Family Trouble: Mixed Marriage

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When I married my wife we were both “protestants”. I have come back to the Catholic Church. The problem is this: we have 2 children, one almost 4 and the other is one. And my wife has no interest AT ALL in the Catholic Church. And this is creating problems in our family.

I cannot “make” my wife Catholic, and she cannot “make” me Protestant. It will be too schizophrenic to try to bring the children up both Catholic and Protestant. I am in a quandry. We already argue over this, and I am sure it will only get worse as the children get older.

Please don’t just, bring the children up Catholic. This will not ease the tension in the household. . .

It make me sad to think that problems and arguments and divisions in my family are caused over Church. It would be so much simpler and better if we could all agree on one Church.
 
Why exactly is she against raising the kids Catholic? What does she have against the Church?
 
Keep in mind you are the one that changed the deal…not her.
 
If you were baptized Catholic, you have always been Catholic. Perhaps a non-practicing one, but Catholic nonetheless.

I urge you to visit with your priest to discuss returning to the sacraments, including convalidating your marriage. Discuss your family situation with him also.

Take things slowly with your spouse. You don’t have to make decisions all at once.
 
***I have one too many mixed marriages in my family. 😦 I’m afraid it’s a long road ahead…
Unite yourself and your intentions to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Her help is so extraordinary.

Please know your family is in my prayers.***
 
Now that you have come home to the church, do your best to model your faith. You won’t convince your wife by attending mass and the sacraments randomly. Be faithful. Set an example that will help your wife understand why this is so important to you. As another poster mentioned, you were the one who broke the deal, so be understanding with her. Perhaps your wife can’t muster enthusiasm for any religion, or maybe her faith is as important to her as yours is to you, or maybe she is downright hostile to Catholicism. In any case, if your conversion helps you to be a better husband and father, she cannot fail to be impressed. Look at how your marriage is working in other ways. Is this the only area of serious disagreement between the two of you? If you dropped the subject of Catholic upbringing today would everything else be just fine? Sometimes the idea of raising children Catholic is an emotional power struggle in the relationship rather than an objection based in fact. Are family members weighing in, albeit with the best intentions, but causing additional stress? If so, ask them respectfully not to discuss the subject around you and your wife. This is not a unique problem you are facing, but you do need help. You need someone who is objective, who isn’t a stakeholder in the outcome. Ask your parish priest for help. He will have access to resources in the parish, diocese, and beyond. Be strong and pray. Ask Our Blessed Mother for her help and intercession. Our Lord loves the little children.
 
I feel for you. My parents were catholic and protestant and it can be really stressful.

Keep in mind that however you raise your children, they will be the ones who ultimately decide what they believe.

You and your wife could agree to expose your children to both faiths as they grow up. Also, I think it would be a good idea, if you are not already extremely well versed in catholic apologetics to study and always have an answer.

Trust me, if your children see you as an active catholic, they will pick up on it, ask questions, etc.

Prayers for your family go out to you,
Bearontherun
 
Can I ask why she has no interest? Is it because of misconceptions of the Catholic Church? I had many…and my husband did too. When I went back to the Catholic Church…I did a lot of research about the objections I had…and we talked a lot about those. It might be helpful to do that with your wife…even if she still doesn’t want to be Catholic…it might help to make things easier.

And like another poster said…live your faith! My husband said he had never seen me so on fire for the Lord like I am now that I have returned to my faith. Now he is in RCIA.
 
Agent said:
W

Please don’t just, bring the children up Catholic. This will not ease the tension in the household. . .

It make me sad to think that problems and arguments and divisions in my family are caused over Church. It would be so much simpler and better if we could all agree on one Church.
Click to expand...
if you just came back to the Catholic Church (welcome home! btw) you are Catholic and always were, which means you have always been bound by Catholic law regarding marriage–which you must now have convalidated–and raising your children in the faith. The difference is now you know and accept this and are doing your best to make it happen, but as you so rightly observe this cannot be done unilaterally.

No putting your foot down, baptizing your children Catholic and sending them to CCD will not ease the tension. To do that you have to get at the root, which sounds on the face of it much more of a control issue than anything to do with who believes what.

Take religion out of the equation. What if the point of conflict was where to live, your job or hers, one of you joining the military, a long distance move for work, any decision that affects only one of you directly, but must be made together because ultimately it will affect the whole family. How would the attitude of one person making non-negotiable demands, or refusing to even consider the other party’s opinion and best interests serve the family and marriage? If that is what is going on you have to deal with it, before you start discussing religion or any other aspect of child rearing.
 
Agent said:
When I married my wife we were both “protestants”. I have come back to the Catholic Church. The problem is this: we have 2 children, one almost 4 and the other is one. And my wife has no interest AT ALL in the Catholic Church. And this is creating problems in our family.

I cannot “make” my wife Catholic, and she cannot “make” me Protestant. It will be too schizophrenic to try to bring the children up both Catholic and Protestant. I am in a quandry. We already argue over this, and I am sure it will only get worse as the children get older.

Please don’t just, bring the children up Catholic. This will not ease the tension in the household. . .

It make me sad to think that problems and arguments and divisions in my family are caused over Church. It would be so much simpler and better if we could all agree on one Church.
Click to expand...
I am Catholic and my wife is Baptist. And when we got married she knew I was Catholic but i was not a practising on during that time. I will not lie to it ain’t easy. Nor will it get easy unless she makes the switch. The biggest things you need right now is patience, fortitude and prayer. Also you and her need to come to a compromise of some sort.

A question. Is she a practising Protestant?
 
