dinner some place else-where I can come home to a clean and quiet (ish) house instead of having to wait for the crowd to clear.
Its stressing me out mostly because this kind of “fighting” doesn’t involve me ever. Usually if there are family members not getting along its an Uncle who never visits anyway or My parents and my Dad’s parents (and my Dad’s parents never come to Thanksgiving even when invited-they always do stuff with my Grandmothers Dad and her brother)
So to have my Mother and I not getting along is new. Having my parents dealing with separation with my Mom pushing for divorce is also new.