Agent said:
When I married my wife we were both “protestants”. I have come back to the Catholic Church. The problem is this: we have 2 children, one almost 4 and the other is one. And my wife has no interest AT ALL in the Catholic Church. And this is creating problems in our family.

I cannot “make” my wife Catholic, and she cannot “make” me Protestant. It will be too schizophrenic to try to bring the children up both Catholic and Protestant. I am in a quandry. We already argue over this, and I am sure it will only get worse as the children get older.

Please don’t just, bring the children up Catholic. This will not ease the tension in the household. . .

It make me sad to think that problems and arguments and divisions in my family are caused over Church. It would be so much simpler and better if we could all agree on one Church.
Click to expand...
**My friend is Russian Orthodox, her husband RC…the children both boys were adopted…the lst son raised Catholic by his father, the second son raised Greek Orthodox…that’s how they solved it.

stormy**
 
I used to work with a Jewish guy who married a Catholic. Their solution was interesting. They sent the kid to a Lutheran school. I guess that was the DMZ or the Switzerland between those two religions. The OP might consider the same. I don’t know what is the middle ground between “protestant” and Catholic. Perhaps Anglican?
 
To find common ground on religion, you need to step back from Catholicism or Protestantism and see if you can’t agree on “basic” Christianity. For instance, is she opposed in principle to attending church with the children on a regular basis? How about saying “grace” at meals? How about reading the bible together at home? How about advent candles? Will she come with you to mass sometime? Will you go with her to protestant church services? How about schooling? Would she be opposed to catholic school on principle? If she agrees that religious instruction of the chlidren is a good thing and that Christianity is the religion to teach, then move on to practical matters. How are we going to teach that?

Speaking from experience, unless the protestant is very opposed to the Catholic religion (or spends too much time on apolgetics message boards) they will usually admit that they recognize Catholicism as a branch of Christianity. They will usually admit, from a historical perspective that Catholicism serves at least as a “bridge” between the Early Church and the Reformation, so, in a real sense the Christianity we have today owes a debt to Catholicism. Most Protestants will also admire Catholicism for its public stance against abortion, divorce, its pro-child, pro-family attitudes (and its most-excellent guitar-oriented worhsip style - OK, I made that last one up :rolleyes:).

Some things about Catholicism that a Protestant might like, but not be aware of are the liturgical focus on readings (Protestants love Bible reading!), and the focus on regular weekly communion (many Protestants only “do” communion on rare occassions).

The best arguments, however, will be made by simply getting your wife to come with you to mass (like on Mother’s Day, for example). Once, years ago, when I was protestant, I went to mass by mistake when I was in the Army. I read the chapel schedule wrong- the same chapel was used for many different services. I had no expectations, but it was an eye-opening experience. I was blown away by the creeds - somebody had condensed orthodox Christianity into a one and a half minute formula. :newidea: Actually, that is another good consensus building exercise: Here’s the creed, This is what we believe and teach, how much would you (protestant) agree with? In my case, as former protestantm the answer was - almost all of this!

Whatever steps you take in this regard, let your wife see always that you love her and the children very deeply. Go slowly, and be open to small or partial victories. Reject nothing about her faith and don’t argue stupid theological points (like we do on these boards). If she sees that your Catholic faith is what motivates you to be a great father, she will be much more kindly disposed to it (however “wierd” she thinks it is intellectually).
 
My wife is practicing.

She has nothing really against Catholicism except she was brought up as Protestant.

I have already fully returned to the Catholic Church myself and go to Mass every Sunday and regular confession.
 
Maybe I am wrong to suggest this, but in the case that you are both in disagreement and cannot come to accord, perhaps just reading the Bible to them and agreeing on what the Bible says would be enough. Both Catholics and Protestants use the same Bible, am I mistaken? Our interpretation then should be the same. When the kids are old enough, they might decide.
 
Agent said:
When I married my wife we were both “protestants”. I have come back to the Catholic Church. The problem is this: we have 2 children, one almost 4 and the other is one. And my wife has no interest AT ALL in the Catholic Church. And this is creating problems in our family.

I cannot “make” my wife Catholic, and she cannot “make” me Protestant. It will be too schizophrenic to try to bring the children up both Catholic and Protestant. I am in a quandry. We already argue over this, and I am sure it will only get worse as the children get older.

Please don’t just, bring the children up Catholic. This will not ease the tension in the household. . .

It make me sad to think that problems and arguments and divisions in my family are caused over Church. It would be so much simpler and better if we could all agree on one Church.
Click to expand...
Here is what I would do for right now, today. Start going to Church every Sunday and studying the faith first. Continue you education and study.

The best example is to live your faith, and practice your faith and be true to it. And you owe it to God and yourself to truly know your faith.

Its going to take years and alot of studying to really understand it. Let your children go to mass with you, Sunday school etc. But don’t push your wife. It will not work. Trust God to live through you to get her back into Church.

But the best offense is a good defense. Learn to defend your faith.
 
I went thru a similar situation, with me being Catholic and my wife LDS. The only difference is that my son is under a year old.

During our marriage, it caused a lot of problems because of the many diffences between Catholic and LDS theology. If I’m not mistaken, the differences between your religions are nothing like the differences between RC and LDS. I spoke to the Priest at my local parish and he told the most important thing to remember, is don’t use the word “raise.” Instead he said use the word “teach.” Teach your children your beliefs and let your wife teach what she believes. To use the word “raise” could imply that you are trying to “force” your beliefs.

When your children are old enough they can decide. Your 4 yr old is old enough to understand some things, so as others have stated lead by example. He/She will do what is right. As for the 1 yr old, do the same and take them to Church and start teaching them little by little.
 
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